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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To call off the wedding because he won't get a vasectomy

574 replies

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 10:48

Me and dp, 27, have had dc not too long ago. We both agreed for various reasons (health,money ect) that we don't want another child and that is that. Whenever we get pressed on when we are going to have the next one dp always calmly responds with "we won't be" and it made me feel relief that we are on the same page.

Without getting into details i had a horrible birth and pregnancy and have been told that if I have a second I will have an increased risk of getting certain illnesses. Even to this day I'm still suffering with side effects of the pregnancy, which I don't know if it's normal or not. But at 27 I've accepted my body isn't the same anymore and is more like used goods. I've come to peace with never being the same condition again.

Dp agrees he would never want to put me through it, and values me and dc we have now as a priority.

Great!

So we have discussed many a times, him getting a vasectomy. Mainly because it's more accessible and easier for him to do rather than me get my tubes tied. He said he would start looking into it all. Except, nothing has come from it. As a consequence I don't want to have sex with him as I'm scared about any risk of pregnancy. Yes we use contraception but we all know that isn't full proof. The other night we talked about our wedding for next year and I brought up the topic of the vasectomy. He very quickly said "but its so permanent"....

Now I'm so confused. I said to dp I thought that we agreed we was on the same page. Yes we are still quite young fertility wise but we've had the substantial amount of experience to know another child isn't what we want, and pregnancy on my body is definitely something I CANT and WONT have again. I said to dp that inclined he may want the choice to change his mind down the line and if that is the case who does he have in mind because it won't be me?

Now I don't know what to think. I have this horrible gut feeling he will secretly want kids further down the line, we will get married, he will realise this and leave me for another woman. I don't understand where any of this has come from. Dp has witness first hand how awful it all was for me and said he would never want to inflict that trauma onto me again. But clearly although he parades around telling others and me he doesn't want another child he subconsciously does?

In this the end of our 5 year relationship? Do I call off the marriage. I'm so confused and tired from the thought of this a

OP posts:
Daisyislazy · 13/10/2023 17:07

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 17:02

@Babyboomtastic I'm bitter at what expense it cost me to bring this child into the world. I don't recognise myself anymore meanwhile the guy gets to remain unchanged. I'm not bitter at my child for this. I love dc with my whole heart and wouldn't change them being here for the world

It's not his fault though, you seem to be holding a lot of anger and resentment and that's understandable but it's not healthy

Perhaps sone counselling would really help and you might be in a better headspace to make decisions.

Postpone the wedding

laclochette · 13/10/2023 17:07

@Messymaker I think your language is very telling. You understandably feel resentful at how much mental and physical strain and change childbirth has wrought on you. And you feel extra resentful that "he gets to remain unchanged" (this is the phrase that really leapt out at me) So you want him, too, to have some kind of physical change wrought on him, to even the score. But I don't think that's fair. And it may not even reduce your own bitterness.

The better and healthier option, especially for your own mental health, is to work through the bitterness you feel about the experience you've had and get to a place where you can feel at peace with it.

Capturetotalelotion · 13/10/2023 17:11

I had a very bad birth, with the high rotational forceps resulting in dual incontinence, bad scarring etc etc. was told to never conceive again as I would potentially be permanently incontinent, if I could even carry the pregnancy to full term due to the damage done. My child was also disabled during the birth. That was over ten years ago and it was the end of my sex life. I would never ask my DH to have a vasectomy but I would also understand if he wanted to move on and have another family. We were a lot older than you so this hasn’t happened. Still together and getting on with our lives. There are lots of women on here over the years with similar stories unfortunately and their partners have moved on. It is what it is. YABU I’m afraid you can’t expect him to get a vasectomy. I understand why you are angry but maybe try and access some therapy and find some peace.

CatamaranViper · 13/10/2023 17:16

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

OP you need to change how you view this. You didn't give him a child. You created one together. You could have stopped this at any time (map, abortion etc) but chose to keep going with the pregnancy and have a baby.

But your bar for him is way too low. It's one thing he is worried about doing. He hasn't refused full stop, he isn't forcing you into doing anything either. If he is truly as selfish as you are making out, then this is the reason to call off the wedding and end the relationship.

jolies1 · 13/10/2023 17:41

It is really unfortunate you had such a difficult birth with lasting impacts - in this day and age you would hope that there would be ways of avoiding this! But the reality is pregnancy and birth always come with an element of risk - even in the UK. You need to talk to your partner seriously about his concerns and if he is adamant he does not want a vasectomy then you have a decision to make. But it’s not fair to feel like this will some how even the score or make up for what you went through to create your wonderful DC - it won’t.

Est1990 · 13/10/2023 17:45

You take the pill and he wears a condom. Problem solved and I'm not buying the we used contraception and still got pregnant, if there will be both of you doing it.

SoupDragon · 13/10/2023 17:48

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

He has done nothing for me or this relationship.

Then why the fuck are you in a relationship with him, let alone marrying him??!

Est1990 · 13/10/2023 17:50

Plus you should seek mental health support (or more if you receiving it already) as that's not a healthy way of speaking of your child even if it wasn't planned or wanted.

Stompythedinosaur · 13/10/2023 17:52

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

Honestly, if he brings nothing to the relationship, then leave him. Life's too short for that.

But the choice you made regarding your body does not mean that you can override a choice about his body.

lemmein · 13/10/2023 18:05

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 12:26

@Whalewatchers that's nice for you but I feel like no one considers the womans health and sacrifices. Why is it always by default but onto us because we are the ones who get pregnant. All these responsibilities should be equally shared.

If me getting pregnant again by my partner means me potentionally going blind or dying, and if being with me is something he wants. I think he should also hold some weight in doing what is right to have a future.

Men can't go through a small not invasive surgery because it hurts but I'm expected to be cut open again or risk death right?

My DH had a vasectomy years ago and still has constant ball ache from it - he can't walk too far without having to sit, it can hurt that much.

I think you're being vvvvv unreasonable however I guess this is all wrapped up in the trauma of your previous pregnancy so its understandable but I think you should seek counselling to unpick your feelings about this - don't let your past destroy your future.

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 18:21

Apologies in advance, but Mumsnet won't let me use paragraphs any more for some reason so I'm using this instead: .....OP, it sounds like you've had a deeply traumatic pregnancy and birth experience and I'm glad you're in line to get some help with it. .....Very gently, I'm going to say that YBU. And I say that as someone who was also unreasonable about it. .....When I got married at 28 I couldn't even begin to imagine that we wouldn't be together forever. And if I could go back to 27-year-old me, I'd say - fine, that's a great attitude to start a marriage with, but just remember that life is long, and people change, and you don't have a crystal ball to look into the future with and see what's going to happen to you - and none of those things will reflect on the strength of your relationship or your commitment to it. So you're just going to have to hope for the best and roll with whatever happens. .....I put pressure on my DH to have a vasectomy, because we'd had two kids and agreed we were done. He agreed but then started to panic about the permanency of it. I was very hurt and thought he was unreasonable about it. .....A few years down the line, a bunch of extremely unexpected stuff has happened, circumstances have changed in ways we couldn't possibly have imagined and we're not together any more. .....He's now having a child with a new partner, and I am so grateful I didn't lean on him more heavily, because I would feel so guilty. .....I understand your hurt, OP, but this isn't an issue that has a clear-cut answer. You both have valid reasons to feel the way you do, and I think you need to try to listen to his perspective as well.

Daisyislazy · 13/10/2023 18:29

RumbleMum · 13/10/2023 18:21

Apologies in advance, but Mumsnet won't let me use paragraphs any more for some reason so I'm using this instead: .....OP, it sounds like you've had a deeply traumatic pregnancy and birth experience and I'm glad you're in line to get some help with it. .....Very gently, I'm going to say that YBU. And I say that as someone who was also unreasonable about it. .....When I got married at 28 I couldn't even begin to imagine that we wouldn't be together forever. And if I could go back to 27-year-old me, I'd say - fine, that's a great attitude to start a marriage with, but just remember that life is long, and people change, and you don't have a crystal ball to look into the future with and see what's going to happen to you - and none of those things will reflect on the strength of your relationship or your commitment to it. So you're just going to have to hope for the best and roll with whatever happens. .....I put pressure on my DH to have a vasectomy, because we'd had two kids and agreed we were done. He agreed but then started to panic about the permanency of it. I was very hurt and thought he was unreasonable about it. .....A few years down the line, a bunch of extremely unexpected stuff has happened, circumstances have changed in ways we couldn't possibly have imagined and we're not together any more. .....He's now having a child with a new partner, and I am so grateful I didn't lean on him more heavily, because I would feel so guilty. .....I understand your hurt, OP, but this isn't an issue that has a clear-cut answer. You both have valid reasons to feel the way you do, and I think you need to try to listen to his perspective as well.

A very wise and kind post

Mumof2teens79 · 13/10/2023 19:18

As your main reason appears to be that you don't want/can't get pregnant then the only way to ensure that is for you to have a tubectomy ...that means even if you had an affair, remarried, had a one night stand or were assaulted you wouldn't get pregnant.

If this is that important you are that sure do that. It's a slightly more complex op but one done every day

Catza · 13/10/2023 19:50

StBernie · 13/10/2023 16:41

I get where you’re coming from OP. I think the problem here is he’s not being completely honest with you. He led you to believe he’d get one but changed his mind without telling you.

Are you honestly surprised he has difficulty telling her about his decision given her attitude on this thread? The more I read the more I pity the bloke who clearly does not feel safe when communicating with his partner.

ButterMyParsnip · 13/10/2023 19:58

He is certain he doesn't want anymore children with you. Not that he never wants children ever again.

My DH's mother passed away suddenly at 32 (cancer that took 2 months to claim her life). His father met an amazing woman a few years later and had children with her. She was 6 years younger and hadn't had children before. I don't think they'd be together if children had been off the table. She'd always wanted to be a mother but hadn't met the right man.

I think it's unfair to expect a 27 year old to have a vasectomy unless they've decided they would never want another child.

JoshLymanIsHotterThanSam · 13/10/2023 20:03

I knew I was done at 27 (I’d had 4 by then). DH didn’t want a vasectomy, he would have liked more children. 11 years later we’re still happily married, he now agrees that more children would have been too much.

You cannot force a man to have a vasectomy because YOU don’t want more children. That isn’t how it works. Difficult pregnancy/birth does not give you rights to tell him what to do with his body.

Prehfoan49 · 13/10/2023 20:04

I dont think you are being unreasonable at all,

I'd be so hurt and upset at the back tracking, I would also question where is the relationship going to end up if hes potentially wanting more

What are you going to do?

Keepitrealnomists · 13/10/2023 20:08

Think there are bigger issues than birth control!

maddening · 13/10/2023 20:11

Whilst you plan to stay together and are happy at one, what if you leave him, what if you die etc, I think it unreasonable for either of you to expect the other to sterilise themselves at that age. It would be unreasonable for him to require you to take hormonal contraception also.

ginandtonicwithlimes · 13/10/2023 20:16

Messymaker · 13/10/2023 16:21

Considering I gave him a child at the expense of my body and mental health when I didn't want to I'm really not going to feel that he is all that hard done by. He has done nothing for me or this relationship. And he won't ever have to because he is a man.

All he has to do is have sex with me and that's as far as the expectation goes.

Why didn't you have an abortion then? There were choices unless he forced you to keep the baby against your will. Personally I am not sure your relationship is destined to go very far from what I am reading. The lack of sex for example is often a relationship killer.

PumpkiPie · 13/10/2023 20:23

Mumof2teens79 · 13/10/2023 19:18

As your main reason appears to be that you don't want/can't get pregnant then the only way to ensure that is for you to have a tubectomy ...that means even if you had an affair, remarried, had a one night stand or were assaulted you wouldn't get pregnant.

If this is that important you are that sure do that. It's a slightly more complex op but one done every day

I'm wondering if the OP would be able to have this on the NHS as she's so young and has one child?

andHelenknowsimmiserablenow · 13/10/2023 20:24

It seems your DP is happy not to have more DC, because of the implications for you, and he cares for you, not because he doesn't want any more DC, ever.
He is putting your health first, but is not prepared to make a life long decision when he is so young. Surely you can see that OP? What if you decide to divorce him 10 years down the line? You are already not sleeping with him.

TurqoiseJasper · 13/10/2023 20:42

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

You are absolutely astonishing.
Get off this thread, get your tubes tied or not.
Marry or not.
I can't imagine anyone but you now gives a flying shit what you do.
Your rudeness is astounding.

Firsttimemum120 · 13/10/2023 20:47

@Crazycrazylady i 1000000000% agree 🙃don’t come onto an advice forum looking for advice hoping everyone will agree with you and berate your man for not doing as you say and then be defensive the whole time 😂🙃

Firsttimemum120 · 13/10/2023 20:49

I feel sorry for the partner!! Good luck to him.