To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

Getting sexual attention when I was young was horrible. I was a late bloomer and then suddenly had a (slightly plump) hourglass figure and no more braces.

I went from a human being who people talked with, to a sexualised object for the male gaze. It was creepy and predatory and I hated it. I was groped, leered at, sexually harrassed and sexually assaulted.

When the sexual attention stopped as I gained weight, it was so liberating! I don't want any sexual attention from random men, I don't measure my worth in my attractiveness to strangers.

Now I'm older, all I miss about youth was a strong healthy body without arthritis.

Yeah I totally relate. I'm 36 with 2 young kids and have gained a little weight last couple of years. I was so attractive in my 20s and into early 30s, would get a lot of attention and looked young- always being asked for ID ha. I last got asked for ID aged 33 and it hasn't happened since 🥲....to be expected i suppose!

I don't get asked for ID any more - when travelling on a train on a senior railcard ticket

Out to lunch one day I got asked if I wanted the smaller senior plate 🙁😁

I don't think you are being unreasonable. I'm 42 and I noticed a drop off in last few years and it made me feel a bit sad too. It is fascinating though how much it changes depending on hair colour and weight! I have no answers but I think as we are conditioned to rate our own worth on how attractive we are (to men mostly), its bound to have an effect when that attention wanes.

So many self righteous replies here. Yes it means they’d fuck yoj and that’s not a compliment as such but it’s also a massive ego boost and power trip to walk down the road some days and just wildly flirt with strangers, the same as riding a big car with windows down looking at construction workers…
its ok to still think it’s fun to harmlessly flirt with handsome people and it doesn’t mean my worth hinges on their approval.

In my 20s, I fluctuated between blonde and my natural brown. As a blonde, I would get so much attention. As a brunette, I got significantly less.

However, as a blonde, I was treated as though I had significantly fewer braincells than as a brunette.

It just shows the societal construct of “attractiveness ” is rather flimsy and our worth shouldn’t be based on it.

The same woman with the same features and figure can be ogled by a man who wouldn’t look twice at her if she let her natural brown hair come through instead of dyeing her hair.

My childhood friend has religiously dyed her hair blonde since she was 16 and she’s now 37. She gives all manner of excuses as to why, but I’m fairly sure this is linked to it.

i had a former former close friend who was “blonde” in the way most British are “blonde”. And she used to always say her beauty was in a hair bottle. (I say British because I know lots of Scandinavians with natural blonde hair)

Exactly the same here. And I see, with hindsight, the effect that had on me in terms of seeking validation when younger. If you add onto that being autistic and therefore often less emotionally mature than peers the same age, more naive and assuming what people say is what they mean... it makes someone very vulnerable. It is so scary and I think the rest it all makes me so cross is that we are allowing this culture to be perpetuated (if anything to focus on superficial physical attractiveness is worse now than a few decades ago) and another generation of young women to be subjected to it. I hope your DD manages to navigate her way through it all ok with your support.

This blonde brunette thing hasn't been my experience at all. I've been both blonde and brunette and didn't think it made any difference.
And actually my dark haired, olive skinned friend is the one that has always got the most attention.

Why would some random in the street staring at you and "wanting to fuck you", or driving around with your car windows open, give you an ego boost? Genuinely, I do not understand why either of those things would make you feel happier.

I don't think you're being unreasonable but this cements the feeling I've always had that ageing must be much worse for people who started off beautiful!

I don't think I'm ugly by any stretch of the imagination but nobody has ever looked, whistled, heckled, complimented, shouted at or otherwise given me any attention, positive or negative, so there's no difference for me to notice as I go from "pretty enough due to youth" to "not young any more".

I feel your pain. My DD is very pretty and always has been, but she really started to blossom at 14-15. She looked 18-20 at that age though, and it was so awkward, and uncomfortable, and weird, when blokes (aged 19-25) hit on her when she was with me!

They totally ignored me, and fixed their gaze on her, handed her a piece of paper and a pen, and said 'give us yer number.' They acted like I wasn't even there. I found it so rude. Not that I wanted them to hit on me LOL, it was just rude to ignore me. She was like 'err no thanks.' They either looked embarrassed - and turned away, or they got snippy, and basically said 'please yerself! YOUR loss. Dicks.

But yeah I found it so awkward and rude when blokes hit on my daughter with me there with her, and TOTALLY ignored me! (I was mid to late 40s by then...) I thought 'fucking hell, what am I, chopped liver?!'

Can someone explain the invisible situations. I think I'm missing something.

@CharlotteBog - exaggerated for comedy, but I was chortling "OMG, this!!" 😂

I got IDd in my early 30s too, buying nappies and cigarettes (I know, I know!) I mean wtf?
But it wouldn't happen now. The difference for me between 32 and 38 has been huge. I went from looking 18 to looking 38-40 almost overnight it seemed, now with 3 young kids.

Dh and I eye rolled in the summer when restaurants in the very busy Italian seaside town we were in would say they were busy but on seeing dd2 magically a table would become available …

but on seeing dd2 magically a table would become available …

That is one of the benefits. Free drinks too.

They just want you to stay. It’s good for business.

So I was a model when I was young and got a lot of attention, but weirdly when i hit my 40's I felt my very best,I felt more attractive and I did recieve a lot of attention
I'm.now in my 50's and still turn heads,on occasion,and I agree it does give you a little boost,but I don't think men ever stop looking at at women for all different reasons tbh.
Xxx

Waiting for Samantha Brick to wade in...

It’s a relief

I love being out of the male gaze.
Occasionally, what in my mind initially registers as an 'older man', might wink or flash me a smile in the Co-Op or at the bank, and I realise we're the same age (late 40s - early 50s). But the attention feels gentler, perhaps more like 'just' appreciation without any predatory charge behind it.
A couple of young guys I know through work are similarly 'appreciative' in quite an endearing way, and I can't help but to think that the attention I received when I was a young woman in their age bracket often felt much harsher and more transactional.

Feminism isn't mind control exerted by superior types of women to bring the less enlightened ones in line with 'right think'. It's an ongoing battle for women to be valued, respected and treated as equal human beings. We're still a way from that unfortunately, and while that remains the case, women will continue to be impacted by the messages we've recieved all our lives.
You can't change people's feelings about themselves by sneering at them, shaming them and telling them they're inferior for the way they feel. You have to work to change the treatment that got them to feel that way in the first place.
As for this male whinging about not being able to win, well, that's extremely worrying to me. All these years of feminism, and men still don't understand that all THEY need to do is afford women the same level of treatment they would another man. Keep their eyes in their head and their comments to themselves and they'll be just fine.

Well, I’ve always been a ghost and I quite like it, if people started looking at me twice I’d be worried I had a smudge on my face or something 😂 so I think it’s probably just a case of what you’re used to. You can’t miss what you never had, as they say. Just be glad you got these glances in your youth I suppose?

There must have been a lot of very beautiful mumsnetters when they were younger.

I don't recall ever getting that kind of attention. DD at 23 doesn't attract that kind of attention either. I think she is pretty, but she isn't pretty in a conventional sense. She is tall and slim and wears baggy clothes and no make up, and people don't notice her.

THEY need to do is afford women the same level of treatment they would another man.

Isn’t sexual attraction the main driver of their behaviour? If so, it isn’t that surprising that they don’t act the same way towards other men.