To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

Me too! I don't understand what this phenomenon is. It's pretty crushing to know that you'll never ever be attractive.

As a feminist I totally agree with you. It is totally inconsistent. The idea that it’s flattering to be objectified by some street rat is so fucking depressing. It must be internalised misogyny.

So the only reason women could possibly enjoy attention from men is internalised misogyny, and we must all be a consistent hive mind as regards liking or disliking male attention? That's ridiculous. Whatever progress has been made in our expectations of men's behaviour, at the end of the day humans are animals and will engage in mate-seeking behaviours and will often seek out the attention of the opposite sex.

I agree it’s more about youth than necessarily looking attractive or not. I look better as I’ve aged but in my 20s constant attention and I don’t think it’s a coincidence that I looked like I was in my late teens until I was about 30. The men were specifically attracted to how young I looked.

@Nepmarthiturn Great post. That's just how I feel, and you've worded it much better than I could have.

Well I became invisible once I had a baby toddler small child always with me! And I was considered good looking. But I honestly don’t care. I’m more interested in looking out than people looking at me…

Occasionally I'll notice that people in general make eye contact with me when I walk down the street. I usually think I must have something on my face or loo roll stuck to my foot! I quite like being 'invisible' although I don't feel I am. I'm mid 40's I think I carry myself quite well I'm a confident strider so I wonder if that's what people notice. No idea, haven't ever given it much thought.

I put on weight during the pandemic. Lost the attention too. Assumed it was age (although people think i’m a good decade younger )and just shrugged and said good riddance 😆 but two years later I’ve lost most of the weight and the attention is coming back.

That said the only other time of my life I was overweight was when I was 22/23 and I still got a lot of attention. I think the appearance of youth has a very powerful pull for a lot of men 🙄

I’ve friends who are conventionally attractive and don’t get much male attention. And I have friends who are stunning and do get a lot of male attention. I’m not sure what it is. Some women are less approachable to men perhaps.

Also attractiveness is subjective so I wouldn’t conclude you will never be attractive.

OP, it’s understandable why you’d miss male attention but equally it’s sad that women have been conditioned to think like this. And also an indictment of our society that people who are considered prettier /more handsome get treated better even outwith romantic considerations.

I'm interested to know why you think people make eye contact for a negative reason rather than just wanting to smile or acknowledge each other?
If someone makes eye contact with me then I'll smile, say hello or just nod.

I never had that sort of attention even when younger (am over 50 now)

I don't mind now, am happily single, but I still remember how ugly I felt as a 16 year old when my friends were getting chatted up while out and I was just ignored.

I only had sex at 18 because I thought I never would and felt so old at the time. I did end up having sex again (though not the same year) and realise now I wasn't old.

I woud call myself average rather than ugly though. Most definitely not pretty and never ever beautiful.

Its way more about looking attractive than looking young. It's just the things our society considers attractive, good figure, lots of lovely hair, good skin, also happen to be youth signifiers so they get conflated. Leaving aside creepy older men and those young men who are understandably interested only in their own age group, an older woman with these things will recieve far more attention than a young one without them.

Op you’re 39 years old. You’re not old, stop thinking of yourself as aged.

Id say most women are in their prime mid to late 30”s .
Youve lost self confidence somewhere.

I think you need to change your mindset.

You don’t need validation from men to feel sexy and beautiful x

Does anyone relate?

No.

I guess what you've never had you never miss

Some women are less approachable to men perhaps.

I think I am the opposite. I am quite friendly to people generally which may be the reason.

Its because you've absorbed the misogynistic culture, so you equate self worth with the male gaze. Do you imagine men ever think or feel this? Er no.

Exactly Emmy. I am glad not to be leered over. It’s weird and needy to want that surely?

Sorry but I agree about the protective factor of a good strong present father.

Of course they do. The vast majority of people who want to have sexual relationships are concerned with their level of attractiveness to the sex of their choice. Young men spend hours in the gym, at the barbers, on their clothes. Older men put more store in flexing their status because they can't compete where strength, virility and so on is concerned, but of course they care about their ability to attract women.
Wanting to be attractive to potential partners is nothing to be ashamed of. Nor does it mean that people are basing their entire worth on it, its just one part of human life.

I am a natural catfish at 44. I put on some makeup and do my hair and wear nice dresses and get attention everywhere from the petrol station to the bar but I do that stuff for me, I like nice clothes, faffing with my hair, painting my face sometimes. If I don't put on makeup, wear my walking gear and put my hair up I get nothing. Do you know how it makes me feel? I just look at the men who are dazzled by a powders, styled hair and fancy clothes and think 'Hahaha you poor sod being taken in by it, you must be shallow'.

In my opinion I am much more attractive when I have swam a lake, climbed a mountain, kayaked in the sea or given a presentation, written a good report about health inequalities at work because these things give me confidence and are interesting. DH values the fact I can do the hobbies I like with him more than my looks (I hope!). I am attracted to DH because he does these interesting things that I like too. DD is 12, blonde, tall and slim and I see these men side eyeing her and thing 'Vile' - we are not there as a titillation to the male gaze and I don't think anyone should use the male gaze as a measure of their self worth. It has been socially constructed that women are objectified - but expected to study, work, have children, raise children, clean, cook, wash, have a scrutinized body. Basically the speech in Barbie. It is madness and I really hope it changes for females in the future.

@Nepmarthiturn I agree with everything you've said. I actually have a teen dd who is likely on the spectrum and getting lots of attention all of a sudden and she doesn't know what to do with it. Yes, it scares me, every day actually, because I know those statistics and they're horrifying. I really do relate.

Reading through these posts has really got me thinking. Why do I miss it? Maybe I do have 'daddy issues'. I did/do have a dad, but he was/is pretty uninterested in me. Loves me, but doesn't really know me. Never told me I was really clever, interesting, beautiful or any of that actually.

This. Similar experience. Head down walk past.

Being invisible is wonderful

Being invisible can also make you feel ugly though.

Like men will fuck anyone except you.

I think you’re over complicating this op.

You can instill confidence in yourself without men’s input.Stop blaming your father or other men and seeking validation.

Confidence and self assurance is attractive and that comes from within.

Youre in your 30’s - why assume you’re old and invisible? Concentrate on your strengths, look after your yourself- you’re presumably a fit and healthy woman in her prime.

Change your inner narrative. If you enjoy looking good then do it for you. Tell yourself you’re interesting, clever and beautiful.

In regards to how you raise your daughter seems like you’re going about it the right way as a lone parent. It can’t be easy.

But hopefully she can find some male role models along the way as I do believe there is almost always a noticeable difference in the girls that did have that and the ones that don’t, the latter more likely to have unhealthier relationships with men than the former.

”And the very first place it starts is with little girls being taught that their value lies in being "pretty". “

This is so true, I had a friend who taught her two daughters (both under 5 years old ) to use their looks 🤢 a zillion times a day she’d tell them how gorgeous and beautiful they were and she would get them to bat their eyelashes at waiters, customer service staff to get freebies /money off etc. I rarely heard her tell them how kind, gentle or intelligent they were

I asked her what’s going to happen if they carry on like that as young women in the workplace - I felt it’ll encourage predators who are looking for women willing to sleep with senior colleagues. She didn’t seem to get the correlation.

It's definitely a strange thing. I've noticed since becoming 40 that I no longer get the second glances but I can't say that it bothers me (i think if i really tried, then i could probably still turn heads but that would require a lot of things that i havent the time nor inclination to bother with). I'm sure there are women who still get those second looks that a older than me as they are likely more glamorous than me and do make more of an effort with their appearance. If it bothers you, time for a make over or something to boost your self-esteem although I'd probably be more inclined to work on my mindset in this situation rather than changing my outward appearance but that's just me. I can understand how you might miss it as it represents the ending of a part of your life maybe?

You miss it because it was proof you were attractive, and the vast majority of people, given the choice, would rather be good looking than not. For all the negative experiences these threads attract, being easy on the eye is generally accepted to be a significant advantage that makes life overall more pleasant. Few people want to see an advantage of any kind slipping away. Of course, you may well have psychological issues and of course how we percieve ourselves is within a sociological context. But what you're describing here is a fairly understandable and very common thing, so unless it's helpful, I'd not overthink it. And certainly don't be led down a path of self blame/shame by the implication you should somehow be too high minded to care and you're a substandard feminist if you do.