To be sad about lack of attention as I age?

[DogDaysArentOver]

Hi,

I think this is probably quite a 'normal' feeling, but I do kind of judge myself for caring so much.

I'm 40 next year, so a bit of a milestone, but I know I'm not old. However, I used to get quite a lot of attention, which tbh I didn't always like. In fact, most of the time it would make me feel uncomfortable, but there's a difference between being leered at, wolf whistled etc and just that second or third glance.

That's what I miss. Just that simple look of interest. It happens very occasionally now and once again, I judge myself for the little boost it gives me. It doesn't even have to be someone I find attractive. It's just nice to be noticed and not feel invisible!

Why do I pin so much on this? I'm married. I'm settled and not looking for anyone else, so why do I crave that little acknowledgement that I'm still an attractive and desirable woman. I mean, I think I look alright and dare I say, good for my age, but as soon as I stopped looking really young and full of collagen, I basically turned into a ghost.

So, aibu by caring so much? Does anyone relate?...

I just don’t think this is inevitable. I think it’s a vibe people give off, I’m in my fifties and don’t feel invisible. I think I’m happier and more confident, and am quite a cheery person mostly. I’m neither thin nor beautiful.

I honestly don't understand this whole being invisible thing.
When I'm just going about my day, shopping, or walking to the post office I don't notice/care whether people notice or ignore me. If someone pushes in or speaks over me I assert myself just as I always have.

In work I think I am the same colleague I have always been.
I socialise with friends and do sports with similar minded people so feel valued and welcome.

Can someone explain the invisible situations. I think I'm missing something.

I agree.

If you walk around with your head down avoiding eye contact then you’re wishing to be invisible.
It can be a self fulfilling prophecy, particularly if your inner narrative is “Im old and unattractive now”

I’m way more confident and comfortable in my own skin in my forties.
Try making eye contact, smiling, having a bit of small talk and a joke with people as you go about your day.

Thankfully a lot of men are far more respectful of women these days. Wolf whistling for example is pretty much a thing of the past.

My dh works in construction. Anyone cat calling or whistling at passing women means you’re thrown off site. It’s not tolerated.

I’m nearly 50 and single. I definitely notice it now. it’s depressing as I AM looking to date and it makes me realise that even men my age don’t fancy me.

I’m overweight - but always have been tbh and had no trouble attracting men - and I have very striking hair so I know I’m not invisible, but when I see an attractive man who would previously have met my gaze, these days they don’t even glance in my direction.

And I know it isn’t that men generally are scared to look etc as they definitely try to meet my DD’s gaze when I’m out with her.

She’s 16 so it’s particularly unwelcome for her. Men are stupid.

Don't feel sad. I am in my 50s and never really got much attention at all when I was younger.

I used to wish that I was prettier when I was younger, but having read about all the terrible things that have happened to other people on here and other places, I am really pleased that I missed all that.

I’ve never been a pretty picture to look at but I’ve found a bit of a flirt, bit of charm and a smile gets me a bit of attention and stops me feeling like an old saggy witch.

I’m late 20s moderately attractive and this thread makes me feel like a complete alien. I’ve never in my life experienced this male attention people are speaking about

Adult DD gets tonnes of male attention which she loves. I once posted some pics of her when we walked around London. That post got more likes than anything else I ever put on Facebook (> 60). I wonder if she'll be like OP at 40+ ...but I think not. I suspect she's still an introvert at heart & will be content to move into a new phase.

My adult DD also gets a lot of attention and some harassment when travelling out of London ( not blonde, just very tall, slim and attractive). She looks very mild, young and "soft" for want of a better word, and tends to attract sleazy older men at airports and in trains. She hates it.

That's why it's so tone deaf of men to whine about how they 'can't win these days' and how they allegedly can't even smile at a woman without being accused of sexual harassment. They either don't know or don't care that experiences like this are bound to make many women wary, if not hostile, to male attention.

I was averagely pretty when young so not mega desirable but could put on a fitted suit or dress, heels and strut my stuff down the street if I so desired. I also was vulnerable and naive and didn’t realise the majority of men I dated or even had a ons with were already attached.

The sort of guys, who only want arm candy are the sort of guys to treat women appallingly. I will never forget chatting to some guys my friend knew. They told us they had a mate, who systematically took a girl back to his and if he didn’t find her to his taste he’d put a paper bag over her head and throw her out once ‘finished’ in the middle of the night.

As for not being attractive enough, I don’t think this is true. I think a lot of it is a confidence issue. The right make up makes a lot of different, especially these days, where people do videos transforming themselves with contouring.

My 15 yo dd otoh is rather beautiful and really starting to get looked at. I don’t think she enjoys it much and not at all from older men. This summer when we were shopping, an older man stared at dd in a way, which sent chills down my spine - I mean raping with his eyes. It was disgusting and I was petrified.

I think it's rather sad to hear that some enjoy the attention from oglers and worse. In this day and age it's not very enlightened. The sorts of men who would do this are generally those you'd wish to avoid, and it doesn't say much for their character.

mmmmm... I suspect adult DD would say it's open frank honest & shame-free to enjoy sexual attention. What she doesn't like is bounders, guys who obviously have no chance being overt or persistent in their attentions. No-chance = not that attractive themselves, too old, scruffy, vulgar. She doesn't resent or fear them, she pities them. I suppose in some cases mild feelings of revulsion. She's committed to being polite and direct in rebuffing fellows, she gets to do that a lot, and considers this adult honesty to be sensible, especially since most approaches are from guys she will encounter repeatedly afterwards (say guys she sees at Uni). I find DD's attitude refreshing & so much more enlightened and competent than I was at same age. I suppose for DD there's a social power she feels in being attractive, and why shouldn't she enjoy that while it lasts.

Whilst the white van beeps and 2nd glances in supermarkets have stopped, me and my friends (39, 40 and 44) went on a girls holiday in April to Tenerife and we were batting males from early 20s to 50s away with a stick! There's a certain confidence in women of our age that attracts men. We're out for a good time and don't take ourselves seriously whereas we did notice the younger, prettier groups of girls were engrossed in selfies and Snapchat and whilst not actually looking like they were having fun. Lots of men have a thing about older women. My friend had a buff 23yr old soldier following her around like a puppy at the hotel and she had another invite her as a plus 1 to his brothers wedding 😆 We're all mums in long term relationships though so it was all platonic. It was a great self esteem boost though so yes, I think it's normal to want to be desirable as you age, especially if you've had that sort of attention in younger years. Nothing to be ashamed of!

"And this thread has been rather depressing in this context, with so many women apparently still happy to derive their worth from men's opinion of how they look and actually think random men objectifying them is a compliment."

That. I'm genuinely shocked that this thread exists in 2023. And at the sheer hypocrisy of so many posts.

The guy who posted here was roundly mocked, but I can see his point. On the one hand we're saying that men shouldn't see us as sex objects, and the next "I'm sad that men don't leer at me any more"

All these years of feminism down the drain.

That's how I feel.

Decent blokes don't objectify random women on the street and I want nothing from the types of men who do.

You make a very good point; but consider that you can go out feeling confident and that confidence is decimated as a teenager when you are the only one not getting any attention.

It seems like every woman has been catcalled except me

It was made me not trust men enough to have a LTR as he will cheat as I am not pretty enough.

I have a shitty unpopular body shape (apple) so while I have boobs I also have no waist and hip dips so my bum looks boxy from the back. My boobs are my only not hideous body feature I hate my waist and hips because they are so awful.

Casual sex is as far as I go and I have had that sparingly. In the dark obviously

I'm the happiest I've ever been now I'm 44.

But then I don't care what people think of me or need attention from strangers 🤷‍♀️

Surely in order to get the second glances you have to care enough to be looking yourself in order to catch the glances, I’ve never been one to look I find attention uncomfortable. But i love the people watching when im out. I’ve friends younger and effort they put in to catch it i find mesmerising to watch, not in a condescending way they’re my friends I love them, it’s just interesting how differently we all tick

I get what you mean OP. It’s nice to get attention. Though I do think that it doesn’t actually confer any advantage to me. A good way to think about it is what do you actually lose?

In all the years of cat calling and the more subtle eyeing up - never once has it led to me meeting a nice interesting person.

I suspect adult DD would say it's open frank honest & shame-free to enjoy sexual attention. What she doesn't like is bounders, guys who obviously have no chance being overt or persistent in their attentions. No-chance = not that attractive themselves, too old, scruffy, vulgar. She doesn't resent or fear them, she pities them. I suppose in some cases mild feelings of revulsion. She's committed to being polite and direct in rebuffing fellows, she gets to do that a lot, and considers this adult honesty to be sensible, especially since most approaches are from guys

So she only enjoys it from those she considers attractive

I'm lost for words to be honest. It's all quite depressing.

What you - and others- are saying is completely true.

however, I think many women suddenly feel invisible when they reach a certain age. I think it’s understandable that women feel sadness about it, but I don’t think it’s fair to say they aren’t feminist because of it.

Sadly, our society values women on their looks and beauty. Women suddenly feeling invisible when they are generally at their wisest, most experienced and capable is really sad.

women should acknowledge it so they can re-frame it, and understand that it’s not the male gaze they miss, it’s feeling like an important part of society.

Women actually need to be angry about this, because what it tells us is that without being sex objects - our value to men is actually pretty low.

I don’t think these women are wishing that men want to shag them- simply that they are recognised as people.

I can't say that I was aware of this kind of attention when I was younger either.

I love being invisible now (sixties). I had decades of attention (conventionally pretty, slim, great legs etc) sometimes I liked it (when I was in a safe environment) and I hated it (in potentially unsafe environments).

I used to think I would always take care of my appearance but as I got older it got more difficult and hard work and I realised how much I loved being able to walk around or be at work and have zero ‘interest’ in me. I don’t need strangers or acquaintances approval of how I look or how desirable I am and it’s very liberating.

Is it terrible that I have given much thought to whether any random people on the street who know nothing much about me at all paid we interest or not?

As such I wouldn’t know if anything has changed now I am in my 40s TBH… from this post though I am happy to have been too busy living in my own oblivion to worry about it 🤷🏻‍♀️🙂