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AIBU?

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Original poster

Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

171 replies

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 06:54

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 06:56

I would say that given the right combination of circumstances, all people are capable of cheating.

But then, given the right combination of circumstances, I think people can be capable of almost anything.

RLeymore · 12/10/2023 06:57

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

Missingmyusername · 12/10/2023 06:58

Yes and so are women.

NoIcePlease · 12/10/2023 07:00

All people are capable of cheating, yes.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:00

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 06:56

I would say that given the right combination of circumstances, all people are capable of cheating.

But then, given the right combination of circumstances, I think people can be capable of almost anything.

I cannot imagine it for myself, outside of circumstances being "drugged" or something like that. But then, I never had an opportunity to check that in practice, so can't claim it with certainty.

OP posts:
PurpleFlower1983 · 12/10/2023 07:00

Yes. I think some are more inclined than others but all are capable, even the best ones.

Splitscreened · 12/10/2023 07:02

Yes, and all women.

KimberleyClark · 12/10/2023 07:02

It takes a certain kind of “bottle” to cheat, and I do not think everyone has that.

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 07:02

@zendeveloper I agree, I can't imagine myself doing it either. Nor can I imagine my mum, dad, sister or DH doing it.

But, as I say, with the right combination of circumstances, I'd say almost anything can be possible.

crew2022 · 12/10/2023 07:04

Yes

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 07:04

Everyone is capable of it. Plenty of women cheat too Confused

Cornettoninja · 12/10/2023 07:04

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 06:56

I would say that given the right combination of circumstances, all people are capable of cheating.

But then, given the right combination of circumstances, I think people can be capable of almost anything.

Completely agree. I reckon that the people who’ve made their peace with this tend to be the ones that do actually have a degree of control and self awareness when in the circumstances that emerge as the ‘right’ combination.

It’s not foolproof and sometimes, especially in a cheating scenario, are just too hard to resist. Attraction combined with delusion is a funny thing.

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 07:05

I agree men and women are both capable, but I’d certainly say men are far far more likely to act on it. Ultimately women are far more conditioned in guilt, putting others first, ignoring their own wants (even if those ‘wants’ are as selfish as cheating) so I personally believe are less likely to cross a line - at least physically. I think men find it easier to reason cheating to themselves and others.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 12/10/2023 07:07

Everyone is capable of cheating but some people have too much respect for themselves and/or their partner.

I have been the OW (11 years ago when I was 18 and stupid) but I was single at the time. However, the affair started emotionally when I was still with an ex-boyfriend. I had ‘checked out’ of that relationship a long time before but he was emotionally manipulative and used to imply he would kill himself if I ever left him. When I did eventually try to end it, he didn’t let me and we stayed together another couple of weeks. I can’t say for definite that I wouldn’t have cheated if the opportunity had arisen. It’s a time in my life I’m not proud of.

Cornettoninja · 12/10/2023 07:07

@KimberleyClark I’m not sure it’s bottle as opposed to risk vs reward. Peoples bars are very different.

MiddleParking · 12/10/2023 07:07

KimberleyClark · 12/10/2023 07:02

It takes a certain kind of “bottle” to cheat, and I do not think everyone has that.

I think it takes a lot of maturity not to, when presented with the opportunity.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 07:09

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 06:56

I would say that given the right combination of circumstances, all people are capable of cheating.

But then, given the right combination of circumstances, I think people can be capable of almost anything.

Yes, I think there's truth in this.

Some people on here get very offended at the idea but I think being aware of our weaknesses and potential failings makes us more likely to be able to control them, rather than if we just assume it can never happen because we're such superior creatures.

Bob cheating doesn't mean he doesn't love your friend either, although of course it's not something she has to accept or work through if she doesn't want to.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 07:09

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 07:05

I agree men and women are both capable, but I’d certainly say men are far far more likely to act on it. Ultimately women are far more conditioned in guilt, putting others first, ignoring their own wants (even if those ‘wants’ are as selfish as cheating) so I personally believe are less likely to cross a line - at least physically. I think men find it easier to reason cheating to themselves and others.

Apparently men are 7% more likely to cheat than women. I don't think that's an extraordinarily large difference.

I think men are also more likely to have the opportunity to cheat once they're married/have kids, if their wife or partner is a stay at home parent.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:09

Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 07:02

@zendeveloper I agree, I can't imagine myself doing it either. Nor can I imagine my mum, dad, sister or DH doing it.

But, as I say, with the right combination of circumstances, I'd say almost anything can be possible.

I can see the point. I don't know, maybe I am shocked with the banality of all it. I mean, I probably assumed that it would take a young and sexually adventurous Monica Belucci falling onto his lap while he was completely inebriated and overdosed with viagra, to be able to break the bond of a kind they had with my friend. Not a woman from a corner shop who he seems to have pursued for a few months before she responded. I feel just completely terrible for her, and additionally terrible for the state of the world.

OP posts:
Dacadactyl · 12/10/2023 07:11

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 07:09

Apparently men are 7% more likely to cheat than women. I don't think that's an extraordinarily large difference.

I think men are also more likely to have the opportunity to cheat once they're married/have kids, if their wife or partner is a stay at home parent.

Show quote history

Can I ask about your last paragraph? What makes you think that a SAHM is more likely to be cheated on please? Just curious about that.

GrowUpWoman · 12/10/2023 07:13

I’m not sure that’s what PP meant.

I read it as, a man who is working outside of the house has far more opportunity to cheat than someone who stays home every day and whose ability to meet people/be where they’re not meant to be is far smaller.

Tempnamechng · 12/10/2023 07:14

No, I know my DH of almost 30 years wouldn't ever and I know that I wouldn't. I've worked in very male environments and travelled overseas on work trips with large groups of men. I think its 50/50 between those who have a what goes abroad stays abroad mentality, versus steady family men who genuinely aren't interested. It isn't about opportunity with the men who won't.

Hillrunning · 12/10/2023 07:16

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:00

I cannot imagine it for myself, outside of circumstances being "drugged" or something like that. But then, I never had an opportunity to check that in practice, so can't claim it with certainty.

Show quote history

Err being 'drugged' wouldn't make someone a cheater it would make them a victim of abuse. I really hope you understand that!!!

As for your question, all humans are capable of cheating. Perhaps not all the the degrees that Bob did as it takes sustained effort but everyone, even you, could cheat.

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 07:17

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 07:09

Apparently men are 7% more likely to cheat than women. I don't think that's an extraordinarily large difference.

I think men are also more likely to have the opportunity to cheat once they're married/have kids, if their wife or partner is a stay at home parent.

Show quote history

That’s an interesting statistic, I would’ve thought it was higher but then again how many men (or women) would admit to a fling or ONS for the sake of a statistic?

I certainly agree men have more opportunities, especially when part of a family unit. I would say that my previous post about men finding it easier to convince themselves they’re not doing something awful is more likely in these situations - blaming their wife for changing or being permanently exhausted after having children for example. There is an undeniable sense in many men that they’re owed sex.

ShippingNews · 12/10/2023 07:17

If you met me and DH, you'd never in a million years think that either of us would cheat. Old married couple, devoted to each other . And yet ....when we met 20 years ago, we both cheated on our previous partners . I assure you, in the right circumstances anyone is capable of cheating.