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Original poster

Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

171 replies

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 06:54

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

OP posts:
JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 08:22

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 08:17

It's primarily about selfishness - it's quite basic really. I think once you cross certain boundaries, it becomes easier to cross others. It's quite easy to convince yourself that you haven't done anything that bad if you want to. That's probably why men often invent or exaggerate the "unhappy marriage/inattentive wife" - they need to convince themselves.

I am also a long time vegetarian who has almost caved on more than one occassion, and may well have licked the bolognese spoon when cooking Shock. I don't dislike the taste of meat, I just don't want to eat poor dead animals. I know it tastes good.
I've also almost certainly eaten things that contain undiscolsed gelatine or fish sauce because I haven't bothered to check/really wanted to eat it/it's more convenient to eat whatever it is when travelling etc... I definitely don't "eat meat" but I've crossed boundaries others would say are unacceptable.

I haven't cheated on my husband but I could. He could also cheat on me. I don't think he has to date, but I accept I may be wrong. If I actually thought he had/was then I'd divorce him.

To clarify, when I say I could cheat on my husband, I mean the capability lies within me, as it does him. Not that I've got someone lined up!

MumblesParty · 12/10/2023 08:22

I think everyone is capable of cheating in the right set of circumstances. Anyone who says they would 100% never cheat is lacking imagination.

For example - I love my partner and I am sure I wouldn’t cheat on him. He’s kind, funny, caring - I can’t imagine finding anyone “better” who would make it worth me risking my relationship. However, if my partner was abusive, violent, cruel, and made me feel crap about myself, it would be different. If I met a man at work who was kind, told me I was worth more, listened to me, laughed with me, made me feel like I was valuable and loved - well, I can easily imagine cheating on my violent partner. At the very least I could have an emotional affair, while plucking up the courage to leave.

And for the person who gave the vegetarian analogy - if you were starving on a desert island and all there was to eat was meat, would you die before eating meat? My partner has been vegetarian for 35 years, hasn’t eaten any meat at all in that time, and even he admits that he would kill and eat an animal if the alternative was starvation.

Bottom line is, given the right set of circumstances, we’re all capable of pretty much anything.

mydogisthebest · 12/10/2023 08:29

adriftabroad · 12/10/2023 08:19

@mydogisthebest nobody says your clothes fall off magically. Of course it is a choice. A choice people make for many reasons.

@Tlolljs agreed. I am vegetarian, meat makes me sick, ethically, but sometimes, I fancy fish and eat it.

But people come out with the pathetic "I never meant for it to happen" and other equally pathetic excuses.

It's a choice and we are all perfectly capable of not making that choice

BlastedPimples · 12/10/2023 08:29

Everyone is capable of cheating. Of course they are.

Tlolljs · 12/10/2023 08:33

Oh I absolutely agree it’s a choice, and lots of people choose to do things that you i wouldn’t do. But lots of people find excuses for the things they do.

kulkovs · 12/10/2023 08:36

I think that everyone is capable of cheating. However some people live by a strong moral code and choose to stay faithful.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 08:36

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 08:22

Whoever said it was selfish is right. It certainly is.

I guess it was his way of escaping/coping and he figured his wife would never find out so no harm would be done. I'm amazed sometimes at how little care these men take. I think they sometimes just imagine that if they don't want to be caught, the universe will just conspire to do what they want.

How did she find out?

Show quote history

In a very soap-operatic way. She prepared a surprise to the DH, and discovered him with the OW during the "surprise". He first tried to write it off as just a close friend accidentally bumping into him in a hotel, but then the OW broke down later that evening, uploaded everything to a file share server and sent my friend a link via social media. From romantic correspondence, to holiday receipts and photos from their trips, to some "family" style photos with her and her parents / children.

Had she read his phone / email she would have discovered this much earlier. He was never secretive about it, left phone and email not protected and in full visibility. She even thinks that maybe he thought - "well, she certainly knows by now, and acts ok with it".

OP posts:
Mumof2teens79 · 12/10/2023 08:36

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 06:54

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

I think everyone is "capable" of cheating, not just men.

Beezknees · 12/10/2023 08:36

Everyone is capable of cheating, male and female. Men are more likely to cheat as their egos need flattering. I'm not saying that every man definitely will cheat of course, but I think it would be naive for anyone to confidently say their partner never would.

mydogisthebest · 12/10/2023 08:37

MumblesParty · 12/10/2023 08:22

I think everyone is capable of cheating in the right set of circumstances. Anyone who says they would 100% never cheat is lacking imagination.

For example - I love my partner and I am sure I wouldn’t cheat on him. He’s kind, funny, caring - I can’t imagine finding anyone “better” who would make it worth me risking my relationship. However, if my partner was abusive, violent, cruel, and made me feel crap about myself, it would be different. If I met a man at work who was kind, told me I was worth more, listened to me, laughed with me, made me feel like I was valuable and loved - well, I can easily imagine cheating on my violent partner. At the very least I could have an emotional affair, while plucking up the courage to leave.

And for the person who gave the vegetarian analogy - if you were starving on a desert island and all there was to eat was meat, would you die before eating meat? My partner has been vegetarian for 35 years, hasn’t eaten any meat at all in that time, and even he admits that he would kill and eat an animal if the alternative was starvation.

Bottom line is, given the right set of circumstances, we’re all capable of pretty much anything.

I don't lack imagination thank you but I know I would never cheat. To me it is wrong, totally and utterly wrong. People can make every excuse under the sun but it is still wrong.

As I said, I have strong morals, especially around marriage and fidelity and can be absolutely certain I would not cheat.

I think comparing cheating to a starving vegetarian eating meat is ridiculous and making cheating seem insignificant.

I have been vegetarian for 40 years. If I were starving then yes I am sure I would eat meat to stay alive although, again, I know for sure I would not kill an animal.

egowise · 12/10/2023 08:38

Yes, but I believe anyone is capable.
My eyes were opened a couple of years ago to the 'perfect' husband not being who everyone thinks.

Mistymist · 12/10/2023 08:46

Not only men, but women also. I know plenty of women who have cheated on their partners/husbands.

MumblesParty · 12/10/2023 08:51

mydogisthebest · 12/10/2023 08:37

I don't lack imagination thank you but I know I would never cheat. To me it is wrong, totally and utterly wrong. People can make every excuse under the sun but it is still wrong.

As I said, I have strong morals, especially around marriage and fidelity and can be absolutely certain I would not cheat.

I think comparing cheating to a starving vegetarian eating meat is ridiculous and making cheating seem insignificant.

I have been vegetarian for 40 years. If I were starving then yes I am sure I would eat meat to stay alive although, again, I know for sure I would not kill an animal.

Show quote history

You may have strong morals but without doubt you lack imagination. No one can be 100% certain of how they’d behave in a situation that they have never come close to experiencing. The human brain is simply not that predictable, however much we might like to think we know ourselves. People change.

StarlightLady · 12/10/2023 08:53

Either gender is capable of “cheating”.

To be in a monogamous relationship long term is not a natural state. It is probably better for society, for example parenting, conforming with the social norm, shared home, personal support etc.

But for ever and ever amen, is often something of a fairy tale.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 08:56

StarlightLady · 12/10/2023 08:53

Either gender is capable of “cheating”.

To be in a monogamous relationship long term is not a natural state. It is probably better for society, for example parenting, conforming with the social norm, shared home, personal support etc.

But for ever and ever amen, is often something of a fairy tale.

I actually agree with this. But there's a difference between having serial monogamous relationships, and knowingly breaching the monogamy contract you have with your current partner, right? It is the latter behaviour I cannot quite wrap my head around.

OP posts:
ehb102 · 12/10/2023 09:06

You never know if you'd cheat or not until you get a really good offer at a really bad time.

MercyNursey · 12/10/2023 09:09

100% I think anyone is capable of cheating and I think it is naive to think your DP wouldn’t ever cheat

I can’t imagine a circumstance where I would ever cheat, plus right now I have no reason to. But am I capable of cheating? Definitely

BeautifulWar · 12/10/2023 09:20

I think it's people. No relationship is perfect, despite outward appearances and no relationship stays the same.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two.

I totally get what you mean, but people don't fall neatly into a hierarchy. There's clearly something about this OW or their relationship that he feels is lacking in his marriage. That's not a justification for what he's done, but ultimately attractiveness and education are meaningless and not a guarantee for anything!

saveforthat · 12/10/2023 09:21

You are a bit dismissive of the other woman's attraction (older, less educated, works in a shop). As someone said upthread, it's about the way someone makes you feel. Sexual chemistry is inexplicable. Maybe he finds your friend who is perfect in every way intimidating sometimes. Not excusing cheating btw. Ideally you should end one relationship before starting another.

Zebedee55 · 12/10/2023 09:25

Given the right set of circumstances, all people are capable of cheating. Men and women.

adriftabroad · 12/10/2023 09:25

I think sex might be more powerful than romantic love, if the sex is missing in the romantic love.

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 12/10/2023 09:25

Your poor friend 😪 she must feel completely blindsided. How is she coping?

Yes, I think everyone is capable of cheating.

Newgirls · 12/10/2023 09:26

I think men might be more inclined to put their ‘needs’ first. So if they are going through a tough time (death of a parent, problems at work) and someone is lovely to them, they might justify their behaviour as ‘needing’ that support. Which could become an affair. Women might be more likely to talk to friends and have their needs met that way.

huge simplification but that’s what I’ve observed with people I know in their 50s

Lindtislife · 12/10/2023 09:27

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Whattodo112222 · 12/10/2023 09:30

I think a large majority of people including women as well as men would cheat if they could get away with it

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