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Original poster

Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

171 replies

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 06:54

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

OP posts:
Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 10:15

HelloItsMeHowAreYou · 12/10/2023 09:55

I expect you'll get the "his confidence needed a boost" "he knew he was punching" silly comments now after saying how amazing your friend is.

Could be, but they are together from since both were 18-19, for around 20 years now, so I'd think quite used to each other's brilliance. I am obviously mad at him now, but objectively they are probably peers in terms of success, and both usually enjoy significant attention from the opposite sex.

OP posts:
NonMiDispiace · 12/10/2023 10:15

Cupcakekiller · 12/10/2023 07:34

I think women are more likely to cheat when their emotional needs aren't being met and their relationship is unhappy whereas men will cheat when everything is fine at home.

I think this is true.
I get absolutely fed up with the cliche that ‘it’s only sex’ when men cheat.
I would never trust any man not to cheat if the opportunity arises; if they knew for certain that they wouldn’t get caught out then I suspect nearly every man would cheat if the opportunity is there.

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 10:16

Warum · 12/10/2023 10:09

All people are capable of cheating.

‘Women do it too!’ Is becoming the ‘Not all men!’. Yes both sexes are capable of anything, but in reality who is more likely to cheat? Especially in established/serious relationships and when children have come along. I’m not saying that cheating at all is acceptable, but there’s also a huge difference between playing around when young and carefree, and undermining a whole family structure because things have changed/become stressful and they want a carefree fling/affair on the side. Men are more likely to partake in the latter and the consequences are usually much bigger.

MrsSkylerWhite · 12/10/2023 10:17

No. Lots of people are capable of cheating. Some just aren’t, it’s not in their character.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 10:22

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 10:14

I'm interested as to what made OW "break" and send all the evidence to his wife. If I understand it correctly, he initially managed to talk his way out of it and your friend was likely to have written it off. Gathering all the evidence and creating a link to send to her is quite a lot of effort. Was she hoping to get him to leave his wife for her?

No idea tbh. Maybe remorse? I would imagine it would be quite difficult to see a man who has been with you, or "with you" for nearly two years to openly deny everything. Must have been quite a reality check.

OP posts:
glossypeach · 12/10/2023 10:23

My ex cheated on me when I was pregnant, the girl he cheated on me with cheated on her partner whilst she was also pregnant. So both women and men are capable of cheating - regardless of circumstances and it gives me no faith in humanity.

Beezknees · 12/10/2023 10:24

StarlightLady · 12/10/2023 08:53

Either gender is capable of “cheating”.

To be in a monogamous relationship long term is not a natural state. It is probably better for society, for example parenting, conforming with the social norm, shared home, personal support etc.

But for ever and ever amen, is often something of a fairy tale.

I agree with this and I realised in my 20s that a traditional relationship is not for me. I had a baby when I was 18 with someone I was in a relationship with but he left, and since then I've never had a traditional relationship and I'm well into my 30s now. I've got no desire to commit to one person for the rest of my life, don't want marriage or more children or even to live with anyone.

JustWhatWeDontNeed · 12/10/2023 10:29

I don't think it's realistic to compare your experience of your friend to her relationship with her husband and how he perceives her. You don't experience people the same way when you're in a relationship. Like you, I have friends I would defend to the death as being wonderful people, but in reality I don't live with them day in day out - I'm sure they can be unreasonable dicks and have all sorts of relationship issues that wouldn't arise in a platonic friendship.

I doubt your friend would feel any better if he'd been shagging a supermodel. The fact that he has cheated with someone you deem to be inferior, shows that looks and mirrored intellect aren't necessarily a factor at all. If cheating was so unnatural (not sure if thats the right word), it wouldn't be rife. I think a lot of people would be surprised at things that may have happened when their backs have been turned from their significant other.

I work abroad and a lot of the husbands here have wives who go "home" for the summer with the kids. A fair few of them have "girlfriends" who fill in while the wife is away, waiting for him to see the light. Friends and colleagues will know this and turn a blind eye. This is also what happens in many workplaces. Everyone knows X and Y are shagging, but they'll still smile and chummy up to the husbands/wives at the christmas party. I've also been astonished at the shocking number of men who use prostitutes.

Opportunity. It's largely down to opportunity.

Bbq1 · 12/10/2023 10:34

No, not all. Like not all women cheat but many do.

mydogisthebest · 12/10/2023 10:39

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 09:47

Surely we all have times when we fail to uphold our morals, otherwise we'd be perfect.

I guess it depends how strong our morals are and what actions you are looking at.

I would not cheat because my morals on cheating and marriage are so strong. I really did not think I would marry because of my views but when I met DH I found he had exactly the same morals and, no, I did not tell him my views before he told me his.

I also believe stealing is wrong but am honest enough to say that if I were desperate for food I might well steal.

scrivette · 12/10/2023 10:47

Agree about the right circumstances and the right combination of events means it's possible that even someone who was wholly against cheating could end up doing so.

I have 'a friend' who had a great marriage, circumstances meant that the husband had a very short lived affair which he regretted. The wife would never normally have cheated and was devastated by the affair but on holiday alone ended up cheating on her husband. All this took place over a few weeks of madness and after lots of discussions they are still happily married many years later.

It's very sad for all involved and I suppose no one really knows what goes on in other peoples lives.

oohsharon · 12/10/2023 10:52

"No, I know my DH of almost 30 years wouldn't ever and I know that I wouldn't."

😬 the exact type of people it happens to, and often the ones that don't notice it!

OP - I think you've had them on some kind of pedestal, worshipping them and aspiring to be like them.

A friend of mine recently introduced me to a couple who she described as "love goals, the cutest couple you'll ever meet. They adore each other". Guess what, he's an absolute creep, dead behind the eyes (and he's now left her and their 3 kids for his affair partner of 18 months. My friend can't see it, she's blindsided. But I didn't like him at all 🤷🏽‍♀️

cremona · 12/10/2023 11:12

@zendeveloper i mean this neutrally/nicely, not as a criticism, but you sound over-invested in their relationship so if it was me I’d be spending some time thinking about why that is and how I can put the focus back on my own life and relationships.

lifeofsty · 12/10/2023 11:12

Every single one of us is capable of cheating, given the right circumstances.

Warum · 12/10/2023 11:23

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 10:16

‘Women do it too!’ Is becoming the ‘Not all men!’. Yes both sexes are capable of anything, but in reality who is more likely to cheat? Especially in established/serious relationships and when children have come along. I’m not saying that cheating at all is acceptable, but there’s also a huge difference between playing around when young and carefree, and undermining a whole family structure because things have changed/become stressful and they want a carefree fling/affair on the side. Men are more likely to partake in the latter and the consequences are usually much bigger.

Show quote history

I have known both women and men who cheat, in both long term relationships and in perhaps less serious ones. I am not trying to compare, or so who is more likely to cheat, simply stating that any person can cheat. For a man to cheat he needs to be cheating with someone, and while that could be a male, it's often a female - if she is in a relationship with someone she knows already has a partner then while she's not cheating, she's far from innocent.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 11:28

cremona · 12/10/2023 11:12

@zendeveloper i mean this neutrally/nicely, not as a criticism, but you sound over-invested in their relationship so if it was me I’d be spending some time thinking about why that is and how I can put the focus back on my own life and relationships.

Just now - she came to stay with me now with their daughter until she decides what to do next, so obviously this is very high on the daily agenda.

I don't have relatioships lol, not the right person for it.

OP posts:
oohsharon · 12/10/2023 11:31

"I don't have relatioships lol, not the right person for it."

Explains why you're so invested in theirs and had them on such a pedestal. I bet there were red flags all over the place, you just didn't see them.

Why on earth are they moving in with mates all the time for a start?! And moving their children around all the time, that's not a stable and steady home.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 11:40

oohsharon · 12/10/2023 11:31

"I don't have relatioships lol, not the right person for it."

Explains why you're so invested in theirs and had them on such a pedestal. I bet there were red flags all over the place, you just didn't see them.

Why on earth are they moving in with mates all the time for a start?! And moving their children around all the time, that's not a stable and steady home.

Wait, why do you say they are moving in with mates all the time? We house shared 20 years ago when at university, I thought it was quite normal. Then they stayed with me for ~2 months recently when they came to London for a holiday, then now she moved out of the family home and came to stay with me. They have a family home, a few investment properties, have lived in a few countries over the world but it was before their daughter was born.

They are both very good friends, she is probably my best friend.

OP posts:
cremona · 12/10/2023 11:40

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 11:28

Just now - she came to stay with me now with their daughter until she decides what to do next, so obviously this is very high on the daily agenda.

I don't have relatioships lol, not the right person for it.

Show quote history

Just now - she came to stay with me now with their daughter until she decides what to do next, so obviously this is very high on the daily agenda.

Sure, I understand. It’s nice that you’re being a supportive friend to her.

I don't have relatioships lol, not the right person for it.

See, this is the bit that I think you need to re-think. And I say that as someone who has been in the same boat x

Zimunya · 12/10/2023 11:44

"All men cheat" and "All men are capable of cheating" are two very different statements. I don't believe all men cheat. I do believe that all people are capable of cheating - it's a choice you make, just like any other. Some people will choose to, and some people will chose not to.

adriftabroad · 12/10/2023 11:45

I hope she knows you are publishing all this information about her on a public forum.

IVF
Length of marriage
DD DH and her and career
Where they live
The affair and OW etc etc

It is all a bit much TBH

Chypre · 12/10/2023 11:46

Are all people capable - most definitely, but absolutely not all of them (men or women or whoever) can be bothered.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 11:54

adriftabroad · 12/10/2023 11:45

I hope she knows you are publishing all this information about her on a public forum.

IVF
Length of marriage
DD DH and her and career
Where they live
The affair and OW etc etc

It is all a bit much TBH

What is the length of the marriage? What are the careers? Where do they live?

You must be reading a different thread.

OP posts:
adriftabroad · 12/10/2023 11:57

20 years, London, DD, IVF, lived abroad etc etc It is too much detail. High flying career took time off for dying MIL.Off the top of my head.

But, I presume you asked permission.

oohsharon · 12/10/2023 11:58

There are red flags all over your posts, it sounds a very unhealthy set up. If this is the "dream" we should all aspire to then I despair.

"Then they stayed with me for ~2 months recently when they came to London for a holiday, then now she moved out of the family home and came to stay with me."

They went on a 2 month holiday with their child to your house/flat in London? That's not normal for people with properties all over the place, no.

She's left her home and taken her child from her home to a place so far away that she spent 2 months on holiday there recently? That's not normal, no. What about the child's routines? Her schooling, friends and family etc?

He "turned into dad of the year" in your OP. So he wasn't before then? Only when he was shagging around did he get a bit of life in him? Hmm. Sounds pathetic in all honesty, I don't think I'd have liked him much from the offset 🤣 but I'm picky like that.

OP - does she know you're sharing all of her personal details on social media? Anyone who went to a mates flat in London for 2 months and now suddenly upped and moved cities, countries?!, with their daughter would be highly identifiable from your posts. Some "probably best" friend 😅

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