Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

[zendeveloper]

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

I think all people are capable, but most would choose not to.

I don't think SAHM are more likely to be cheated on. I think women who are SAHM have less opportunity to cheat, than men who work out of the home and go on business trips.

The same applies if you have SAHD and mum working outside the home. She has more opportunity to cheat, generally.

Yes this totally.

Oh yes, all people have the potential. Lots don't do it of course, but we're all human.

I'm not sure I have the 'outrage at infidelity ' gene, if there is one. This is clearly someone who you're right to think is a natural at relationships, and currently has two. Though presumably not for much longer.

Loving your spouse won’t stop you cheating btw. An amazing relationship won’t stop a cheater. I truly believe only you will stop yourself cheating. You stay faithful for you and only you. My husband is my collateral damage.

If a marriage sucks then leave - keep your integrity and self respect.

Yes. I believe all men are capable of cheating.
I would say the situation with ‘Bob’ is typical.

No-one ever thinks they will cheat, then circumstances change and it often happens.

"Capable" is a really weird word to use here. Everyone's capable of cheating. It's not hard. Cheating isn't something you're able or not to do - it's a conscious decision. Some people are willing to cheat and others are not.

Men and women are capable of doing the most appalling things given the right set of circumstances and motivation to do so.

Yes, definitely. 100%.

In my 20s I saw/did one type of cheating. (bfs, work conferences/ONSs no DCs and no real responsibility and agree with a PP on drug and alcohol use conensually)

In my 30s/40s married couples with young DC pressure/pressure to conceive. Divorces/new blended families, illness etc (agree with PP on husbands of SHMs having opportunity)

In 50s/60s DCs gone. Divorce. Womens menopause can be disasterous sexually. Men, the age starts to cause cause ED... the vast amount of easily available porn older men seem to love. More emotional affairs. Elderly parent pressure. Wanting to escape it all and a feeling of "one last chance"

Can you tell me and all my friends are early 50s?😉

Everyone is capable of cheating and still loving their spouse or, faing inlove again and leaving them.

I think I am too. I’ve been very attracted to people on the past but if an opportunity presented itself to shag them I would probably run a mile!

Excellent analogy! I am not vegetarian, but I totally get it. See, the issue is that I would have sworn last week that the guy is "vegetarian". So would my friend, her main emotion was (and still is) not anger or disgust which would be understandable, but complete disbelief. She told me that her first thought was that she's sleeping or hallucinating. They were the couple who were even friendly teased at our reunions about how devoted to each other they are, and honestly everyone envied them (in a good way).

Yes,I do think they are all capable of it. I'd have said the opposite several years ago.

Like a lot of "non sexy" (sorry, I don't mean you're ugly, I hope you know what I mean) people, you're putting it all down to how much you fancy one particular person. Attraction isn't like that. It's as much about how you feel about yourself, what's going on in your head and how another person enables you to frame your self perception. Or if something happens in your life to change things and make you open/vulnerable to things you wouldn't normally do. It isn't just about being randy with a good looking person.

Please understand, I'm not saying you will cheat. I never have and don't plan to. But I do think you are oversimplifying why people do.

Just to add @zendeveloper

You mention about the OW age, attractiveness etc.
I firmly believe that the reason many men cheat is not because they don’t love their partner. It’s purely based on how the AP makes them feel about themselves. This is why it often happens in middle age. It’s not a reflection on their DW, it’s a reflection on them.

Sadly, yes. I cant tell you how many times in my immediate circle of friends, family and acquaintances, that partners have been completely blindsided by cheating. They all believed implicitly in the ethics, morals, character, love, and fidelity of the person. You just never can tell. Contrarily, some of the biggest rogues and players have once or twice turned out to be excellent partners and family men. It really is completely upredictable but sadly I would say that yes, all men (and all women) have the capacity to cheat. Weak boundaries, narcissm, midlife crisis, opportunity, selfishness or any combination of the above, and boom - things are done that can not be undone.

Yes, agreed. It doesn't mean the wife is somehow failing or the OW is in any way superior. Affairs are about the cheater, most of the time. If she made him feel like James Bond, maybe even because she doesn't get much male attention so she goes a bit mad when she does...that can be what does it.

And obviously it's not OK. But it's not about just feeling horny.

OP, you say Bob and his wife each lost a parent? Honestly, that's exactly the kind of thing that can make him start thinking about death, wanting some sort of life-affirming escape and all that. It's not OK and I'm not saying it is. But it is the kind of thing that can make a person open to things they would never have considered when the circumstances were different.

How she looks like is more of my own insecurity. I am not attractive, and the only meaningful relationship in my life ended with the guy leaving for someone conventionally attractive when I had a newborn and a toddler (not my finest moment either) - and yes, he explained the reason to me. So I guess I rationalised it by explaining to myself that it is completely logical for a man to want to "upgrade", so what did I want. But in this case, from what I could see, it looks like such a massive "downgrade" on every metric I can think of - I obviously don't know the OW as a person, but I definitely know that my friend is a one in a million personality wise.

I agree with a previous poster about the use of the word "capable". We are all capable of cheating but many would not.

I have never cheated and know with complete certainty that I would not. I have respect for my husband and for myself. I also have strong morals.

I believe cheating is wrong and could never live with myself if I cheated. I don't know how people live with all the lying they have to do. I honestly can never lie to DH. I can't even lie about how much something cost. I did once many years ago and was so wracked with guilt I had to tell him.

Many people have little or no morals and respect so find it pretty easy to cheat. Often they make excuses as to why it happened. I find it pathetic. Cheating never just happens. Your clothes don't magically fall off and you unexpectedly find yourself having sex with someone. You make that choice.

There’s many a vegetarian who has a sneaky bacon sandwich though.
I think any one is capable. The statistics of men cheating more often is because they get caught.

It's primarily about selfishness - it's quite basic really. I think once you cross certain boundaries, it becomes easier to cross others. It's quite easy to convince yourself that you haven't done anything that bad if you want to. That's probably why men often invent or exaggerate the "unhappy marriage/inattentive wife" - they need to convince themselves.

I am also a long time vegetarian who has almost caved on more than one occassion, and may well have licked the bolognese spoon when cooking . I don't dislike the taste of meat, I just don't want to eat poor dead animals. I know it tastes good.
I've also almost certainly eaten things that contain undiscolsed gelatine or fish sauce because I haven't bothered to check/really wanted to eat it/it's more convenient to eat whatever it is when travelling etc... I definitely don't "eat meat" but I've crossed boundaries others would say are unacceptable.

I haven't cheated on my husband but I could. He could also cheat on me. I don't think he has to date, but I accept I may be wrong. If I actually thought he had/was then I'd divorce him.

Yes, there has been a death of a parent from each side, in quick succession. It looked at the time from the outside like it actually has brought them closer, our friend group first obviously gathered around, but then we saw that they need just one another, no one else.

She took 6 months off work to look after his mother when she was terminal, whilst he went on "business trips" with the OW. I cannot just stack it up in my head.

I think anyone is capable of it in the right set of circumstances.

Nobody would've suspected my husband of being the cheating type - he wasn't at all flirty with women, had only ever had a relationship with me, was quite antisocial generally and honest as the day is long.

Then, one night whilst away at a works do, the combination of too much alcohol, a woman paying him lots of attention and a hotel room led to a one night stand (that he then came home and told me about because he couldn't live with himself)

@mydogisthebest nobody says your clothes fall off magically. Of course it is a choice. A choice people make for many reasons.

@Tlolljs agreed. I am vegetarian, meat makes me sick, ethically, but sometimes, I fancy fish and eat it.

I would trust someone who acknowledged ‘everyone has the potential to cheat’ and who talks through their thought processes + communicated with me about their insecurities over someone who swore blind they wouldn’t ever be able to cheat.

Whoever said it was selfish is right. It certainly is.

I guess it was his way of escaping/coping and he figured his wife would never find out so no harm would be done. I'm amazed sometimes at how little care these men take. I think they sometimes just imagine that if they don't want to be caught, the universe will just conspire to do what they want.

How did she find out?