Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

[zendeveloper]

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

I actually think women put their needs first a lot of the time too, but their needs are different. How many women stay in shit relationships with absolute arseholes who ruin family life because they don't want to downgrade financially or uproot? And telling themselves "he's a great dad" even when he clearly isn't might be the equivalent of "my wife won't find out so she won't get hurt".

I could not in 1,000,000 years think or believe that my exDH would be capable of cheating. He was an amazing husband and I thought we had an amazing marriage. He cheated though. So my vote is "unfortunately, yes". Humans are weak and fallible.

Some people on here get very offended at the idea but I think being aware of our weaknesses and potential failings makes us more likely to be able to control them, rather than if we just assume it can never happen because we're such superior creatures.

Yes, this goes for a lot of things really.

If you look at it objectively, I'm more likely to cheat on my husband using "means and opportunity". I leave the house more, I'm more able to compartmentalise, and a very good liar. I'm more fastidious about people though, so finding an affair partner would be an issue!

On his side, he's a bit oblivious, so could pass through the early stages without consciously realising it. I am quite morally rigid and would shut someone flirty down - so long as I didn't want to reciprocate. And he really has the dogged loyalty of, well, a dog, and he's absolutely awful at lying.

I actually think it's spectacularly unlikely that either of us would have an affair, but I'm not delusional about the particular risk factors.

The vegetarian analogy - you could replace it with alcohol. A teetotal person has a hard boundary. Or drug taking. I personally won’t drink any alcohol and drive my car. Most people have a hard boundary they refuse to cross for themself. For example - If I had wine for lunch I would not drive again that day. If I’m driving I never drink. That’s my own choice (others think it’s daft and maybe even ridiculous - that’s okay with me) and I stick to it.

Cheating is a choice.

A desert island and killing an animal vs starving to death is a bit different to taking your clothes off in a warm hotel room after an evening meal and shagging someone. My analogy was to do with individual values and choices. I stood up in front of my friends and family and said I will be faithful. I did that for me. I don’t want to be someone whose word is meaningless. My words and values matter to me as they affect me . I don’t do it for anyone else.

So many cheaters desperately want their marriage back when caught. It’s a case of thinking they deserve extra cake. If cheating is okay why don’t cheaters tell their spouse what they are up to - they could then join the party? Instead they expect monogamy from their spouse.

Also is it to do with what is lacking in a marriage or the feeling you deserve 100% not the 80% a marriage provides? Why not talk to your spouse? Why turn yourself into a liar?

I think the reasons for cheating can be really complicated. I don't think many cheat if they are happy with their spouse, to be honest.😗

Everything in life is a choice. This is just another choice that people make for themselves when the opportunity presents itself.

Not dismissive (I objectively look much, much worse than this woman), I just cannot fathom how anyone, much less him, would have preferred her over my friend. And I am trying to be objective here, obviously I am biased towards my friend, but still just don't get it! My friend has model-tier looks, a PhD, used to have a stellar career (was a carer for most of the last year, first to her MIL, then her own father), is an amazing conversationalist and is one of the smartest people I know (with a vivid, fluid intelligence, and not just book-smart) and has a heard of gold. Her DH is a successful senior consultant, a very intelligent and refined guy, very well read and travelled, has a great career but equally donates a lot of time and expertise to charity projects. They used to intimidate me as a power couple lol.

Let's just say that what I could deduce from stalking the OW's social media profile, I cannot even imagine what she and my friend's DH could have in common, it is not just looks (although that also puzzles me) - it is also the content she seems to be into, things like conspiracy theories, cheesy memes and videos, sharing scams and fake news.

Surely we all have times when we fail to uphold our morals, otherwise we'd be perfect.

I never thought my DH would cheat. He was a loving, caring family man. I naively thought he would never do that. Until he did. And he’s wrecked mine and the children’s lives in the process.

Coping very badly. He behaves like nothing has happened, and asked her what is the schedule for their next IVF cycle (that was supposed to start imminently). That's when she broke and told me everything.

Your friend is clearly fabulous, no question.

But since you're asking what he might have seen in the OW, well, it sounds to me like he felt a chance to feel superior and looked up to and admired in a way your friend wouldn't make him feel. That's absolutely not a criticism of her - why would she do that when she's amazing and he's not above her? It's a criticism of him and his ego. But that's what it sounds like to me.

All people are. All of us. No matter how good or moral or in love we are, under the right circumstances absolutely anyone is capable of it. We're animals under all the evolution and civilisation and societal norms.

Lots of people don't. Lots of people never even consider it, but to say that they simply couldn't is naïve. Of course they could. That's why not doing it matters.

I expect you'll get the "his confidence needed a boost" "he knew he was punching" silly comments now after saying how amazing your friend is.

I have put YABU. Bluntly I dont think this is a male/female thing. I think ALL humans are able to cheat.

Some choose not to. I will acknowledge this % are likely higher on female side to male side.
Some do so and regret it later and never do so again.
Some do so end up with afair partner and never do so again.
Some do so and continue.

You are so right. The amount of posts on MN about partners going in a mood, getting angry and huffy if they can't have sex is ridiculous. I think they use it as a justification. Well the wife won't give me sex so I'm perfectly within my rights to find someone who will🙄

I don't think everyone is capable of it, though I can understand why people come to that conclusion.

I do think that there are people who would never seek out an affair who stumble into one and I expect that it a lot more common that people imagine.

You don't know me so please don't be so condescending.

I do have imagination and I DO know for absolute certain that I would never ever cheat. Some people can and do know and I am one of them.

You have no clue about my life or what situations I have or have not been in.

To be honest I find it strange and rather sad that so many people can't be sure they would never cheat. I guess some people have pretty low standards and morals.

Sounds like the “trop belle pour toi” scenario. Being with someone super bright and attractive, potentially with high standards about life, can have its own pressures. Perhaps OW is low key to be around with lower expectations. Or it could just be about sex - maybe OW does stuff your friend won’t, or the extra sex and attention gives him an ego boost.

I think with men the sexual urge is so much stronger and they can separate the emotion from the physical act . My dad always said that a man will tell a woman anything to get sex . Plus I think that men don't get judged as harshly as women when it comes to sex . Double standards even in 2023 .

The most recent divorces in my wider social circle have been a result of the wives having affairs. 🤷🏻‍♀️

It sounds as if the OW really liked Bob, more than he liked her.
So she blew his cover. He chose someone with nothing to lose. Well he had everything to lose. Curious.

All people are capable of cheating.

Most men who cheat are cheating with women who cheat

All men and women are capable of cheating.

I'm interested as to what made OW "break" and send all the evidence to his wife. If I understand it correctly, he initially managed to talk his way out of it and your friend was likely to have written it off. Gathering all the evidence and creating a link to send to her is quite a lot of effort. Was she hoping to get him to leave his wife for her?