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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

171 replies

zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 06:54

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

OP posts:
SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 07:18

Gerrataere · 12/10/2023 07:17

That’s an interesting statistic, I would’ve thought it was higher but then again how many men (or women) would admit to a fling or ONS for the sake of a statistic?

I certainly agree men have more opportunities, especially when part of a family unit. I would say that my previous post about men finding it easier to convince themselves they’re not doing something awful is more likely in these situations - blaming their wife for changing or being permanently exhausted after having children for example. There is an undeniable sense in many men that they’re owed sex.

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I think a lot of them don't blame their wife for anything. They love her and their kids and have no intention of leaving or hurting them. They can just compartmentalise and think that nobody's going to get hurt so there's no harm in it.

gotomomo · 12/10/2023 07:20

No because some people, including men have self control and respect. My exh was many things but he never cheated because it was wrong, he'd seen first hand what happened when his mum cheated

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:20

Hillrunning · 12/10/2023 07:16

Err being 'drugged' wouldn't make someone a cheater it would make them a victim of abuse. I really hope you understand that!!!

As for your question, all humans are capable of cheating. Perhaps not all the the degrees that Bob did as it takes sustained effort but everyone, even you, could cheat.

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Why would it make me a victim of abuse? I mean, I have never taken drugs, but from friends stories I understand that it reduces sexual inhibition quite dramatically to the point where you are quite a different person, and usually both parties are under influence.

OP posts:
cassiatwenty · 12/10/2023 07:23

I don't think all men are capable of cheating

RecklessBlackberries · 12/10/2023 07:23

I don't think everyone is capable of it.

I don't mean I'm morally superior, just I'm not hugely motivated by sex and I don't meet many people I find attractive so I can't see myself ever blowing up my life for it.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 12/10/2023 07:25

All people are, gender is irrelevant.

Am I right in saying that your friend doesn't know about the cheating?! I'm quite concerned that you're asking this question with, what seems to be, no care at all about how she will feel or how this will effect her life going forwards. You need to speak to the guy and tell him to confess - if he doesn't, it may be up to you to tell her. You cannot let her go on thinking he's being attentive and a great father, knowing what you know.

You sound like a terrible friend.

PrudeyTwoShoes · 12/10/2023 07:27

I think I misread, she knows now, right?!

NeedToChangeName · 12/10/2023 07:29

I think all people are capable of cheating

But the majority choose not to

I have strong views on this and can't imagine that I would ever cheat on a partner. But would be disingenuous to say I'm not capable of it

itsgettingweird · 12/10/2023 07:30

Another who thinks all people are capable of cheating.

And all for a variety of reasons.

I don't agree with cheating. I've raised a disabled child alone from a baby to adulthood due to my ex cheating.

But I think where it happens people have to be honest about what led to it happening.

I certainly don't think it's always men think they can have their cake and eat it. Both sexes can cheat because human emotion is complex.

KimberleyClark · 12/10/2023 07:30

MiddleParking · 12/10/2023 07:07

I think it takes a lot of maturity not to, when presented with the opportunity.

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Yes. I didn’t mean that bottle was a good thing in this context!

Sigmama · 12/10/2023 07:31

I would say men are a touch more invested in fulfilling their sexual needs than women and are more likely to act on impulse, after all, we worry about our daughters being pressurised for sex when they are younger not our sons from females

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 07:32

RecklessBlackberries · 12/10/2023 07:23

I don't think everyone is capable of it.

I don't mean I'm morally superior, just I'm not hugely motivated by sex and I don't meet many people I find attractive so I can't see myself ever blowing up my life for it.

This might be entirely why it could blow you out of the water if you did meet someone who did it for you, though...you wouldn't be prepared for it and there could be an element of curiosity and "wow, I never knew it could be like this, this isn't going to happen again..."

Not saying it will happen, of course. But I've seen a lot of "non sexy" (for want of a better term) people who've had affairs and everyone's thought they weren't sexed up enough for it...but that could be one reason it happened.

GodDammitCecil · 12/10/2023 07:33

Everyone is capable of cheating.

Not everyone will.

It’s as simple as that.

I’ve cheated on past boyfriends, but would never cheat on DH.

I don’t think DH would ever cheat on me, but I would never say he never would. I think it’d be fair to say that’s a one-way ticket to a rude awakening.

The people who end up the most distraught are the naive one who never saw it coming, swore blind their DH never would, etc, etc…

bonzaitree · 12/10/2023 07:33

This is going to a dark place but think about what humans are capable in wars…

If we’re capable of that, we’re defo all capable of cheating

GodDammitCecil · 12/10/2023 07:34

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 07:32

This might be entirely why it could blow you out of the water if you did meet someone who did it for you, though...you wouldn't be prepared for it and there could be an element of curiosity and "wow, I never knew it could be like this, this isn't going to happen again..."

Not saying it will happen, of course. But I've seen a lot of "non sexy" (for want of a better term) people who've had affairs and everyone's thought they weren't sexed up enough for it...but that could be one reason it happened.

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🎯

Cupcakekiller · 12/10/2023 07:34

I think women are more likely to cheat when their emotional needs aren't being met and their relationship is unhappy whereas men will cheat when everything is fine at home.

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:36

PrudeyTwoShoes · 12/10/2023 07:27

I think I misread, she knows now, right?!

She knows, she has discovered it herself (and due to a compete accident- otherwise would have been oblivious for years, possibly). I had absolutely no idea myself, she told me.

It has been going on for almost two years, and in that time they bought a house, had a parent death on each side and were each others rock, and were trying for a second child (consciously, they have to have IVF). It is just mind boggling how he was quite content to have a complete parallel life at the same time, where he went with OW on holiday and was introduced to children and family.

OP posts:
JanefromLondon1 · 12/10/2023 07:38

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn due to privacy concerns.

Totalwasteofpaper · 12/10/2023 07:44

In the right/ wrong circumstances I believe almost anyone can end up cheating male or female.

I have seen good marriages fall in the gutter.

You both have to be vigilant and constantly put work in to safeguard / protect your relationship or marriage. By that I don't mean "look nice for your man so he doesn't cheat on you" I mean "remove yourself from situations where there is the opportunity to make life alteringly bad choices by cheating on your husband" and vice versa.

Similarly (but also very differently) l think when you see teens and young adults who have become drug addicts it's very easy to judge. However with the wrong set of circumstances I believe almost anyone in society can fall foul of drug pushers.
I probably wouldn't now but only because I am old(er) and lead a fairly uneventful life. But in my wild youth it def could have been me. Differently because teens and 20 something's have less capacity/ impulse control as well as responsibility Vs a 40 year old.

RecklessBlackberries · 12/10/2023 07:44

@SurprisedWithAHorse I completely disagree. I'm sure plenty of "unsexy" people do cheat and surprise people. But that doesn't mean it's true for everyone.

I think some people just don't experience that "would do anything to shag them" level of attraction for anyone, I'm one of them. I've been very attracted to people before, obviously, but I've never been so attracted to someone that my morals or my standards for how they treat me have gone out the window.

SurprisedWithAHorse · 12/10/2023 07:45

I think everyone who says "I'm not capable of it because I love my husband so much" has fundamentally missed the point. What if you had married the wrong person and didn't love him so much? And he didn't fulfil you so well?

In other words...what if you had different circumstances? If the reason you wouldn't do it is because your husband is so wonderful, doesn't that mean you'd be at risk of it if he weren't?

Original poster
zendeveloper · 12/10/2023 07:45

Cupcakekiller · 12/10/2023 07:34

I think women are more likely to cheat when their emotional needs aren't being met and their relationship is unhappy whereas men will cheat when everything is fine at home.

I am just very inexperienced in relationships, and the only significant one has ended with my partner leaving for someone else. That's why I cannot imagine it happening for me - if I commit to being in a relationship, I will respect the commitment. Just very hard to imagine a situation which is so tempting that I ignore my own promises.

OP posts:
Coffeerum · 12/10/2023 07:45

@Dacadactyl Can I ask about your last paragraph? What makes you think that a SAHM is more likely to be cheated on please? Just curious about that.

She didn’t say sahm’s are more likely to be cheated on, she said men overall are more likely to have the opportunity compared to women who take maternity leave or a considerable proportion stay at home after kids.

FairyMaclary · 12/10/2023 07:48

No I don’t think all men are capable of cheating. I think betraying your own integrity, values and promises are due to poor characteristics - and that will be apparent if she looks back with hindsight.

I don’t cheat for me. My husband is very annoying at times. But I don’t cheat because I won’t betray my own values and integrity. If my word is meaningless then what do I have and who am I?

My self esteem is based on my integrity and I wouldn’t betray myself.

Vegetarians are vegetarian for themselves. If you offer them a freshly made bacon sandwich they say no. You could offer them a free visit to the next steak restaurant and they would say no. Do they eat ham behind closed doors when no one can see - no they don’t. Because being vegetarian is for them. it’s part of who they are. Eating meat when no one is watching would betray their own values. You cannot force someone to betray their own values and integrity.

Cheaters betray themselves first. They may have lack of boundaries, self respect, they may be selfish, require ego kibbles to fill the bottomless pit inside them, they lack self control, feel they deserve more than their spouse, they compartmentalise, are okay with lying, they blame others for their choices, poor self esteem, etc etc.

So no not all men cheat as you cannot force someone to betray their own integrity it’s a choice that some people make.

UtterlyButterly2048 · 12/10/2023 07:49

Yes, I think everyone in the right set of circumstances is capable of it but IME, men are more likely to. Not a popular opinion here on MN, but men and women are often very different when it comes to sex. How many women on OLD send unsolicited vag shots for example? I’d say none, but plenty of men send dick pics. How many brothels are there for women to pay for sex with a man? Again, none. How many female “flashers” are there? I’d wager not many. And no, those things are of course not done by ALL men, but it is ONLY men that are doing them.