Do you think all men are capable of cheating?

[zendeveloper]

The thread is inspired by my friend (no, really), who has been in the best relationship I have ever seen in my life. Until recently.
I know both very well, we are friends from university, and we used to house-share for nearly three years. Recently they stayed with me for two months, and I remember thinking at that time - look, true love does exist. So I am familiar with their dynamics reasonably well, and they occupied a special place in my worldview as a "model couple", If you know what I mean.

And now yes, he has cheated on her. Not just a spur of the moment one night stand, a full blown affair with fake business trips, lies and some friends being involved to cover up, and emotions not just sex. And my friend had absolutely zero idea - quite the opposite, she says he became more attentive and affectionate at home, and suddenly turned into the father of the year.

It does not even look like "the new hot young thing in the office" stereotype, the OW is 10+ years senior, waaaaay below my friend in attractiveness, way below my friend in education level or career success, and a single mother of two. I mean, I fit that description as well, so I am just bewildered as to how that even happened.

My question is - do you think that ALL men are capable of cheating, if circumstances allow? If last week someone told me "all men cheat", I'd immediately say - "ha, what about Bob*!", as he was a prime example of a guy where it was just impossible to imagine.

*not Bob, obviously

So they are 38/39 years old, met at uni and house shared for 3 years with the friend she has now taken her ivf conceived DD to live with. In London, where they all holidayed for 2 months recently.

He's a senior consultant and she was a high flyer with a successful career. Until she gave it up to care for her terminally ill MIL who died, shortly before her own father died. She cared for him also.

She was due to start a second round of ivf and now suddenly, has found out her husband is a liar and a cheat. With someone who has 2 kids and shares cheesy memes no less.

They've a wealth of investment properties and their own home, they've travelled and lived all over the world.

Yes, not identifiable whatsoever 😅

Not at all! I know so many people like this 😂

She’s still with him 🤔

Were you the OW?

You don’t look at the mantelpiece while you’re poking the fire @zendeveloper as my old mum would say.

Oh ok so he’s not had much sexual experiences other than this relationship.

I’d suggest: a. He’s belatedly sowing wild oats or b. He’s always been a philanderer, this time he got caught. If by consultant you mean medical - there’s quite culture of shagging nurses and paramedics by doctors and each other to be fair. Even if not - if he’s always had attention from women as you say, this may not be the first time.

Or as I said, she’s up for stuff your friend is not.

I think that anybody is capable of cheating given the right circumstances. My ex and I had a difficult relationship but I never dreamed I would cheat. All it took was a few weeks of him ignoring me, an awful lot to drink and a charming stranger. We kissed but I couldn’t say with certainty even now that it wouldn’t have gone further had the circumstances been slightly different. I told my ex the moment I saw him as was wracked with guilt.

However, it means that now I consciously protect my current relationship. I would run a mile from anything that seemed remotely iffy just in case. It’s very much a choice as a PP said. Anybody is technically capable of it but you can choose to value and protect your relationship, so that those specific sets of circumstances don’t have a chance to arise.

Yep, sadly I think all men have it in them to cheat, I always reserve that 1% of not trusting someone for that reason.

I definitely don't believe anyone who says my husband would definitely not cheat. I think they do genuinely believe they wouldn't though.

That said, there are a few people I would be extremely surprised if they did.

Just cos you can does not mean you will.

I think posters are right though. I think that whilst people are quite capable of cheating most will ensure they do not put themselves in those positions.

I know lots of people who for example who have started to realise a colleague at work has started becoming more than that and have distanced themselves from that person to ensure that is the end of it. If they had not done that who knows what it could have led to.

I don't think I am particularly pessimistic or overly worried about being cheated on, I just will never find myself thinking it could never happen.

I’ve seen a few of these over the last few years- that is like you ‘no way x would have cheated’ but they did.

Thing is though, my dh and his friends were also wtf how could he have done that? about each person, but from the conversation it was 50/50 the relationship (as in they had a perfect relationship why would he run that vs she’ll gets the kids, why would he ruin his kids’ lives) so I wasn’t necessarily bowled over by them thinking how could he ruin his happy marriage/cheat on the love of his life!

Of course everyone is capable of cheating its whether they choose to act on it or not.

I think this sums me up.

Guilty conscience would destroy me, and yes I think I would bottle even snogging a stranger on a night out.

Fortunately/Unfortunately I'm not physically attractive enough to get offers, so I've not been in a tempting position.

Affairs are so common there's plenty of different reasons for them, and the sheer number of them must mean a vast majority of people are capable in the right circumstances.

I think anyone (male or female) has the capability of cheating but no I don't think all men would act on it simply because they are men!

I actually don't know many Irl who have either and have quite a few male friends and couples all late 30s/40s

I just don’t think you can say 100% of men and women would cheat. Humans are not some homogeneous blob.

Given that he seems to be carrying on as normal (asking when her next ivf round is), rather than either a) moving in with OW, or b) begging forgiveness left, right, and centre, then frankly i reckon he's cheated many times before. He's viewing the whole scenario as normal, which surely means the cheating is normal too.

The cheating isn't out of character, it's just no one knew it before.

I think what you’re really asking is, would all men cheat if they knew they could definitely get away with it?

I think the answer to that question is no, but I reckon a pretty high percentage would.

I trust my DH and I’d be very surprised and upset if he cheated. But I’d never say never. And am I 100% sure that he wouldn’t cheat if he (a) had the opportunity and (b) knew for certain that I’d never ever find out? No, I’m not to be honest.

When i was at work there were several office affairs going on over the years, surprisingly it was men cheating with women. So I suspect that it's probably 50-50 on the men/women front. Do all do it probably not.

"surprisingly it was men cheating with women."

This is a surprise?

I think there's cheating and cheating.

I think anyone is capable of cheating as a short term thing, in the wrong circumstances.

I don't think everyone is capable of sustained deception (fake business trips etc).

It is on mumsnet. Here men cheat much more than women which makes me wonder who they think those men are having affairs with. Perhaps those few women who do cheat are having lots of fun and variety.

Am I being dumb? I don’t follow that maths.

Not everyone who cheats does so with someone else who’s partnered up and also cheating?

Yes, men are having their affairs with women. But those women aren’t necessarily also having affairs? They’re just as likely to be single.

So isn’t it entirely possible that one sex could cheat much more than the other?