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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

398 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:09

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
TheBerry · 12/10/2023 11:56

I thought you were being weirdly precious about the gender and the photos until I read about you job - if there are people who might want to come after your family, you’re definitely doing the right thing.

But even if you were just being weirdly precious, you’re entitled to be so, and nobody should be posting photos of your baby online if you’ve asked them not to. You don’t need a good reason.

BubziOwl · 12/10/2023 11:59

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 20:25

At least you know first thing that they don't respect you or your parenting. You can behave accordingly. No overnights, no cameras in DC's face, no babysitting.

FWIW my DF thinks some of the decisions I made were batshit (no artificial sugar for ages!) but respected them regardless.

I have a really similar relationship with my parents and my PILs (snap on the artificial sugar thing btw). They might think my decisions are totally weird, but I have never once felt like they would not respect them.

GoonieGang · 12/10/2023 12:05

Your baby but yes, you are sucking the euphoria out of grand parenting for your mother.

IWillBeWaxingAnOwl · 12/10/2023 12:12

I'm with you @RomaniIteDomum - there will be no photos of our little one on social media. However, luckily our parents, in laws, aunts and uncles have all been really respectful

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 12/10/2023 12:39

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

5gymbabe · 12/10/2023 12:45

If you don't want your child's picture online they have to respect that . We have all filled out consent forms

Isthisasgoodasitis · 12/10/2023 12:49

Her child’s picture is on its grandmothers page for the world to see making her a potential target to the criminal fraternity !!! She’s not being weird she been security conscious

YetMorePumpkinSpice · 12/10/2023 12:57

YANBU op. Friend is a criminal barrister and has had to defend some pretty awful people, including those charged with downloading and accessing images of child sexual abuse (cat A). Some of these were deepfakes created by or altered by AI using images of existing children stolen from social media sites. I would never have images of my kids up anywhere on social media for that reason. Who can honestly say they know and can vouch for all of their contacts? Or even their contacts?!

Also mumsnet is a bloody weird place sometimes. Whenever it’s grandparents wanting to ride roughshod over the very reasonable boundaries the parents have put in place it’s all “it takes a village”. But if parents need help and support with childcare they immediately get “grandparents have no responsibility- it’s your child, you chose to have children” etc as infinitum. The double standards are laughable.

It’s not controlling to put boundaries in place regarding grandparents and any reasonable people would be fine with this. It’s the controlling ones who object to it. The idea that because they have raised a child they are the experts is nonsense. My MIL was physically abusive to my DH - she hit him everyday for the littlest thing. He is still coming to terms with this now as an adult approaching 50. She wanted to hit our sons too - she told us that they would grow up to be juvenile delinquents (her words) otherwise. Unsurprisingly she was told to fuck off and never has our kids unsupervised now. Just because you have raised a child of your own doesn’t mean you are an expert at parenting. There are plenty of damaged adults walking around who can attest to this.

MrsDanversChickenSandwich · 12/10/2023 12:59

Isthisasgoodasitis · 12/10/2023 12:49

Her child’s picture is on its grandmothers page for the world to see making her a potential target to the criminal fraternity !!! She’s not being weird she been security conscious

if the OP is in such danger from the 'criminal fraternity' why is she posting birth announcements herself?

Rtonks · 12/10/2023 13:15

Not at all, we didn’t even put an announcement out when our dd was born and we asked families to respect that as in our eyes the people that needed to know already did, depending on what site picture is on you could request removal from service provider as private picture without permission to use

Cowlover89 · 12/10/2023 13:20

Yanbu

Johnnybegood2 · 12/10/2023 13:22

I asked my Mum not to post pictures of my children on her social media without asking me first, this is after she put up a picture, as she doesn't lock anything down properly. She wasn't happy and said I was making a happy thing into something unhappy for her and why can't she share her good news for once.

Typical me me me response tbh and not thinking about anybody else.

YANBU OP

Original poster
RomaniIteDomum · 12/10/2023 13:47

if the OP is in such danger from the 'criminal fraternity' why is she posting birth announcements herself?

I'm in the threats and bricks through the window level of danger as opposed to rape and murder but it's still bad enough on the rare occasions it happens.

The difference is I know the small number of friends in my account and I know my security settings.

She is the kind of person to friend the cleaner at the hotel where she holidays three years ago and puts many posts fully public.

OP posts:
ImADevYo · 12/10/2023 13:50

RomaniIteDomum · 12/10/2023 13:47

if the OP is in such danger from the 'criminal fraternity' why is she posting birth announcements herself?

I'm in the threats and bricks through the window level of danger as opposed to rape and murder but it's still bad enough on the rare occasions it happens.

The difference is I know the small number of friends in my account and I know my security settings.

She is the kind of person to friend the cleaner at the hotel where she holidays three years ago and puts many posts fully public.

Erm if you were really in such danger then you shouldn't be sharing any photos at all. Users are the number one causes of breaches and you should know tha working in 'cybersecurity'. People never do what you tell them.

Even if your mum sent to 'a few people' privately they could send it on and so forth.

midnightblue12 · 12/10/2023 13:56

You've clearly made your mind up OP and not open to any other opinions opposing yours... so why post in AIBU?

PatsWoggle · 12/10/2023 14:05

I don't see the difference wrt anonymity in posting a foot or a face, the baby will look completely different in a matter of days.

From what you've said your parents have always had problems with respecting your boundaries. You say forget all the background but if nothing has changed in the relationship then it's relevant as they are behaving as they always have.
You don't sound as though you trust them or even like them so why maintain the relationship.

Your responses come across as someone who is attention seeking and overly dramatic. TBH.

ImADevYo · 12/10/2023 14:07

PatsWoggle · 12/10/2023 14:05

I don't see the difference wrt anonymity in posting a foot or a face, the baby will look completely different in a matter of days.

From what you've said your parents have always had problems with respecting your boundaries. You say forget all the background but if nothing has changed in the relationship then it's relevant as they are behaving as they always have.
You don't sound as though you trust them or even like them so why maintain the relationship.

Your responses come across as someone who is attention seeking and overly dramatic. TBH.

It's not just that.
Criminals are not going to hunt OP down based on baby photos but they 'might' take interest in the fact that she actually had one. If of course it's a real threat.

In which case no announcements should be going out publicly at all. Anywhere. No mention on family FB pages.

PatsWoggle · 12/10/2023 14:22

It's not just that.
Criminals are not going to hunt OP down based on baby photos but they 'might' take interest in the fact that she actually had one. If of course it's a real threat.

In which case no announcements should be going out publicly at all. Anywhere. No mention on family FB pages.

Exactly. If there is a danger why would you risk posting anything at all on SM.

Bloom15 · 12/10/2023 14:30

Aquestioningmind · 11/10/2023 20:52

You gave birth to a baby?? I thought humans only gave birth to ostrich eggs.

The photo is out there now, so not much to be done. I get you’re upset but ultimately I think you’re over reacting. You’re gonna have a rough 18 years ahead of you if you get twitchy about every little thing.

Agree

Sounds like a lot of drama; OP's baby will look completely different in a couple of weeks

theleafandnotthetree · 12/10/2023 15:44

Am 🙄 at the whole announcing of things - pregnancies, sex, birth. Who really outside of people who you are almost certainly on WhatsApp with gives a crap. Behold! Another baby just like the millions of others born every year.

OhYeahOhYeah · 12/10/2023 16:40

carddino · 11/10/2023 20:36

What do you mean they told us DS was a girl?
who?
enjoy your baby. You won’t get these days back.

I took it to assume that the scan was misread and they were told it was a DS and turned out to be a DD

W1CK887 · 12/10/2023 17:25

I think they should respect your wishes regardless of your job. My in laws decided to go on holiday the week my baby (their first grandchild) was due. I don't put pictures on Facebook. My husband emailed them a couple of pictures while they were away and mil put them on Facebook to tell everyone how beautiful her grandchild was. She'd never seen them in the flesh and wasn't bothered about being in the same country when they were born. I was absolutely fuming.

DisquietintheRanks · 12/10/2023 17:36

Seriously @W1CK887? You were "fuming" because your in laws dared to go on holiday when you gave birth? Were you planning in MiL being your birthing partner or just looking forward to refusing to let them visit as you needed to bubble?

Zebedee55 · 12/10/2023 17:38

What a drama...🙄

W1CK887 · 12/10/2023 17:47

No I was fuming that they didn't care about being around when their first grandchild was born but then wanted to boast about it on Facebook like they were such a doting grandparent. How can you show off on Facebook saying look at my grandchild when you've never set eyes on them yourself. The two combined had me fuming.