AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

1. You might have been better supplying your mother with a picture showing her clearly cuddling an anonymous bundle in a blanket. A foot picture sounds a bit arty
2. Your mother may have been embarrassed at her lack of technical skills and have difficulty deleting or adding pictures to posts
3. It's your baby and you can definitely ask that identifying pictures are not posted online although it's likely your parents do not understand your concerns
4. It takes a village to raise a child

Seriously OP you sound exhausting.

And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

Well, she’d better enjoy her photograph as anyone with that level of entitlement over a baby that’s not theirs is unlikely to be invited to see it again.

I am baffled that people think OP's mum posted the picture in error/ doesn't have the technical skills to change it. She clearly posted a different picture because she thinks she knows better than OP. OP has very specific reasons for limiting social media - clearly outlined in her first post. Most of us are not in the same risk category as a person working in cyber security who may be targeted by organised crime groups because of the nature of their job. You don't need to work in this area to understand this, just a quick browse of news sites will make it clear why this could be problematic. Regardless of that, OP made a clear boundary and because they did not like it, her parents ignored it. That's not ok. Even if you think the boundary is silly, you still follow it. The only time not to is if a request is actively dangerous to the child. Not posting pictures on social media is not in that category. What did grandparents do before social media if they wanted to show off pictures of their grandchildren?

Do you know what my uncle who does not have a smart phone/ internet does to show friends pictures of his great neices and nephews? He shows them printed photos sent by his neices and nephews. In the same way people did before smartphones, before social media, before the internet.

YANBU OP they’re out of order. We don’t allow pictures of our DC on SM and had to ask MIL to take one down, luckily she listened.
I have no SM and my husband hardly uses his. We don’t announce anything on it, for all people know we aren’t even married let alone have DC together.
I find the obsession of publicising everything online really bizarre and sad.
Your baby, your rules!
It sounds like it would be best if you could limit your contact with them. Don’t let them ruin these precious early days with your baby.

I dont undwestand how avpicture of a newborn is putting them at risk any more than a pic or their foot would.i mean a nursery child i can understand.

Too much drama. Chill

Yanbu. Grandparents being kind of entitled.

totally agree with this. When I look at my cousins and their parents style of parenting, those with controlling parents (parents who dictate what grandparents can do with their grandchildren when, what they can feed grandchildren etc) have a very distant relationship with their grandparents whereas those with laid back parents have a very loving and close relationship that they cherish.

do what you like OP, but what you are doing risks alienating your child from their grandparents which is sad.

It doesn’t matter whether people think putting a photo of a baby up is a risk or not, that’s completely irrelevant.
The mother asked for no photos to be posted, other than the one she shared, and the grandmother went against her wishes.

I’m with you. I don’t post any photos of any kind of my children on social media, ever. I don’t mention their names. In fact, I don’t post anything at all any more. My account on FB is on very tight privacy settings, and I have no specific safety concerns, but I still don’t do it. I’m having similar issues with my mother posting photos despite me asking her not to. I think she’s finally understood and stopped now though.

And no, it doesn’t always take a village; no, not everyone needs family to baby sit. Two children later, we are doing just fine without, thank you. Not everyone is the same and not everyone wants and needs the same things.

And, shock horror, I also have rules about what kind of food can be given to my children. Gosh, that must make me Attila the Hun.

Some grandparents need controlling (or try to control the parents or children). If I hadn't set limits in place that seriously affected the relationship my children had with their grandparents, my children would have the right to resent me for allowing the situation that would have existed. It would be nice if we all had the kind of grandparents for our children we could have a relaxed relationship with, but sometimes it's not possible (unless you're happy for some of your children to be damaged in the process).

Yabu . Absolute joy sucker with so much control

You don’t ’buy into gender roles’ but you had to make clear you were one of the ‘few women’ in your industry. Tbh your job is completely irrelevant as to whether or not you’re in the wrong or right.

So, if you don’t buy into gender roles why does it matter if you’re one of the few women in your industry?

I haven't RTFT but I have read your updates OP.

You are completely within your rights to request that only certain photos of your baby are posted on social media and its bonkers that anyone is saying you're being controlling.

We didn't want many photos of our children on SM as babies and didn't post many ourselves. We asked family to respect this also. As parents this is a completely valid boundary.

There are so many people who I barely have anything to do with but I could pick their kids out of a line up, tell you what school they go to, what after school activities they go to, and I find that really concerning.

We did have one family member who shared photos whenever we sent them and we had to have conversations to say those were private photos for her to see, not to put on Facebook for people we have nothing to do with to see. It seems to be a bit of a boomer thing that everything gets plastered on social media, at least in our families. If your parents want to share photos of your baby to friends or family then they could do this privately without putting them on SM.

Hear, hear! I am not a grandparent and to utterly frank, have no desire to be as it seems to be so fraught today in a way it never used to be.
I too am astonished at couples who have been parents for such a short time who regard themselves as experts and their parents - the people who raised them - to know nothing.
I also think a pp nailed the changing roles - clearly in some cases the new parents are on a massive power kick and are enjoying the leverage the new grandchild gives them in the family dynamics.
I am finding this a thoroughly unpleasant thread and I hope it is not representative of the way parenting is practised generally, because if it is, there are going to be some very isolated families.
If I was the OP's mum, I would not be getting involved with much to do with the baby tbh. As it's pretty obvious that everything I did would be wrong and my daughter would make it crystal clear I knew nothing about looking after babies.
I don't need drama and hysteria in my life to be a good parent.

I don’t think the photo request was unreasonable and think OP is entitled to make that call but on the more general topic of overbearing parents and GPS, I think most GPs take their new parent children with a pinch of salt knowing they’ll probably grow out of being a bit ridiculous.

When I first had DS I read all these things about not to let him sleep on me or anywhere else but his cot - I think my mum humoured me but when I wasn’t around I’m pretty sure she did what she wanted.

With the new baby on the way I doubt I’ll be so concerned whether he falls asleep feeding or spits out his first purée - new mums are just understandably a bit mental 😂

All new babies look the same. No one outside the family is going to be able to pick yours out of a lineup, no matter how nefarious their intentions. The photo is out there now, you can't unring that bell - just don't share any more if you're uncomfortable.

I am shocked at so many of these responses saying there’s a power trip going on here or a desperate need to be controlling that will isolate people from their families.
IMO it’s just down to respect, families that have the closest and loving relationships have respect for each other. You won’t always agree and certainly I’m sure my own parents and in laws disagree with some of our parenting. We take their opinions into consideration because we respect their input and they respect that it’s ultimately our choice as parents.
We don’t profess to be experts by making our own decisions when it comes to our children but we are entitled to put certain boundaries in place and have our families respect them.
Surely it’s that simple, regardless of the issue?!

What stood out for me was how the GP ignored what the OP said, without discussion, and were quite rude. I agree that sometimes we can be PFB about our dc - it doesn't sound like that was what was happening here, and it is very early days and I think normal GPs would have gone along with the request and handled it differently. What happened isn't the way you should treat your adult child I don't think, ie respecting their point of view, and if you disagree with them, talking about it in a respectful way. Not effectively saying "you are ridiculous, I am going to ignore you". This might be the thin edge of the wedge - what might cause problems in the relationship in the long term is the lack of respect from the GP, not the issue over one single baby photo.

Sex and gender are different.

I exist in my field DESPITE my sex.

I also only mentioned it in context of being vague about my role because they're are so damn few of us that it's outing - it's relevant and real.

Gender roles is having my childhood activities restricted to ones deemed "ladylike" due to my sex.

This is absolutely your choice. Could you ask them to watch this video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SofNlskgZak

I get not wanting to post pictures of your baby online, that is entirely your choice. However, a foot picture?? Are you a celebrity or something? How pretentious. Get a grip

What's done is done and they clearly won't back down. I don't agree with them and their attitude - your child, your rules. But they wouldn't be getting any more photos if it were me........

As others said previously, maybe report the photo to FB/whichever SM platform.