AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

[RomaniIteDomum]

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

YANBU at all. In my experience, people who think you are overreacting are generally embarrassed. Because we all know about the dangers of the internet. Some parents just don't like to admit that attention on social media is more important to them than their DCs online security. It's pathetic.

I would be telling them they have a choice, your baby, your rules, no social media she takes the picture down and posts no more ever, or she won’t see the baby

No, it's an over-reaction because the baby is as unidentifiable as any other newborn baby. As has been pointed out, it won't even look like itself in a month.

I agree with you, OP. I can’t believe it when people put their dc’s pictures all over sm.

Do you genuinely think if they allow the photo to stay up that this will be the only photo? The DCs life would be documented on SM as many do and GP's excuse would be but you let me do it before..

YABU to think that your baby is in any way going to be identifiable even a week from now from that photo.

Newborns look like the most beautiful, unique babies in the world ever to their parents and like potatoes to the rest of us. I don't think I could have picked my DB's kids out of a line-up when they were less than a day old .

I get that your parents were dicks about your request but fgs don't blow it up out of all proportion.

People here are nuts.

If my MIL or mother didn't respect what I had explicitly said then I would be threatening NC and if they did it again they would be gone.

I have strict boundaries around how they treat my cats for goodness sake.

You are the parent. You have a right not to share the sex of anything.
I feel like the entitlement of grandparents is utterly absurd and I wouldn't stand for it.
Either respect my rules or get off the train and be left behind.

People who don't respect boundaries have no place in my life.

I am so sorry that this amazing time for you has been clouded by such utter disgusting selfishness.

The vipers here love to diminish strong women who have boundaries, the internalised misogyny is just sad.

Well your first line is right.

You'd go NC with a grandparent who posted a photo of their newborn grandchild?

Your post reeks of narcissism, not strength and healthy boundaries.

There is often an uncomfortable stage when you first become a parent and roles change. You are the person in charge now. You make the decisions for your family. That was previously your parents' roles. Now they are your supporters. But you call the shots. Some people find this transition easier than others.

I am sure in your job you hear some hair-raising stuff and I understand why you feel the way you do. You can see a lot of people responding to this thread don't get it either. Maybe you need to share some of the stories with your parents so they understand why you feel the way you do.

If the grandparent went expressly against my stated wishes that I CLEARLY laid out. Then yes.

OP told them to only post the foot photo and her mum went against her wishes supposedly accidentally and even when asked she REFUSED to take down the photo.

She actually refused.

How is this not a gross violation of OPs privacy and wishes and massive disrespect?

Okay, accidents happen. But when asked to take it down she should have apologised and done so immediately.

I just don't get this war over photos.

One of my old colleagues posted her baby's full name and date, time & place of birth on instagram and yet she has placed a smiley face emoji over the babys face in every photo.

Which is more of a data security risk?

She is happy for the world to know the babies personal details but not post a picture of its generic face at that age.

It's so precious.

Recently I could no tell the difference between my niece's newborn pictures and my late in life miracle pfb only child lol

No 'specialist' I know about would go on to make a MN post about an issue they supposedly wish to minimise risk around.

See, I actually think grandparents are entitled to things. My parents deserve to love and enjoy their grandchildren and not be dictated to about how to do that.
I bet the OP and people who think like you are happy to accept the free childcare and generosity of grandparents though. But then, judging my MN even the generosity is only welcomed if parents have pre authorised said purchase 😒
I think grandparents get a raw deal with some ungrateful, controlling parents these days, judging from MN at least!

The grandparents are allowed to love the GC in this case.
The only thing they can't do is posting images online. If they are unable to enjoy and love the baby without sharing it on the social media, they need therapy.

Hmm it's not just that though is it? It's the finding out the sex and not telling the GPs because
'Because we didn't. Because my parents buy into gender roles and we don't. I didn't want her to be subjected to their sexism before she was even here"
You can just tell this OP is going to be one of those controlling parents that are going to be constantly critical of the GPs. She'll* *be doing an AIBU next year because grandma went and bought DC a doll and she didn't authorise such a gendered toy. I really can't be doing with all these FTMs who think they are the only person who knows how to raise a child and think that their own parents are utter shite.

The OP has been a mother for less than a week. She's still finding her way.

If you find her (or anyone else's actions) precious, fine, but the right thing to do is just roll your eyes and indulge her.

Not trample all over her wishes and refuse to back down even when asked to.

I agree with the pictures but it sounds like there's more to it. The fact you told them you knew the sex but refused to tell them is a bit pathetic. Some people get really odd when they have a baby. I enjoy sharing those special things with our family because my children are not only my children, but they are grandchildren and nieces as well and those relationships are really important to us as a family.

The OP has been a mother for less than a week.

I've been a mother for years.

I've been having boundaries violated for as long as I've been entitled to them.

Forget all the background.

The essence is I put a coupon place. One that was a compromise for me.

She deliberately violated that and tried to pretend it was a mistake.

She refused to change it and tried to turn it back on me.
She implied I wasn't even entitled to said boundary

"coupon" ?

Sooo much hard work and drama over nothing. Your baby looks like every other baby ( of your ethnicity). If you were really worried you wouldn't have told all these dangerous criminals that you had had a baby at all by putting it on social media even if it was a foot photo ( blergh - a foot photo).

"End of." 😂😂

Are you Grant Mitchell?

And it wasn't end of was it? There's been over 250 posts since you tried to put your foot down 😂🤣

Oh, btw @oldestmumaintheworld I totally agree with you.

I agree with you OP. Seems most of the world is desensitised on social media and it’s dangers - people’s personal levels of privacy are ignored for the most likes.

I had a similar situation with my first DS and since we have/ will never post about our children online, we told no family to post pictures on FB…my brother then proceeded to post on Instagram (which I don’t have, I found out about the post from a friend) then played dumb saying ‘you said no FB’. Words were exchanged, ending with him shouting ‘he’s my nephew too’. Absolutely laughable when you’re going against a parent’s wishes!

I compare it to feeding someone’s vegetarian child meat, you just wouldn’t do it and disrespect someone’s parenting choices! I’d nip this in the bud as soon as possible, firstly you need to discuss this with your DP and explain it’s not about sucking the joy out of it, it’s setting your boundaries and them ignoring it.

@elliew818 DH is on board.

He has no SM, I have a limited one as my job is more wide ranging and it has its uses within that. The decision was made together on why to request.

Both of my parents are Warts and All SM types. The foot pic wasn't being pretentious - it was knowing that they'd want to post a pic so we wanted the most anonymous one we could think of and leading by example on my one SM account.

They are perfectly free to show their friends less anonymous pics privately.

This is about the violation of a boundary and doubling down when called out.