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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU for “sucking the euphoria out of being a grandparent”

398 replies

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 20:09

by expecting boundaries to be respected?

I gave birth to a baby earlier this week.

Due to some medical issues I asked family not to post on social media until after we had announced ourselves.

We announce using a photo of baby’s foot as we don’t put pictures up outwith albums with seriously restricted access - just family and very close friends.

We texted family to give them the go ahead but asked that they only use the same anonymous photo. This message was in no way ambiguous - the go-ahead, photo and request not to use any others we had sent were all in one message.

"D"M posted a picture showing baby’s face, not the one we had specified.

She then texted “oops posted the wrong picture”.

I asked her to change it - she refused saying it would look strange and she wanted her friends to see more than a foot (note I did not say it couldn’t be sent privately, just not posted publicly online)

Further comments included “is there something wrong with her?” And “it’s up now and it’s staying up - this is MY grandchild”.

DF sided with her stating we were “controlling” and “you want to suppress the joy of grandparents”.

He had already accused me of “pissing people off” by refusing to reveal her sex prior to birth.

DH and I both work in fields that involve elements of cyber security - me with some really nasty criminals who would wish me and my family harm - so it’s an issue for us and the problem is not just the picture but the ignoring of boundaries.

AIBU?

OP posts:
DisquietintheRanks · 12/10/2023 18:03

W1CK887 · 12/10/2023 17:47

No I was fuming that they didn't care about being around when their first grandchild was born but then wanted to boast about it on Facebook like they were such a doting grandparent. How can you show off on Facebook saying look at my grandchild when you've never set eyes on them yourself. The two combined had me fuming.

I'm sorry but that's just utterly, utterly bonkers. Your child is not a duckling that needs to imprint on it's nearest and dearest in the first hours after hatching.

My parents are immigrants and my gran didn't meet me til I was 2, she still told all her friends about me and showed them photographs. By all accounts she was pretty proud too.

Your inlaws went on holiday, they didn't emigrate. Maybe they had no idea that you couldn't love or be happy about a grandchild until they'd been in the Hallowed Presence.

The idea that they were supposed to put their lives on hold so they could be there in the first few days is just breathtakingly entitled - and very short sighted. It's a relationship for the long term.

Mumkins42 · 12/10/2023 18:24

No one cares at all about your baby pictures. Or anyone's kids pictures. This is the truth. We all just play a game of liking when we don't really give a crap.

It's just an excercise in self indulgent nonsense. Why don't you just share with your family via messages and keep it all off social media?

Pottedpalm · 12/10/2023 18:29

W1CK887 · 12/10/2023 17:47

No I was fuming that they didn't care about being around when their first grandchild was born but then wanted to boast about it on Facebook like they were such a doting grandparent. How can you show off on Facebook saying look at my grandchild when you've never set eyes on them yourself. The two combined had me fuming.

Fuming? Over this? Get a grip!

Runnerinthenight · 12/10/2023 18:29

RomaniIteDomum · 12/10/2023 02:22

The OP has been a mother for less than a week.

I've been a mother for years.

I've been having boundaries violated for as long as I've been entitled to them.

Forget all the background.

The essence is I put a coupon place. One that was a compromise for me.

She deliberately violated that and tried to pretend it was a mistake.

She refused to change it and tried to turn it back on me.
She implied I wasn't even entitled to said boundary

Maybe the problem is too many boundaries... you sound like hard work tbh.

Fionaville · 12/10/2023 18:34

RomaniIteDomum · 12/10/2023 11:12

Sex and gender are different.

I exist in my field DESPITE my sex.

I also only mentioned it in context of being vague about my role because they're are so damn few of us that it's outing - it's relevant and real.

Gender roles is having my childhood activities restricted to ones deemed "ladylike" due to my sex.

Show quote history

You sound like such hard work OP, I'm surprised they can be bothered with you at all.
You didn't tell them the sex when you were pregnant. What 'gender roles' could they have put on a fetus and how would that have impacted it?
You are making this much harder work than it needs to be and you are indeed 'sucking the euphoria out of being a GP' But I think you already know that and are happy about it. Despite posting on AIBU, you are adamant that you are right. So why post?

spidermonkeys · 12/10/2023 18:37

SausageAndEggSandwich · 11/10/2023 20:14

Well that would be the last photo I send them.

Not even joking.

Same! MIL doesn't get sent any photos or takes any for very similar reasons.

Nicola101177 · 12/10/2023 19:11

Erm no it’s not ‘twattish’ in the slightest

sarah419 · 12/10/2023 19:35

Of course the baby is yours, but the baby is also someone’s grandchild and niece or nephew. It’s upsetting that your wishes weren’t respected but i would move past this now and let it go.

GnomeDePlume · 12/10/2023 19:44

I get this. @RomaniIteDomum do your parents really respect your occupation? Or do they tend to downplay it?

It isnt simply the photo of the baby. Backgrounds can be very identifiable if someone is looking hard.

Later on school uniforms can be identifiable.

My DCs' primary school was very strict about not allowing parents to take photos. If they had an official photographer in, the staff were brilliant at gently moving children who couldnt be photographed away from camera shot.

Lots of children can't have their photo in the public domain: adopted children, children in custody disputes, looked after children, children of parents in high risk occupations.

Irrespective of this, whatever the parents choose is what GPs should respect.

Jack80 · 12/10/2023 19:59

Maybe you shouldn’t let family or friends take photos of your children and they won’t have photos to share or only send them photos you want sharing.

girlfriend44 · 12/10/2023 20:25

That's horrible not respecting your wishes.

Loubelle70 · 12/10/2023 21:03

YetMorePumpkinSpice · 12/10/2023 12:57

YANBU op. Friend is a criminal barrister and has had to defend some pretty awful people, including those charged with downloading and accessing images of child sexual abuse (cat A). Some of these were deepfakes created by or altered by AI using images of existing children stolen from social media sites. I would never have images of my kids up anywhere on social media for that reason. Who can honestly say they know and can vouch for all of their contacts? Or even their contacts?!

Also mumsnet is a bloody weird place sometimes. Whenever it’s grandparents wanting to ride roughshod over the very reasonable boundaries the parents have put in place it’s all “it takes a village”. But if parents need help and support with childcare they immediately get “grandparents have no responsibility- it’s your child, you chose to have children” etc as infinitum. The double standards are laughable.

It’s not controlling to put boundaries in place regarding grandparents and any reasonable people would be fine with this. It’s the controlling ones who object to it. The idea that because they have raised a child they are the experts is nonsense. My MIL was physically abusive to my DH - she hit him everyday for the littlest thing. He is still coming to terms with this now as an adult approaching 50. She wanted to hit our sons too - she told us that they would grow up to be juvenile delinquents (her words) otherwise. Unsurprisingly she was told to fuck off and never has our kids unsupervised now. Just because you have raised a child of your own doesn’t mean you are an expert at parenting. There are plenty of damaged adults walking around who can attest to this.

This

Lostinbrum · 12/10/2023 21:52

If your job is that dangerous then why are you on social media at all? And all babies look the same anyway what difference does it make if its a foot or a face or a finger etc

SauronsArsehole · 12/10/2023 22:14

RomaniIteDomum · 11/10/2023 21:14

How is your personal fb with your name on it a tool for work?

it's complicated and very outing but I work adjacent to quite a few spheres. I only mentioned CS as it's relevant to this post.

What I do have is locked down, uses an alternative spelling of my name and is more of a search tool than a display case.

(And no I'm not a self professed paedophile hunter or similar)

I am with you OP.

Some employers are an incredibly suspicious if someone doesn’t have a Facebook account.

I have spent years explaining to various people why that belief is wrong and why people have to hide themselves.

the most obvious is mums running away from abusive partners.

followed by late adopted kids (5+) because you don’t want birth families meddling.

estranged family (this is me. I use a generic overused surname on my profile think smith or Jones)

The job you do doesn’t have to be with nefarious people.

i work with kids who will think nothing of looking you up for embarrassing pictures.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 12/10/2023 22:32

I understand their excitement, but agree the pic shouldn't have been posted. A new baby changes rapidly, he won't look the same this time next week so won't be easily identifyable. Your mum needs it drilling into her no more posting, just sharing privately.

Skodacool · 13/10/2023 07:37

‘MY grandchild’ says it all. You need to put a stop to this now and get very firm with your parents.

Anna79ishere · 13/10/2023 08:18

At work for people like you we have created an official email saying not to post on-line, your pic or the ones of close family, not to have a recognisable name on fb and similar, explaining why and the risks. People have fw the email into their family. Unfortunately ppl are really ignorant about risks of exposure on-line. Can you ask your employer something like that, fe into your whole family?
so it is factual and you take out the emotions of it.

saraclara · 13/10/2023 08:33

Skodacool · 13/10/2023 07:37

‘MY grandchild’ says it all. You need to put a stop to this now and get very firm with your parents.

Whose grandchild is it other than hers and it's father's parents'?

I say "my granddaughter" all the time. And she says "my grandma". I presume you expect your children's grandparents to refer to "my daughter's/DIL's.child"?

C8H10N4O2 · 13/10/2023 08:36

Anna79ishere · 13/10/2023 08:18

At work for people like you we have created an official email saying not to post on-line, your pic or the ones of close family, not to have a recognisable name on fb and similar, explaining why and the risks. People have fw the email into their family. Unfortunately ppl are really ignorant about risks of exposure on-line. Can you ask your employer something like that, fe into your whole family?
so it is factual and you take out the emotions of it.

I'm surprised in this day and age just how ignorant posters seem to be about the risks and issues both for parent and child.

All the "its only a baby, they all look the same, they all change" is rubbish. Did none of you manage to recognise your own babies, those of your family etc? Did you not notice at their birth just how your grandbabies resembled their parents at that age?

Considering the amount of reverse image searching used on here and how quick and easy it is - yes a baby's face is identifiable and no they don't change enough. Its not difficult to "age" a face from a photograph - again something I've seen done on here even with the very basic online tools available.

And even if none of this were true - sorry only the parents get to decide privacy issues on behalf of their child. We made decisions as best we could for our children just like they have to for theirs in current time. No public photographs would be a hard line for me too.

Where do grandparents who think this is ok draw the line? Should grandparents be entitled to feed the child food you want or need to avoid? How about activities as they get older? Should grandparents make that decision too to override parents' wishes to avoid an activity?

In pretty much every normal family this request would be taken seriously and it wouldn't be an issue. Might be a bit of "that's weird" or "not how we did it" but it would be respected because ultimately its the parents who carry responsibility for those decisions.

MachineBee · 13/10/2023 08:43

That video is very sobering and should be shared widely! Thank you for posting here.

IAmAnIdiot123 · 13/10/2023 08:44

I think you're blurring the lines with photos tbh, either allow pictures or don't. I don't allow any pictures of my children on social media, foot or otherwise.

Personally I haven't put on fb that I have children, and if I worked in cyber security with people who would wish me harm, I wouldn't have a single shred of evidence that I even had a family on social media.

MachineBee · 13/10/2023 08:45

Osakagirl · 12/10/2023 11:28

This is absolutely your choice. Could you ask them to watch this video: https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=SofNlskgZak

Meant to quote this post

Ineke · 13/10/2023 09:42

Agree, keep photos for family. They can show their friends, just not on SM.

Brutalass · 13/10/2023 12:39

I am in absolute and total agreement with you with regards the photograph - she has no right to post it and if she flatly refuses to, I would without hesitation contact Facebook to get it taken down. This is not an over-reaction, in your job especially. I know first-hand of an instance where a local child was abducted by someone through Facebook and I absolutely would NOT be taking any chances.

I do agree with the previous comments with regards the sex though - I just wouldn't have said anything!

Grandparents are wonderful until they think they start to 'over-rule' the parent and boundaries are crossed and then relationships are irreparably broken down. Tread carefully. Lots of deep breaths and try to speak reasonably and calmly to make your MIL understand. This said take a firm stance. You are the parent here.

Good luck

Brutalass · 13/10/2023 12:40

Meant to say 'they think they know best!'