Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

352 replies

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

OP posts:
LastNightIDreamtIWasAtManderleyAgain · 11/10/2023 20:23

Voted YABU because you are wasting time with this user and loser.

Maray1967 · 11/10/2023 20:55

fortheloveofflowers · 11/10/2023 13:05

Are you really so desperate and blind that you can’t see he’s using you? He wants a woman to do the babysitting.

He’s previously had an affair and I suspect he has you hanging on to his every word as an ego boost and until he finds someone he does love.

get some self respect and dump him.

Exactly this. He is using you - get rid of him.

Mumof3confused · 12/10/2023 13:59

He’s using you.

Tinkerbyebye · 12/10/2023 14:20

its quite quick in the relationship, but he is obvs happy to use you to help him out

Start saying no to weekends stays, say you are doing stuff with your kids, back away a bit, then you will see if he is just using you or not

billy1966 · 12/10/2023 14:54

"There's no man as desperate to find a woman, any woman, as one who wants to offload his childcare responsibilities."

Sound familiar OP?

Autumnterm · 12/10/2023 18:00

there’s a book called The Rules from the 1990s …. have a read of that.

anon666 · 12/10/2023 18:08

Maybe he's just being honest. 😬 it might not be what you want to hear but it sounds sincere.

Palacelife · 12/10/2023 18:19

yeah Lucky you if you get there 🙄
very arrogant of him!

Hare95 · 12/10/2023 18:24

I'm sorry but some of these posts are so harsh!! It might take one person a small amount of time to fall in love, it might take someone else ages. It depends on personality, past experience, current circumstances, and probably much more! If he treats you well and makes you happy then give him time. Ask for reassurance in the meantime. If he's happy to give it then more brownie points for him! I've posted a few times on here and I'm sorry to say but some people are downright rude and VERY critical. Sometimes someone just wants a bit of a nudge, some help, some reassurance. But can be met with some quite harsh responses which in my own experience have been very upsetting! Take what people say with a pinch of salt - don't forget they most likely are responding in a defensive or critical manner due to their own personal issues. I wish you all the best and if he is kind, supportive and makes you feel good and happy then keep going, build your relationship and give each other time x

toxic44 · 12/10/2023 18:33

Run. He's a user.

14blackcrows · 12/10/2023 18:39

I did not tell my husband i loved him until about a year in to the relationship. We've been married ten years now and id die for this man hes my soul mate.
Some people just take a declaration of love very seriously and they won't casually trot it out after 4 months. Thats not really a long time in the grand scheme of things.
I mean its not wrong to be happy to say it after 4 months either.. just be aware people have different ideas about these things and just because he can't say it at 4 months doesnt mean he won't say it later. He's just moving slower than you. And thats not a cause for concern at this stage.
If he still can't say it after a year I'd think he was never going to. But I woukd say that 4 months is early days for a lot of people. Many people would find it difficult to say that early.. even if you've been spending loads of time together

Sennelier1 · 12/10/2023 18:40

I think this man is using you. Probably he finds the days with his children are easier when you are in the house, a motherly person. That's why he's hanging on to you. That's not a commitment, that's not a relation.

BlueSky2023 · 12/10/2023 18:45

i wouldn’t be doing anymore babysitting either, why can’t his ex wife look after their kids , childcare is their problem not yours, you have your own responsibilities

Stop making yourself available to him when ever it suits him , play it cool for a while.

I would be cooling off for a while until he proves himself a bit more.

Do you love him?

I would find it hard to trust a man who cheated on his wife

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 12/10/2023 18:46

Only you know from his behaviour if he could be a loving supportive partner. Maybe. It might be that he was trying to be a bit jokey... not quite sure how to answer, makes a joke, but its made you feel awful because if it was a joke it was a clumsy one.

When I read it, I thought that saying "I'm not there yet" its the same as saying "Keep up the good work and we might get there in the end if you are a good girl" a bit on the patronising side. And also keeps you dangling.. will he / won't he...
I thought that your question was trying to communicate to him that you were trying to ascertain if the relationship had legs and was able to grow or whether he had decided this was as far as it does. There must have been something to prompt you to say that and I feel if he was in tune, he would have picked up on it... or opened up the discussion. However, only you really know if this was a crunch time comment or a bit of light hearted, not really thought about it. Maybe asking him this will give him food for thought or put him on notice that you have expectations and he needs to work out if he does too.

His comment that I miss you, can you look after my daughter on Sunday - does leave him open to accusations of saying he misses you to get you to his place and help out with childcare.

I think it would help you work out which way the winds blowing if you step back a bit from the weekend Children related meetings and see how things look then.

billy1966 · 12/10/2023 18:50

Whether he is on the page as her emotionally is neither here not there.

The issue is him using her for childcare 5 minutes after meeting her and her being silly enough not to realise she is being used.

MissingMoominMamma · 12/10/2023 18:57

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Ugh. Get rid. You deserve better.

swimmingintheocean56 · 12/10/2023 18:57

He's using you and you know that he is. You sound quite needy and over-smitten to be honest.

Sudoku88 · 12/10/2023 19:00

I’ve Just read your post to my husband to get a male perspective and his reply is to ‘get rid’. This guy doesn’t love you, he’s just using you.

essentially when you meet someone you know whether you have strong feelings for them or not- it’s a gut feeling you can’t ‘get there’. These are the words of my husband.

Redwinestillfine · 12/10/2023 19:03

Make plans for you this weekend and start to back off. It may make him realise how he feels. Tell him now though so he can sort childcare.

Whalewatchers · 12/10/2023 19:05

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

why would you want to be with someone who doesn't really show a interest in you and your children? Sounds like he's in love with himself, always talking about himself, what a bore.

HorsesAreRunningOn3LegsTonight · 12/10/2023 19:06

After only a few months I would be embarrassed to ask a BF if they loved me.
If he loves you he’ll tell you in time.
if it was over a year or so , I would expect him to say it , if he did.
It’s up to you if you feel you can stay with him.

Boysgrownbutstillathome · 12/10/2023 19:14

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Sounds like a narcissist to me, escape while you can!

Nanny0gg · 12/10/2023 19:18

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 03:09

i say stuff like shall we do our own thing at the weekend and he’s like no I’d love to spend it with you - can’t wait to see you - kids love you - I’d be devastated if you ended things - I’ve missed you loads - can I have his daughter again on Sunday! I understand why people say they got the ick but imagine someone asks all of this from you and you want to know where you stand! I wouldn’t involve my kids to that degree if I didn’t love someone. Why be in a relationship if you don’t love the person - that’s dating right?

And if you'd done more 'dating' you might have seen him for what he is

Ellie56 · 12/10/2023 19:45

He doesn't love you. He just loves the free babysitting you do. That's the only reason he introduced you to his kids in the first place.

The more you post, the more he sounds like a useless selfish, self centred waste of space.

Just dump him OP. You can do better than him. A lot better.

HowAmYa · 12/10/2023 20:22

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

Read this and read read this over and over.

Dump the man that makes you look after his kids and clearly doesn't give a fuck about yours.

Swipe left for the next trending thread