Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

[Marnie1818]

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

Eh? WTF are you going on about?

You’ve actually answered your own question here and got to your bullseye - he’s cherrypicking which parts to enmesh with you, and comes across as Co-dependent, but withholds genuine interest in your family, your life, how you like to spend your time. ‘Getting there’?? How tantalising (not.) Hold firm on saying no to free babysitting his 3yo this Sunday!

He is using you for free childcare

I haven't RTWT, just the first few pages and all the OP's posts, so apologies if I'm repeating.

This particular man aside, you have big issues to address around relationships and boundaries, especially when you are bringing your children into it. There are so many red flags here and so much inappropriate behaviour (mostly him, but also you) that simply ending this relationship isn't enough. You are doomed to repeat these mistakes for yourself and your children unless you do some work to understand how you've found yourself here and why there is so much wrong with this situation.

You are in a casual dating scenario, that's all. But you have allowed this man to bypass normal casual dating boundaries in very specific areas. Specific areas that make the practicalities of life and fatherhood easier for him or fulfill a need/desire for him. Namely, childcare and sex. He's using you. This has given you a false sense of the relationship having progressed beyond "casual" and into something more, which in turn has led to you involving your kids very quickly in something that they shouldn't be. This man is a date who uses you for childcare. He's not a partner. You don't have a committed relationship, based on mutual respect with clearly established boundaries and shared goals. It's fine to date, to have fun, to have amazing sex, all of that stuff BUT this is your personal life and doesn't involve your children. They don't need to know. To be introducing a man to your kids, you need to have established that it's a healthy relationship with a future. And likewise, he would be doing the same if he were a half decent father. But he's not. He's palming his daughter off on a casual sexual partner for free childcare. That alone - the fact that he has such poor boundaries for his child - should make you run for the hills. I can't think of anything that gives me "the ick" faster than a man who's a rubbish dad.

He's just keeping you sweet to babysit for him. It's so obvious. You're better than that, how can meet someone better if you're stuck with this user. You deserve better.

my problem is his kids being so close to me when this isn’t how he feels - I don’t agree with it.

So why did you agree to meet his kids and keep seeing them, if this is how you feel?

I assume now he’s told you he’s not in love with you you are going to stop seeing him when he’s got his kids?

@Marnie1818 uou keep him company and fill a space his wife made after his affair came to light. You are a babysitter. Companion and bed warmer.

Never mind not having I love you - he sounds emotionally stunted and you are just there as a skivvy. And not sure why it took 3 months of dating to decide you where a couple.

using your presence in the home to try and pressure his ex to get a move in with the divorce… why would you want to be with a man that would treat another women like that or allow yourself to be a pawn in his games.

So many red flags with this guy. Love bombing you with attention and withholding love… Introducing the kids soberly and using you as a slot in carer.

no no nope.

You are the new nanny with extra benefits op. Sorry but that's all I can see from what you've posted.

You say you spend 5 days a week together plus then whole weekends. So that’s pretty much all the time then.

How can you be spending all that time together but he rarely sees/spends time with your children? You’d all be together much of the time, surely?

He has his children 50/50 you say. Let me guess, when he wants you to spend whole weekends together, it’s when he has his children.

All of this. You are being used. If you were dating from February to now then fair enough, but practically living together and intense enough to care for his kids? If he doesn’t know he loves you by now it’s not likely going anywhere. Pull back at least

“Do you love me Darling”.
I thought these things only happened in American afternoon movie not in everyday life. . 🤣
Mind you I haven’t got a romantic bone in my body so what do I know

Sorry to say but it sounds like he mainly wants you for childcare. If this relationship continues you'll be starting aibu threads in a couple of years about how you're sick of being expected to look after his kids all the time while he's at work/pub/gym. Get out.

Are you like me?

I'd rather have someone who remembers to put the bins out than somebody who declares undying love then leaves me with all of the gruntwork.

Love is better shown in how you treat someone, and what you will do for them than in fancy words etc - anybody can spend a tenner on a box of chocolates. Means nothing.

Dump. This. Man!

He is basically telling you "try harder and I may love you". Is that what you are looking for? He thinks you have to earn his affection. I would be upset and, quite frankly, very offended.

Also - he doesn't love you but he is happy to sleep with you, spend time with you and for you to be his emotional plaster? hmmm. nice.

Nope. I would say the exact same to my dearest friends. I think we all hope she starts to see this for what it is, and moves on. Hopefully, she will not be babysitting some douchbags' child this weekend, but actually do something fun for herself!

I may add, love could mean different things for different people - someone may think its that giddy feeling you get in the first month, someone is looking for something deeper - but when someone says to your face "I don't love you" it basically means they don't care. To say to your partner "I don't love you but may love you later" is cruel and, in my view. Its very deliberate and manipulative.

I think there's a difference between helping someone see clearly and making them feel like an absolute fool.
@Marnie1818 from your post I understood that you see him 5 days a week plus weekends when he 'gets you to spend time with him and his kids', you said that he's barely met your children, you look after the daughter because she doesn't like football and that you've asked him if he loves you because you don't want to go to his house at the weekend and look after his kids on the Sunday. I don't want you to feel attacked but you have posted and asked. There are so many questions! If he were such a complete bastard wouldn't he just have said he loves you to keep you sweet? Where are your kids when he's barely met them but you're with him 5 days a week and weekends? (Out if curiosity, I'm not trying to criticise you). How long into it were you when you started looking after his daughter? Do you feel like he treats you well, do you feel like he's into you? Have you gone into it straight from another relationship?
From your posts you're very unhappy and feel completely taken for granted and unloved, if that's how you feel get out and take some time to just enjoy being with your own kids and doing your own thing.
All the best x

Hmm, another graduate of the narcissist training camp I see. Sounds just like my ex and his never ending stream of girlfriends babysitters he introduces to the children after a week then splits with a few months later.
It is very obvious he is using you. If you want to stay in the relationship despite all these red flags start saying no to gaming his kids.

I recommend the Freedom Programme for avoiding men like this in future.

I would shelve the love thing as it could be (giving him a huge helping of benefit of the doubt!) that he takes longer to feel able to say the actual words. You need to look at his actions - does he make you feel loved and cared for? Does he put himself out for you (equally as much as he requires you to put yourself out for him)? Does he show he values you beyond your presence to do things for him? How does he make you feel?

I think if he made you feel loved, you wouldn't have asked him if he loves you, if that makes sense? Or his answer wouldn't bother you so much. It feels like his answer is a piece in the puzzle of how he is towards you that you already sense. I'd definitely say you have plans at the weekend and watch very carefully for how he reacts. Words are cheap but he will show you what he really feels.

My kids go to their dads every other weekend so I see him then. He joined my gym so he comes every night he doesn’t have his kids. I’ve been to his house etc. I only leave my kids when they are busy but they are 19/18 and 17 they have their own lives parties etc I feel like it’s too much looking after his daughter and I feel I’ve been guilted into the situation! She literally follows me and dotes on me every minute I’m there! It feels like I’m being used as his feelings are not there but I have a space in his family

He's using you for sex and free childcare. Dump

You've got to that sweet point in your life when you're still young but your kids don't need you as much...you should be enjoying that to the full, not living a life you're not happy with. And his poor little daughter! I reckon you should definitely knock it on the head. It doesn't sound like you're some fool who's let themselves be used and treated terribly but it does sound like you're not in the same space as him and it's not going to work. And his daughter needs to be protected before she gets hurt! I'd clear off and enjoy my freedom...at some point you'll meet someone on your page but it really doesn't sound like it's him xx

So he's let his daughter get very attached to you before he even knows if he loves you himself. What a Prince. Enjoy your kid free weekend op