Page 12 | Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

Whatsgoingon12345 · 11/10/2023 11:23

Hello, it sounds to me as if you have doubts but you'd like not to have them. I think it's very worth listening to your doubts now - what do you genuinely think rather than what you'd like to think.
While you're doing this, I suggest just doing your own thing a bit - say you can't take his kids; another time say you're going out with friends. You don't have to explain who or where.
I would then watch his reaction very closely. Is he fine with that ? Or does he pull a sad face and say , ' oh but I thought we could cozy up and watch a film together,don't go out, I'll miss you :
Someone who cares will obviously say, ' great have fun! ' ' or, ok, I'll find someone else to take the kids/ I'll change my plans'.
If he gets irritated or grumpy run.
Like other posters, I suspect he is using you, and it can be hard to see when you are seeing him so often.
the above might help you gently 'test' him.
Either way definitely make sure you have alone time with mates or just you, and alone time with your kids.
Good luck x

readbooksdrinktea · 11/10/2023 11:27

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 02:34

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.

This should tell you everything you need to know. Seriously. He doesn't care enough to ask about you.

Seaweed42 · 11/10/2023 11:27

You are a rescuer and you like having people to care about.
It makes you feel useful and gives you a sense of self worth.

But sometimes we have to step back and ask ourselves why are we so desperate to want somebody in our life to manage.

If your role as a mother is reducing then maybe you leapt on this man and his kids to give yourself a sense of purpose.

Maybe you are over-doing the mothering role rather than re-finding yourself as a single woman now that your kids are getting older.

It's hard to get used to our kids not needing us anymore.
It's frightening but my advice is spend some time alone, on your own.

Go away for a night in a hotel on your own. Do a nice yoga weekend on your own. Just take time to get to know yourself again not as a mother, not as a partner, just you for yourself.

herewegoroundthebastardbush · 11/10/2023 11:33

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 01:05

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

So many questions...

Why would you even think about dating a man who had an affair? He's a cheat and a liar. He would do exactly the same to you. Why give a scumbag like that sexual succour? He should live out his days with every decent woman in the world giving his penis a ten-mile swerve.
Why would you introduce your kids to a man you've known since February? It doesn't matter if they're older, you don't have to lie - they can know mum is dating without having the guy in their lives. You shouldn't put him in their lives until you are rock-solid certain that he is a keeper - why mess with them that way?
Why on earth have you been acting as his housekeeper and childminder? You've barely been an item five minutes, he should still be wooing you not setting you to work!

Now some statements of fact:

he doesn't love you.
He hasn't 'moved fast' because he loves you, he's done it because he is inadequate and wants someone to sort his life out for him - clean his home, look after his child, and generally 'wife' for him. The previous incumbent has now vacated the role, so he's looking for a quick and easy replacement and thinks you're it.
He obviously sees 'wife' and 'beloved' as entirely separate concepts, as he has demonstrated by cheating on his last wife. So if he's cast you as 'wife', you can confidently expect you will never be desired, treasured, loved the way you would want to by this man.
You have made a mistake. He is not the one. Your best bet is to drop him like a hot spud, and be much more cautious and demanding next time.

1month · 11/10/2023 11:49

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 10:28

My kids go to their dads every other weekend so I see him then. He joined my gym so he comes every night he doesn’t have his kids. I’ve been to his house etc. I only leave my kids when they are busy but they are 19/18 and 17 they have their own lives parties etc I feel like it’s too much looking after his daughter and I feel I’ve been guilted into the situation! She literally follows me and dotes on me every minute I’m there! It feels like I’m being used as his feelings are not there but I have a space in his family

Wow I assumed you were some young woman, late teens/early twenties.

OP you are too old to be acting so silly.

You have grown up kids which aren’t with you 100% of the time and he only has his kids 50/50, which means most of the time you should be seeing each other without the kids involved.

You’ve only been together a few months.
It should still be really fun and you should both be going out and doing things, not stuck at home babysitting or rushing into anything heavy.

Pollyputthekettleonha · 11/10/2023 11:55

Sorry haven't read the full thread but sounds like he is using you OP. Sorry. You should definitely refuse to do any more childcare and then see what unfolds. I would ditch him though ultimately.

ukgot2pot · 11/10/2023 11:56

anareen · 11/10/2023 03:59

I think it would be beneficial to educate yourself on toxic relationships, abusive relationships, narcissistic relationships and trauma bonds.

Show quote history

This is an absolute nutshell, OP.

SkyFullofStars1975 · 11/10/2023 12:00

You really need to work on your self esteem. Because it's not OK to think that you're worth a man who takes everything you give but gives you nothing in return. Once you start seeing yourself as a decent person to be in a relationship with, you'll realise that he's actually not meeting any of your needs.

FayCarew · 11/10/2023 12:02

He hardly spends anytime with my kids as he has his 50% of the time. He never asks much about my or my kids to be honest, he talks about himself most of the time.
Read that back to yourself, @Marnie1818 .

You are the free nanny and shag. He doesn't need to love you.
By telling you, you are nearly there, he's encouraging you to be on your toes.

Catmuffin · 11/10/2023 12:05

You'll know where you stand with him once you stop providing free services for him.

EverybodyLTB · 11/10/2023 12:08

What kind of sociopath tells a woman they don’t love her, but he’s stated he wants to have a baby together? He’s a pig, OP. Fundamentally awful in his approach to relationships, a user and thoroughly irresponsible. Be done. Your kids are grown, you should be living it up, not wasting time being supernanny and bewildered over a man who uses you.

YouJustDoYou · 11/10/2023 12:08

YOU. ARE. BEING. USED.

neveradullard · 11/10/2023 12:15

You want this relationship to be meaningful and lasting as you've invested strong feelings, time and effort into it. That's understandable. However, not all dating relationships amount to love and there isn't a precise time frame for that to develop. Remember, the words 'I love you' can be uttered quite convincingly by those who don't mean it to placate someone, keep them on the hook etc. He may like you a lot, he may be fond of you but all of this is complicated by the way he is using you and make no mistake he is using you. You are his domestic and childcare support.

Go back to dating arrangements, don't spend so much time at his place (he should come to you or take you out!), see what he's like if you withdraw your wife like support and don't fall for the surface charm.

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 12:17

@Marnie1818

I assumed wrongly that his feelings were there when he asked me to meet his children
i would have said firmly no if I realised his heart wasn’t in it

Come on now OP. You've seen it now, so time to buck up, tighten the laces on your running shoes and march swiftly into the opposite direction to him. 🌹

billy1966 · 11/10/2023 12:38

He loves what you can do for him, that's all.

You have badly misjudged being used for affection.

Expect him to be a LOT less interested in you if you are not prepared to be free childcare for him.

His lack of interest in you, your children would be a red flag for a lot of people.

You are useful to him for sure, but so would any woman he could use for childcare.

You deserve better.

Do the www.freedomprogramme.co.uk to help with your self esteem and boundaries.

Being used is no basis for a long term relationship.

Your time is being wasted by him.

The Freedom Programme. Learn about domestic violence and abuse

The Freedom Programme. For women who want to learn more about the reality of domestic violence and abuse

http://www.freedomprogramme.co.uk

howdoesyourgardengrowinmay · 11/10/2023 12:41

It definitely sounds like he's keeping you on the boil so he can use you as childcare.

Keep saying no to the childcare and see how long it takes before he disappears altogether.

You don't need this shit in your life.

Lovingeveryrainbow · 11/10/2023 12:46

I wouldn't have even introduced my child to someone after a few months. I think his response was reasonable and think its wise for you to really grow as a couple before introducing kids into it.

Lovingeveryrainbow · 11/10/2023 12:47

^^Just read the the rest of the thread. RUN.

cartagenagina · 11/10/2023 12:59

I’m a bit confused about what’s going on here.

You say you spend five days together every week and most weekends. Then you say he hasn’t stayed over at your house and your DC have never met his.

Have you moved out of your home and into his, leaving your teens living at your house? Do either of you work? I can’t fathom the logistics of it.

Original poster

Marnie1818 · 11/10/2023 13:04

No we see each other 5 times a week. We don’t sleep over that many times. We only stay over at the weekends. We see each other at his or we meet at the gym in the week

OP posts:

fortheloveofflowers · 11/10/2023 13:05

Are you really so desperate and blind that you can’t see he’s using you? He wants a woman to do the babysitting.

He’s previously had an affair and I suspect he has you hanging on to his every word as an ego boost and until he finds someone he does love.

get some self respect and dump him.

1month · 11/10/2023 13:22

Catmuffin · 11/10/2023 12:05

You'll know where you stand with him once you stop providing free services for him.

Yep!

Stop babysitting or seeing him when he has his kids.

Then see where you stand with him a few weeks later.

uncomfortablydumb53 · 11/10/2023 13:39

You've been too accommodating to him and I'd feel used, but kindly I think you have been
I'd not be so available and see if he changes towards you

Excited101 · 11/10/2023 13:47

People spend an awful lot of time worrying about if other people like them or not… really they should be more concerned about their own feelings towards the other person!

BrightGreenMoonBuggy · 11/10/2023 13:52

I think it’s quite easy to fall in love to be honest and it doesn’t take from February to October. It’s a strong feeling. The only difference is that a divorcee / someone who needs time to open up to others etc may take longer to want to say it out loud as it feels like a next step. But if you’re together five days a week, spending whole weekends together with the kids etc I’d say that feeling in love definitely should have been the step before that, so if he still isn’t feeling it then I’d dump him and move on! Otherwise it’s all just going to feel a bit like it’s a convenient living / socialising / childcare arrangement for him, isn’t it.