Boyfriend says I’m not there yet but headed that way when I asked him if he loved me

[Marnie1818]

Me and my boyf both 40 have known each other since Feb and been a couple since about May/June. He’s introduced me to his kids and he’s met mine. We spend 5 days a week together and he gets me to spend whole weekends with him and his kids. He’s asked me to look after his daughter a few times. I asked him if he loves me and he said I’m not there yet but headed that way. I feel upset and quite used. Do I quit or hope he changes his mind. He used me support for his divorce and finding a job

He hasn’t asked you if you love him as your primary role is a childminder slash housekeeper. He doesn’t need to love you for that.

You’re 4 months into a relationship with a man who doesn’t love you and using you for childcare.

You can see now why it’s better not to introduce partners to kids until you figure out their motivations and how you feel about them.

That said, it’s only been a few months, so dumping him now will be relatively swift. And you wont make that mistake again.

He’s even made comments about us having a child together. I’ve said firmly no I’m done!!

Ignore the words.

Do you feel loved?

Well that'll be because it'll be harder for you to get away from him, he'll use it as a form of control.
He's basically using you as free home help.
Get rid of the loser.

Take a step back OP! At best he is being thoughtless about his DC and your feelings. At worst he is taking you for a mug and is indifferent to his DC's needs and wants. Either way you deserve a child free weekend and if he cares about you in the way he claims he'll respect that. If he doesn't then you know where his motivations lie.

Each response I read from you OP has me even more confused. There are so many conflicting statements and actions here. You are preaching boundaries when it comes to children yet have clearly shown you struggle with boundaries yourself. I do question the integrity of this post.

He cheated on his wife and you thought wow what a catch.

he's thinking about it - but in the meantime you're an OK provider of free childcare.

You haven't been dating that long, OP. It sounds awfully like he's using you as a babysitter and possibly a friend with benefits. I'd cool it down, if I were you. I think you deserve better, but if you still want to see him on a 1:1 basis, I'd do that rather than continue to be his babysitter.

He doesn't love you. He's using you for company, and for childcare.

I think your need to feel loved is clouding your judgement. This man’s relationship ended because of an affair - massive red flag. You’re supporting him much more than he’s ever supported you.
I think you need to work on yourself and your low esteem. You deserve better

Op if you need to ask them then the answer is always going to be no. If he loved you he’d tell you.

and if you don’t agree to thr kids being so close then stop. You don’t need to say yes, you bear a large part of the responsibility here for saying yes. If the price you expect him to pay is he needs to declare love for you then you’ve got this all wrong. Relationships should never be transactional.

take responsibility for your own part in this and accept that at least he didn’t lie.

That's a hook to keep you doing what he wants you to do. If you were foolish enough to have a child with him (and thank goodness it sounds like you're not) he would have you constantly on tap to be step-mum to his current children as well as the new one.

Seriously, cut and run. 🌹

This man needs a free babysitter. Sorry op.

Babe cut and run! That’s not a balanced relationship. X

I asked because I was tired of being confused by his behaviour. Rather than waste more time on the situation I asked. If my partner wanted to ask me anything I would feel that they could. You’re right I didn’t have to let her get close to me but I felt like it was a natural progression, my concern is that I felt for someone to introduce you to their children and let the time grow he must have naturally felt it too. The fact that he doesn’t but he lets me and his children get close is too much for me as a girlfriend and parent. I wouldn’t ask him to look after my children

He gave you an honest answer. If he wanted to lead you on he would have said he did love you.

He did but it’s not the way he’s been acting

OP you talk a bit like you’re a passenger with no agency in all of this. If you felt it was too soon to introduce kids etc why didn’t you say this? No kids should have been introduced at all at this stage - as you’ve found out to your cost. Now you know that he’s a user and irresponsible towards his children, you do have the option to end the relationship.

If I was the ex wife I’d be furious that he’d introduced someone so quickly and he was leaving them alone regularly.

You're his handy nanny/maid/chef/cleaner.

He doesn't love you. He needs to use you.

You’ve answered your own question on here a few times, just get rid hon

His ex had a boyfriend who lives in the family home with her and the kids on the days when she has the children
i didn’t feel it was too soon as we’ve been dating and spending time together since February! I assumed wrongly that his feelings were there when he asked me to meet his children
i would have said firmly no if I realised his heart wasn’t in it

Also I’ve been divorced for 7 years and I’ve only introduced my children to 2 people in that time. Both I loved and thought I had a long term future with. I assumed everyone felt this way

95% these responses are pointing out your trying to fill a bucket with a gaping hole in it.

your just wanting a few people to say, oh love no, it’s totally fine some buckets are just see through at the bottom. Your feet are absolutely not soaking wet.

It’s your life love, but if your this u happy four months in, it doesn’t bode well does it.

This is such good advice.
Wish I'd followed it about 20 years ago! I preach it to everyone now.
Anyone can seem nice when you're doing exactly what they want. Try a few 'nos'. At least have weekend plans the next time he has the kids.