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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
LizM66 · 11/10/2023 18:34

Get rid of him

pphammer · 11/10/2023 18:57

Well,
It's his money as you're engaged but not married(?)
That doesn't mean you're being unreasonable. You should consider your options as it seems he's an addicted gambler and you need to look after you and the kids before him

pointythings · 11/10/2023 18:57

Don't waste your life on this man. Gambling is possibly the hardest of all addictions to overcome, and he has already cost your family £30k. Yes, it was his compensation - but he is an adult, with a family and responsibilities and he has completely failed to live up to that. Start the process of separating from him completely.

Winnipeg23 · 11/10/2023 19:05

Just get out. Now.

saffy2 · 11/10/2023 19:05

I’d tell him to leave. I wouldn’t be continuing a relationship with this man.

User68 · 11/10/2023 19:13

I’d leave.

Givemethereins · 11/10/2023 19:23

He just gambled his kids future away. And then turned on you. He's an addict. He has a gambling addiction. He needs to get help. You should probably start to lay the ground work now to leave him.
The nasty words he called when he messed up so utterly, is alarming.
He's family should be made aware as he needs help.

AnnieSnap · 11/10/2023 19:34

I’d think very carefully about continuing in this relationship. If he has a gambling addiction and he is a liar. He will only bring you unhappiness

CharlieUniformNovemberTangoYankee · 11/10/2023 19:36

Don't get sidetracked with the ins and outs of the 'arrangement' with his dad or any other irrelevant bullshit.

The fact is that he spunked £30k - THIRTY THOUSAND POUNDS - that could have been invested for, or spent on, his own children.

Keep reminding yourself of that and let the inevitable lies, abuse and gaslighting wash over you if you can.

Stick to your guns and get rid. Good luck.

Jl2014 · 11/10/2023 19:38

This relationship is going no where. The sooner you get out of it the better for your own sake.

really sorry for you situation. Sounds awful but I do really think you need to get away from him.

Newmumatlast · 11/10/2023 19:38

Go to the council and explain the situation and that he is telling you that you have to leave as he will not. Hopefully they can help you. You should be priority need due to the children. And tell his parents.

Youthinkyoureuniqueyourejustastatistic · 11/10/2023 19:41

Go see his parents without him.
Tell then.
Leave.

Tessabelle74 · 11/10/2023 19:47

I'd leave. He has massively breached your trust and I'd never be able to forgive him wasting future security like that

Tessabelle74 · 11/10/2023 19:49

pphammer · 11/10/2023 18:57

Well,
It's his money as you're engaged but not married(?)
That doesn't mean you're being unreasonable. You should consider your options as it seems he's an addicted gambler and you need to look after you and the kids before him

They have CHILDREN. He has wasted 30 grand that would have kept them in secure accommodation for life!

pphammer · 11/10/2023 19:50

Hence I said she should consider her options.
I know what I would do. It still was he's money though

Applesaarenttheonlyfruit · 11/10/2023 19:51

God almighty. Please get rid OP

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 11/10/2023 19:54

I haven't heard back from his mum after our conversation earlier. I'm wondering now has the dad not handed over the money and is he just lying about it building up his own pot of money surely if the dad had she would have contacted me to confirm that. He has came home from work i have just got the kids to bed and am heading to bed too I am so drained. I want him to go I don't trust anything he says.

if he hasn't went of his own accord by the weekend (part of me is hoping the mum will talk to him on Friday and he'll be so angry at me for telling his business that he will leave easily) I will be able to speak to him on Monday and while the kids are at school and nursery as well r had both booked that day off as it's my birthday (the lunch plans have obv been cancelled)

OP posts:
LouOrange · 11/10/2023 19:55

He’s spent £30k in 10 months on shit? LTB

LaurieStrode · 11/10/2023 20:04

So his name is on the tenancy?

How old are your kids? Are they all his?

I don't get it - you said he's been crap with money and obsessive/addictive since you met. It's difficult to understand why this wasn't predictable from Day One.

Why would he give it to his dad, rather than you, if safeguarding it from his "spending" was really his aim? Did you question that? Clearly he just wanted to hide it from you so he could bet and gamble at will.

I could not respect or love such a specimen. It's tragic that you and the kids are tied to him, but what's done is done. I hope you can get out soon.

Julimia · 11/10/2023 20:04

Oh this is awful. Bless you. Easier said than done but leave him. He is abusing you big style and will continue to do so. Take care.

VORE · 11/10/2023 20:06

Sounds completely narcissistic and an addict.

Hes had a nice ride with you OP, getting to keep all his wages and do with them what he wants while you fund the children’s life and then mope that he hasn’t got any money.

I had an ex like this… was a full time electrician while I was a student working part time as a nanny (literally making 1/4 of what he made) and every month without fail he was getting pay day loans and asking me to loan him money and when I said no he would completely lose his mind, first he would do the nicey nicey pleading, then when that wouldn’t work he would move onto temper tantrums - yelling abuse at me and then when that didn’t work he would actually cry and beg me (so pathetic).

Men like this don’t care about anyone else, they just care about getting what they want when they want it by any means.

Ofc the money was for the both of you - you are effectively common law spouses as you live together and share children. Especially as you fund all the kids stuff.

I cannot imagine how truly selfish you would have to be to get 30k in your bank and not think it was for your family.

He is a selfish addict who is doing everything he can to manipulate the situation and try and deflect onto you.

LIZS · 11/10/2023 20:07

He's deflecting responsibility by attacking your questions. Technically it was his money but he chose to squander it at the expense of his family,

5128gap · 11/10/2023 20:21

Try not to get drawn into the fact that it was his money. Its a red herring. Doesn't matter who's money it was. The issue is that a father of three decided to spend £30k on gambling without using any of it to benefit his children in any regard. This means he is either very deep into his addiction, so he has lost all sense of priority, or he doesn't care enough for his children to use the money in their interests. Neither of which make him a man you want to bring your children up with.

BorrowersAreVermin · 11/10/2023 20:26

Don't think YABU in assuming at least some of the money would be family money. I'm not married to my partner but if I'd come into that kind of money I'd be making sure it went to good use for all of us.

The gambling thing means you can't trust a word he says. Addicts will tell you anything to avoid the truth. I've got a family member who over 15 years now has had a gambling addiction, which was replaced with a drug problem, and now it's a too much alcohol issue... never accepting responsibility for any of it.

In the past they've spent savings, rental deposits, money they need for work transport. All while telling anyone who'll listen how well they're doing.

IncompleteSenten · 11/10/2023 20:35

It would be very foolish to stay with this man.