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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
TolkiensFallow · 11/10/2023 20:46

I think you are done with this man OP. He’s a selfish waste of space.

INeedAnotherName · 11/10/2023 21:11

It is a bit worrying that his mum hasn't called you, but maybe his mum and dad are having their own argument if his mother is finding out about his dad letting him use the credit card etc. Leave them to it and concentrate on having a place for just you and the children. This man is no longer trustworthy.

Bookloverjay · 11/10/2023 21:13

No words of wisdom
just wanted to stay strong

riceuten · 11/10/2023 21:34

He’s lying about giving money to his parents - he’s gambled it all away. Check that he’s not taken out credit in your name - I wouldn’t put it past him.

Livingonthedarkside · 11/10/2023 21:41

Oh Op, I feel for you. And from the wife of an ex GA, you have a long and hard road ahead, and it’s going to be full of gas’s lighting, nothing will be his fault and there will always be a problem and it won’t be his addiction.
I told my MIL, and the response was she already know as he always had a habit for the slot machines and he already had an IOU. I literally fell of the chair! I ended up telling her she either follows my lead with his commitment to accept he has a problem, or she needs to make up her spare room.
we have 2 kids together, I took all his bank cards and gave him a Daily Cash amount, changed his password on his AppStore (no longer able to download gambling apps) and online banking and took control of everything, and rolled us into debt management as we also had a mortgage. 5 years after that we moved house and took the equity that we gained out £58k of debt was still outstanding. But that was my sacrifice to keep the roof over my kids heads. He’s been clean 10 years but gambling annonomus changed his mindset to realise the big win he was chasing was to improve the situation for his family, in his eyes he was trying to make our situation better, sadly little did he see his addition was the problem and doing the opposite.
everyone's says leave, positives can come from this as I’m evidence, however that will only come if the addict is to admit their problem, without that the road is downhill if you stay.
I wish you all the best of luck x

newYear10 · 11/10/2023 21:46

milenat · 10/10/2023 21:06

How can people be so crap with money AND relationships, never ceases to amaze me.

Why did you have three children with this guy?

This!!

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 11/10/2023 22:23

I've nothing to add to really excellent advice many have offered except to urge OP to break up with this bastard ASAP. He will bring you and your DC nothing but misery and worry.

Grandmanetty · 11/10/2023 23:27

He's threatened to leave if you tell his parents. So that is exactly what you need to do. One way of getting rid of him. Then speak to his parents about getting him to change name on rent book. He's obviously more afraid of them than he is of you.

Gg93 · 11/10/2023 23:31

I am so so sorry you are going through this. You are way stronger than you know. Regardless of what happens next you are better off knowing the full truth. Think about it for a bit and then plan the future.

Blueink · 11/10/2023 23:54

Oh no this is awful OP, what a betrayal of trust. It seems like it wasn’t expected, but clearly he’s not someone stable to take on the commitment of a mortgage with.

I think this was a lucky escape and agree with PP he’s killed the trust and respect in the relationship.

MsAdoraBelleDearheartVonLipwig · 12/10/2023 07:52

He’s betrayed you and gaslighted you and he’s more concerned about you telling other people? Cheeky bastard. He’d have scorch marks on his arse, I’d sling him out the door so fast. You must be absolutely livid. Don’t give him an inch, he’s behaved like an absolute arsehole and I’d be giving it to him both barrels, never mind giving a shit about who he didn’t want me to talk to!

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 12/10/2023 09:31

Morning all still no word from his parents after I told the mum. Haven't spoken to him the house is just silent if not for the kids. I can't bare to look at him I just want him gone but don't want the kids to listen to an ugly arguments so it will be a process

OP posts:
Toodlepip100 · 12/10/2023 09:46

OP , Can you go round to his parents&ask them what’s the full story today,put your mind at rest&you can then tell him to get lost

CountessWindyBottom · 12/10/2023 10:01

You poor thing, this is just awful. I think you know already that there’s no future with this man, don’t you?

Nothing7 · 12/10/2023 10:24

I would be devastated that a life changing amount has been squandered with no consideration toward you or your children. Sounds like you’ve always made sure you’ve funded the family and he’s just pleased himself. I wouldn’t want him around the children and normalising that kind of behaviour.

misspeney · 12/10/2023 10:41

Just wanted to say you seem really strong and are doing all the right things. Keep going, we're rooting for you and hope he can perhaps start to see his problem for what it is. But you keep focusing on yourself and the kids. Good luck.

19lottie82 · 12/10/2023 14:41

I think you are unreasonable for assuming it was “our” money BUT he’s obviously terrible with money and / or doesn’t want to buy a house with you.
you’ve had a lucky escape.

Autumnleaves89 · 12/10/2023 19:57

@19lottie82 when they live together as a family with their kids?! Come off it.
Some people’s attitudes to wards relationships and partnerships absolutely baffle me.

GrannyHelen1 · 13/10/2023 10:50

So sorry to say this, but I think you've picked a total loser, and you need to get out now. He has lied to you, lied to his family about you, and tried to make the issue your fault for questioning what he's done with 'his' money. Clearly he has a gambling addiction, clearly you can't trust him an inch, clearly he has zero respect for you, and clearly he is not prepared to take any responsibility for his problems. Run. Now. For. Your. Own. Sake. And. That. Of. Your. Childrn.

Pompom2367 · 15/10/2023 07:53

OP I'm so sorry this is such a horrible situation

Remmy123 · 15/10/2023 08:04

do not marry this man he has lied to you and irresponsible with money

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