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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
thequeenoftarts · 10/10/2023 23:33

Tell his parents, get him out of the house. Sell what you can and get yourself far far away from that mess. Do a credit score on yourself. If he has taken out any loans in your name, have him charged. He didn't give a shit about you or your children, why would you give a damn about him. Its over, that trust can never be gotten back. Run like your on fire, before he steals every cent you have. He will be sniffing for the 500 you have for your kids next

Ottersmith · 10/10/2023 23:37

BestZebbie · 10/10/2023 20:55

  1. Close any joint bank accounts. Collect passport number, details of his earnings etc for future child support claim.
  2. TELL HIS PARENTS EVERYTHING
  3. Leave him! (Ideally throw him out if possible, so the children aren't moved)

Yes listen to this. If you marry him he will drain you of everything.

Hibiscrubbed · 10/10/2023 23:40

He is scum to treat you this way, and an utter failure for behaving that way.

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 23:45

God help you and your children.

What an utter and complete loser.

You are wasting your life with him.

Tell everyone the truth.

He has blown 30k.

Selfish loser.

VineRipened · 11/10/2023 00:04

The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

Oooh, make sure all my salary and savings go into a joint account, take on a joint mortgage (but of course make all
the payments because the poor man has debts), marry him (a wedding day to die for) and ensure that he would get half my pension and all my money, house equity etc etc in the sad eventuality that we should ever have cause to divorce.

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/10/2023 00:15

You keep referring to it as "our" savings, but he's right, it was his comp money and nothing to do with you, you have no claim to it. You jumped the gun making plans to use it as a house deposit, it wasn't yours to make plans with. Maybe he doesn't WANT to buy and have a mortgage. Same with the house, rented in his name (presumably you're not on the tennancy because of your IVA?) but you're asking him to move out and stay elsewhere, and planning to dump a bag of his stuff at his mums this weekend and not "having him home". No, if someones leaving because you want space, it should be you, you've no right to kick him out of his own bloody home.
As long as he's not gambling what you've earned and only his own money, and he's still covering his share of bills, i don't think you're justified getting angry at what he spends the rest of his income on.

TheCompactPussycat · 11/10/2023 00:15

Get rid of him OP.

He either never owed money to his Dad or he hasn't paid it back if he did. He's just gambled the whole £30K. That's why he doesn't want you to say anything to his parents.

Firefly1987 · 11/10/2023 00:16

Gambling must be the only addiction that gets zero sympathy, like none at all-it's an addiction like any other and one he needs help with. If he's not receptive to getting help then we can all call him an "utter and complete loser." I don't think OP should stay with him in any case, but jeez I wonder why gamblers hide their addictions for so long when this is the view people have of them? I'm sorry this must be a big shock for you and feel like he put his addiction above you and the kids but getting a lump sum of money like he did is like the worst thing that can happen to a gambler. He's probably incredibly angry and ashamed at himself that he spent the money but he shouldn't take it out on you. Hopefully this has been a wake-up call for him but he needs to put things in place to stop this happening again.

HanSB · 11/10/2023 00:17

His family will side with him, he comes from a family of gamblers - his father, his brother and him. That's normal for them. Don't tie your future and your children's future to a life with a person you cannot trust financially. Tell his family but sounds like they will forgive both their sons anything. Have your own support group and look forwards without him. He's abusive and will try to manipulate you into feeling like he's just a victim.

momtoboys · 11/10/2023 00:23

He’s just a loser. Just be glad you aren’t tied to a mortgage with him. LTB.

UhohFibonacci · 11/10/2023 00:27

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

MoulinPouge · 11/10/2023 00:27

@Firefly1987

What you say is true and I pity him tremendously. However, I also feel it's really important for the thread starter to detach herself from feelings of sympathy or pity for him. She has to protect herself and her children, and those feelings will get in the way.

He is showing every sign of defending his addiction (lies, denial, becoming abusive when confronted) and there isn't any amount of love or support that can make that situation safe for her or her children. Addiction destroys. Losing the £30k hasn't been enough of a wake up call because he is still lying, denying, deflecting etc. Thread starter cannot take on responsibility for his addiction, only he can.

So whilst I agree the name calling etc is stigmatising and not exactly fair on the person with addiction, I think other posters are trying to hammer home how destructive and toxic this behaviour is, and trying to help override feelings of loyalty and love likely felt by the thread starter. And to be honest, this isn't a thread to support those with gambling addiction, but to support the thread starter. I do hear what you're saying and you're not wrong, but I don't think it is what thread starter needs to hear right now. She must protect herself and her children.

Eg
I would feel terribly sorry for someone drowning in a freezing lake. But if I was speaking with their loved one who was contemplating jumping into help them, I would be focusing on "they've got themselves into this, you can't help them, keep away from the water, they will drag you down!" etc and not how it is a tragedy that there isn't more support to help drowning victims and that they shouldn't be condemned for making bad decisions near dangerous waters (even those those things might at the same time be true).

jlpth · 11/10/2023 00:30

What an absolute wanker.

You have 3 kids together and are a family of 5. Of course it was "your" money (ie for the good of the whole family). You could have go onto the property ladder with it. He is a complete and utter waster and a shit parent.

If he has a gambling problem, get rid. At least you won't have to divorce the twat since you're not married.

Say to him, yes, I absolutely did see the 30k as "ours" because we are a family and need a home. And since he didn't see it that way, he doesn't even deserve to have a family. What a useless lying twat.

DiscoBeat · 11/10/2023 00:43

So he can't control his spending and gets into debts, has a gambling problem and has form for shouting at you? What a catch.

Coyoacan · 11/10/2023 00:44

His mum is going to take his side, it's what mums do. Leave him but don't complain to his mum about him. She could be a good source of support for you in the future as long as you don't ask her to take sides

DiscoBeat · 11/10/2023 00:44

I didn't read the other post. Cheating too! Get rid!

ukgot2pot · 11/10/2023 00:54

LTB.

Starseeking · 11/10/2023 00:55

Call his bluff, and leave him.

You do not want to spend the rest of your life with a gambler who tries to blackmail you.

Newestname002 · 11/10/2023 01:04

@Summersunshine88

He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

So now his dad thinks you have the money or you're the one who wasted it? I hope you do find a way to leave the relationship because he's a liar and has shown how little respect he has for you.

What kind a of man would rather see his children homeless rather than leave and live elsewhere himself? 🌹

MrsTerryPratchett · 11/10/2023 01:21

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/10/2023 00:15

You keep referring to it as "our" savings, but he's right, it was his comp money and nothing to do with you, you have no claim to it. You jumped the gun making plans to use it as a house deposit, it wasn't yours to make plans with. Maybe he doesn't WANT to buy and have a mortgage. Same with the house, rented in his name (presumably you're not on the tennancy because of your IVA?) but you're asking him to move out and stay elsewhere, and planning to dump a bag of his stuff at his mums this weekend and not "having him home". No, if someones leaving because you want space, it should be you, you've no right to kick him out of his own bloody home.
As long as he's not gambling what you've earned and only his own money, and he's still covering his share of bills, i don't think you're justified getting angry at what he spends the rest of his income on.

You couldn't fit a rizla under your bar for partner behaviour, it's so low.

In an actual relationship, people prioritise their children. He's spaffed 30K instead of using it to make their lives better. He's got 3 kids and the amount he's admitted to gambling away is 6k. Does that sound like a good partner and father?

Firefly1987 · 11/10/2023 01:21

MoulinPouge · 11/10/2023 00:27

@Firefly1987

What you say is true and I pity him tremendously. However, I also feel it's really important for the thread starter to detach herself from feelings of sympathy or pity for him. She has to protect herself and her children, and those feelings will get in the way.

He is showing every sign of defending his addiction (lies, denial, becoming abusive when confronted) and there isn't any amount of love or support that can make that situation safe for her or her children. Addiction destroys. Losing the £30k hasn't been enough of a wake up call because he is still lying, denying, deflecting etc. Thread starter cannot take on responsibility for his addiction, only he can.

So whilst I agree the name calling etc is stigmatising and not exactly fair on the person with addiction, I think other posters are trying to hammer home how destructive and toxic this behaviour is, and trying to help override feelings of loyalty and love likely felt by the thread starter. And to be honest, this isn't a thread to support those with gambling addiction, but to support the thread starter. I do hear what you're saying and you're not wrong, but I don't think it is what thread starter needs to hear right now. She must protect herself and her children.

Eg
I would feel terribly sorry for someone drowning in a freezing lake. But if I was speaking with their loved one who was contemplating jumping into help them, I would be focusing on "they've got themselves into this, you can't help them, keep away from the water, they will drag you down!" etc and not how it is a tragedy that there isn't more support to help drowning victims and that they shouldn't be condemned for making bad decisions near dangerous waters (even those those things might at the same time be true).

Edited

@MoulinPouge I definitely agree with most of what you're saying and sympathy was probably the wrong word because I don't think he should be getting any sympathy (certainly don't expect any myself for my own addictions) but the name calling from some posters was a bit much and what I objected to. And yes I definitely agree OP needs to get away from this guy unless he is 100% serious about quitting forever. In all probability she will have to be in charge of all finances for the rest of the relationship because gambling being what it is-even if he lays off it for 6 months and manages to save some money-it could all be gone in one moment of weakness. He's not handled her finding out well at all and that's very worrying and he needs to own it and beg for forgiveness. But yes, I wouldn't advise anyone stay in a relationship with a gambling addict, especially if they have kids.

Begsthequestion · 11/10/2023 03:47

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:53

I have been thinking for a while he's a bit narcissistic

he has a really high opinion of himself in work he will tell me that the 'bosses' will come to him for advice. Like he gives out all this good advice but his life is in the shit. I have pulled him up on that before and told him to wise up and stop telling lies but he is adamant he's so full of wisdom and people can see that in him

Yeah plus the fact that he's not grovelling for forgiveness but instead is threatening to leave you - he actually still thinks he's some kind of catch!!

Tell his parents everything and split up with him, for yours and your kids' sake. He needs to get himself into treatment and sort himself out if he ever wants to be taken seriously as a responsible adult again.

Begsthequestion · 11/10/2023 03:52

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/10/2023 00:15

You keep referring to it as "our" savings, but he's right, it was his comp money and nothing to do with you, you have no claim to it. You jumped the gun making plans to use it as a house deposit, it wasn't yours to make plans with. Maybe he doesn't WANT to buy and have a mortgage. Same with the house, rented in his name (presumably you're not on the tennancy because of your IVA?) but you're asking him to move out and stay elsewhere, and planning to dump a bag of his stuff at his mums this weekend and not "having him home". No, if someones leaving because you want space, it should be you, you've no right to kick him out of his own bloody home.
As long as he's not gambling what you've earned and only his own money, and he's still covering his share of bills, i don't think you're justified getting angry at what he spends the rest of his income on.

Such terrible advice I can't help but think it's purposefully bad!

As if 30 grand for an ordinary man with three kids is ever just fun money! Utterly irresponsible.

MumsGoneToIceland · 11/10/2023 04:20

The first thing I would do is to protect your money. If you have any joint account, check it’s not in debt and then close them. Ensure all bills on joint names ar3 up to date.

Then start looking for rental options, childcare options etc if you are reliant on his parents just in case and make plans to leave.

Warn his parents so they have the facts, if they don’t listen, that’s up to them you’ve done your job.

If he won’t leave, keep contact to a minimum, do what you need to for the kids and don’t engage unless you have to until you have your rental secured.

daisychain01 · 11/10/2023 04:25

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:53

I have been thinking for a while he's a bit narcissistic

he has a really high opinion of himself in work he will tell me that the 'bosses' will come to him for advice. Like he gives out all this good advice but his life is in the shit. I have pulled him up on that before and told him to wise up and stop telling lies but he is adamant he's so full of wisdom and people can see that in him

Hopefully writing all this down in one place helps you to clarify that he's an utter loser who is dragging you down in life and adding nothing to your happiness.

by getting rid of him from your life will instantly rid yourself of a world of crap.