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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
YokoOnosBigHat · 10/10/2023 21:09

Each update is worse than the last @Summersunshine88. You need to leave, this isn't a should leave, you need to leave.

ThreeLeggedKitten · 10/10/2023 21:10

Tell his parents and send him over to theirs.

Wouldn’t have anything to do with a man who couldn’t prioritise his own family above gambling

2jacqi · 10/10/2023 21:11

did he win the money in the first place? Is that why he thought it was his?? get rid. even if it is only a hostel, you will eventually get something. tell his parents everything because sure as hell, he will be telling them and everyone else it was all your fault!

Spendysis · 10/10/2023 21:13

He has prioritised gambling over you and your children’s security and future time to leave before he drags you down further

Olika · 10/10/2023 21:13

I couldn't continue being with him for the matters of gambling, poor money management and not taking care of his family.

Codlingmoths · 10/10/2023 21:13

Tell the whole world. Tell his parents he never has any money so you have to pay for everything for the children- shoes clothes haircuts everything, and he’s just frittered thousands away and you don’t trust him and you’re not a team. I think it’s really important his parents know as they will continue to believe his lies otherwise while they might be helpful if they know the truth, and he has to leave anyway. This relationship is done.

beetr00 · 10/10/2023 21:13

It was his money but....

He totally mislead you into thinking a proportion of it would be used for your family.

You must be completely shocked.

AllyCart · 10/10/2023 21:15

Well he sounds like a true Prince among men, OP.

You are lucky you don't have a mortgage with, and therefore more ties to, him.

Stilldigging · 10/10/2023 21:16

So after he pissed away the money that could have provided his family with some security, he threatened that he would leave if you told his parents, but when you asked him to leave he refused? You can't believe a word that comes out of this mans mouth can you.

Redwinestillfine · 10/10/2023 21:17

Lucky escape op. Make sure his parents know why you have left. That he has gambled the lot.

GuinnessBird · 10/10/2023 21:18

It's his money but he sounds like an absolute dick, bin him off.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/10/2023 21:18

If you can’t leave for you- look at the children and what he’s gambled and lost them, a more secure future. Leave and tell his parents everything, before he takes loans from them under false pretences.

wereonthemarket · 10/10/2023 21:18

To echo everyone else incase it hasn't gone in yet. LEAVE HIM NOW.

Jamjaris · 10/10/2023 21:19

Had you been the one to come into money then you would of used it to get on the property ladder in both your names but as he was the one to receive it he felt it was all his and nothing to do with you or your children.
He has shown you who he truly is and who he really cares about … himself. He is not a good partner and you and your children deserve better.
He is not going to change, he is threatening you to not say anything as he doesn’t want his parents/ friends finding out how he has spunked the money, he is the type to tell people behind your back that you spent it all and get sympathy and make sure they keep quiet so the truth never gets out.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2023 21:19

He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save.

Tell his parents. He's lied to both you and his parents.

Time to protect yourself financially. Check he hasn't taken out joint loans etc.

Gather any information you can.

Get some legal advice, if he leaves can you put your name on the lease?

RJnomore1 · 10/10/2023 21:20

I would leave. If he is a gambler you will never have money for a stable life for you abs the children. You will end up bailing him out repeatedly and it’s only a matter of time until he runs up debt.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:20

We were talking the other night about money and I was asking him why he was so skint so early in the month. I then made a comment about saving £500 this month for Xmas and he said 'I can't believe you have £500 to save this month and you're watching me struggle' I reminded him that the £500 was for OUR childrens Xmas not for me. Then finding this out today has really really pissed me off more at that comment how dare he!

OP posts:
HowToSaveAWife · 10/10/2023 21:21

End the engagement, tell his parents everything then tell everyone else. Including what he called you when you confronted him. Addicts are savage when confronted and it's probably worse than what you're estimating.

Catza · 10/10/2023 21:21

It was his money and he chose to throw it away. What would I do? Find somewhere safe to live, pack the kids and when we are in a safe place, call his parents and tell them everything.
I would absolutely under no circumstances entertain a though of marrying or otherwise sharing assets with a gambler. You already needed up with debt from previous relationship and you are on your way to getting another one tied to your name if you marry this cunt.
Contact woman shelter organisation for advice, go stay with you parents, go stay with his parents if you have good relationship, ask your parents to have the kids while you surf on friend’s couch… do whatever you need to do to get out of this fast. Never entertain the thought of “I can’t leave because I have nowhere to go”. There is always somewhere to go even if it means sharing one room with your kids temporarily. Anything is going to be better than staying in this situation.

MotherEarthisaTerf · 10/10/2023 21:21

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:03

See I think he has possibly told his parents I'm a bit of a spender I am not. I do however keep the children in their clothes, shoes, uniforms and extracurricular activities as he never seems to have any money for those

You have kids with him and he’s hoarding 30k?!

fucking run

gamerchick · 10/10/2023 21:22

He's said he'll leave if you tell anyone. Tell his parents, especially if there's a chance he's blames you for it being gone.

See if he follows through on his threat.

You don't have a future with a gambler OP. You need to seperate finances and seperate.

SemperIdem · 10/10/2023 21:23

Run. Do not under any circumstances marry this man. Check he hasn’t taken out loans in your name.

As others have suggested, I think he has gambled all that money and if he really did owe his dad money, it’s because his dad bailed him out initially.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 10/10/2023 21:23

I would close the door firmly behind him on his way out, and lock it!

Hullabalooza · 10/10/2023 21:24

You absolutely must talk to his parents. How is your relationship with them? And yes, leave him.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:24

I'm seeing his mum on Friday as she is minding the youngest while we work. He is in a split shift and his parents live closer to his work so he's going there during his 'break'

I will see her before he's there so I'm thinking if I tell her she can then speak to him when he gets back and I can give her a bag for hom for the weekend and tell her I don't want him back home that night

OP posts: