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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 22:33

Get rid. He's an abusive gambler. Why on earth would you tie yourself to that?!

Tell his parents everything.

ArseMenagerie · 10/10/2023 22:33

Get. Rid.

booksandbeans · 10/10/2023 22:37

YABU for waiting to see if he leaves. Ditch the waste of space. You have 3 kids together & he cannot commit to buying a house? Time to get the ducks in a row, speak to CMS team, and move along.

EvilElsa · 10/10/2023 22:37

Very honestly, I would call off the engagement. I couldn't be with someone who gambled. It's an absolute no for me. I'd never be able to trust him with money in the future. My friend married a gambler and he sold her jewellery to make bets. Family jewellery handed down to her that she never got back.

MsJinks · 10/10/2023 22:45

Everyone around a gambling addict needs to know - it’s a risk to their finances if not - and a risk to the addict too really. His parents are not helping by covering or giving him cash, but it’s maybe difficult for them, or they don’t realise. I would definitely tell his mum but just very basic facts with as neutral a tone as you can muster, including you can’t risk him living with you and her grandchildren at the minute - leave out how betrayed you are etc - hopefully whatever she says to you she may well have her eyes opened and try to help her son.
Sad as it is for you I think you know it’s best to be all over - you can blame addiction but you can’t live well with it. I know you’ll be better all round without him - just takes time getting there but you will.

Fubar01 · 10/10/2023 22:49

I had similar issues with my FH , we had a savings pot and he would tell me every month that he had put this in or that in ! Well our rainy day came and I had to smash the pot and in a year I had put in around £800 and he had put in £25!!! When challenged he basically said that it wasn’t his responsibility!
I’ve never trusted him with money since .
I would be seriously concerned if he has spent that much on gambling whether you should buy a house with him anyway!

Cornishclio · 10/10/2023 22:51

Why should you leave? Tell him to go. Anyone with a gambling problem will be a drain on your finances. Just get your own financial ducks in a row and tell his parents they have raise a deadbeat son.

Nicole1111 · 10/10/2023 22:54

From what you’ve said it sounds like emotional abuse (name calling) is happening and potentially financial abuse. If I were you I’d be asking myself some serious questions about whether you even want to be in this relationship.

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money
Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 22:55

It was his money and his choice on how it should be spent and whether or not he wanted to share it. Sounds like he used it responsibly to pay off debts.

Imagwine · 10/10/2023 22:57

Absolutely tell the parents but more as a plea to help rather than slagging him off, if mum will get defensive.

UhohFibonacci · 10/10/2023 22:58

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

AbbeyGailsParty · 10/10/2023 22:59

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:30

Tbf he has an addictive personality. From we first met anytime he takes an interest in something he takes it to the extreme. He had an op at the start of the year and was house bound for three months that was when he got the money (the money was compensation from work) and he started looking at betting statistics and I guess it spiralled from there

Your first sentence —- sadly, this is exactly what I was going to say. One addiction can often replace another. And addicts are 100% selfish., as many of his comments to you show.
As a pp said, remove your name from any and all joint accounts. Gather all paperwork you can find to do with finances and make copies.
Work on separating asap. Life with an addict is hell.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 22:59

Serenity45 · 10/10/2023 20:54

He's angry because he is trying to deflect OP. He knows full well he's in the wrong. He's taken the potential of a more secure home away from you and your kids. He sounds like a selfish nasty cunt and I hope you don't tolerate such awful disrespectful behaviour.

With 3 kids things are more complicated, but make plans and leave. You deserve so much better than a lying gambler who verbally abuses you when you ask reasonable questions.

You can never trust an alcoholic, or a gambler. Both are addictions. He had the opportunity to make you and your 3dc have a secure home. Instead he chose to blow through £30k. I'd leave him and I'd be telling his parents why too.

UhohFibonacci · 10/10/2023 23:01

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines - previously banned poster.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 23:01

If he won't go you look for somewhere to rent for you and the kids. In the meanwhile don't cook for him, don't do any of his laundry, no sex, I'd not even speak to him.

ClairDeLaLune · 10/10/2023 23:02

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 22:55

It was his money and his choice on how it should be spent and whether or not he wanted to share it. Sounds like he used it responsibly to pay off debts.

Are you actually serious? Did you read any of this at all? He gambled some or possibly all of it away. He has 3 kids. The money could have improved their lives, but now it’s gone.

Please try to find a way to get rid of him OP.

Dita73 · 10/10/2023 23:10

Poor kids

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 23:11

Viviennemary · 10/10/2023 22:55

It was his money and his choice on how it should be spent and whether or not he wanted to share it. Sounds like he used it responsibly to pay off debts.

Are you for real???

He's got a partner and three kids and this could have got them on the housing ladder - and he's pissed it away gambling? FFS!

Takeabreather23 · 10/10/2023 23:13

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

I’d leave !!! End the relationship that’s what I’d do.
He’s speaking to you like crap and lying , blowing money. You will never have a decent life with this man .

AFieldGuideToTrees · 10/10/2023 23:17

You leave. You tell his parents.

It will only get worse now he's no lump sum to spend. He'll just drag you further down with him.

ConnieTucker · 10/10/2023 23:18

Tell his parents. Throw him out.

you will’ never have anything with him and he will take take take from his children.

LizzyLongbow · 10/10/2023 23:21

Please leave him. You will regret it if you don't.

GirlOfTudor · 10/10/2023 23:28

You've seen his true colours. Better now than when you e spent more time with him.
What grown man needs to give his dad £20k so he doesn't spend it? 🤦🏽‍♀️

VintageBlossomHill · 10/10/2023 23:30

Thedm · 10/10/2023 20:53

Leave him. Seriously. You have three kids and think of what that money could have done for them, but he gambled it away.
Leave him.

This ^ Never mind if he thinks that money is his alone or ours. He pissed away money that could have provided for his kids. Selfish excuse of a person

Firefly1987 · 10/10/2023 23:33

GirlOfTudor · 10/10/2023 23:28

You've seen his true colours. Better now than when you e spent more time with him.
What grown man needs to give his dad £20k so he doesn't spend it? 🤦🏽‍♀️

Someone who knows he's an addict! Honestly that was the sensible thing to do in his situation. Though sadly it seems he asked for it back and spent it.

The worst is probably over-he had a lump sum and couldn't control his addiction, now he has no money he won't be in the position to lose so much. If you stay with him though he won't be able to have access to any funds whatsoever because he'll spend until there's nothing. You should have a big sit down about getting his gambling under control if you want to stay with him.

I have gambling issues so I guess I know how easily it's done. It has nothing to do with love for family or being a bad person etc. it's VERY easy to lose large sums of money and when you're in the middle of it you're almost in a trance.

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