Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

[Summersunshine88]

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

he said if I tell anyone he will leave

Excellent. In that case I’d shout it from the rooftops.

Pack his stuff and say ok leave

That could explain how he and his brother got away with it then, parents bailing them out, hence you wouldn’t have noticed, if he was asking for smaller sums (to be honest I was wondering how you didn’t until now), then emotional chats with mum about it being for the kids, and all is forgotten… until the next time. Then the 30k was his in his bank so no one to even ask for money, so went wild with that.

I sort of agree with PP re the parents (I’m not sure, you know them best), if you think they’ll side with their precious boy (mum sounds like it) I’d tend to agree I’d watch how you frame it to them, so as not to aleniate them : as I’d try my chances at them hopefully them taking him in like the brother in the hope of supporting him in getting better, which would free up some money for CMS for you, maybe they’d support you in switching the rent to your name, hard to know, but just think about your kids if you think they’re likely to game play.

I agree otherwise with PP that you need to split for your own safety. Who knows what happens down the line, but with 3 kids it’s necessary, if it’s easier for you, try to at least frame it as a trial separation for a year where he lives with his parents, then you reevaluate (you cannot be the one who takes care of him, and given his reaction not the least remorseful really, it’s not a great start, so protect yourself).

Will you be able to afford the rent alone and possible benefits ?
If he can transfer the tenancy to your name while he either recovers or sinks at his parents, and you can keep up with that rent, it would be helpful.

He's got a good job, you say, and no access to your bank account?

Good!

Take the bar-steward for every penny you can in maintenance for your children. I know it's difficult, but as others have suggested, there are organisations which can help you so that you can find out your exact rights and entitlement. Your life if you stay with him will be dreadful, and your children will also suffer badly - and he will use them as a weapon against you and play them off against you, too! "Awful mummy won't let daddy take you to X and get you an ice cream - she has all the money and won't spend it. Daddy's money goes to pay the rent" They won't see that you are the one buying the daily stuff - they are young. They'll believe him. Don't let him spoil your relationship with them.

Hi everyone, he bares the hallmarks of someone unreliable and unreasonable, get out fast, he will never change

The good thing is you aren’t married. You’re not financially tied. Yes it was his money but it should go without saying that should have been for the good of your family. Without the protection of marriage, it was just based on trust and faith really.

however you can get out easy now. Don’t rely on his parents to side with you, I imagine he can do no wrong

Sorry OP, haven't RTFT but maybe his parents already know he has a problem?
The bit in your first post about his dad minding the money so your partner wouldn't spend it, then him telling his dad that you were now minding the money...all that is very strange.
You mind money for a child, maybe a teen, not for a grown adult with children, unless you know they have a problem of course.

This is a joke what a selfish M f@cker I would have left yesterday. You have three kids together and renting and he had a chance to change your future with that money and gambled the lot like wtf I would be fuming and he’s leaving you! I would be taking my kids and leaving him tomorrow.
He will never support you and those kids so you’re better off alone he doesn’t even buy uniforms and it sounds like not a penny of that money went on you or the kids.
LTB

@Summersunshine88 I wouldn't talk with his parents if I where you. This situation you are living is prone to a high drama as your husband is getting nasty and very defensive.

He has show you his true colours regarding money and by the look of it, you mentioned frequent stonewalling, he is a quite entitled man. I'm not advising you to leave but you should start to think more about the possibility or being on your own if he is more a burden than a help.

You NEED to tell his parents. He will have told them that you've had the lot!

I think it's fairly clear it's not "just" this 30k. His dad is enabling him by frequently bailing him out. You don't get to gamble away a lump sum like this when you've a young family. But in case you dont understand that, how do you justify him coming after the £500 saved by the OP for Xmas for the kids? Or justify all her money which goes on supporting the family?

Absolutely. Technically it was his money but he chose to gamble away the chance of stability for his children. Selfish, selfish, selfish.

Sorry this has happened to you OP, you must feel so awful right now after the money betrayal and his subsequent behaviour.
I couldn't just read and run as this really resonated with me, as I too was with a gambling addict and I had no idea until it all came to a head after I found out in a bizarre turn of events.
I tried to make it work with him when I found out about it, even after months and years of lying.
It was really hard to trust him after all the deceit but he promised never to do it again and that he would go to Gamblers Anonymous. I found myself slowly resenting him more and more every day for various reasons and I was actually relieved when I found out that he'd been gambling again.
He'd not paid the mortgage for months and was hiding the letters and was going to the casino and bookies when he was meant to be at Gamblers Anon. A relative of his died and left him a large amount of money which he didn't tell me about, even though I was having to subsidise him and pay for everything (apart from the mortgage, which he was meant to pay but didn't). He kept it a secret because he knew what he was going to do with it - he blew the whole lot in one day, gambling. He'd also stolen a large amount of money from his friends that was meant to be for a team sports related kitty.
His parents didn't help either, they were told by the gambling counsellor that the worst thing to do was to financially bail him out but they kept doing it and doing it - in the end I think it was to the tune of £45k-50k. Of course he didn't see any consequence to his gambling and lying - as he knew his parents would bail him out and that I had taken him back previously so would probably do it again. Boy was he wrong. By the time all this came out again, I actually hated him and couldn't even look at him, he repulsed me. His solution, when I found out was for us to get married. I almost threw up on his face. I couldn't even bear to be in the same room for five minutes, never mind be financially linked to a credit file nightmare. The point is that it's not easy to get past something so deceitful, and it can give the impression that there is no reason for him not to gamble as you will take him back, no matter what he does.
Luckily, in my case, the house we lived in was just his. I left with my (not his) daughter into a new house and since then I've never looked back. I left with literally nothing and had to start again from scratch. I still remember the relief I felt on the first night in my new house, it was an amazing feeling. A few years later, I met my soul mate who I've been married to for 7 years and we are blissfully happy together as he's also an amazing dad to my daughter. I've also bettered myself by going to uni and have landed a dream job with and amazing salary as I vowed never to be even half financially dependent on anyone.
My advice is to run. His behaviour since you've found out has been awful OP. He's showed you who he is so believe him. Can you go to your local housing office and explain the situation? There may be some help available to get you out of his house so you can get on with giving yourself and your children the best life you all deserve, instead of being stuck with this abusive, selfish man. I know it's hard to even think about starting fresh without him but you can't stay in your current situation, it sounds horrible.
Please, take action now, leave and don't look back, get onto the CMS about him paying for your children. He's spent enough on gambling already, don't give him chance to defer funds that could help your kids to the bookies or casino.
I really hope you take this advice and that of many other PPs and make plans to leave ASAP. Good luck OP, I know the feelings you are experiencing well, so feel free to message me privately if you need to talk x

I spoke to his mum this morning she sounded shocked. Ugh feel drained waiting on him ringing now going mad at me telling his business

Many years ago, I was in a relationship with a man who shafted me big time. I called his mother to ask her what was going on. She was oblivious to his actions but she said this to me, and I’ll never forget it. She said “he’s my son and so I’ll always stand by him, but it doesn’t mean I agree with him or condone his behaviour at all. My best advice to you is to move on with your life, without him, and don’t look back.” The poor woman was heartbroken, as was I, but she was right.
Expect the same will happen here.
You are doing the right thing, he’s not. Let him react and show his true colours, it’s all in your favour.

Sorry OP but i agree with this. He can't be trusted financially.

What an amazing response from his mum. I was in a very similar situation with my ex's mother and I still mourn the loss of a relationship between me and her 20 years later (I followed her advice).

His mum said she isn't sure if the arrangement he had with his dad but she said she was under the impression that there had to be two signatures to remove the money from wherever the dad had it. She is gonna speak to the dad and find out what is going on.

Sorry you’re going through this. He sounds horrendous. He’s either gambled it all away or is hiding it.
I wouldn’t forgive this!

You aren't married so technically it's not your money, but morally you're not wrong. You have kids with him? Ugh.

You're as bad as he is!!

Him giving the money to his dad so that he wouldn’t spend it should have been a massive red flag. I mean, he’s not 14

He’s a gambler and a liar. You can’t marry him, you know that.

£30,000, when you have 3 children together. All gone. Are the children his?
Either way, it’s unforgivable

Build a stable home and life for your kids and leave him to it. You’ll never really get that trust back, or knowing he has his family’s future in his hands and he chose to blow it and didn’t even have the decency to come clean and admit his mistakes.

The fact he hasn’t instantly apologised and instead is somehow twisting this into YOUR fault beggars belief.

You said your kids have seen the atmospheres from your arguments so remove them from it and breathe a sigh of relief you weren’t financially tied to this guy.

He's not trustworthy, he's not an equal partner and he's prioritising himself and his addiction to gambling over you and his children and making their future more secure. I'd be done.

I'd start making plans to leave, think about who you could stay with while you get some money together or if your family etc would help you with the deposit and first month's rent in advance on your own place. I understand that he's got an addiction, but until he takes responsibility for himself and his actions and actively is in the process of getting help for it and you see changes in him, then he cannot be the husband or parent you need him to be . You need to take steps to protect what you do have. If you've a joint account I'd seriously consider moving that into your account so he can't gamble it right away. If he gets angry or in any way threatening you call the police and they will remove him from your home. Then you get the locks changed.

Buying a house with him would have been an awful idea. You'd never feel secure and if he didn't look after his share you could be left in debt too. I'd actually be tempted to contact your landlord to make sure your rent etc has been paid as it should be. He could be in more debt than you realise.

You're not alone in this, and you won't be the last woman to have their partner do this. So ignore those criticising you for having babies with him, noone is all bad or all good. I'd go for counselling though or join a support group for families of gambling addicts. It's a huge betrayal and he's trying to gaslight you so he can get away with taking responsibility for his actions and he's upended your life and all that your dc know in the process and that's a lot of hurt to sort through. You deserve support in this as well. You deserve so much better.

He has gambled the lot. For sure

i know what gambling addicts are like