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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
SíDoMhamóí · 11/10/2023 05:32

The grandiosity (wrt his bosses) is another trait of a gambler. Run like the wind from this man. I also think you should tell the parents because I reckon there is a back story there, regarding money, and this is why he really doesn't want them to know about this. Gamblers lie and cheat everyone. Read Tony 10

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 05:44

Here is what I would do. I'd play this for him...
and then help him pack. Did he really owe money to his parents and stuff or did he just waste it all? I'd tell.

Gloria Gaynor - I Will Survive (Lyrics)

Support The Channel - https://www.buymeacoffee.com/YoungPilgrim

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ihUF8pbphbk

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 05:51

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:55

The rent is in his name I asked him today to leave and give me some space and he refused he told me to go but I have nowhere to go with the kids

I am so so disappointed in him

Tell him you are going to tell his parents EVERYTHING if he doesn't leave and follow through with it.

Tell him it's over, call women's aid, your family, a friend. Heck, tell his parents he won't leave and you have no where to go.

Before that, close out any joint bank accts and make sure he cannot touch yours. I hope you were not letting him control the money.

He's shown how abusive he can be when he doesn't want to face facts. Don't let him con you because he IS a con artist and probably a gambler. Unless he is on drugs or has someone on the side because the money had to go somewhere and that's a LOT of money to fritter away.

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 05:57

WowOK · 10/10/2023 21:06

You need to remove your name off of every joint account.

He is either a gambler and hugely financially irresponsible or hiding money. In all honesty I don't think you had any right to his lump sum but I'd be pissed off that he spunked it up the wall instead of ensuring security for his kids.

He cares about gambling more than his children. You will never have any money. He will always be chasing the cash and you'll be poor and miserable. LTB now.

But if OP got a big bonus, people would expect her to use it for family bills and expenses. The same goes for him. If it isn't family money than might as well keep your paychecks for yourself too, since it's your money and let everything go to rot.
There is no difference between a large sum and a paycheck when you have children; their security and needs come first.

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 06:02

beetr00 · 10/10/2023 21:13

It was his money but....

He totally mislead you into thinking a proportion of it would be used for your family.

You must be completely shocked.

And his paycheck is his and her paycheck is hers. I guess the children are going to need to earn their own paychecks.
When you have children, there is no such thing as YOUR money as long as there are expenses for the children and the possibility to make them more secure in a house that isn't rented. Not saying he couldn't have taken a little bit, but I am guessing he did not really owe his parents, he just needed to deceive her, so he could spend some....then more.....then all

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 06:07

HowToSaveAWife · 10/10/2023 21:21

End the engagement, tell his parents everything then tell everyone else. Including what he called you when you confronted him. Addicts are savage when confronted and it's probably worse than what you're estimating.

And if he gave you a ring, sell it. Don't give it back.

I cannot believe he actually has the audacity to make YOU feel bad because you are saving for your children's Christmas. He would take that money from you in a heartbeat as he has probably spent his check. I mean, gambled most of it away.

echinaceadreams · 11/10/2023 06:12

Oh OP, don't marry him. Will your salary cover rent of your own?

Lengokengo · 11/10/2023 06:13

Hé has shown you exactly what he thinks of you and the kids. Your priority is ZERO in his eyes. No little gift or treat or anything when he got his compensation? Not a thing on holiday? Wanting to take the kids Xmas money (and bring snotty about it!?)

cancel anything joint.
Get payslips copied and all key documents
tell his parents calmly and factually the events (but don’t expect their support)
when you are able to, get him to leave. If he won’t then you need to.

It’s hard, but the alternative is far far worse.

Thoughtful2355 · 11/10/2023 06:27

For me... I'd be really hurt he didn't want to share it with me and would have rather spent it on gambling, did he not think to at least do a family holiday or treat you and the kids? No he'd rather flush it down the drain and give it to other people. I'd leave and be telling everyone it's because he's a gambling addict that just flushed 20k of your children's future down the toilet.

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 06:45

AlmostAJillSandwich · 11/10/2023 00:15

You keep referring to it as "our" savings, but he's right, it was his comp money and nothing to do with you, you have no claim to it. You jumped the gun making plans to use it as a house deposit, it wasn't yours to make plans with. Maybe he doesn't WANT to buy and have a mortgage. Same with the house, rented in his name (presumably you're not on the tennancy because of your IVA?) but you're asking him to move out and stay elsewhere, and planning to dump a bag of his stuff at his mums this weekend and not "having him home". No, if someones leaving because you want space, it should be you, you've no right to kick him out of his own bloody home.
As long as he's not gambling what you've earned and only his own money, and he's still covering his share of bills, i don't think you're justified getting angry at what he spends the rest of his income on.

Except for the verbal abuse he laid on her and his ignoring his children who could use a bit of financial stability. When you have children, there is no MY money when you live month to month. He could have taken a bit and had it all to himself but he took the lot, like typical gambling addict does.

You are right though, she should leave him, far behind. Since you seem to think he's good dud, how about you PM her your number and she can pass it on to him.

You sound perfect for each other.

BringMeTea · 11/10/2023 06:46

3 kids with this prince among men? NOW is the time to end this shitty relationship OP.

Shoxfordian · 11/10/2023 06:49

Yep; end the relationship and look for somewhere else to live asap- he’s not a good man

autumn1610 · 11/10/2023 06:49

Your partner clearly has a gambling addiction and until he admits that then there is no way forward. No one who likes the odd gamble will continue to loose money to that extent, someone with an addiction try’s to win their losses back. That’s what I found anyway. my partner had a gambling addiction and they aren’t all scum like people make out on here, he has fought his addiction and only now a good 5/6years later is finally loosing the black marks against his name. If you’re looking to buy a house you need transparency as if he does have debts or missed payments he’s not getting on the mortgage anyway. He needs to be honest with you and drop his attitude until he does that there is no way forward. To get through it you need complete honesty - I had his bank card at first, then access to online banking and credit report. I knew everything financial and he could not do much without me knowing for a long time.

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/10/2023 06:53

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 06:45

Except for the verbal abuse he laid on her and his ignoring his children who could use a bit of financial stability. When you have children, there is no MY money when you live month to month. He could have taken a bit and had it all to himself but he took the lot, like typical gambling addict does.

You are right though, she should leave him, far behind. Since you seem to think he's good dud, how about you PM her your number and she can pass it on to him.

You sound perfect for each other.

Show quote history

Did you mean dud or dude? Nice Freudian slip there.

And I agree with what pretty much everyone else is saying op. You would be much better off on your own before he destroys your life and financial stability, which you’re just getting back.

newnamethanks · 11/10/2023 07:05

OP, you have to lose him, your life will be hell. Don't enter into any more commitments with him. Good luck.

Floopsy · 11/10/2023 07:06

I'm so sorry this is happening OP. What a callous worthless man he is. He watches you, every month, deny yourself so you can save for your kids and your family's future. He's happy to take from you, indeed he expects you to support him financially, when he's. 'a bit short'. Then he comes into a decent amount of money and he pisses it away. You and your kids' future, happiness and security are so low down on his list of priorities that he's more bothered about you not telling his mummy. Add to that the fact that he's a complete and utter financial liability. Does he support you in other ways?

Epidote · 11/10/2023 07:14

Depends of how he got that money, a bonus salary is different that an inheritance. In any case if you where thinking in buying a house the sensible thing to do was get at least some of that money into the deposit.

The shouting, the gambling and the rest of his behaviour are huge red flags.

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 07:28

Mummyoflittledragon · 11/10/2023 06:53

Did you mean dud or dude? Nice Freudian slip there.

And I agree with what pretty much everyone else is saying op. You would be much better off on your own before he destroys your life and financial stability, which you’re just getting back.

Show quote history

I rarely wear skirts or dresses so no Freudian slip for me. 😎😉

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 07:36

Epidote · 11/10/2023 07:14

Depends of how he got that money, a bonus salary is different that an inheritance. In any case if you where thinking in buying a house the sensible thing to do was get at least some of that money into the deposit.

The shouting, the gambling and the rest of his behaviour are huge red flags.

I agree. I think with an inheritance, it's fine if someone wants to spend a bit on themselves; though I still think some should also benefit the family, especially with children.

But is comp money in lieu of a salary? (I don't know so I am asking). If it was in lieu of a salary (or to cover a partial salary while off work), then it all should be the family's money since he went a time earning little to none. If it was in addition to getting full pay, then he could have kept a bit out for himself but again, he has children who need security, and family, money for an emergency, deposit for a home, education, even a holiday.

WowOK · 11/10/2023 07:38

Nanaof1 · 11/10/2023 05:57

But if OP got a big bonus, people would expect her to use it for family bills and expenses. The same goes for him. If it isn't family money than might as well keep your paychecks for yourself too, since it's your money and let everything go to rot.
There is no difference between a large sum and a paycheck when you have children; their security and needs come first.

Show quote history

If OP got a lump sum I would expect her to protect her own interests. I would advise her to stash exit plan money and not be dictated on how she spends it.

If I got a 30k lump sum my DH would want a new car, holiday and lots of trainers. That's not happening. I'd pay off debts, put and put money in the kids back accounts.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 11/10/2023 07:47

Thanks for all the advice just getting the kids out to school he left before me this morning in silence he is completely stonewalling me which he has a tendency to do. I hate the kids feeling an atmosphere so I usually give in. I am by no means a saint I am quite argumentative about money but it in no way excuses this.

the only thing he said last night was that he didn't want to tell me as he didn't want to see the disappointment in my face when I found out and that it keeps him up at night (well he is snoring before me every night so that's another lie)

I think I will ring his parents today to give them a heads up and ask them not to speak to him about it until Friday. His family are well off a lot more compared to my family. I grew up on benefits with strict parents who are amazing they taught us a lot and made sure the four of us all got educated and all have good jobs. He was raised getting everything he wanted and obviously spoilt dropped out of two uni courses and got a good job because of his dad's connections. No money worries every whereas I always grew up knowing money was tight

OP posts:
Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 11/10/2023 07:48

We don't have any joint accounts and he has no access to my money

OP posts:
Ilovelifeverymuch · 11/10/2023 08:01

Afterschoolrun · 10/10/2023 20:49

I would kick him out he's a massive loser do not marry him. Leave leave leave.

Easier said than done when she already has 3 kids for him. Classic putting the cart before the horse.

Nopenopenopenopenopenope · 11/10/2023 08:07

Keeping it quiet enables the behaviour. Tell his parents.

Emotionalsupportviper · 11/10/2023 08:19

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves

He will leave?

HE will leave?

Bugger that for a game of soldiers! Throw him out - he doesn't get the option here. He has lied, deprived his family of a huge asset, blamed his parents for at least some of it disappearing and is now putting the onus on to you?

You and your children deserve better. Line up your ducks and get yourself sorted. Your future doesn't need to be with this unreliable liar who will have your family on the streets because he doesn't pay bills, and will probably end up taking out huge pains in your name and leaving them for YOU to pay off (the number of women this has happened to is staggering).

Gambling addiction is just as destructive as any other. Please, for the sake of your children and your own sanity, leave this man now.