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AIBU?

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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
tunapokebowl · 10/10/2023 21:42

Do not marry him OP. You will become jointly responsible for his future debts from his gambling addiction.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:44

We got nothing from the 30k he didn't buy us anything but I didn't mind because it was our savings. Even the holiday in July we split it as we always do there were no Luxaries for us. I handed back my lovely spacious 2019 car last year and bought a cheap run around to save us £300 a month. I took nothing from him

OP posts:
Peacelily001 · 10/10/2023 21:44

OP my great aunt was left her mother-in-law’s house when she died.
She wouldn’t leave it to her son as he was a gambling addict and she knew the house would be gambled away from under her D-in-law and grandchildren if she left it to her son.

It’s supposedly one of the hardest addictions to beat. LTB.

ActDottie · 10/10/2023 21:46

Yanbu tbh it sounds like he has money issues and I just could not be bothered with that! I’d leave him and consider it a lucky escape.

Hes basically lied to you about the money. It was yours and his security together for buying a home in the future.

If he got the money and said I don’t want it to be for a house together etc. I want to spend it all on X Y and Z I’d probably say YABU and have more respect for him.

Newmama67 · 10/10/2023 21:47

Oh OP, I’m so sorry, but so glad he stalled with the house. And thank God you’re not married to him to have to share your money possibly. I’d leave him. Even if you got the house you’ve been waiting for, you wouldn’t enjoy it and you’d constantly live in fear of losing it.

That money could have been used to ensure you have property to leave to your children one day, or a decent starting point for a savings account for their future studies or own house deposits. What a selfish, selfish man. Being selfish towards one’s partner or wife is bad enough but your own children? Unforgivable, no matter how addicted he is.

Dotcheck · 10/10/2023 21:48

Jesus OP
Your last few posts are all about making excuses for him.
‘His dad sends money for bets’
’If we are going to get through this ( he hasn’t apologised, or acknowledged what he has done, but ok)
’He had an op’

Just stop!

And don’t get his mum involved in taking his bag, telling him he can’t return- that’s unfair.

Asleepwhilstmeditating · 10/10/2023 21:51

Run.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:51

Sorry what I mean about his dad sending him money for bets isn't about making excuses I meant that so his parents can see there is an issue and doing joint bets isn't helpful to sorting it out

OP posts:
ChaToilLeam · 10/10/2023 21:52

Ditch this waster. What a selfish prick he is.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:53

I have been thinking for a while he's a bit narcissistic

he has a really high opinion of himself in work he will tell me that the 'bosses' will come to him for advice. Like he gives out all this good advice but his life is in the shit. I have pulled him up on that before and told him to wise up and stop telling lies but he is adamant he's so full of wisdom and people can see that in him

OP posts:
justasking111 · 10/10/2023 21:54

My friends granny died leaving £250k it was given to her mother because my friends husband was such a waste of space . My friend was given 25k to spend on the house for improvements. Her husband took charge getting quotes etc. Within three months every penny had gone. Husband had a diamond ear stud a very expensive watch, the rest spent at the pub and the bookies. Not a penny left for the house.

This is why the OP needs to throw him out now. The landlord can amend the tenancy

babyproblems · 10/10/2023 21:59

So he has a gambling problem. You know he cannot be trusted… look at getting your ducks in a row and ditch this lead weight from your life. He brings nothing to your life. My DH’s father was a gambler and eventually his mum left with him and his sibling when they were 11 & 13, after his dad had gambled all their life savings and had run up huge huge debts in secret. They lost their family home. He never changed. You’ve had a lucky escape this has happened now. It’s a horrible truth to hear but he hasn’t cared a monkeys about you having a home as a family. Having a bet is more important to him.
stay strong and please do tell whoever you want that he has behaved so terribly and that therefore your trust was gone. You have nothing to be ashamed of and he’s chosen to behave in that way and therefore be judged on it accordingly. Sending you a big hug x

Gcsunnyside23 · 10/10/2023 22:04

I couldn't wait to Friday I'd be telling everyone now. I would be wary of his mum being on your side by how you described. You deserve better op

IAmHeartless · 10/10/2023 22:04

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:55

The rent is in his name I asked him today to leave and give me some space and he refused he told me to go but I have nowhere to go with the kids

I am so so disappointed in him

This tells you everything you need to know about how he views your family. He would rather put your children in a displaced home and worse circumstances than move himself out. And it sounds like his parents would be happy to have him.

SeeTheWorldAnotherWay · 10/10/2023 22:05

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:53

I have been thinking for a while he's a bit narcissistic

he has a really high opinion of himself in work he will tell me that the 'bosses' will come to him for advice. Like he gives out all this good advice but his life is in the shit. I have pulled him up on that before and told him to wise up and stop telling lies but he is adamant he's so full of wisdom and people can see that in him

He’s an addict. He’s a liar. He’s delusional. Until he recognises these things there’s not a hope in hell that him, or anything, will change.
FWIW, I’d tackle him directly rather than via his mum. Own your decision, boundaries and choices in a way that he can’t, or won’t.
Think of what your kids are learning from this.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 10/10/2023 22:05

He is threatening to leave?

Help him pack!

Autumnleaves89 · 10/10/2023 22:05

OP this is devastating. I’m not one for throwing about LTBs on here but I honestly think I’d end my relationship over this. He is a selfish bastard who has fucked you and your kids over and completely broken your trust. I just couldn’t move on.

5128gap · 10/10/2023 22:06

If you ever want to even get close to your dreams for yourself and your children, owning a house, feeling secure, not worrying about bills, reliable car, holidays, whatever, you must take this opportunity to get rid of him.
Because with him, I promise you, you will not achieve anything like what you could without him. Everytime you get ahead, he will pull you back. Everything you gain, he will lose.
If you forgive this, you will miss your chance to get out and get started alone. You'll drift on until he does something similar or worse.
Its scary to upend your life when you've three children, but if you don't, your future looks scarier still.

thaisweetchill · 10/10/2023 22:07

It doesn't sound like communication was clear from the start what the money was going to be used for (clearly because he knew what it was going on!) however, I don't think you're unreasonable in thinking the money should have gone on a house for your family. My view is big money is to go on something for the family I.e house/ improvements/car or a holiday which would benefit all.

I have some shares maturing at the end of the year, only about a grand but we're currently renovating some parts of the house and my plan is put it towards the bathroom, I told DP this and he said 'why don't you just spend it on yourself you've being doing these shares for years', whilst it would be lovely to do that I'd much rather us all benefit from it. You also say your breath better because of money worries, I completely feel that. I've just gone back full time now DC has started school and the relief I feel to have some extra money to be able to save really makes me feel a lot lighter. Again this money is going on the house. I would expect my partner to do the exact same (he does and has put a lot more money in to this house than I have).

Moral of the story, get out and find someone who will put you first and not a gambling addiction. It doesn't sound like you need him anyway you clearly take care of the kids and their finances, doesn't sound like he cares one ounce!

User1789 · 10/10/2023 22:14

'he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.'

Those are not words that should be spoken by a father of three.

MadeForThis · 10/10/2023 22:15

He won't stop. He's still lying. You need to leave.

Silvers11 · 10/10/2023 22:24

@Summersunshine88 - I doubt he EVER gave the Money to his Dad to be honest. And now he's telling you NOT to tell his parents, or anyone else? I would be telling them - and everyone else and I wouldn't be waiting until Friday to do it either. Who knows what he may say to his parents and friends etc between now and Friday?

I further suspect that it ALL went on Gambling Debts too

So sorry this has happened to you

EezyOozy · 10/10/2023 22:25

I would leave. I did leave a fiancé for being a gambling addict in fact. (Although no kids).

This guy is a dead weight.

KissyMissy · 10/10/2023 22:26

User1789 · 10/10/2023 22:14

'he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.'

Those are not words that should be spoken by a father of three.

👏 so true

MoulinPouge · 10/10/2023 22:27

I pity him having a gambling addiction. What a terrible way to live your life. Nevertheless, it doesn't matter how pitiable he is, or about any other attributes he does or doesn't have. Or even that he's the father of your children.

His gambling addiction (and denial) means that he will spend everything you have leaving you penniless, whilst lying about it. He will steal from you and your children.

It's terrible about the £30k but that's not what this is about. It's about all of your financial assets going forward being lost. It's actually very lucky in a way that you've found out just how bad his problem is by him losing £30k of his own money. There may also be much more debt that you don't know about too, but thank god you aren't married.

A choice to remain with him is a choice for you and your children to be financially destroyed. This disaster is small fry compared to where his addiction could/will take you all. You must cut yourself off from him as soon as you can.