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Original poster

Was I wrong for thinking this was our money

246 replies

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 20:45

ok so for background

engaged, live together and have three kids

at the start of the year my partner came into some money (30k) this was huge for us to me it meant we could finally get on the property ladder.

Dp owed his parents some money and had a few other debts so ultimately he was left with around20k which he told me he was giving to his dad to keep so he wouldn't spend it.

anytime I mentioned about us starting to get serious about buying a house he would bit my head off. I noticed him buying a few items and when I would ask how he afforded it he told me oh I put this on our curry's account.

two months ago I broached the subject of buying a house and he said he owed more money to parents than he thought and that he now had 14k left. I was annoyed but thought it's still better than nothing.

well today after him complaining of having no money after just getting paid I asked him again how much his dad still had belonging to him he went mad shouting at me for asking. I then said to him I would be more upset if he has less left and wasn't letting on than if he just told me. He has nothing left. He told his dad he was taking the money back to give to me to save. He gambled 6k apparently but I definitely think it's more. His argument now is why i thought the money was 'ours' it had nothing to do with me.

I am so upset we both work full time so he in no way 'keeps' me but we can never dream of saving that much in the near future so I thought this was our chance. I feel like telling his parents exactly what has happened but he said if I tell anyone he will leave. The names I have been called tonight I really don't care if he leaves. What would you do?

OP posts:
Someoneonlyyouknow · 10/10/2023 21:25

He thinks saying he will leave is a threat. Let him leave. In fact do whatever it takes to make him go. He's confident you won't leave without the children but I bet would sh*t himself if you walked out and left him to cope. He needs help and that doesn't include you financing his gambling addiction. You will never be secure while with him.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/10/2023 21:25

It does seem like he has a gambling addiction and obviously it is a huge shame that he’s gambled all of that money and not told you. It was his money, and I suppose at that point he feels he can spend it however he likes whether that’s 30k worth of clothes/jewellery/car or gambling. Either way, he’s wasted it now. You’ve said in your post that you saw this as a way of you getting a house but it’s not clear whether he actually said that? Either way he’s wasted it now, the money is gone.

I don’t know what the logic is with telling his parents, he’s not a child, it’s between you and him and so there’s no need or point to involving his parents. Leave him and then yeah you can tell them why you’ve separated, but beyond that I don’t see any point running to them with this information.

If I was you I would just take this as a wake up call, a lucky escape you’ve found out about his addiction before you’re married and any debts of his become debts of yours, and leave him. Gambling is a really difficult addiction to beat and as he’s showed you, he will put that above money for your family. Get out with your children while you can.

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 10/10/2023 21:25

Jamjaris · 10/10/2023 21:19

Had you been the one to come into money then you would of used it to get on the property ladder in both your names but as he was the one to receive it he felt it was all his and nothing to do with you or your children.
He has shown you who he truly is and who he really cares about … himself. He is not a good partner and you and your children deserve better.
He is not going to change, he is threatening you to not say anything as he doesn’t want his parents/ friends finding out how he has spunked the money, he is the type to tell people behind your back that you spent it all and get sympathy and make sure they keep quiet so the truth never gets out.

Not only that but having blown £30k in under a year - he's now got his eye on the £500 you were saving for your kid's Christmas.
He's literally wanting to take their Christmas presents, clothes and shoes away from them.
He knows there's £500 in savings in the pot and he wants it for himself.

You can't win with this one.

Hocuspocusnonsense · 10/10/2023 21:26

I would tell him to leave.

The problem here is not the £6k he gambled away, although I suspect it was a lot more! The problem is the gambling addiction.

He’s calling you names, threatening to leave if you confront him about the money and telling you it wasn’t shared money anyway…. He has a gambling addiction that he isn’t admitting to. That is a HUGE problem.

I grew up with a gambling addicted dad.

If you stay together you will always struggle for money and always have debts. His gambling addiction will come before you and your children.

shivawn · 10/10/2023 21:27

I'm sorry OP, sounds like a very difficult situation. Gambling is such a scary addiction, gamblers can lose everything in a moment. Its especially difficult because he isn't in a place where he wants to communicate with you or seek help. Has he had a history of gambling in the past?

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:28

So his brother has a gambling problem too and my partner 'helped' him through it. Brought him to the parents house etc this was about six months ago. He was so concerned about his brother yet he knew he was pissing about with 30k I am so angry I want go out now

OP posts:
TeeedleDum · 10/10/2023 21:29

OP this is an awful situation. I'm so gutted for you and your kids.

I have one friend who's partner lost a similar amount of money (his inheritance) through stocks - I think the difference there was he was also devastated, so apologetic and agreed to join a gambling programme. They've managed to work through it but it wasn't easy.

However as he has not only done this but not taken responsibility and been threatening to you I must agree with everyone else. I would seek legal advice through citizen advice bureau and have a meeting with his parents if your relationship is good enough for that. I would also make sure he has no access to any of your money (e.g get new cards and change passwords).

Best of luck to you and kids x

Meowandthen · 10/10/2023 21:29

This man has prioritised gambling over you and his children.

That should be enough to know you need to get rid.

Best of luck to you. You deserve better.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 21:29

You've had three children with an immature dickhead with an addiction. (Hint: it's a massive clue to their commitment to your future when they think children first, then engagement that can last forever and a day rather than engagement first, then marriage, then children. I know, it's old-fashioned!)
I'd definitely tell his parents the whole story as he seems to value their opinion of him. With any evidence that you can rustle up as proof.
And then kick him out on his arse. He doesn't deserve you and he doesn't deserve his chlldren.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:30

Tbf he has an addictive personality. From we first met anytime he takes an interest in something he takes it to the extreme. He had an op at the start of the year and was house bound for three months that was when he got the money (the money was compensation from work) and he started looking at betting statistics and I guess it spiralled from there

OP posts:
Meowandthen · 10/10/2023 21:32

Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:30

Tbf he has an addictive personality. From we first met anytime he takes an interest in something he takes it to the extreme. He had an op at the start of the year and was house bound for three months that was when he got the money (the money was compensation from work) and he started looking at betting statistics and I guess it spiralled from there

Don’t make excuses for his shitty behaviour.

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:33

I feel I need to tell his parents as his dad sends him money to do his bets for him. I think if he has any way of beating this addiction he needs to stop even looking at gambling so the dad needs to know

OP posts:
Pallisers · 10/10/2023 21:34

He either gambled it all away or he gave it to his parents and asked them to keep it so you wouldn't benefit from it. I'm 50/50 on which one it is.

Either way, this relationship is done. Start figuring out how to rent on your own OP and get away from him.

How did he manage for money etc when he was housebound? Bet he relied on you to do everything. arse.

pizzaHeart · 10/10/2023 21:34

Codlingmoths · 10/10/2023 21:13

Tell the whole world. Tell his parents he never has any money so you have to pay for everything for the children- shoes clothes haircuts everything, and he’s just frittered thousands away and you don’t trust him and you’re not a team. I think it’s really important his parents know as they will continue to believe his lies otherwise while they might be helpful if they know the truth, and he has to leave anyway. This relationship is done.

This^ 100%
And the money were yours too and mainly kids to provide for them.
Copy documents, gather essentials just in case, leave and then tell everyone why you left. You clearly don’t know this person with whom you have 3 kids so be careful. Next time he will gamble YOUR money taken from you.

saraclara · 10/10/2023 21:34

Yes, tell his mum. You've nothing to lose at this point. He says he'll leave you if you do, but you (surely?) want him to leave. And his mum can at least take him in (though I feel for her too...another son with an addiction that she has to worry about)

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/10/2023 21:37

HowToSaveAWife · 10/10/2023 21:21

End the engagement, tell his parents everything then tell everyone else. Including what he called you when you confronted him. Addicts are savage when confronted and it's probably worse than what you're estimating.

I agree with this. I think he probably owes his mum and dad money on top of all this. He can't understand how you have £500 and make him so far? What about his £30,000!

Original poster
Summersunshine88 · 10/10/2023 21:38

His mum is a typical my boys do no wrong mum. She's nice enough but last year we were on holiday and he borrowed the dads credit card for our car hire but we gave the dad the cash (as neither of us have one) well little did I know he was spending on his dads cc while we were away the dad rang and gave off at him. I was mortified so when we got home I told the mum u had no idea he was using it and she looked kind of annoyed and said oh it's all sorted now don't worry. So I don't know how she will actually take this

OP posts:
bonzaitree · 10/10/2023 21:38

DONT MARRY HIM

Yellowshirt · 10/10/2023 21:39

I tried to involve my Ex wife's parents when I found out she had run up massive debts mainly in my name. It actually back fired as her parents absolutely refused to help us and turned there backs on both of us. As long as they could see there grand daughter everyday they were not interested.
It also made my Ex wife more careful in hiding debts and the financial abuse I didn't actually realise I was suffering.
Please be very careful involving them. I wish I hadn't wasted my time involving them and should of started the divorce 4 years earlier.

Riverlee · 10/10/2023 21:39

If he gambl30ed 30k, then you’ll never trust him with money again. Mits okay to have a bit of ‘fun money’ when you come into a windfall - buy a nice watch, car, holiday, but not gamble 30k!

Jay3004 · 10/10/2023 21:40

I could have written a similar thread myself last year. Please do yourself and your kids a favour and leave this man. Believe me, from personal experience, you’re just going to find out more and more and they can’t tell the truth.

determinedtomakethiswork · 10/10/2023 21:40

Maybe you should talk to the father rather than the mother? It sounds like he knows a bit more what his son is like

Mindyaownbeeswax · 10/10/2023 21:40

I know a recovering addict - he's been clean now for 15 years. Won't even do the kids school raffle. He went to Gamblers Anonymous and still goes now - he's told me some right old stories. Your partner has a problem and keeping things secret isn't going to help anyone. His parents need to know the whole truth - about you (not being a spender!!) too!!! He's embarrassed and on the defensive. He'll try anything to save face I imagine. When you can change the locks and leave his stuff at his mum's. You'll never be ok together whilst he's not getting help.

Hellofromtheotherslide · 10/10/2023 21:41

He wants to gamble the kids Christmas presents/clothes/activities after blowing 30k where his children have nothing to show for it. That is how far down the pecking order you and your kids needs are to him. It's despicable greed, I'm not even a parent but when I came into a little bit of money, my nieces and nephews were the first to benefit from it. I really cannot imagine being an actual parent of children and not wanting to indulge them after walking the tight rope for a while. He should be ashamed of himself.

Mistressanne · 10/10/2023 21:42

@Summersunshine88 so he’s a thief too.
Seriously raise your standards.