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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 17:23

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 17:20

Do you own any other property?

If not, and you're paying the mortgage on a house you expect your SIL to inherit, aren't you at risk of being made homeless one day?

Show quote history

Mortgage is paid by DH but ofc i pay half which is fair. My view is SIL will get it because she is money hungry, i cant say for sure but DH seems to think that wont happen. I have a shared property through my own family so homeless wont be an issue.

OP posts:
Ormally · 10/10/2023 17:25

The other thing I will say is that 13 year olds are acquisitive and some can be manipulative: they want a lot of things and they want them right now! They are a bit like toddlers but with fancier vocabulary.

I wanted to say this too - there's a big change from 11-12 years, as far as I can see (when they seem quite easy to hang out with, chatty, and reasonable). Enter 13 and in comes a lot more of majorly stroppy, or more socially mortified to be seen interacting in public with anyone related to you, into the mix.

Although it very much varies on the branch and the queue and the teen, Costa in particular will sometimes refuse to serve their drinks with a caffeine content to the under-16s, so possibly this is something that means the OP is seen as quite useful, as well as going for the high end of the drinks menu. I'd also think that either the parents don't often go to coffee shops with the niece, or that when they do, they would assume that the choices will be the more everyday drinks so it doesn't get so expensive.

Making equivalents at home might be a good activity? Or keep saying things like 'Cafes have got so expensive now, we'll have to have coffee here and think of other things to do.'

Incidentally, the Costa app does give some good offers - I hate apps but older teen daughter got it (!) and it seems to be quite generous so far.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 17:26

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 17:23

Mortgage is paid by DH but ofc i pay half which is fair. My view is SIL will get it because she is money hungry, i cant say for sure but DH seems to think that wont happen. I have a shared property through my own family so homeless wont be an issue.

Show quote history

I still wouldn't be happy with this situation at all.

You could be building up equity in a home that you will own.

Instead you're paying the mortgage on a property that you don't own.

I think I would want to have a family discussion about getting the property put into joint names now to reflect who is actually paying for it, or move out and stop paying for it.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 17:27

I know that wasn't the point of the thread but paying the mortgage on a house your SIL may well inherit is going to cost you a hell of a lot more than your niece's coffee habit.

PuzzledObserver · 10/10/2023 17:34

I tell DH that she keeps asking me to take her out and its expensive. He tells his niece firmly and she listens. With me she just keeps going and I dnt feel i can discipline her because im not blood related

You don’t have to discipline her. What you have to do is say No. Sorry, DN, I’d love to go for a coffee and spend time with you, but money’s a bit tight, so I can’t afford to take you to Starbucks this time. But we can <insert free activity> if you like.

At 13, she’s old enough to understand (or to learn) that things cost money, that money usually has to be earned, and different people have different amounts of it. And also it’s about time she learned that she can’t have everything she wants, no matter how much she strops.

PosterBoy · 10/10/2023 17:44

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 17:27

I know that wasn't the point of the thread but paying the mortgage on a house your SIL may well inherit is going to cost you a hell of a lot more than your niece's coffee habit.

Yup. I would focus on other stuff if you want to save more than £5 here and there ... like buying your own place and letting mil pay her own mortgage

Inthebitterend · 10/10/2023 17:56

Am I the only one who finds it weird that a 13 year old drinks coffee regularly or am I just old haha

(not read every page so someone might have mentioned it!)

Eddyraisins · 10/10/2023 17:58

millymog11 · 10/10/2023 13:42

If you are 10 years younger than her own parents then this feels like a combination of:

  • your neice feels "in competition" with you as a lot of teenagers tend to do
  • you yourself feel threatened by your neice as some kind of competition to yourself - maybe because you feel she as a 13 year old (via her parents) has more economic power available to her than you do (as an adult with bills to pay etc)
  • maybe you feel disrespected by your neices parents who you feel view you as some kind of "playmate" for their daughter

Whatever the case and irrespective of whether any of the above are true, am I right in thinking there is at least ten years age gap between your neice and yourself (i.e. you are at least 23 years old)?

Assuming that is the case, it is double important you switch your approach and start distancing yourself from your neice, I would even struggle not to laugh at her and make remarks like "don't your parents know that caffeine is bad for growing teenagers" and "it will be great when you get your first Saturday job and you have your own money - how about a Saturday job in a Starbucks?"

The more you let her see you as some kind of peer on her level who she can boss around, the more she will do it. I know this for certain as I have a 14 year old teenage daughter. You need to turn it around and prompto.

I love how one poster said you were unhinged and childlike and another asked if you were a psychologist.

Got to love mumsnet.

Startyabastard · 10/10/2023 18:03

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:09

Not rent free. We pay more than the MIL, she is retired and elderly, we look after her. The chanel make up is years old which i brought for my wedding where i did my own makeup - i dont frivously spend and the dinners are far and few between.

Show quote history

There's always one, OP!!
@arethereanyleftatall just because someone owns something a little bit expensive, it doesn't mean that they have major assets.
A Chanel eyeshadow makeup palette isn't an indicator of someone's wealth especially if it was bought long ago for something special.

olivechuu · 10/10/2023 18:03

Stop being entirely spineless and just say no. She’s thirteen for christs sake.

Startyabastard · 10/10/2023 18:05

Say “Today it’s a cappucciNO. Maybe latter… just mochaing fun, it’s still a FrappucciNO”. Keep punning until she can’t stand the sight of you and asks someone less annoying.
haha yes that's a good one.
Your niece can definitely ask her dad, end of conversation.

JustMarriedBecca · 10/10/2023 18:07

Sounds to me like she wants some attention. Maybe Mummy and Daddy are stinking rich but time poor.
My DD loves spending time with her aunt and uncle. It's absolutely not about treats out. How about "sorry, not buying treats this week. Let's have one here and I'll paint your nails"

millymog11 · 10/10/2023 18:09

Eddyraisins · Today 17:58

Its ok. When you post on Mumsnet you full well know there will be some posters who, a few hours before, woke up on the wrong side of the bed and want nothing more than just to come on MN and slag off anyone and everyone on any thread they can get their hands on. I guess because it makes them feel better. Its the way this place works I guess Confused

Testina · 10/10/2023 18:12

“The votes are split on whether i AIBU and vice versa currently”

I think you’re interpreting that wrongly.

YANBU = of course you shouldn’t be buying her coffee all the time
YABU = you are unreasonable to be even asking! Because of course you shouldn’t

“Niece, I love taking you out, it’s fun - but I’m not made of money. You’ll need to use your pocket money. Run and ask your mum for money if you haven’t enough.”

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 18:23

Startyabastard · 10/10/2023 18:03

There's always one, OP!!
@arethereanyleftatall just because someone owns something a little bit expensive, it doesn't mean that they have major assets.
A Chanel eyeshadow makeup palette isn't an indicator of someone's wealth especially if it was bought long ago for something special.

Show quote history

i also did my own make up(from youtube tutorials) rather than forking out for one. The chanel palette was a bargain in comparison to what make up artists charge these days!

OP posts:
jannier · 10/10/2023 18:29

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:59

I wouldnt mind if she wasnt such a brat; she doesnt stop until she gets what she wants and throws a tantrum. This is why im probably resisting so much. I might add it isnt solely fixed to coffee; if she hears me and DH have gone for dinner the next time she comes round she will say can we go to that restaurant? or she asked me to buy her Chanel make up for Christmas after she saw mine!

Show quote history

No love it's a treat for grown ups unless mummy and daddy want to take you/buy it.

DarkForces · 10/10/2023 18:48

As you can't change her or the rest of your in laws you have 3 choices

  1. carry on as you are growing more resentful
  2. change the way you think about it - see it as bonding/nice time with your niece that's a bargain at less than a fiver
  3. change the way you respond- try different ways to say no or ask her to pay
PlipPlopChoo · 10/10/2023 19:07

Respond as follows:

Yes I would love to get a coffee with you. Don't forget your purse because today you are paying.

Then do not take any money of your own.

Zooeyzo · 10/10/2023 19:58

@crossroads1 Yes but I bet your bil and sil moan about you living there- not thinking about mortgage and that you also look after the mother. These situations are always so difficult and unfortunately you'll not get much say. I would make myself scarce as soon as they arrive or pretend to be busy with errands.

jelly79 · 10/10/2023 22:37

They come to your house and then you drive her to get a coffee. Strange. Can't they get one on the way over?

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 22:47

jelly79 · 10/10/2023 22:37

They come to your house and then you drive her to get a coffee. Strange. Can't they get one on the way over?

As others have m mentioned maybe it is a way of her doing an activity with me and also getting out of granny’s boring house. I don’t mind driving her - it’s the entitlement and the cost that bothers me. But feel like I have gotten a lot of good advice today on the thread and ways to deal with it now

OP posts:
jammyhand · 11/10/2023 00:20

Does she and her parents know you're struggling? I honestly wouldn't assume a relative was hard up for £3, and might assume they were happy to be treating their little niece/nephew. Maybe an oversight on my part though.

AsWrittenBy · 11/10/2023 03:59

No

Bellyblueboy · 11/10/2023 09:03

This sounds like a really toxic family - you are all focused on money, who has what and who will get what.

at its very basic level you do t have to buy a child coffee if you don’t want to. Say no. It shouldn’t be hard - if the child goes in a huff that is for her parent to manage. Just laugh it off - you don’t like the child anyone so you aren’t losing anything.

of you don’t believe you will inherit the house think of the mortgage payments as rent.

Jsabol21 · 11/10/2023 09:23

They assume you don't mind. A 13 year old should be capable of hearing "No, it's not in my budget but if you have money, I am happy to spend the time with you." You must speak up, but you can be direct.