Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

[crossroads1]

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

Buy her a flask/insulated cup!

Requests for Chanel etc- tell her to put it one her Christmas list... for her parents.

Try to move away from the cool Aunty with money to just the cool Aunty.

No ask your mum OR sure I’ll take you but you’re buying the coffees in exchange for the lift

It’s the upbringing, money is no issue, pretty sure schooling is private too. I’m shocked she’s not got all the delivery services on her phone to order coffee, snacks and bubble tea already! With an upbringing like that “no I don’t have money” doesn’t really cross their minds. Also the bil and sil might not even know you don’t have extra money for the coffees. You just have to be firm and tell her you don’t have money for a coffee!

That’d go down great on TikTok! 😂😂

Also, she just just try to be the auntie.

Yep spot on. Private school!

Gosh, why are you so angry at my situation? Its a discussion.

Just say, no I can't afford it, sorry. Even if she keeps asking, just suggest things that are free e.g. going for a walk, making a coffee at home with filter coffee, syrup and a hand held blender.

Why would you not just say "I'm sorry, I can't afford it atm"?

Stop being so bothered what others think. It sound# like this girl could do with being told NO. And if that upsets the parents they can take her for a bloody £4 Frappuccino!

I dont see any anger just amusement.
Look at it rationally.
You want her to stop asking but say yes to 4/10 requests.
This is a "maybe" in her mind.
If you don't want to do it just say no.
The message is clear then

Living with and caring for an elderly PiIL is exhausting, according to everyone I know who has done it. Definitely not an easy life, even if (unlike OP) you live there rent-free.

Tell her and her parents that this stops unless they fund it.

If she wants you as a cool Aunt you can do other stuff that doesn't cost. I had the coolest Aunt on the planet and we would sit and chat over tea at home or go through her make up. I had no expectation from her other than her time.

I know it's different now but you cannot afford this so tell her

When she asks just say "sorry, I can't afford it"

I'm really not sure what the problem is, if you don't want to take her say no 🤷‍♀️

“Oh, we don’t need to go niece, I’ll stick a (Lidl) pod in the Nespresso machine and make you a coffee”

Seems to me it's a relatively simple issue. She needs to learn that you are no longer the soft touch aunt, so from now on you have to say no and, if she whinges, direct her to her parents. If she has a tantrum, walk away. Never, never give in.

Lol, love the idea of her haggling to try all the coffee flavours😆sounds like you've got a right little character on your hands there! You know, it may just be her character, she can't help being a hustler, it's who she is. Remembering my friends' kids, their personalities were there from the start - including the little boy who 'sold' juice to visitors from the age of about 4, and is now a very successful digital entrepreneur! His siblings are entirely different, so it's not necessarily just following in your parents' footsteps.

It's sweet how you describe these episodes of freedom you have together, and it sounds like the mithering is the only thing spoiling it. Would that be an approach? Next time she goes into her routine, could you say, "Look X, I really enjoy spending time together, but can you imagine what it's like to have someone constantly pestering for you to buy them things? What would you do in that situation?" ie, try and involve her in the solution, rather than impose a ban, or make it all about the money.

Absolutely. No is a complete sentence.

You could add "I don't want to" if one word isn't enough.

Or if you MUST have an excuse, "I've decided I'm not giving any more money to Costa and Starbucks when I can have better coffee at home".

Next time she asks just say - not today, sorry.
If she gets stroppy / demanding tell her if she nags you it will never happen again.

She doesn’t sound angry at all. She’s pointing out that there’s an extremely straightforward solution. This isn’t a ‘situation’. Why are you making it one?

@crossroads1 i don't think you'll change anything to be honest. The cultural expectation is there plus your DH is getting the parents house I assume? that will also be in your SILs and BILs mind. your DH saying anything will just cause a lot of issues with SIL and I bet her husband probably also tells neice to ask for stuff. It's annoying for you- Yes- but can you actually stop it? I don't think so. I doubt very much your DH will say anything.

If you liked spending time with her, then you could swivel to being the poor but fun aunt who thinks of lots of cool things to do that don't cost much (which she won't be used to at all). Go to museums, make biscuits, go birdwatching, take a flask with you etc.

Are you in the UK? You are making it sound as though your MIL is penniless and you're helping her. However, as a very ill elderly pensioner she should be having a minimum of around £900 per month (pension credit if not full pension) plus Assistance Allowance £400 per month ... are the household expenses so much more than this?

I am not banking on DH getting the house. The SIL and BIL are probably the front runners. SIL is the eldest sibling and MIL cannot go a day without talking to her. DH thinks house will be divided but I have my own money so am not expecting anything from them

Agreed. I do think BIL also tells niece to ask for things because he knows she is more likely to get it and he doesnt want to spend the money

Do you own any other property?

If not, and you're paying the mortgage on a house you expect your SIL to inherit, aren't you at risk of being made homeless one day?