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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Nieces teenage coffee habit is costing ME money!

313 replies

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 12:41

AIBU... we live with my MIL and whenever my SIL and her husband come to visit, they bring their nightmare of a 13 year old daughter. My SIL and BIL are TIGHT, but stinking RICH. BUT, when they come to ours the daughter always wants to go Starbucks, Costa, fancy coffee shops etc etccc. And the parents sit there while she asks me if we can go.

Sometimes I've said yes (if i want a coffee too) but when I try to make an excuse she doesnt stop. She is never told no. But the thing that IRKS me is when i do agree to take her they never offer to give me money to pay for her coffee habit. Not being funny but in a cost of living crisis, im not happy to pay £5 for her snapchat coffee.

On the flip side, whenever it his her birthday my BIL always puts on a huge birthday, everything paid for (he is generous when it comes to pleasing her and showing off), but AIBU to not want to pay for her coffee habit? I don't mind to take her in the car to Starbucks (obv she doesnt drive) but a little gratitude would be nice! And also the fact that they can defintely afford it, while me and DH are not in the best place financially. We do not have kids yet either.

How do I say no or ask them to give me the money to take THEIR daughter without sounding like a Scrooge or complete B*tch.

OP posts:
Sparkleshine21 · 10/10/2023 14:55

“Sure, why don’t you ask your mum/dad for your pocket money and I’ll take you :)”

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:56

fearfuloffluff · 10/10/2023 14:55

There's something really depressing about driving somewhere just for a coffee from a multinational chain.

Anyway. Just say no to anything she asks for that you think is unreasonable.

Yeah, think of the money she must be wasting.

It would be a really valuable life lesson for her to start paying for her own coffee even if her parents give her a whacking great allowance for it. Because if she's got any brains she'll soon figure out how many lattes equal a Chanel lipstick.

Aubree17 · 10/10/2023 14:58

If there in a good position financially I think they are probably quite oblivious of the cost to you.

Firmly say no if you don't want to treat her. Maybe even say your cutting back your budget and can't go this time. That might get the message across,

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 14:59

@crossroads1 I really think I would err on the side of just getting her gift cards for Christmas and birthday from now on.

Say to your BIL and SIL: "DNiece always wants us to pay for coffee when we see her and buy her expensive Christmas and birthday presents such as Chanel makeup, which is just out of our budget unfortunately. From now on we will just get her gift cards which will allow her to put whatever money we can afford to give her towards something she really wants. Do you think she would prefer a Starbucks gift card or a Sephora gift card for Christmas?"

Iknowthis1 · 10/10/2023 14:59

YABU for

A. Speaking about a child the way you do. It's appalling and it does not reflect well on you.

B. Complaining that she's never told no while never telling her no. You don't need to come up with an excuse. Just say no.

spitefulandbadgrammar · 10/10/2023 14:59

Say “Today it’s a cappucciNO. Maybe latter… just mochaing fun, it’s still a FrappucciNO”. Keep punning until she can’t stand the sight of you and asks someone less annoying.

I thought teenagers weren’t supposed to drink coffee as it stunts their growth. Possibly this is what my parents told me as a teen so they didn’t have to make me any.

RosesAndHellebores · 10/10/2023 15:00

I haven't read all of this but are you sure that neither she nor her parents actually understand just how skint you are? I'd be flattered dn wanted to spend time with me as well as the coffee. A Starbucks for a well off child isn't a big treat.

Explain to her dad that you just don't always have sub a tenner for a couple of coffees. There would have been nobody on my children's radar who wouldn't have been able to run to a couple of coffees.

Bimbimmer · 10/10/2023 15:00

I get it, OP. It’s not the coffee, it’s the constant demands. I get similar, and it’s very wearing to be constantly viewed as a piggybank, especially with little gratitude.
Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to offer instead of having things demanded of you.

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 15:01

Iknowthis1 · 10/10/2023 14:59

YABU for

A. Speaking about a child the way you do. It's appalling and it does not reflect well on you.

B. Complaining that she's never told no while never telling her no. You don't need to come up with an excuse. Just say no.

Oh come on, she does sound like an appalling brat.

The OP says that she has said "no" repeatedly but the girl doesn't accept no for an answer and throws a tantrum until she gets what she wants.

Obviously the OP needs to say "no" harder and not give in to blackmail, but the kid's behaviour is disgraceful.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:03

EachandEveryone · 10/10/2023 14:44

Im more curious to know what is happening to grannys house when she pops her clogs, if you have paid her mortgage and looked after her all this time! That fall out will be spectacular I imagine.

I imagine SIL has already dug her claws in and DH cant stand up for himself. Im hoping by then we emigrate.

OP posts:
Iknowthis1 · 10/10/2023 15:03

She's just a kid. If she's spoilt, blame the people who are spoiling her, not the child.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:07

Bimbimmer · 10/10/2023 15:00

I get it, OP. It’s not the coffee, it’s the constant demands. I get similar, and it’s very wearing to be constantly viewed as a piggybank, especially with little gratitude.
Sometimes, it’s nice to be able to offer instead of having things demanded of you.

Thank you. Exactly this. I know i am having a moan but also wanted other peoples opinion. The votes are split on whether i AIBU and vice versa currently

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:08

piccola15 · 10/10/2023 14:33

You are not being unreasonable. I have kids of 11 and 8 and I have never heard them ask my siblings & their partners to get them things. They do like to play with them a lot which I think probably does get annoying! So I am very conscious of that and step in when I sense my siblings need some time alone! If they did ask for a treat like that then I would give my siblings the money to take them. They may say no but I would definitely offer, especially as one of them doesn't have much spare cash. So yeah all round, I think the other family are taking advantage or just being thoughtless x

Thank you!!

OP posts:
ElleCapitaine · 10/10/2023 15:11

“No can do, Niece. I have ZERO money. Ask your father.”

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:13

WomanHereHear · 10/10/2023 14:24

See that would really wind me up, that she clearly does not respect you but does your Dh, her uncle/male relative. I would put on a resting bitch face around her and don’t be too friendly from now on if you can help it. Are there any cultural/family expectations? In my community it’s seen as the elder brother is the care taker of everyone even if they’re financially independent which in reality means everyone else can take advantage, no thanks is given because they think it’s his job and duty anyway so you won’t hear thank you. And often the men get away with not needing to do this and it’s left to the woman, often the daughter in law who is bottom of the pecking order. Maybe it’s something like that because surely her parents would be like wtf here’s some money, seems they think they’re entitled but I could be projecting. They’re probably obvious as they’re so self centred. But I would tell your Dh to take her to see how annoying it is first hand and I bet that would put her off once as she knows Dh won’t feel pressured to give her whatever she wants.

Show quote history

Yes youre right. it is also a cultural thing where the SIL still thinks she can ask for anything of DH (because he was her brother before I came along) and he finds it hard to say no because of culture. DH is slowly starting to see after I am bringing things up. I actually took DH niece for a day out last year (when i used to like spending time with her) and SIL and BIL didnt even have the courtesy to say thank you. I spent a lot that day on lunch, tea snacks, but nothing. I had a rant at DH and he admitted SIL is bit stupid sometimes and he will tell her. I got my thanks but I am trying to get advice on how to put my foot down from here on before they think me and DH are a constant piggybank. We also are trying for kids. I have a feeling this may change dynamic as niece will no longer be number 1 and DH can create some distance. ANy thoughts?

OP posts:
skippy67 · 10/10/2023 15:19

LlynTegid · 10/10/2023 14:48

I refuse to go to Starbucks because of their tax avoidance. Which would be the reason I would use in the OPs shoes.

🙄

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:20

RosesAndHellebores · 10/10/2023 15:00

I haven't read all of this but are you sure that neither she nor her parents actually understand just how skint you are? I'd be flattered dn wanted to spend time with me as well as the coffee. A Starbucks for a well off child isn't a big treat.

Explain to her dad that you just don't always have sub a tenner for a couple of coffees. There would have been nobody on my children's radar who wouldn't have been able to run to a couple of coffees.

are you saying your kids would have been able to ask anyone around them for coffee like its no big deal? Clearly we live in different times.

OP posts:
rookiemere · 10/10/2023 15:21

Dneice just sounds like a not unusual fairly demanding teen. Unfortunately with this variety the more you give, the more they ask.

You just need to be blunt both to her and to her DPs. I doubt she or they will change if you have DCs, but you'll have less capacity or inclination to indulge I suspect.

MzHz · 10/10/2023 15:22

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 13:01

I should have prefixed this. It isnt just coffee; she will ask for anything that she likes. After seeing my Chanel make up she outright said "Can you buy me this for Christmas?" I said its really expensive, and she just gave me a LOOK.

Show quote history

erm, so you give her a LOOK back and say “No.”

honestly @crossroads1 Woman Up!

MargotBamborough · 10/10/2023 15:23

crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:20

are you saying your kids would have been able to ask anyone around them for coffee like its no big deal? Clearly we live in different times.

Show quote history

I have enough money to go for coffee whenever I want but I still wouldn't appreciate someone's kid demanding I take them to Starbucks all the time.

And if my own child started making similar demands to our family and friends I would want the ground to swallow me up.

But then, my children wouldn't behave like this, because I would never teach them that that sort of behaviour was acceptable. The problem is that children who do this haven't been taught that their behaviour is unacceptable, because their parents apparently think it is fine.

Autumnleaves89 · 10/10/2023 15:24

You’re absolutely ridiculous. The way you write you sound like a teenager yourself. Bitching about a child and slagging her off online-really?!
Just say no it’s really that straightforward. Don’t agree to it then come on line calling your niece names!

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:25

rookiemere · 10/10/2023 15:21

Dneice just sounds like a not unusual fairly demanding teen. Unfortunately with this variety the more you give, the more they ask.

You just need to be blunt both to her and to her DPs. I doubt she or they will change if you have DCs, but you'll have less capacity or inclination to indulge I suspect.

give an inch take a mile comes to mind...

OP posts:
Autumnleaves89 · 10/10/2023 15:25

And so what if she snapchats it and wants to feel “grown up” with a coffee! Don’t all 13 year olds? Calling her a silly girl-you sound absolutely horrible to be honest.

Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:26

Autumnleaves89 · 10/10/2023 15:24

You’re absolutely ridiculous. The way you write you sound like a teenager yourself. Bitching about a child and slagging her off online-really?!
Just say no it’s really that straightforward. Don’t agree to it then come on line calling your niece names!

its a discussion.. its called a thread for a reason.

OP posts:
Original poster
crossroads1 · 10/10/2023 15:27

Autumnleaves89 · 10/10/2023 15:25

And so what if she snapchats it and wants to feel “grown up” with a coffee! Don’t all 13 year olds? Calling her a silly girl-you sound absolutely horrible to be honest.

Yes they can... but it doesn't mean i have to pay for it while her parents buy themselves new rolexs!

OP posts: