AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

I agree that 1pm is a terrible handover time. Who comes up with that idea on Xmas day? It’s lunch time! I would suggest to alter the time to after lunch such as 3 or 4pm. Wouldn’t your DH like them Xmas morning too on alternate years? I would be suggesting to alternate the entire arrangement year on year.
However, yes for the reasons you’ve stated in original post YABU. The DSC ARE your family and you should treat them that way. To say your priority is your family implies you do not consider DSC part of your family so I vote YABU.

You seem to have misunderstood me. I was referring to the "my kids so I call the shots" attitude of some parents who think it's all one sided.

Also, re the Santa comes twice comment. Ideally, no one would have to rely on this in order to share in the joy of Christmas with their children and see that excitement on their face on ‘Xmas morning’. It is quite simply explained to a child that since dsc have two homes, Santa comes twice. Save some presents aside for dc too. By denying your DH and DSC of this is absolutely terrible IMO given your DH has never had his children on Xmas morning according to the arrangement! Think how you would feel in his position if it were the other way around. I think it’s rather selfish of you and I am talking as both a step child and step mum. Imagine being a child and having to split your Christmas like that, what better positive spin for a child than to say santa comes twice!! Children don’t miss out and DH doesn’t either. Your dc is hardly coming into any misfortune because they grow up knowing ‘that’s a thing’. The whole thing is a massive lie anyway 🙄😂I get it’s not the lie you’d like ideally, but you did marry a guy with dc already and you should both them and your husband first in the situation. You’re not missing out and neither is your child.

I'm really interested to know why op's family don't really know her step kids?

My bil had 2 boys, married my sister and brought them up. I'm those boys auntie and my mum and dad are their grandparents. They've always been part of our family. Even if my sister didn't bring them up they would still be our family. If op's family have a party etc, do step kids get invites?

Because it isn’t a necessity.

As a pp said, not everyone lives like the Waltons.

It’s really obvious why SP’s families may have little contact with SC - and absolutely nothing to do with SC being poor little victims rejected by everyone. Quite the opposite - it’s because things are centred around the SC.

A father has EOW contact with his children. So that’s only half the weekends in a year to play with.

Presumably he’s going to want to spend some weekends just as immediate family and not every contact weekend with extended family.

So on contact weekends, it’s likely that the choice is either to not see any extended family or involve the paternal extended family. It’s important to ensure the SC have relationships with their grandparents (aunts, uncles, cousins and so on) after all.

No one is going to prioritise the SM’s family on contact weekends. After all, why would the SC want to spend their limited time with their father with SM’s family? The SM can see her family in the 50% of weekends that isn’t contact time for the SC.

ultimately, this means the SM’s family are virtual strangers to the SC.

Yet, people on MN are desperate to insist it’s evidence of evil SM and their horrible families who don’t include the SC.

Because it isn’t a necessity.

It isn't a necessity for anybody to have a relationship with their extended family. Most people think it's important though. I bet the OP thinks it's important her family know her biological child. It's just another indicator that her DSC are treated as an inconvenience and not really part of her family since she doesn't even think her extended family should have got to know them.

@Nepmarthiturn

I’m sure she does think it important her family know her biological child. She is not their mother, she is their step mother, of course she isn’t going to love them to the same degree as her own child.

I’d imagine that spending time with their paternal family is prioritised over spending time with their step mothers family, when they are with their dad.

Yes! This is absolutely correct

As @IncomingTraffic pointed out, the SC most likely have as much biological family as anyone else. They probably have both maternal and paternal grandparents of their own. Spending time with their stepmother's parents probably isn't a priority.

Meh. We live like The Waltons and approached it like that from the get go. I do not expect my new in laws to treat the kids like their own but they have embraced them as their son's family. Xmas, birthdays etc and we holiday together. It's nice for the kids and their newish 'cousins' treat them really well. Include them on Snapchat etc. Do my in laws love them, no, do they care for them and include them, yes.

Same as they have done to me. It's lovely.

No one ever bothers to ask the kids what they want in these scenarios. I can't assume, but imagine they'd prefer to spend Christmas at their mums.

In a scenario where my kids actually liked the idea of going to both houses as opposed to begging not to have to I'd be happy to facilitate the journey.

These arrangements are usually to the benefit of the parents (usually nonresident) over the children.

Does their mum have a partner/other family? Could the issue be that if you alternated having christmas day there'd be a year every other year where she spent christmas day alone

@spookymooky1
wow aren’t you the cat that got the cream.
your 1 year old will know nothing about Christmas , his 8 year old will still know about the magic of it all.
you are the reason step mums get a bad name.