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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
JustEatTheOneInTheBallPit · 10/10/2023 10:36

It would be better alternated. As your own child gets older, they won’t want it “just the three of us” anyway. So think about all the children.

We alternate and it works very well. They always call the other parent at about 11, after presents but before lunch too.

First you talk to your husband, then you have him talk to the mum. Then the kids are asked if this sounds good to them too. If everyone agrees, it changes and it will massively improve things.

Don’t ask the kids first as some PP suggest. It always pisses off the other parent that the kids are being consulted first. I think it makes the other parent feel like some sneaking or foul play is happening, even if it isn’t.

MayThe4th · 10/10/2023 10:38

the three of us your agenda is very clear here.

It’s another one of those who once they have their own kids just want it to be about their little family, when actually the SDC are as much a part of the family as your collective DC, they’re related to everyone except you and you’re the one wanting to change things.

There is no way to do this that isn’t going to show you in a bad light.

And if someone posted here that their ex had decided that he now only wanted to see the DC every other Christmas because his DP wanted Christmas with just their family he would be called a spineless twat.

What’s important here is what your DH and the kids, and their mum want.

SemperIdem · 10/10/2023 10:40

Why does their mother not take part in the Christmas pick ups/drop offs?

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 10:41

@SemperIdem because it was my husband that left her so he feels he moved away so he does the leg work

OP posts:
Beamur · 10/10/2023 10:41

Fwiw OP, I think it's perfectly ok for you to want to carve out your own family time and traditions too and that adjustments have to be made in blended families.
As a SP I have asked for changes to be made to arrangements to benefit me as well as the kids.

Beamur · 10/10/2023 10:44

What’s important here is what your DH and the kids, and their mum want

I have to disagree with this attitude. Why does the needs and wants if the SP and her child come last? I am not a martyr.

UsernamePain · 10/10/2023 10:46

We had this the first few years I was with my husband. It was awful. We were always meant to pick up at 2, and then we would get a text to say they were running late, so make it 3-4-5. (We live 5 minutes away from the mum) The last year we did it we were meant to be at my parents for 3pm, we got there at 7. It was awful, so awkward for everyone who had decided to wait for us to eat as we kept saying we won’t be long. To be fair I didn’t need to say anything to my husband, he told my DSD’s mum it wouldn’t be happening again. They agreed that mum would have Xmas Day, and we would have Boxing Day from 9am. So much easier to plan and much more enjoyable for everyone.

VivaDixie · 10/10/2023 10:49

Your posts are all about 'you' and 'your' family.

If you marry someone with children they become your family.

As a pp said, your agenda is clear here.

Coffeepot72 · 10/10/2023 10:49

There is no harm in looking at different arrangements. Life changes, but all too often, anything step-related gets set in stone, and even when change is due, no one dares consider it 'because that's what we've always done.' A split Christmas day sounds like a pain for everyone, TBH.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 10:55

To te people saying he posts are lol about me, I get it, this is about me and my DH having a less stressful Christmas EVERY OTHER year. I do genuinely think this arrangement will be better for his kids too. I'd like the arrangements to be a bit more fluid that's all. The pair of them do loads of silly things in my opinion in terms of contact but I've never brought any of it up before.

OP posts:
direbollockal · 10/10/2023 10:58

We don't do this - we manage to attend each others home for the day on alternative years - that way the children get the best of both worlds - all new partners over the years were advised this was the set plan and it wasn't changing - so far noone has had an issue

My ex husband and I have always done this at Christmas, and I would say that this is the best thing for the children in 99% of cases.

I am no fan of my ex husband, but we can still manage to be polite to one another for a day. The focus should be on the children, anyway.

caringcarer · 10/10/2023 10:58

Spinet · 10/10/2023 09:46

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask, but I wouldn't focus on 'Christmas just the three of us' consecutive years. I'd focus on having a full Xmas day with the step kids some years and a full day with them on boxing Day the others. It's the same message but presented as more focused around the step kids and will therefore likely be received more willingly. 😏

This, it's better for the kids to have one day with mum and one whole day with Dad. Alternate between Xmas day and Boxing day and you could spend Xmas day at your family some years too then. Would your DSC be welcome at your parents house on Xmas day? Your DH has to show some compromise.

funinthesun19 · 10/10/2023 10:59

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 10:41

@SemperIdem because it was my husband that left her so he feels he moved away so he does the leg work

Him leaving her doesn’t mean she should just put her feet up and never do any pick ups and drop offs. She’s still their mum and being a petty twat isn’t helpful to her kids.

Backagain23 · 10/10/2023 10:59

What’s important here is what your DH and the kids and their mum want
Nope, OP and her DC are important too. Certainly more important than what his ex wants.
The very least of a compromise would be for the ex to drop them off if they decide this split day crap must continue. Its not fair for the DH to be away for minimum 1.5 hours smack bang in the middle of every Christmas day because it's what suits his ex.

FineWordsForAPorcupine · 10/10/2023 11:00

I fear that what you are looking for is a "nice" way to say:

"Husband, I don't like your kids and although I'm prepared to suck up having them some of the time, it just isn't something I enjoy doing. As a reward, I really need to have at least half of the time when it's just my real family: you, me and our baby. I can't bear the thought of having them there EVERY Christmas and although I would hate to not see my own child on Christmas day and I expect you to feel that way about our baby, it's different when it's your kids, because....I dunno, I guess they don't have feelings or something.

Ideally, I'd like you to view it that way as well, ie: treat the child we have together as your actual family, and the children you already have as kinda...part time. I married a man with children but now I'm trying to edge them out as much as possible. What do you reckon?"

LadyLapsang · 10/10/2023 11:01

What is the situation with his ex - does she have a partner, other children; how does she spend Christmas once the children have left?

avemariiiaa · 10/10/2023 11:03

The fairest way is to alternate years
Xmas day one year Boxing Day the next
And arrange to pick up/drop off at times they don't split the day up and waste time sat in the car

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 11:03

"Husband, I don't like your kids and although I'm prepared to suck up having them some of the time, it just isn't something I enjoy doing. As a reward, I really need to have at least half of the time when it's just my real family: you, me and our baby. I can't bear the thought of having them there EVERY Christmas and although I would hate to not see my own child on Christmas day and I expect you to feel that way about our baby, it's different when it's your kids, because....I dunno, I guess they don't have feelings or something.

Not wrong.

This has never been ideal for me

Christmas the three of us

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:03

@LadyLapsang she has a husband and another child slightly older than mine

OP posts:
2chocolateoranges · 10/10/2023 11:04

What about his children being picked up later on Christmas Day?

If you do another Christmas Day in your home on Boxing Day then it’s only fair that they wake up at your home for that celebration.

Babyghirl · 10/10/2023 11:04

@spookymooky1
This is the first Christmas there's going to be a big change in my house hold, for 4 years of living together we will get to spend Christmas morning together for the first time, for 16 years my dp had went and set outside the ex house from 6.30 to wait on his dc getting out of bed to see what santa left, he has a 16 year old and an 8 year old and been like this, but this year we have a one year old so he will be spending it with us, the ex has yet to ask what the plans r she can't be gullible that he's going to leave us to go out to them, they are old enough to understand now are LG isn't, she never give him Christmas eve or day.

PonkyPonky · 10/10/2023 11:06

I think with the drive it makes more sense to do alternate years of a full day. That’s how we use to do it when step children were younger but as they’ve got older we’ve just let them lead what they’d like to do and they usually choose waking up at mums but coming to us in the morning to have lunch and the rest of the day with us. However they are a 2 minute drive away. Full day just makes more sense so no one is spending a chunk of Christmas Day in the car.

SayingwhatIreallythink · 10/10/2023 11:08

Babyghirl · 10/10/2023 11:04

@spookymooky1
This is the first Christmas there's going to be a big change in my house hold, for 4 years of living together we will get to spend Christmas morning together for the first time, for 16 years my dp had went and set outside the ex house from 6.30 to wait on his dc getting out of bed to see what santa left, he has a 16 year old and an 8 year old and been like this, but this year we have a one year old so he will be spending it with us, the ex has yet to ask what the plans r she can't be gullible that he's going to leave us to go out to them, they are old enough to understand now are LG isn't, she never give him Christmas eve or day.

An 8 year old and a 16 year old are going to understand that their dad doesn’t want to see them at Christmas far more than a 1 year old would.

LadyLapsang · 10/10/2023 11:11

What do you think the children would like best?

Sirzy · 10/10/2023 11:13

Babyghirl · 10/10/2023 11:04

@spookymooky1
This is the first Christmas there's going to be a big change in my house hold, for 4 years of living together we will get to spend Christmas morning together for the first time, for 16 years my dp had went and set outside the ex house from 6.30 to wait on his dc getting out of bed to see what santa left, he has a 16 year old and an 8 year old and been like this, but this year we have a one year old so he will be spending it with us, the ex has yet to ask what the plans r she can't be gullible that he's going to leave us to go out to them, they are old enough to understand now are LG isn't, she never give him Christmas eve or day.

So rather than being adult about it and having a discussion your husband is pushing out his old children to replace them with the new. Lovely message to send!