AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

Thank you @Libra24 for saying some sensible stuff, I think you're absolutely right, my push for change won't be immediate but I think being condemned to 10 years of split Christmas Days, the morning watching the clock as to pick up time and the afternoon always seeming a bit of a let down is just too much.
As for 'the three of us' comment it was flippant but I liken it too if my husband and I were to book a weekend away, the two of us, ie no kids, doesn't mean I hate the kids it just means sometimes we all need time out, i probably (yes I admit it) need more time out from my DSC than he does.
Also for more than half the time there are just three of us, we are not a nuclear family and it would be unrealistic to expect we behaved like one. I enjoy when the DSC are here for special occasions and the truth is it would be a lot easier for me and my DH if they were here permanently, but they are not so we have to contend with pick up, drop off, contact arrangements and CMS. This is draining and it's hard, so hard 70% of remarriages with children divorce within 7 years!!! Divorce would do these DSC absolutely no good at all, therefore it's important that my DH and I make our marriage a priority and part of a healthy marriage is discussing less than ideal situations such as the prospect of split Christmas days for the next 10 years, I will discuss it with DH but I will not make it happen this year or even next I'll just tell him of my grievance and hope we can come to a sensible solution for the whole family that suits the DSC and his ex.

You're being very hard on yourself @spookymooky1 - trying to balance everything is damn hard, and lots of us on this thread appreciate that.

I don't really see the point of not suggesting enacting change even next year. Seems an unnecessarily long time to wait.

@aSofaNearYou just if the youngest still believes in Santa, my DH always did a 'second Christmas' thing on Boxing Day, Santa came twice. Personally I think it took the magic out of it and I don't want my child to grow up thinking that's a thing, my child has no awareness of that and probably won't for another year

I think the only change I'll push for is sharing drop off with ex

Why should the ex suffer financially and time wise because her ex husband moved away?

so we have to contend with pick up, drop off, contact arrangements and CMS. This is draining and it's hard, so hard 70% of remarriages with children divorce within 7 years!!

This is why people need to think very hard before getting into a relationship with someone with kids.

There are too many threads where this isn’t taken into account and then it leads to resentment and a strain on the relationship.

In some ways I think being a step parent is more challenging than being a parent, especially if the ex is difficult.

@MargotBamborough my point is, where some people think they have it shit, others don’t always have it any better and if her husband nipping out is that big of a deal, well, it’s not really is it. If she wants to see her family, prioritise it, no one is stopping her. Not many Dads get to see their children so to ask them to not to on Christmas Day isn’t really fair. I do get that it would be annoying but like my partner having to work, it is what it is and you make the best of it.

@Sleepytiredyawn Her husband is stopping her. He's said he isn't happy if she goes off to celebrate Christmas with her family without him.

Of course, this would be the best thing for her to do if she actually wants the arrangements to change.

"DH, DC and I are going to have Christmas lunch at my parents' house. If you want to maintain the current arrangements, go and pick your DC up at 1pm as always, and we will see you later. But I won't be cooking Christmas Dinner for the evening. If you want to have Christmas lunch with us, that's fine. You can either pick your kids up later in the afternoon or you can negotiate with your ex to pick them up an hour earlier (not having eaten lunch first) and then you can all join us. Let me know what you decide."

Honestly just decide what's best for you and push for that. Nobody else in this situation is thinking of you or putting your child first so you put yours first and act on it. The issue with Mumsnet is that they think the "second family" should also feel the brunt.. but you're no mother to your own child to allow that. You only get 18 christmases with your child, don't let them remember the boring afternoons where dad decided to piss off for two hours EVERY year or where they couldn't see your family because their dad who didn't mind them sitting at home with their mum who has to cook a dinner nobody wants to eat, didn't think they should be put first ever.

you don’t seem to want to answer the question about moving the pick up to slightly later in the day OP? Then you can go to your parents all together then stay there while he goes off to collect the children, is there a reason that’s not a perfectly workable solution that would solve a few of the problems you’ve mentioned?

Even if the arrangement you have had up to now has worked, children's needs change as they get older, and what worked when they were 5 may not suit a 12 year old - for one thing, they are up much later in the evening and probably get up later, too. I think there is no harm in looking at the arrangements again, and the children themselves may have a view on how they would like the day to work.

I remember someone on a TV programme saying that they hated having to eat two Christmas dinners in order to keep both parents happy. They may not mind alternate years now they are older.

You don't have to demand or ask for anything, just have a discussion about different ways you could organise it.
1pm pick up doesn't seem to work, are they having Christmas Dinner then having to rush out straight after to go to yours, where you cook them a second? It would be easier for you to have Christmas Dinner at lunch time without them, then a rest, then their dad go to collect them later on, then a smaller, special meal in the evening for the five of you, or just snacks then a proper meal the next day.
Or shake it up more, rotating Christmases with birthdays so each year you either get them both for Christmas day, or both on their birthdays. As it is, if their mum cooks Christmas lunch, she must barely see them on Christmas day as it is, it could be a magic morning of present opening, cooking, then hurriedly eating to have them ready on time without much quality family time.

It was German Christmas to me. My Dad's German so as a child spent half our Christmases there.
My tree does not go up until Christmas Eve
The walk and arriving back to Presents, tree lit and a meal was exactly what we used to do and yes, real candles but this was an effort to make it a special albeit a bit different for my kids snd my stepchildren.
We all forge our own traditions.

You're child is 1 and 1 year olds have no concept of Christmas, santa or time. If you did Christmas on literally any other day of the year your 1 year old would be clueless and just accept it. 8 on the other hand is young enough to still believe in the magic of Christmas and old enough to have a concept of time as qell as an understanding that her Dad is chosing one child over another. You sound awful I feel so sorry for your step children.

Speaking about drop off/pick up -- I'd suggest a half-way meeting point. No-one drives any further than the other and cuts down on "time away".

If no, suggest the person who is starting the access time picks up, that way the access time ends at the time it's supposed to.. such is the standard IME.

So in the current time(s), dad goes and picks up the kids on Christmas at 1pm, and mum picks up from Dad's on boxing day at 6pm. Otherwise dad is missing out on quality time with his kids each time he does the drive. That adds up.

Speaking about Christmas -- Splitting up Christmas for the kids is only fair if that's what they want BUT personally think your suggestion of staying with their mother on actual Christmas until around 6pm is the best option. You could ask her if she'd prefer to keep every Christmas morning or if she'd be okay switching it but their real "tradition" is that mum gets mornings. Even if the youngest believes in Santa still, they know Santa came at Christmas and they have to wait till "dad's Christmas". You could save some presents for your kiddo to open on the 26th as well so it's a big thing.

Sounds ideal honestly -- They can have a chat with their dad in the car, maybe some dessert when they're back, then enjoy "Christmas" the next morning. They'll then eat your Christmas supper.

As the one in the ex wife's position, there's no way I'd agree to do the journey. My attitude would be, you want to take my kids, away from me on Christmas day, you come and get them then. I wouldn't even ask. She'll just say no. I think the later time idea, ie 6pm is better, as they are old enough to stay up until 9ish so can still have a nice eve then boxing day together.

But it's ok for him to choose the 8 year old over 1 year old 🥴 yes she understands more but he still has to choose ?

They're his kids too though ? More of a "our" than "my"

Not when you are on a territorial power trip.

Aren't you wonderful. Keep in mind your kids will remember your attitude.

My parents split my Christmas Day and I can honestly say I didn’t start to enjoy Christmas until I had my own DC. I hated having two Christmas dinners in one day, it was just overkill and I hated the disruption of being shoved in a car halfway through the day too.

No idea if your DSC feel the same way but I think it’s a better idea to alternate Christmas entirely so Mum has them one year, Dad the next or Dad just has them Boxing Day and Mum Christmas Day.

You sound very bitter

OP has said her child is 2.5 years old.
She's also said she's not looking for an immediate drastic change as of Christmas 2023, just to tweak things over the next year or two so that by the time the 2.5 year old is 3.5 or 4.5, there is a better balance.
My 4 year old has already clocked that when DSD appears his daddy disappears and it upsets him. Don't kid yourself that young children are oblivious in the fight to make sure the step children are perpetually top of the list.

Aren't you wonderful. Keep in mind your kids will remember your attitude.

Wow. They'll remember that their mum wanted to spend time with them on Christmas Day and didn't want to reduce that to suit a new partner? I hardly think they'd hold that against her.

Why should their Christmas and a long-standing arrangement that has been working fine be disrupted with the older children potentially feeling rejected because their father has decided to have a new partner and more children? That's his choice, and it's his job to make sure the new partner understands his existing commitments. It's the new partner's choice to decide whether that is acceptable before getting involved and certainly before deciding to bring more children into the family: could she manage doing that - as an adult with choices - without disadvantaging and hurting the existing children any further? If not, then don't do it.

It seems here that the OP's husband misled her to think this arrangement was flexible when it isn't. Or, perhaps it was a miscommunication and he meant this may change in the future (i.e. as the children become teenagers and make their own plans, NOT that the OP could demand it changes to suit her when it becomes inconvenient). The OP is making a big deal of spending a couple of hours of Christmas Day with her child without her partner present. And on top of that it sounds like he is controlling and selfish and trying to tell her she can't arrange her day around his plans so she sees her family. Neither of them have covered themselves in glory here. But clearly none of that is the step-children's problem, or their mother's problem.

You reap what you sow, and these are the consequences of moving away from your children and starting another family without thinking through the logistics and emotional impact on the existing children, which should have been the top priority. If it's a bit inconvenient now for the two adults who made those choices, then tough, really.