AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

She isn't complaining about his kids being there, she's complaining about their Christmas Day being split down the middle, her not being able to see her family ever, and having to make a Christmas Dinner the kids don't want to eat.

I do wish people would stop reading things into the OP's posts which simply aren't there and just take her word for it that the problem is what she says it is.

To anyone saying the OP's parents should be more flexible and push their Christmas lunch back by two hours.

Imagine a family member asked you to delay your Christmas lunch by two hours to wait for their partner and his two children who don't actually want to eat lunch.

How reasonable would you find that?

It would be different if they weren't eating lunch at their mum's house beforehand. But they are, and she clearly wants that part of the day with them. So why can't she just keep them for another couple of hours so everyone else can eat their lunch too?

"Abandoned" is extremely dramatic and unserious language to use about your husband going to pick up his kid for 90 minutes.

As established she can see her family a couple of hours later but she refuses to countenance that minor inconvenience.

Her new traditions have to fit in with the existing family, yes. She can't override the existing stepkids. This is just normal human interaction though. We don't just override other people because we want our special traditions.

So all the dad should get is a couple tired and grumpy kids to put to bed after they have had Christmas Eve and a full fun day of Christmas presents and goodies and food at moms. And then bring them home at night and put them to bed. And that is fair for dad?

You seem to think it is normal for OP to want to celebrate Christmas with her family but wrong and unfair for her husband to want to celebrate Christmas with his own children. He is supposed to only want to spend Christmas with her and her family and not his own kids but he should understand she wants to be with her family on Christmas Day. In what world does that make any sense?

It wouldn't be dramatic if his 90 minute disappearance wasn't happening over lunchtime, thus preventing the OP and her kids from also having a Christmas meal at lunchtime or seeing her extended family.

I don't know why this is so hard for some people to understand.

It's just about the worst time for a handover, as far as I can see.

Why does it need to be then, specifically?

Expecting her family to delay their own Christmas lunch by two hours to wait for two children who have already eaten their lunch beforehand is utterly mental.

The OP has suggested she goes to her parents without him but he won't hear of it.

He's the one wanting everything his own way here. The OP is just getting fed up of her and her child being at the bottom of the list of priorities every year.

Him collecting his children a couple of hours later in the afternoon wouldn't make that much difference to him or them, but it would make a huge difference to the OP and her family and children.

Maybe some of us are projecting because of the way our children have been treated by their father and subsequent wives at Christmas.
In my children's case, they were never wanted on Christmas eve or Christmas day once their father and stepmother had children of their own. They had Christmas day at their house with her family. I my children's father would pick them up from me at 10am on boxing day, take them to his parents for lunch and have them back to me by teatime.
My children would have loved to alternate Christmas but we're told that there wasn't room because Julie's family were staying.
For 12 years he put her before our children until it got to the point where our children refused to go. He hasn't seen either of them for 16 years and pretends on social media that his only children are those that he had with her.

you say your parents don’t know them? Why? Why havnt they been accepted into the complete family unit? Those kids will pick up on it, they will vote with their feet

Interesting point - I’ve been with DH for nearly 20 years and my relatives don’t really know DSS. There’s no bad blood, just that their paths haven’t crossed very often. When DSS was visiting EOW, we didn’t tend to do stuff with my family, as DSS really wouldn’t have been interested in visiting my relatives, and then he went to uni and is now an independent adult. No one fell out, everyone is civil, they just don’t know each other very well. I think that’s quite normal. Not everyone lives like The Waltons

I'm sorry to hear that. But this thread isn't about you or any of the other people who are projecting, and reading things into the OP's posts which aren't there. She isn't being unreasonable to want to tweak these arrangements so she and her family can have Christmas lunch.

She is an adult. She can go eat with her parents if that is important to her but then what makes no sense is if you can understand that that is important to her how can you not understand at all why her DH would want to spend part of Christmas Day with his kids. Why would he give up Christmas Day with his own family to spend it with her extended family but the idea of her spending any time with her husbands own children on Christmas isn’t reasonable?

The best solution is Op just gets up in the am and goes to her parents for the day by herself. Since spending time with one’s own young children is not something she feels is important she leaves shared child at home with DH and he spends the day with his 3 kids celebrating Christmas and she spends the day with her parents and siblings and extended family. While DH might be annoyed they aren’t doing any thing together he married someone’s who isn’t into together things.

I feel like an important point might be a bit lost. OP - the guilt etc and the implication that you don't really speak to the ex, is it because he left them for you?
If so, I can sort of see why the situ is what it is.

I think people get very hung up on one day. Why not just make Boxing Day (or another day) “Christmas Day 2.0”? Build it up to be the day you all get together. I come from a “blended family” who came together as older teens/adults, and we picked 27/28th December to be our family Christmas. It was brilliant, we did the whole Santa thing, gifts, games etc. My kids thought they were so lucky having more than Christmas!

Ask the DSC what they would rather do. They may already hate having to leave their mum at 1pm every Christmas

Right so when the OP's children get older, when do they get to have Christmas lunch with their dad, if he's always absent for upwards of an hour and a half at lunchtime every single Christmas Day?

The traditional time for Christmas "lunch" is from around 3pm onwards anyway...

I have had 50/50 with my ex DH for a few years now. DC are now 17 and 15. It matters less when they get older however in this position OP, it is much easier to get the kids after dinner when all they do is play with their stuff or lay about sleeping or watch TV anyway.

The kids should come first. Saying "just the three" is a bit divisive. It will never be just you as a small family when there are other children involved and you shouldn't be looking at it like that if I'm honest. Hope you get sitting down to have a conversation about it OP. Good luck.

How do you and your DH get on with the boy's mum? Does she have a new partner?

I think if you don't have a partner it would be difficult to not see your children on Xmas day.

How about inviting her and the boys to yours for Xmas day?

I think it is something the boys, both parents and any other adults involved should discuss together.

I'm not sure why you're ignoring the perfectly logical solution of her step kids just joining them after lunch, which would allow her husband to see his kids AND the OP to have a nice day. Almost as if you have some point to prove.

Maybe rotate Christmas day moving forward. Mum has them Christmas day this year, you do boxing day, then rotate yearly.

Considering my partner has to work on Christmas Day, I’d be happy with this arrangement. I get that it annoys you because Christmas is a time when it feels like you have to please everyone but yourself but be thankful you’re not rushing presents so he can get to work and cook everyone else’s Christmas dinner then come home shattered.

No offence but the fact that your partner has to work over Christmas is not relevant to the OP's situation in any way.

@saffronsoup what a strange, and inaccurate, take.

It's a good time of year to say... Perhaps not this year but next year, are we sure the plans on Xmas are working for everyone?
You are right that your child is just as important and the dsc are getting older.
I think it's a great point to have the conversation with no immediate expectations for change this year.
It takes the sting out and allows any reactions to cool. Lots of time for sensible conversations.
And after Xmas is done this year it could be worth asking the children themselves if everyone is unsure what they want.
I think later in the day to stay over would be great as allows lots of positives and few negatives.
And the alternative drop off pick up thing is common sense. Shouldn't be one party doing all the leg work and your husband missing out on a chunk of his Xmas day every single year. How unfair.

Could he not sit down for five minutes with his DC and his ex and discuss what they'd like to do?

Presumably it would be lovely for him to have them Christmas Eve until Christmas Day late some years too? Splitting Christmas Day in two seems very petty and it must be hard on their Mum too as she can't really make plans either.

As you get your own kids, they may want to spend more time with one parent or the other, or have plans of their own.

I can understand why this is frustrating and not allowing you to spend time with your own family as well, especially if they’ve already eaten when they’re picked up.

My parents divorced when I was 9 and my siblings were much younger, my parents started splitting the Christmas day like this which was unsettling but they eventually moved to alternating and it worked well for us kids. However, now I’m a mother it would break my heart not see my child on Christmas Day. A sensitive conversation is needed with your DH in the new year I think. Good luck.

We split it so Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with one parent leaving just before bedtime, Boxing Day with the other and each parent organising it so the children got two proper Christmassy days, each parent had their own traditions. That way, kids get two Christmas Days every year and each parent has their own special time with them. Win-win!