Page 16 | AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

spookymooky1 · 2023-10-10T08:41:29+00:00

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman. He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away. Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish. This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change. him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea. They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore. AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

ZebraD · 11/10/2023 12:00

Could they meet in the middle so only an hour out of Christmas Day travelling for both rather than 2 for DH?

KT1112 · 11/10/2023 12:28

gannett · 11/10/2023 09:49

You can make whatever suggestions you want then, if everyone else involved is amenable to change. There's no single "reasonable" plan - only what's reasonable for the people involved. As you can see on this thread, plenty of blended families wouldn't want to split Xmas Day, but plenty others would be happy to do so. You find a solution that works for you (primarily the kids though).

What is unreasonable is to use the phrase "just the three of us" and give any indication that you want to exclude yoru husband's kids from your "little family". No, they're part of his family of five, and you signed up to joining that wen you married him. And putting them first is part of that deal. I don't blame anyone who doesn't want to put other people's children first, but they shouldn't get into relationships with existing parents.

What would be more reasonable is to present your suggestions from a purely logical and logistical point of view. Frame it as making life easier for everyone involved. And accept that if a split Xmas Day is what makes the kids happy, then that is what will have to happen.

FWIW I don't think the inconveniences to you are anywhere near as bothersome as keeping those kids from seeing their dad on Xmas Day would be. Your husband is gone for 90 minutes? That's barely anything. Your stepkids aren't hungry? Make them a plate of nibbles rather than a full dinner then. Your parents might have to eat lunch a couple of hours later? That's barely an inconvenience. Your parents don't know your stepkids very well? Well, a good time to remedy that then.

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This is beautifully worded

Mairgret · 11/10/2023 12:44

This absolutely boils my blood and happens all the time. “Best for my family” gets down to the crux of the issue - the step children are secondary to what you see as your family unit. Time and time again people get in to relationships with people with existing children, who are and should always be the absolute priority. But then the new partner decides that actually no, the children are secondary and just fit around their new unit. You do what is best and right for ALL children involved. They are no less important than the children you birthed.

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2023 12:46

Mairgret · 11/10/2023 12:44

This absolutely boils my blood and happens all the time. “Best for my family” gets down to the crux of the issue - the step children are secondary to what you see as your family unit. Time and time again people get in to relationships with people with existing children, who are and should always be the absolute priority. But then the new partner decides that actually no, the children are secondary and just fit around their new unit. You do what is best and right for ALL children involved. They are no less important than the children you birthed.

Edited

Finding a solution that works for all the children is what people are suggesting and what you are so angry about.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 12:48

Mairgret · 11/10/2023 12:44

This absolutely boils my blood and happens all the time. “Best for my family” gets down to the crux of the issue - the step children are secondary to what you see as your family unit. Time and time again people get in to relationships with people with existing children, who are and should always be the absolute priority. But then the new partner decides that actually no, the children are secondary and just fit around their new unit. You do what is best and right for ALL children involved. They are no less important than the children you birthed.

Edited

But the OP's stepchildren aren't being treated as secondary.

The OP and her own child are being treated as secondary.

If the OP's husband wasn't willing to take the needs of his new partner and new children into account at all, he should have stayed single.

CrazyHamsterLady · 11/10/2023 12:54

It must be pretty crap for the kids as well, to have their day split like that. Mark my words, if the ex says no, within 2-3 years max the eldest will just put their foot down and say what they want to do (whatever that may be) That’ll shortly be followed by the youngest. It’s exactly what happened with my step kids because Christmas used to look similar (only they lived 90 mins away) Once they got to 11 and 10, they said they were sick of it and wanted to alternate Christmas, one year with the ex and one year with us. The ex massively kicked off but couldn’t do a lot as it’s what the kids wanted.

Lollypop701 · 11/10/2023 15:16

Op pick out the responses that resonate as good options for your family, including DSC , then speak to dh. If he won’t discuss/tells you nothing is going to change then I’d go to my parents on Christmas Day. There is a compromise to be found and if he won’t discuss then it’s his problem

(I personally like the picking DSC up later with each parent doing the drive alternating years as everyone is fed, and chilling with party food and watching Christmas movies Is great)

the7Vabo · 11/10/2023 15:45

I get that life is complicated but reading some of the responses on this thread makes me so glad I never had a step mother as it seems it’s not uncommon to treat the children from a previous relationship as of they are lesser children. That includes a mother asserting that an 8 year old is “old enough to understand” that he can’t see has dad on Christmas Day Vs her 1 year old.

OP as far as I’m concerned your post was ok until it felt like you gave yourself away with “just the 3 of us.” You knew the man had 3 children when you married him. Those kids already have to deal with separated parents let them have Christmas.

aSofaNearYou · 11/10/2023 15:52

the7Vabo · 11/10/2023 15:45

I get that life is complicated but reading some of the responses on this thread makes me so glad I never had a step mother as it seems it’s not uncommon to treat the children from a previous relationship as of they are lesser children. That includes a mother asserting that an 8 year old is “old enough to understand” that he can’t see has dad on Christmas Day Vs her 1 year old.

OP as far as I’m concerned your post was ok until it felt like you gave yourself away with “just the 3 of us.” You knew the man had 3 children when you married him. Those kids already have to deal with separated parents let them have Christmas.

Far too much is being made of "the three of us". She didn't say that that time was extra precious or the motivating factor, it was just a descriptor that's a synonym for "without them".

Coffeepot72 · 11/10/2023 16:03

Far too much is being made of "the three of us". She didn't say that that time was extra precious or the motivating factor, it was just a descriptor that's a synonym for "without them".

Totally agree @aSofaNearYou

Backagain23 · 11/10/2023 16:13

the7Vabo · 11/10/2023 15:45

I get that life is complicated but reading some of the responses on this thread makes me so glad I never had a step mother as it seems it’s not uncommon to treat the children from a previous relationship as of they are lesser children. That includes a mother asserting that an 8 year old is “old enough to understand” that he can’t see has dad on Christmas Day Vs her 1 year old.

OP as far as I’m concerned your post was ok until it felt like you gave yourself away with “just the 3 of us.” You knew the man had 3 children when you married him. Those kids already have to deal with separated parents let them have Christmas.

How do you feel about mothers, knowing that this one is apparently preventing her DC from ever waking up with their dad and younger sibling on Christmas morning?
Or the likes of my DSC mum who insisted that she have Christmas day every single year but we had to drop her off when she said on Christmas Eve and be back sharp to collect her on Boxing Day.
People can be unreasonable and want what they want, mothers or step mothers. Its the digging in and refusing to see the bigger picture that's the problem IMO.

the7Vabo · 11/10/2023 16:20

I feel the same - it’s adults being selfish. Of course mothers can also be unreasonable, I never said otherwise.

Backagain23 · 11/10/2023 16:33

I just find the whole "thank goodness I never had a step mother" angle quite odd.
This is not a step mother problem, it's a people problem.

RancidRuby · 11/10/2023 16:46

senior30 · 11/10/2023 10:07

I feel so much for children who have separated parents and then have step-parents like this. It’s all about what you want, your parents don’t know your step children? You’ve been in a relationship 5 years that’s just not acceptable. My brother’s step son is involved in everything we do and he wouldn’t allow it to be any other way. Why did you marry and have children with him, or did you expect that once you had your own you’d be able to force his out?

Totally agree with this. OP, it feels quite telling that you've said the SC wouldn't be top of your parents invite list - they're not their grandchildren, but they are the siblings of their grandchild and perhaps they should be making a bit more effort to get to know them because that makes them part of the extended family whether they like it or not.

Daisyblue77 · 11/10/2023 17:36

But they are your family. You need to be treating them as if they are your children the same as your youngest, there is no ‘my family’ that does not include them,

Becgoz7 · 11/10/2023 17:48

If your husband and his children are happy with it k wouldn't want to change it.

GrumpyPanda · 11/10/2023 17:52

TiredRetired · 10/10/2023 21:44

We are a conjoined family (all grown up now)
We alternated “German” Christmas (celebrated on Christmas Eve - Walk in the daytime returning to find the presents under the tree followed by Christmas dinner)
They were then picked up by our ex for bedtime with traditional English Christmas morning.
We alternated this.
As you say, gives you an uninterrupted Christmas Day. It’s just a question of forging new traditions

That's not German Christmas (native speaking.) German Christmas involves setting up tree Christmas eve morning, nativity play 4pm-ish, lighting the tree for the first time with presents underneath after sundown (bonus points for live candles), followed by a simple make-ahead supper - traditionally sausages and cold potato salad. The actual Christmas dinner is usually noontime Christmas day, most commonly goose but mixed and matched a lot more these days.

gannett · 11/10/2023 17:58

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 12:48

But the OP's stepchildren aren't being treated as secondary.

The OP and her own child are being treated as secondary.

If the OP's husband wasn't willing to take the needs of his new partner and new children into account at all, he should have stayed single.

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She isn't being treated as secondary. None of the aspects of the situation that she doesn't like are that big a deal.

The nature of blended families is that no one's getting their picture-perfect ideal. The stepkids might want to spend all day with both their parents. Their parents might want to spend none of their day, or indeed life, with the other one. Everyone compromises a bit so that all involved, especially the kids, get something they enjoy. When you marry someone who already has kids, surely it's on this understanding.

Absolutely nothing the OP has to put up with in this situation is that intolerable.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 18:11

gannett · 11/10/2023 17:58

She isn't being treated as secondary. None of the aspects of the situation that she doesn't like are that big a deal.

The nature of blended families is that no one's getting their picture-perfect ideal. The stepkids might want to spend all day with both their parents. Their parents might want to spend none of their day, or indeed life, with the other one. Everyone compromises a bit so that all involved, especially the kids, get something they enjoy. When you marry someone who already has kids, surely it's on this understanding.

Absolutely nothing the OP has to put up with in this situation is that intolerable.

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The OP feels that being abandoned over lunchtime every single Christmas Day and not being able to go and see her family instead or start traditions with her own children which don't fit in with the current arrangements is a big deal.

It's not your place to say otherwise.

amiold · 11/10/2023 18:14

I think she is being treated as secondary actually and she's ruining her own child's childhood Christmas by agreeing, with no compromise, to put his kids first under the pretence it's what they've always done. I'd be off to my family Xmas eve and enjoying it. If her partner wants to do what he's always done Christmas Day then hopefully he has a lovely day and doesn't mind taking his turn sitting on his own Christmas morning like Op is expected to every Christmas lunchtime

GrumpyPanda · 11/10/2023 18:21

@Iwasafool

Well if an adult with a child can't think of anything better to do than twiddle their thumbs for an hour and a half on Christmas Day they have bigger problems than accommodating step children.

Except OP has said quite clearly that it's an hour and a half bordering on five since DSC - understandably - aren't ready to be torn away from their meal and presents and get in the car. Followed by no appetite and no doubt grumpy faces at the dinner she's had to prepare all by herself, every year. Sounds like an utterly shit Christmas for her, and also doesn't sound like something that makes DSC particularly happy.

Flopsythebunny · 11/10/2023 18:25

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 10:54

I don't understand what part of this you are struggling with.

It's Christmas Day. The OP wants it to be a special day for herself and her children.

Making chicken nuggets for lunch with her children whilst her husband is absent is not special. It's like any other day.

And going to a lot of effort to make a big Christmas dinner for the evening, when her stepchildren aren't going to eat it and her own children are going to be tired and nearly ready for bed, is a waste of time.

The OP would like to be able to go to her own parents for Christmas lunch, or have a nice Christmas lunch with her husband and children, without having lunchtime completely obliterated every single year because her husband for some reason HAS to be in the car during that specific 90 minute window.

What, actually, is the problem with having the stepchildren come a little bit later so the OP can also enjoy Christmas lunch with her family?

Talk us through what the problem is.

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Let's face it, the op's problem is having stepchildren disrupting her perfect little family

Honeychickpea · 11/10/2023 18:44

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 10:54

I don't understand what part of this you are struggling with.

It's Christmas Day. The OP wants it to be a special day for herself and her children.

Making chicken nuggets for lunch with her children whilst her husband is absent is not special. It's like any other day.

And going to a lot of effort to make a big Christmas dinner for the evening, when her stepchildren aren't going to eat it and her own children are going to be tired and nearly ready for bed, is a waste of time.

The OP would like to be able to go to her own parents for Christmas lunch, or have a nice Christmas lunch with her husband and children, without having lunchtime completely obliterated every single year because her husband for some reason HAS to be in the car during that specific 90 minute window.

What, actually, is the problem with having the stepchildren come a little bit later so the OP can also enjoy Christmas lunch with her family?

Talk us through what the problem is.

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The problem is that the first wives of Mumsnet feel that the OP would not be being sufficiently punished for being a second wife if she got any enjoyment out of Christmas.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 18:44

Flopsythebunny · 11/10/2023 18:25

Let's face it, the op's problem is having stepchildren disrupting her perfect little family

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No, I think the OP's problem is her husband buggering off for a couple of hours at lunchtime every Christmas Day so all their plans for ever more have to be worked around that.

Sj07 · 11/10/2023 18:50

You're thinking of your family and your dc going forward.. That's fine. But he needs to think of all of his children. Including the two that came before yours. If they are used to seeing their dad in Christmas day why should they have to wait until boxing day because you want their dad to only spend the day with you and your children? You must have been aware he had two children before you had one together? These posts do upset me quite a bit because my two were the forgotten children once their younger siblings came along and it's heartbreaking to watch. It's left irreparable cracks in their relationship with their father, and can cause resentment towards their siblings. The only way it might work is that now his kids are getting older he could perhaps pick them up later in the day, and still keep them overnight until boxing day. That would free up time for you to eat lunch with your family, before they arrive. But I'm also confused that you say you can't visit your family because his kids are there? Are they not part of the family? Id feel terrible if my partner felt that he or his kids couldn't join me at my parents house for Christmas or that they weren't welcome. Christmas is a time for togetherness and it would make for wonderful memories for your own children to experience celebrating Christmas with all of the people they love around them, including their older siblings.