AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

Well if an adult with a child can't think of anything better to do than twiddle their thumbs for an hour and a half on Christmas Day they have bigger problems than accommodating step children.

Fancy being condemned to making a meal, for goodness sake prep in advance and shove it in the oven.

Talk about making a drama out of nothing.

Whether people on here make a judgement about how splitting Christmas day can't work the fact remains that it works for many families and it has positives.

The op has already said that he left and moved away

The suggestion of alternating Xmases would entail him not seeing his kids on Xmas Day.

I think the stepkids staying a bit longer at their mum's is a reasonable suggestion for the OP to make. But we don't have the info as to why the 1pm handover was agreed on (there may well be good reasons for it). And if she makes that suggestion, like I said, she should frame it as a logistical suggestion that makes Xmas work better for everyone, rather than the vibe of wanting to exclude the stepkids that most people in this thread have picked up on.

@Iwasafool Cooking Christmas dinner is a big deal, I would be fucked off if I had to do every year, especially given i was being prevented from ever going to my family and being a guest rather than the host. If it were me, DP would be cooking when he got back at least every other year.

And yes, splitting Christmas might work for lots of families but it isn't working for part of this one. The considerate thing to do would be to at least consider whether perfectly valid other solutions might work better for everyone.

I don't understand what part of this you are struggling with.

It's Christmas Day. The OP wants it to be a special day for herself and her children.

Making chicken nuggets for lunch with her children whilst her husband is absent is not special. It's like any other day.

And going to a lot of effort to make a big Christmas dinner for the evening, when her stepchildren aren't going to eat it and her own children are going to be tired and nearly ready for bed, is a waste of time.

The OP would like to be able to go to her own parents for Christmas lunch, or have a nice Christmas lunch with her husband and children, without having lunchtime completely obliterated every single year because her husband for some reason HAS to be in the car during that specific 90 minute window.

What, actually, is the problem with having the stepchildren come a little bit later so the OP can also enjoy Christmas lunch with her family?

Talk us through what the problem is.

The OP is saying that. She is saying every other year they would pick them up Boxing Day instead of Christmas Day. So that year Dad doesn't see them Christmas Day and presumably the other year Mum doesn't see them Christmas Day.

The suggestion of alternating Xmases would entail him not seeing his kids on Xmas Day.

Millions of families do this, precisely so that each parent gets a turn at an interrupted Christmas day rather than every year being a mishmash/not quite right for anyone.

I don't get any vibe that she wants to exclude her stepkids at all.

She is objecting to these things specifically:

1. Their Christmas Day being split down the middle.
2. Her husband doing all the driving.
3. Her not being able to go to her parents for Christmas lunch but having to always stay home AND make a Christmas dinner that her stepkids don't eat.

There's literally no reason why the arrangements can't be tweaked so those things don't happen.

OK she suggested alternating years, but other compromises are possible.

It's not unreasonable for the OP to object to these specific parts of the arrangements and also for her to want to give her own children nice Christmas memories and not have the day's events dictated by this particular arrangement being set in stone.

She's put up with it for five years, it's never really worked for her, and now she has her own children to consider as well she wants to see if it can be tweaked.

That's not the same as wanting to exclude her stepkids and I think it's really unfair to accuse her of that based on what she has actually said, which is perfectly reasonable.

The problem is the step mother walked into a relationship that already existed and wants to change the rules.

The OP wasn't suggesting the children come a little later, she wants Christmas with "just the three of us."

The problem is the step mother walked into a relationship that already existed and wants to change the rules.

So just petty principle because you morally object to a step mum changing anything even if it's not really causing a problem and a solution could be found that suits everybody, then. As suspected.

No, she suggested alternating years as a solution to the problem.

It is one of several possible solutions to the problem.

You seem to think she should just accept the problem because she was stupid enough to marry a man who already had kids.

It can be right for everyone, that is what you seem to be misunderstanding. It might not work for everyone but it works for many families.

It can be right for everyone, that is what you seem to be misunderstanding. It might not work for everyone but it works for many families.

But not this one, since OPs DH chose to make her and their child part of the family and it doesn't work for them.

I think this is a really good solution.

Would your husband be happy not drinking all day on Christmas though due to needing to go out in the evening?

I think your current situation is unworkable for the reasons you’ve mentioned and it can’t be nice for his children to have such a disjointed Christmas Day, spending half of it in one place and the second half in another.

My parents are divorced, have been since I was five, and I used to sleep at my dad’s house on Christmas Eve and spend Christmas Day with him and his side of the family and then he’d take me over to my mum’s house at about 4pm, where all her side of the family would be there too.

It never felt rushed and it felt like we got a good portion of Christmas Day being relaxed with my dad’s side of the family and we had our Christmas lunch there, followed by a lovey relaxing evening with my mum’s side of the family, having more presents to open and munching on naughty Christmas food until we finally fell asleep.

Petty principle that children who have already had significant disruption in their lives don't have further disruption. I suppose it depends how you rate petty.

So moving pick up time to, say 4pm, and having their mother do the driving every other year would cause serious disruption to these children's lives, would it?

Presumably she knew he already had a family. I wonder if she ever suggested that she'd only like to have his children round every other Christmas.

Petty principle that children who have already had significant disruption in their lives don't have further disruption. I suppose it depends how you rate petty.

Yeah, everyone else should just unfailingly accept anything that doesn't work for them even if a solution could be found that better suited everyone, just on the principle that things shouldn't change if SC are involved.

If you get a huge pay rise so could afford a lovely big house and have three more kids, it doesn't matter, you should stay in dad's original two bed flat because that's what they've always done and they can't have any more disruption. They can keep their original beds and everyone else can sleep on the floor. Makes perfect sense.

Presumably she knew he already had a family. I wonder if she ever suggested that she'd only like to have his children round every other Christmas.

She clearly said they originally agreed that Christmas plans could change down the line if it wasn't working.

Yes that's exactly what I said. Changing your bed when it needs changing is exactly comparable to not seeing your dad on Christmas Day.

Yes that's exactly what I said. Changing your bed when it needs changing is exactly comparable to not seeing your dad on Christmas Day.

It's an example of just why saying it's unreasonable to suggest change because she knew they already had an arrangement, entered an existing family and they cannot be further disrupted is petty and silly.

If you cannot see why the two are comparable, then you are only considering the possibility that changing how they do things on Christmas will automatically be for the worse, rather than just as good or better.

I'm not misunderstanding anything, thanks!

I don't suggest it's the only way to alternate, just to point out that both parents seeing the kids every Xmas Day also isn't the only way.

This thread is bonkers. OP you should have posted on the step-parenting board, we're all a lot more sane on there (for the most part anyway) as you know, we are actually step parents.

I'm a step mum, and honestly you should just alternate Xmas Day & Boxing Day each year. Personally my DP prefers to do all the pick-ups and drop offs as he's more in control of the timing and ex has been known previously to be late and 'faff' for want of a better word, so it's just easier this way. Everyone knows what they're doing this way too.

It honestly baffles me the amount of people who can't possibly go the odd Christmas Day without seeing their kids. This is what happens when you split, and totally irrelevant who instigated it. It wasn't working for a reason. I know my DP left his ex, and according to those on here it means he should be the one who suffers more for it (lets excuse the fact she was controlling & manipulative and cheated on him twice). What happens when these kids grow up and get families of their own? Seems like a lot of the mums on here are going to be giving them a hard time if they don't possibly prioritise seeing them every Christmas Day!!!

My dc asked, when they were old enough, to stop travelling between both houses on Christmas Day and just stay at one. The problem is, they only want to be at mine, not with their dad, whereas ex and I agreed that if they went to just one house on Christmas Day and swapped over on Boxing Day, we would alternate years. So it still hasn't solved anything. Ex-h is hurt that they don't ever want to spend Christmas with him. I'm slightly bemused by ex-h fixating on the 25th December when he's not religious and doesn't see extended family on the day anyway (for reference, I am religious so 25th December is something that can't be replicated on other days - we can turn up to church together for the feast of St. John, for example, but it won't be a Christmas service) so AFAIC there's no difference between him doing Christmas on the 25th, 26th, or 27th. And kids are stuck because they don't want to go to their dad's but they don't want to upset him.

I just don't think there's a perfect solution when you have blended families. It's hard enough keeping everyone happy when you only have one family to deal with!

YADNBU!

I have two children with ex-DP and two children with DH. Ex-DP also has two young children and we alternate Christmas each year I will drop DDs on Christmas Eve, and will bring them back early afternoon Christmas Day, so the other parent has the rest of the day and Boxing Day