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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2023 18:52

Suggest they stay on Xmas eve, go to your parents for Xmas lunch and they go to their mums after lunch so she can spend time with them. And the following year he does what he already does. I wouldn't suggest 'just the 3 of us' idea, you are basically asking him not to see his kids at Christmas.

One year he gets them Xmas eve and drops them home after after Xmas lunch, the next year he gets them as usual, 1pm Xmas day and go back to mums on boxing day.

pphammer · 11/10/2023 18:52

There's certainly margin for some adjustments but the one you suggest looks like a big one and not in your husband's favour

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2023 18:53

My suggestion above is assuming both kids are invited to your parents for lunch too?

H007 · 11/10/2023 18:55

I think YABU you can start a discussion about how Christmas would work best for everyone. However it is not fair to ask your DH not to spend Christmas Day with his children. I am sure you would be unhappy if he spent the day with those DC’s and not your DC.

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2023 18:55

@pphammer
I'm getting, your kids are an inconvenience can you please not see them every year. I think if that was a man saying that to a mother the mum would have plenty to say.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 18:57

Honeychickpea · 11/10/2023 18:44

The problem is that the first wives of Mumsnet feel that the OP would not be being sufficiently punished for being a second wife if she got any enjoyment out of Christmas.

Show quote history

It's certainly starting to look that way from where I'm standing.

NowWhatUsernameShallIHave · 11/10/2023 19:00

My exH and I alternate Christmas Day and new years

eg
i have my son on Christmas Day and he has him on Boxing Day
then I will have him on NYE but then stays at his dads that night into the new year
the next year we swap - we are not very amicable but this has worked for us

We didn’t want our son to basically split the days in half because That would just make it pants

TrishTrix · 11/10/2023 19:01

I never understand these threads. I'm a shift worker. My family have been shifting Christmas to accommodate me for years.

I'd strongly suggest that you simply mind shift Christmas Day to boxing day in your house. Get the kids later from the EX-wife. Get them home. Do Christmas Eve stuff - film, chat, argument!

Then have Christmas morning & lunch on Boxing Day. You could even ask your family to come!

If you present it as the way it is to your shared child they won't think it's that odd. Kids from Christmas Eve present traditions (Scandinavia etc) cope really well usually with getting gifts on Christmas Eve when their classmates get them on Christmas Day.

sandyhappypeople · 11/10/2023 19:02

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 18:44

No, I think the OP's problem is her husband buggering off for a couple of hours at lunchtime every Christmas Day so all their plans for ever more have to be worked around that.

Show quote history

So why not just talk to the husband about it then??.. at no point has she said they’ve discussed this between them.

Same old mumsnet, ‘poor me, poor me’ .. ‘well have you tried talking to your DH about it?’ .. ‘well, no actually’ ... !!!!

if the step children are always running late and you miss dinner with your parents because you’re too late to go to it, then organise picking the SC up a little bit later you all go to your parents for lunch .. you stay at your parents while he goes to collect SC .. it’s honestly not hard.

I get it’s not your place to change the arrangement, but if you can’t even have a CONVERSATION about it with your DH then there’s something really wrong in your relationship!

3WildOnes · 11/10/2023 19:03

I split my Christmas like this with my parents when I was a child and I loved that I got to see them both on Christmas day. I would have been pretty devastated if I was told I couldn't do it like that anymore as my dad was spending every other year just him and his new family.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 19:06

sandyhappypeople · 11/10/2023 19:02

So why not just talk to the husband about it then??.. at no point has she said they’ve discussed this between them.

Same old mumsnet, ‘poor me, poor me’ .. ‘well have you tried talking to your DH about it?’ .. ‘well, no actually’ ... !!!!

if the step children are always running late and you miss dinner with your parents because you’re too late to go to it, then organise picking the SC up a little bit later you all go to your parents for lunch .. you stay at your parents while he goes to collect SC .. it’s honestly not hard.

I get it’s not your place to change the arrangement, but if you can’t even have a CONVERSATION about it with your DH then there’s something really wrong in your relationship!

Show quote history

That's the whole point of the thread.

She's asking if she would be unreasonable to raise this with her husband and ask him if these arrangements can be reviewed.

And countless women have told her that she is being very unreasonable, and that shitty Christmases are the price she must pay for having formed a relationship with a man who already had children and a complicated Christmas routine with his ex wife.

saffronsoup · 11/10/2023 19:11

You married someone with children so there is no 'three of us'. He has two other kids. There is no 3 of us to him.

Just like you likely wouldn't drop your current child from your family and refer to just the 3 of us if you remarried and had another child. You probably also wouldn't be okay with your new husband suggesting ways to ensure Christmas's are just the '3 of us' and expecting you to not see your other kids over Christmas so you can spend the day with him and his family.

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2023 19:16

@MargotBamborough
He's hardly buggering off, he's picking up his children op knew he had before they married.

Buggering off🤣

dammit88 · 11/10/2023 19:18

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:51

My DH is absolutely against us not being together on Christmas Day itself, he'd be deeply wounded if I suggested that I go to my parents on my own for Christmas. I would be prepared to make this compromise but he won't

If you DH would jus take this compromise it would all be sorted wouldn't it? This seems the most simple solution?

saffronsoup · 11/10/2023 19:23

Imagine if the responses on her if the ex wife posted about her pathetic ex-husband who ditched his kids on Christmas to spend it with his new wife's family.

Livelovebehappy · 11/10/2023 19:25

Spend Xmas morning with your dh as you are doing now, then you take your dcs to your parents for the remainder of the day, leaving him to spend quality time with his dc, just the three of them. Then everyone’s happy.

MargotBamborough · 11/10/2023 19:30

YerArseInParsley · 11/10/2023 19:16

@MargotBamborough
He's hardly buggering off, he's picking up his children op knew he had before they married.

Buggering off🤣

Over lunchtime, yes. Every Christmas Day. Thereby completely buggering the OP's ability to do anything except wait for him to come back.

He can pick them up later in the day. And he can ask his ex wife to drop them off every other year.

What's wrong with that?

GreyDress · 11/10/2023 19:30

Just for a bit of balance - we split Christmas Day, and Christmas Day is undoubtedly the best day of the year. It’s only going to be shit and unsettling If the grown ups make it so.

Coffeepot72 · 11/10/2023 19:37

The problem is that the first wives of Mumsnet feel that the OP would not be being sufficiently punished for being a second wife if she got any enjoyment out of Christmas.

@Honeychickpea yep, totally agree

Josell12345 · 11/10/2023 19:39

I have a 21 yr old step.daughter and we have a 17 yr old son so when they were younger we would have her from boxing day for a week (didnt want to drive also 40 min there and back xmas day and we did all driving). Then we pushed for alt xmas after maybe 5 or 6 xmas's at her mums. This was agreed and we just had either a few days before xmas or xmas eve for 7 days. It was resisted a bit but its only fair to share the celebration. I dont think its in any way an unreasonable request.

IncomingTraffic · 11/10/2023 20:07

saffronsoup · 11/10/2023 19:23

Imagine if the responses on her if the ex wife posted about her pathetic ex-husband who ditched his kids on Christmas to spend it with his new wife's family.

Maybe she should be posting about her ex who has suggested a fairer arrangement where every other year they come to him for Christmas Eve and Christmas morning. And she comes to pick them up mid-afternoon.

saffronsoup · 11/10/2023 20:22

Coffeepot72 · 11/10/2023 19:37

The problem is that the first wives of Mumsnet feel that the OP would not be being sufficiently punished for being a second wife if she got any enjoyment out of Christmas.

@Honeychickpea yep, totally agree

Or maybe it is more that she can't get any enjoyment out of Christmas if his kids are involved. It isn't punishment. Children don't disappear because you remarry. If you are someone who can't get any enjoyment out of a holiday unless it is 'just the 3 of us' you shouldn't marry someone with kids.

GlitteryGreen · 11/10/2023 20:31

Ah @spookymooky1 , things like this are so hard. I have similar dilemmas myself.

Personally I'd be suggesting he pick them up Christmas evening, it's ridiculous that you are spending Christmas Day alone with your toddler, making a dinner no one will eat. That's not fair on you or your child. And even more unfair that he won't accept you going for a nice celebration with your family if he won't offer any flexibility!

I'd pick up Christmas evening then do Christmas celebrations on Boxing Day.

Rainbowstripes · 11/10/2023 20:45

I'm from a split family - when I was a young child (until about 8/9) we did it how you are doing it now. We then spent a few years doing complete alternate Christmases (I'd do Christmas eve evening until boxing day morning at one parents house and swap each year) and then from about 14 I chose where I wanted to go. I preferred spending all day at one person's house - the half day split meant it just felt like the whole day was spent travelling between different family members.

Potentialmadcatlady · 11/10/2023 20:48

Ask the children what they want….

A gentle word of warning.. be careful how you handle this because it might come back to bite you on the bum… I’m no Angel but I put my kids first and that meant a long lonely Christmas Day for me for years because ex had big family ‘who had to see the kids on Christmas Day’ every year… think big cousin filled Christmas with them all at grandparents alllllll of Christmas Day.
I moved my Christmas with the kids to Christmas Eve, including full Christmas dinner and they were then picked up early Christmas am and didn’t come back until last thing Christmas night, knackered and grumpy… This happened for years… I accepted it because I put my kids and their needs first.. it continued when he got a new partner with a child.
The kids didn’t get asked ( by him) what they wanted, they didn’t get to come home earlier if they wanted too ( he wouldn’t allow it)…
As soon as they were old enough they started to vote with their feet and they finally got to say what they wanted and act on it. Ex now hasn’t had Christmas with his kids in three years and they wont be going at all this year. Their choice- they want lie in, late breakfast, walk, late lunch and movies in front of fire with me. They had enough of him refusing to be flexible and they saw that for years I had put them first when he didn’t…
It comes across as you want ‘your family’ unit to have the best of Christmas, you don’t want him being put out by driving to collect his kids ( the courts generally do order that the person who moved away does the driving), the kids will v quickly sense this.. you say your parents don’t know them? Why? Why havnt they been accepted into the complete family unit? Those kids will pick up on it, they will vote with their feet ( and who could blame them)… what happens if you split up- would you like your kids to experience feeling unwanted and like they are an inconvenience?

Ask them what they want and put them ( and your own child) first…