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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
Phleghm · 10/10/2023 09:43

I'd ask, not because it makes things easier for you but because it's better for them not to have their Christmas day split.

Whattodo112222 · 10/10/2023 09:46

You can only ask. Depends how amenable his ex is also as it might affect her plans too.

Spinet · 10/10/2023 09:46

I don't think you're unreasonable to ask, but I wouldn't focus on 'Christmas just the three of us' consecutive years. I'd focus on having a full Xmas day with the step kids some years and a full day with them on boxing Day the others. It's the same message but presented as more focused around the step kids and will therefore likely be received more willingly. 😏

ZebraD · 10/10/2023 09:52

I would say collect them on Christmas Day but more like 6-7pm so that they have had a full day with their mum. Then it’s a bit of supper together and chat about their day and then ‘Christmas Eve’ again ready for Boxing Day. It must be an unsettling day for their mum having to rush to be ready for 1pm as well. It just doesn’t make sense to me. But I would definitely ask as I think it would be beneficial for both sides and of course the kids.

Willyoujustbequiet · 10/10/2023 09:53

How would you feel seeing your child every other Christmas Day?

It can't hurt to ask but if the kids and parents are happy with the arrangement I think then I think majority rules in this case.

Sirzy · 10/10/2023 09:54

Ideally they would spend the whole day every other Christmas with their Dad. Splitting the day seems unfair on everyone but I don’t see why mum should get every Christmas

Weatherwax134 · 10/10/2023 09:55

Agree with other posters that it doesn't hurt to ask, but I wouldn't want to miss Christmas day with my children every other year. If timings could be worked around so you get to do proper Christmas lunch before collecting them for a nice supper/treat meal later?

LaviniasBigBloomers · 10/10/2023 09:56

My best friend always split her Christmas Day like that and now, at the age of 50, talks very bitterly about how unsettling it was. Personally, I believe alternating Christmas Day is best for everyone except very small children so I'd present it as that.

However - I wouldn't say anything this year, it's already too late. I'd honestly wait and bring it up in January next year.

rwalker · 10/10/2023 09:57

Suggest Alternating Christmas Day till 5

ASCCM · 10/10/2023 09:58

Christmas Day down the middle is rubbish for everyone I would say!! Much nicer all round to have a full day and then another full day. so drop off in the evening would be so much better. Take turns to have Christmas Day / Boxing Day

FeebasAquarium · 10/10/2023 09:58

Where do they normally have Christmas dinner? If they’re not eating with you, it doesn’t seem unreasonable for your dp to pick them up after you’ve eaten as well. You’d (as in he) would have to speak to their mum as she may have already made plans too.

KitchenSinkLlama · 10/10/2023 10:02

If you split with your husband, what would you be happy with?

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 10:03

The thing is you start off making it seem like it is logistics that make it difficult to work with, but you end with 'Christmas just the three of us' which is a very different request and much more unreasonable.

I don't see why your DH having his kids from 1pm means you can't see your family at lunch some years?

I'm sure both parents want to see their kids on Christmas day, and it doesn't sound like either parent are unhappy with the setup.

Marblessolveeverything · 10/10/2023 10:04

You really want the children to not see their father on xmas day ? because that is what it looks like to them. They have a long standing tradition I would not be changing it - why do they have to facilitate your (the adult) want over theirs?

If you can rationalise that to yourself, your partner and them then fine. Those who say it cuts the day in two - well probably because the children get the best of both worlds as do their parents?

We don't do this - we manage to attend each others home for the day on alternative years - that way the children get the best of both worlds - all new partners over the years were advised this was the set plan and it wasn't changing - so far noone has had an issue.

Thisismynewusername1 · 10/10/2023 10:05

The issue I see in the future is how will you explain Santa on Boxing Day to your youngest?

will he visit twice? How will you manage Christmas Day if you are going to wait until Boxing Day?

I agree a better split would be for sdc to arrive later on Christmas Day. I’d ditch the Santa on that night, and do present exchange when they arrive, or have Santa leave gifts under the tree.

dh was never allowed to have his children Christmas Eve, and they spent Christmas Day with his ex’s family. So he picked them up late Christmas Day. Worked ok. Upsetting when they were young but once older and the Santa thing was over it was better.

SchoolQuestionnaire · 10/10/2023 10:10

What do the step kids want to do? In the kindest possible way this should be about what is best for them, not you. If they don’t enjoy traipsing around at Christmas then great. However if they love the way things are then I wouldn’t change as they may way instigate a new tradition themselves as they get older. You’ve only a few short years left where they enjoy the magic, the eldest may well be last it already but if he’s anything like mine he will continue to pretend for the younger ones which is lovely.

Russooooo · 10/10/2023 10:14

ZebraD · 10/10/2023 09:52

I would say collect them on Christmas Day but more like 6-7pm so that they have had a full day with their mum. Then it’s a bit of supper together and chat about their day and then ‘Christmas Eve’ again ready for Boxing Day. It must be an unsettling day for their mum having to rush to be ready for 1pm as well. It just doesn’t make sense to me. But I would definitely ask as I think it would be beneficial for both sides and of course the kids.

I like this idea. It seems more relaxing for everyone. Snuggling together for a Christmas movie that night would be a lovely new tradition. Perhaps you could also get into a new tradition of giving your DC a few presents on Christmas Day and a few more on Boxing Day so that they can all share the excitement on Boxing Day morning?

Coughingdodger · 10/10/2023 10:15

Ask the children.

Plankingplanks · 10/10/2023 10:16

Ex DH and I used to take it in turns to have the kids Xmas eve night. Whoever has them that night drops them to the others around 10am to enjoy the day with them. And keeps them till the next day.

Now they are older they do whatever they want (sometimes having 2 Xmas dinners in a day!!)

Dibbydoos · 10/10/2023 10:16

Phleghm · 10/10/2023 09:43

I'd ask, not because it makes things easier for you but because it's better for them not to have their Christmas day split.

I agree with @Phleghm

Look at it from the children's point of view. Christmas Day with mum, Boxing Day with Dad sounds so much better. My sis used to have Christmas Eve with her kids so their dad had them on Christmas Day. It worked perfectly and still does even as they're now adults!

GingerIsBest · 10/10/2023 10:18

I think that not splitting Christmas Day feels like a good idea for all involved, including your DC. So I'd be suggesting alternating it in some way that makes sense for all involved.

Personally, I would not want to be taking them home or collecting them at 6pm on Christmas night - by then everyone is stuffed, been drinking etc. So it comes down to whether your Dh and their mum are willing to do a Christmas Eve - Boxing Day on alternative years.

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 10:20

@GingerIsBest Personally, I would not want to be taking them home or collecting them at 6pm on Christmas night - by then everyone is stuffed, been drinking etc. So it comes down to whether your Dh and their mum are willing to do a Christmas Eve - Boxing Day on alternative years.

Would you actually prioritise drinking and lying on the sofa "stuffed" over collecting your own children on Christmas night?
It sounds like their dad is more than happy to pick them up.

Beamur · 10/10/2023 10:22

We settled into doing the same every year - suited everyone.
SC had Christmas Eve and most of Christmas Day with their Mum. She really enjoyed doing stockings for the kids and had little traditions that they did. Then she would drop them off at ours around 6 in the evening and we'd have a nice evening and buffet style tea, open presents and have a relaxing evening. We then all slept in on Boxing Day and had a late breakfast, kids played with their new stuff and then had another Christmas dinner in the evening.
DH didn't feel he missed out on Christmas Day with his kids as he saw them in the evening and everyone seemed happy with this.
Once we had DD it allowed me to have my own home traditions too without stepping on anyone's toes!

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 10:32

Phleghm · 10/10/2023 09:43

I'd ask, not because it makes things easier for you but because it's better for them not to have their Christmas day split.

But it would be disingenuous to say I was doing it for the good of his kids when they've been doing it that way for years, it's a compromise I'd like for the good of our relationship and that of my family.
Who am I to say what they've been doing for years hasn't been the best thing for the kids.
I think if it stayed like it is I'd like to see their mum doing some of the pick up/drop off.
I've also got to think what's best for my DC going forward as we are planning another baby

OP posts:
Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 10:35

But for the record I do actually think it'll be better for everyone

OP posts: