AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

I think any use of the phrase "just the three of us" to anyone will be inflammatory.

I would speak to DH about trying to give the boys 2 christmases. We did that as kids and one parent did a big Boxing day celebration for all the kids and it was amazing, the other parent didnt and tbh I felt awkward and empty opening presents on my own under the tree because the other step siblings had opened theirs a day before. It wasnt malicious but there was no christmas spirit at all. And lunch would normally be cold buffet from the previous day because the parent didnt want to cook twice. I had an amazing childhood, hut what I'm getting at is that you really need the boys there for the big day that you celebrate.

If that's Boxing Day then that will mean doing most of your own and your LOs presents on that day and a few token gifts on xmas day. The boys need to feel like part of the family xmas, not like they are opening presents a day later.

That might work for a couple of years, but the OP has a toddler, I don’t think a double whammy Christmas is going to be feasible every year for long. Much better to get a full day each and alternate every year. At least then everyone gets a day without having to rush about in the middle of the day. As the boys get older they will be more focussed on the presents rather than the magic!

I didn’t say they were lesser. I said that the discussions needs to look at the options in the round.

In these situations I suspect that anything falling short of preferential treatment for SCs is always viewed as insufficient.

I think the mum has a wayyy better deal than DH though, I'd be way happier if the kids came to us every Christmas Eve and got picked up at 1pm. We'd get every Christmas morning every year, but we wouldnt be so selfish to even suggest this. Mum has the Xmas morning, we arnt going to try and take that from her

What a crock of shite, no it isn't. It's for everyone.

Agree with PP, wouldn't it be better for them to have one full day with each parent - so xmas eve & day with mum and then xmas day eve & boxing day with you? It's just like having too christmas days but less rush and then if you're worried about your own little one, just save some presents back so they can open them and it will be like having christmas part 2!

maybe you suggest that maintaining the split day but alternating how it happens is a better option.

Why shouldn’t the SC get a Christmas Eve and morning with dad and their younger half sibling sometimes?

If the distance between the two homes isn't too far, I would do this.

So every other year they spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with you until 5pm and have Christmas lunch with you, then they go to their mum's for Christmas night and Boxing Day.

And every other year they spend Christmas Eve and Christmas Day with their mum, have lunch there, then come to you in the evening. You can have your Christmas lunch earlier in the day and just lay on some nice snacks for the evening.

I think this is the only way for them to see both of their parents on Christmas Day without it completely buggering up your day every year.

If the distance is quite far I would suggest moving to every other year so they don't spend half their Christmas Day in the car.

Absolutely this 👆
We had DSD at Christmas for the first time ever last year (mum has other options now) and it was amazing, she was so excited to be in on the secret about Santa and be part of making the magic happen for the younger DC!
She's already been talking to me about what we can do setting up presents this year and I am going to be so sad if she's back with her mum this year.

And split the pick up/drop offs?

Whoever has dc in the day time drops them off at the opposite spouse?

I do actually think that pick up at 1pm on Xmas Day would be less than ideal for the children, but if thats what they've decided and works for the four of them (mum, dad, their 2 shared children) then it really isnt any of your business to change.|

Your DH, was initially her DH. He left her, so she already has to spend 45% less time with her children than she planned for when she had them. So no, she shouldn't have to drive them to spend time with his "new family" halfway through the day on Xmas Day.

The fact you have decided to start a family, with a man who already had an established family, is your own cross to bear. And as a previous poster said, you have to fit into their routine. Even though your DH hasn't (yet) left you...would you be happy for a stranger to dictate the time you spend with your child at Christmas? Or any time? Because that's what you are in this equation.

Your child doesn't have any more right to spend Christmas with both their parents than his existing children...just because the bedroom arrangements have changed between parents. AND on top of all of that, the fact that you can't (won't) ask your family to accommodate a later meal so they can stick to their pre-existing routine is laughable.

The OP needs to be the adult who is advocating for her children in this scenario. They shouldn’t be treated as secondary considerations to the SC show and expected to just find what traditions they can scavenge at the margins.

It’s perfectly possible to create Christmas traditions with the step children in the current set up. The OP married someone with children already, so surely knew she would need to consider them in family holidays, birthdays, Christmas etc. She must have known it would impact her Christmas plans with her family (who she isn’t prepared to negotiate with).

The children weren’t given a choice for their parents to separate and remarry, had no say about being part of a blended family so the adults who did make those decisions need to find a way to make things work without disadvantaging the existing children further. Unless the step children want things to change, I’d be keeping Christmas the way they know it to be.

No. YOUR partner decided to move away from his kids. Therefore he facilitates the pick ups and drops offs.

How does she get xmas dinner into them ready for collection at 1pm? That seems very early on Christmas. Plus the kids are dragged away from their presents early but don’t get ‘Santa’ to the next morning in your house? This all sounds like the worst for everyone involved, and you are right to start thinking how you will work this around your own children.
Every other xmas sounds a better idea, or picking up (or them being dropped off) Christmas evening rather than 1pm.

OP you’re going to be back on here in a few years time kicking off because your ex only see’s your child every other Christmas with the attitude you have.

If I was him I would run a mile if my new partner wanted me to see my children on Christmas Day less to suit her and her family.

@spookymooky1
It wouldn’t necessarily require dictating a late Christmas Lunch. Your H and Stepkids could eat when they arrived. - I was thinking it could be much later actually, like arriving for dinner time, depending on the distances involved.

How about alternating: one year having them Christmas Eve until boxing day morning
Next year have them from boxing day morning through to the next morning. And have all your Christmas traditions, food etc on both days so they and your daughter always have the same experience with you.

The thing is, so many view any degree of change at all for the DSC as unacceptable and disadvantageous. There's a very strong argument that alternating the full day, so the children can be settled and also experience all parts of the day with both of their parents, could be as good if not better than the current system.

Meanwhile OP and her side of the family are very restricted by the current system. Changing things up could be better for everyone, including the DSC, or at least not make things worse for them - it is the logical thing to do. And yet for so many, any change at all to do with the DSC is unacceptable. It's all about the principle - you chose this and they didn't so you should put up with any negatives (because you deserve them) instead of making adjustments that could suit everyone.

And I would run a mile from a partner who did not care that I got to see my family because it was all about them and their right not to compromise. Alternating one Christmas with his family, one year with hers, and always seeing the DSC on Christmas Eve/Boxing Day on the year you don't have them on Christmas Day is the solution that actually considers everybody.

Actually, OP is thinking of suggesting DH might ask for the whole of half the Christmas Days rather than half of all of them so it would work out much the same in terms of hours spent.
If I ever split with DH I'd rather have a proper Christmas EOY than this crap every time and if not be shocked if OP said the same.

How about alternating: one year having them Christmas Eve until boxing day morning
Next year have them from boxing day morning through to the next morning. And have all your Christmas traditions, food etc on both days so they and your daughter always have the same experience with you.

This is the obvious answer. My SIL insisted on having her DC for Christmas Day (similar to your situation, H had left her) and therefore my Niece and Nephew know nothing of Christmas traditions from the other 50% of their family.

This whole thread could have been skipped by simply asking the kids.

Maybe they don't want to be traipsing about on Christmas Day and would rather a full day with mum one year followed by a full day with dad the next.

Maybe they desperately want to see both parents on Christmas Day.

Either way, the adults have to deal with the kids choice. If that means that you, an adult, who wants to see her adult parents on Christmas Day then maybe lunch will have to be a bit later to allow your husband and step children to join you. It may mean your husband and his ex wife have to suck up not seeing all their kids on Christmas every year.

We don't do Christmas Day handovers. My ex lives almost 3 hours away and my dd chooses where to spend Christmas. When she was little and we first separated and lived closer we did Christmas Day split and it made for a crappy rushed Christmas for everyone. She hated it and at 7 told us she wanted all Christmas Day in one place. Most years she spends Christmas Day with us as and her dad offers to work Christmas Day which he feels good about as it allows a colleague to be at home with their family, he treats it like any other day and then treats the 27th as Christmas Day with dinner etc. She loves this arrangement as there is no rushing and Christmas festivities last for almost a whole week.

I brought up a blended family, but the ‘other parents’ were not involved for different reasons.

However, one thing which you should consider - if you split with your husband, and he married someone else, would you accept the new woman making these decisions about your children? Obviously, it’s entirely hypothetical, but I always think it’s a good way to understand how other people might feel.

Leave it to the children, or to the parents to decide what they want. Don’t be the step parent who insists on change.

Er, no. Me and my DP are a partnership - change comes from him but we discuss things and decide together, I don't just put up with his decisions without having a say.