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AIBU?

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Original poster

AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

489 replies

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 09:41

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

OP posts:
Mikimoto · 10/10/2023 11:43

Could you start off with asking for Xmas Day pick-up to be 1130h so you at least all have lunch together, and father can relax for the rest of the day? If they don't fancy that, maybe ask them to either drop off or pick up¿

WildFlowerBees · 10/10/2023 11:44

Why haven't the kids been asked what they'd like? My dsd chose every other year because she wanted a full Christmas with each side. She felt very unsettled going between houses on Christmas Day. We lived close by so it was easy to see her and when she reached 8 she chose every other year. She's 20 this year and she's coming to us and we're really looking forward to it.

I often wonder why when kids are old enough they aren't always included in conversations about themselves.

Pinkdelight3 · 10/10/2023 11:46

What would have been ideal for you?

Parents being together presumably, but when they can't be then it generally becomes a compromise in most cases. You can't have 'your' little family in its ideal isolation because it's part of something bigger and your DC can't come first. Everyone has to fit in to some extent.

Blueblell · 10/10/2023 11:46

We always used to always have Boxing Day with my dad and it was a second Christmas Day type thing. The problem you have us that the 8 year old may still believe his presents are coming from Santa but perhaps not!

I think splitting the day at 1pm is no good for anyone in this situation.

Mari9999 · 10/10/2023 11:48

@spookymooky1 ¹
OP doing Xmas every other year with just for you may work fine for you, but your husband's family unit never consists of just the 3 of you. His family unit always consists. of 5.

It might be appropriate to ask him and the older boys how they would feel about this plan. Perhaps you can go to visit your parents on Xmas evening and leave the older 2 boys at your home or your husband can stay at your house. You husband might even alternate going with you one year and stayed home with the older boys on another year.

I do think it is unreasonable to expect a partner to arrange their life as though their family unit is elastic. His unit will always be a unit of 5 until or if you have another child. It is reasonable that at times you think in terms of 3, but his thoughts should always be in terms of 5. However, the boys are getting older and may prefer skipping Xmas at your house completely.

Bottom line is I would never propose a plan to my partner that involved excluding any of his children on a day that he would expect to have them. You have 55% of the time to be a unit of 3.

Your proposal only seems reasonable if your husband and the 2 boys agree.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:49

@Blueblell yes it needs to ascertained if the young one still believes in Santa if so then it doesn't change. I'm not looking to change things this year but going forwards.
I would be happy with a fairer pick up and drop off arrangement too

OP posts:
Ireallywantsomechips · 10/10/2023 11:49

I think it’s odd when people get upset about not doing things or seeing people specifically on Christmas Day. You can technically celebrate it any day you like so it seems bonkers for these kids to be shipped around just so both parents can see them on Christmas Day.

Mrsttcno1 · 10/10/2023 11:50

Splitting the day at 1pm is only “not good” for OP and her family. Splitting at 1pm means both parents get to spend half of Christmas Day with their children, the kids get to see both parents for what is really equal time, and driving to go get your children on Christmas day is hardly a big hassle to spend time with them on that special day. This plan has pre-dated OP coming into their lives. There are many men out there who do not already have children and families, if you choose to have a child with a man who already does, then you accept that you fit into THEIR routine, they don’t have to change their routine for you.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:51

My DH is absolutely against us not being together on Christmas Day itself, he'd be deeply wounded if I suggested that I go to my parents on my own for Christmas. I would be prepared to make this compromise but he won't

OP posts:
Whenisone · 10/10/2023 11:51

Your DSC only have limited time with their Ddad, it seems right that they are the priority at Christmas time (over your DC who live with their Ddad full time).

I would also imagine that your DH actively wants to see his DC on Christmas Day?

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 10/10/2023 11:53

Is it feasible for you to go and spend the whole Christmas period with your side of the family, and your H and step kids join you on Xmas day - H picks up his two oldest and drives to your extended family’s area? So you get Christmas with your extended family and H sees all his kids together from Christmas day evening onwards? Not every year, but as an option sometimes ?

Mrsttcno1 · 10/10/2023 11:54

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:51

My DH is absolutely against us not being together on Christmas Day itself, he'd be deeply wounded if I suggested that I go to my parents on my own for Christmas. I would be prepared to make this compromise but he won't

And he will feel exactly the same about his children, very rightfully so.

You need to remember he already had a family and you added to it, so he is never going prioritise a christmas “just the three of you” like you would.

Also, as you’ve already said your partner moved away, so of course he has to do the driving back and forth.

Coffeerum · 10/10/2023 11:54

OP your previous post does make you sound even more unreasonable and only concerned about your own little family.
It bothers you that your step child hears you and your husband talking while you are chatting and making dinner in the family kitchen?? A classic example of apply the same thing to your own children!
Their existence seems to bother you.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:54

PercytheParkKeepershedgehog · 10/10/2023 11:53

Is it feasible for you to go and spend the whole Christmas period with your side of the family, and your H and step kids join you on Xmas day - H picks up his two oldest and drives to your extended family’s area? So you get Christmas with your extended family and H sees all his kids together from Christmas day evening onwards? Not every year, but as an option sometimes ?

But that would be dictating that my family have a late Christmas lunch, I don't want to dictate to that degree, I wouldn't even suggest it

OP posts:
Toobear · 10/10/2023 11:55

Surely your DH would also be “deeply wounded” if you suggest that he no longer sees his DC at Christmas?

Foreveristoolong · 10/10/2023 11:56

My dh used to have to do every other year where he collected his dc Xmas eve morning and took them back Boxing Day night. A long drive both ways till I said enough as it was great fri his dc but shit for ours.

Now he sees them every year 27 dec - 30 dec

Coffeepot72 · 10/10/2023 11:56

Whenisone

Your DSC only have limited time with their Ddad, it seems right that they are the priority at Christmas time (over your DC who live with their Ddad full time).

Seriously???

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 11:58

But that would be dictating that my family have a late Christmas lunch, I don't want to dictate to that degree, I wouldn't even suggest it

Surely it’s less drastic to suggest a late lunch than to dictate the removal of DSC from Christmas Day?

Mrsttcno1 · 10/10/2023 11:59

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 11:54

But that would be dictating that my family have a late Christmas lunch, I don't want to dictate to that degree, I wouldn't even suggest it

Show quote history

You don’t want to dictate your family push lunch back a little bit, but you’re happy to dictate that your husband only see his kids every other Christmas or for less time on Christmas day to suit you and your plans ???

You should have had children with a man who didn’t already have a family if you wanted everything to be all about you.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 12:01

@Mrsttcno1 it wouldn't be a little bit, it would be 2 hours

OP posts:
scarceiron · 10/10/2023 12:01

@spookymooky1 honestly it was probably the best of all other possible scenarios in the circumstances - as a child I wouldn’t have liked to have not seen one of my parents on Christmas Day (and having two sets of presents to open was always a bonus!) While my parents didn’t enjoy the part of the day we weren’t with them as much, I think it was still preferable for them than alternating full Christmases with either parent and worked as a compromise. My parents only lived about a 20 minute drive from each other, so it didn’t take up too much of the day. Also made easier by there being no other DC on either side and didn’t tend to get any visits from extended family either. Good luck OP, I know it’s a really difficult situation that you’re trying to make work for everyone - it’s one of those situations where the best solution will vary from family to family!

tenpoundpombear · 10/10/2023 12:01

Can you alternate and do Christmas Eve and Christmas Day morning one year and Christmas Day afternoon and Boxing Day the next? That way you have them every other Christmas Day morning for presents? You could do the Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve.

Your small child will only know the traditions you put in place now and to be honest I'd sacrifice wider family so my husband could spend Christmas with his children. ALL of them. Yes, it's not ideal to split the day but it's fairer to your husband and the kids.

enchantedsquirrelwood · 10/10/2023 12:03

Whenisone · 10/10/2023 11:58

But that would be dictating that my family have a late Christmas lunch, I don't want to dictate to that degree, I wouldn't even suggest it

Surely it’s less drastic to suggest a late lunch than to dictate the removal of DSC from Christmas Day?

I agree, seems like a minor adjustment to make.

Original poster
spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 12:03

I think I'll maybe leave things as they are but ask if the mum can do every other pick up and drop off

OP posts:
enchantedsquirrelwood · 10/10/2023 12:03

spookymooky1 · 10/10/2023 12:01

@Mrsttcno1 it wouldn't be a little bit, it would be 2 hours

Still a minor adjustment.