AIBU to ask my husband to change Christmas traditions with DSC

[spookymooky1]

My husband has two children from his previous relationship, both boys one aged 8 and one 12. We have been married three years and together for 5, I was not the other woman.
He basically gets his kids 45% of the time. He does all the pick ups and drop offs and their mum lives around 40 minutes drive away.
Christmas (yes I know it's early but in a step family you do start thinking of plans well in advance) he normally picks the DSC up at 1ish on Christmas Day and keeps them until Boxing Day 6ish.
This has never been ideal for me and now we have a 2 1/5 year old toddler I'm wondering if it's time for a change.
him picking up his kids at 1pm means it splits our day right down the middle, we can't go to my families for Christmas lunch and they've often eaten lunch at their mums so won't touch my Christmas tea.
They always had their Christmas Day on Boxing Day morning (Santa came to dads on Christmas night) I don't think the boys believe in Santa anymore.
AIBU to ask every second year we do Christmas the three of us and collect them on Boxing Day morning? I don't mind things staying the same this year but any suggestions moving forward would be appreciated

@LadyLapsang I don't think they'll have thought about it too much, it's just what they've always known. I think it would be hard on their mum to lose Christmas morning with them as she makes a huge effort so I don't think alternative years with us having Christmas Eve would work for her and the kids. My DH hasn't had them Christmas morning since the youngest was a baby, before he left

How would you feel only seeing your child on Christmas Day every other year? How would your child feel only seeing one parent on Christmas Day each year?

I think ask the kids what they actually want. If they want to change it then okay, but you have to remember these are his children just like your child is. As a step parent, you do have to accept to an extent that they were a family before you came along, you fit into their current set up. You chose to start a family with someone who already had children and who is by the sounds of it very involved with his children, you are ALL a family that want to spend time together on special days, not just the new little family you have created.

The very least of a compromise would be for the ex to drop them off if they decide this split day crap must continue. Its not fair for the DH to be away for minimum 1.5 hours smack bang in the middle of every Christmas day because it's what suits his ex.

This

*wouldnt work

1 o'clock is a duff time for pickup it must make their morning rushed with mum. And little time to actually pay with anything or see their extended family (Aunties Grandparents etc) either.

I would suggest chatting to the kids see what they want.

I have always split Xmas day with my ex.
Who ever had her Xmas eve would then have Xmas day from about lunch time and the next day.

Dh had pretty much Xmas eve and Xmas day dropping back Xmas night.

We have small kids together, and spend time with our extended family based on the best circumstances that suit that particular year.

No way would either of us would have alternated so the kids weren't with us and their siblings and extended families for at least part of the day.

Their younger siblings have been born into a blended family. It's the reality of their life as much as it is for our respective step children.

So while they don't ever have to wake up Christmas morning without being with DH or I, they might spend a bit of time during the day while we are dropping and collecting.

Its no different to the people all around the world who collect and drop of friends or relatives Xmas day leaving their spouse and kids at home to spend time together.

You can suggest it but as a SP and bio parent had my dh my response would have been no.

One of your step children has changed sex from your previous thread in step parenting. It’s very clear from there that you hate having them around.

What are the relationships like between you all? Can you bring this up and talk about it together, including the kids and their mum? Things change but there's no reason that has to be bad. I still encourage you not to use the expression 'just the three of us' at any point during the conversation though. Make it about having every day of Xmas be as cosy and easy for everyone as possible, not about excluding anyone from bits of things.

We spend xmas day together, with my ex and his girlfrend and which whichever set of grandparents are visiting. Officially, we split the holiday into first week and xmas at A and then the second week boxing day to NYD with B. However, the kids like to see both of us so for four years, their needs come first. TBH we have always had a good time!

To me the heavy pressure of sentimentality about christmas is bloody destructive. You are buying into the worst aspect of it. Just Your child and Your parents.

Also, FWIW, your little one will most probably find the 'three of you' quite boring once they get to a stage of actually appreciating what the day represents.

Suggest alternative so all the kids are involved. not so yours gets special treatment. As a spouse, i would find this trait of yours deeply unattractive.

Christmas is for children, and you sound awful.

I think it’s fine to say that what you really want is to sometimes (perhaps as you say, every second year) have Christmas Dinner with your extended family on your side, with your children. And that your husband and step children are very very welcome to participate in that. But currently the step kids doesn’t work well for it. So either every second year you go to your family with your child and future possible baby and the step kids routine stays the same. Or your husband and his ex agree to adapt the routine so that either the step kids and your H can come with you to your extended family.

We have a split Christmas Day which alternates each year.

In the beginning, it was better than the agreement before and we were just grateful to have it. It was court ordered so changing it isn’t an easy option.

We did have to have conversations with both our families, we now have a Christmas Day with my family who are a long way away, a Christmas Day with DP’s family who are also disparate and actual Christmas with the kids.

To be honest, I prefer it as it’s less stressful.

We do however, deliberately make it less stressful. I don’t cook a Christmas Dinner - we already do that with family.

That means we’re not fussing about times because one of us isn’t pinned to the kitchen, or waiting for the kids, we just buy nice food that the kids see as a treat and it’s easy to prepare. We keep the things we love - crackers for example and ignore the things we don’t.

It probably sounds a bit like a shit Christmas, but in truth it’s so much better. Everyone gets what they like. Everyone gets to see everyone and it’s less rushed.

But I did have to change to accommodate the children, as did DP. It can be hard to let go ‘of perfect’ but it’s what we signed up to when we signed up to each other.

We have asked the kids before and they can’t imagine a Christmas where they don’t see both parents…so while it’s faff, moving between places…what’s important to them is still that they see both people and that’s why we’ve worked so hard around it.

I do know the other parent would never agree to alternating, because on the other side of that, they too have family and friends who come together on Christmas Day with their own traditions. It wouldn’t just be our Christmas and that of the kids we would affect, it would be a whole other family too and the kids having that experience as well as ours.

It’s also quite ironic that OP as an adult wants to prioritise seeing and eating with her parents on Christmas, but of course step children couldn’t possibly feel the same.

Maybe the OP sensibly changes the odd detail from time to time, to protect her privacy.

I've also got to think what's best for my DC going forward as we are planning another baby

Afraid you do sound awful. He already had two DC when you picked him and this is the arrangement that works. It doesn't work for you, but you have his baby anyway and now you're planning another and pushing the other two out. Don't you think it's nice for all the siblings to be together at Christmas? And this has been asked, but it's the most salient point - how would you like not seeing your DC every other Christmas? You wouldn't even consider it, would you? Yet you want him to give up seeing his DC to play happy families with you. I wouldn't find a man who did that very attractive as dad material tbh.

Then she should do a better job of it and change her name then shouldn’t she.

Do you need to be so unpleasant @MotherofWomen ??

I would think that the arrangement of alternative Christmas Days should have been in place from the start.

This picking up at 1pm every single Christmas feels quite messy and deprives both parents of ever having a relaxing day with their dc
Your dh can’t go anywhere different because he pick up how dc at 1pm and the mother’s Christmas morning is rushed thru to get dc ready with packed bags for their df’s collection.Both then miss out on wider family celebrations.
Pick up should be Christmas Eve evening to Boxing Day morning alternate years

It’s an observation on a public forum. Nothing unpleasant about it.

When I was growing up I’d spend Christmas Eve until lunchtime Christmas Day with my Mum (with Christmas dinner on Christmas Eve to avoid 2 huge dinners in a day!) and then from Christmas afternoon & Boxing Day with my Dad (we’d usually have Christmas dinner at about 4/5pm). It wasn’t ideal but it was a workable compromise for a good 10 years or so.

@Yalta the mum likes Christmas morning with her DC which I totally understand so I don't think Christmas Eve is an option

God, divorce is miserable for kids.

But what about what the children would like? Sadly none of the adults here seem to be considering them.

What would have been ideal for you?

Agree with Coffeepot72.

@MotherofWomen - another one who finds your posts unpleasant, and definitely not well intentioned.