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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
iovebread · 10/10/2023 21:11

Hmmm. I think it's okay that she responded and told you how she feels.
Some people see gifts as a token of love, maybe your mum's love language is gifts?

But I'm not sure how you messaged her exactly, but it may have sounded like: "we're not doing presents for anyone this year except for the kids, including you, capeesh"

That's probably what she meant by it's hurtful. The way you told her, even thought you didn't mean it that way. And maybe the rest of what she wrote she just meant "I don't feel appreciated", because in that moment, she didn't.

Mums are human.

Maybe just see her in person and explain and hug it out and hopefully come Xmas, you'll have something really nice for her that didn't really require much expense at all but shows how much you thought of her :)

jenpil · 10/10/2023 21:12

Doodar · 10/10/2023 21:09

You should get her something. Nothing worse than home made tat from kids tbh.

What?! You're kidding!

It may seem like tat, but they have put their heart and soul into making it.

Plus, that's the stuff you may treasure in later years when all the tat has long gone.

Solonge · 10/10/2023 21:15

theleafandnotthetree · 10/10/2023 20:51

I am aghast and honestly think you are a mug of the highest order if you do a lot of unpaid childcare and barely expect a present for it. And as for being privileged and lucky to have so much contact, why? Are your grandchildren the second coming? Not sure if this is you, but I think there's a lot of women on thus thread being walked all over and trying to find a way of not admitting that to themselves. Oh I don't mind! I don't matter! So long as the children are happy!

Show quote history

So you are aghast? Im absolutely lucky because I get to spend time with my grandkids. My best friend died at 50 and never met her grandkids. My generation were able to buy homes reasonably, have inexpensive child care so we could work and had an easier time than my kids generation have had. I dont need gifts, I genuinely enjoy my grandkids. I guess Im the lucky one.

Flyhigher · 10/10/2023 21:15

Don't think £45 is going to put you in penury. It has though soured a nice Christmas. She has to shell out for three kids. You could make her feel special this Christmas. It's about family. Not just kids. She does some lovely things for you.

Solonge · 10/10/2023 21:18

Loubelle70 · 10/10/2023 20:55

But respect doesnt cost anything surely?. Btw i do all those things for my DD and GC im not a martyr by saying I don't want need anything for doing things for them. Because i don't. Buying a gift for me doesn't equate my worth.
I would rather spend time with DGC and DD at xmas, as corny as it sounds, that's my gift from them, all of us being happy and making memories at Christmas. If i want anything, i will buy it myself.

Show quote history

Wow…respect has a financial value? People that expect gifts are selfish. If time with your DG isnt enough then you arent much cop as a GP.

Frazzledmummy123 · 10/10/2023 21:18

Maddy70 · 10/10/2023 08:45

I think its the fact you aren't giving her anything ..
She's hurt. You could have made her something, painted her a picture or dried sine flowers and put them into a frame or something thoughtful a voucher for a picnic in the park together..
She isn't being greedy she's upset that you are not giving her any effort I think you explained it badly and she feels hurt. Its not that she wants you to spend money

This^

shivawn · 10/10/2023 21:21

Hmmm my mum does a lot for me too, especially since I had my son so it's a priority for me to show her how much it is appreciated where I can. It sounds like her feelings are really hurt and she's just voicing that to you. I'd apologize and get her a nice gift if you can afford it at all.

Eddyraisins · 10/10/2023 21:34

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 21:09

@theleafandnotthetree Completely agree. It’s almost Victorian. The self sacrifice and lack of individual identity is hardly a hallmark of a modern woman. If I want something expensive I buy it for myself. I quite agree with not being a role model of a doormat.

Does this equate to gifts and consumerism? Why?

Eddyraisins · 10/10/2023 21:35

Doodar · 10/10/2023 21:09

You should get her something. Nothing worse than home made tat from kids tbh.

This thread!!

Blush
VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/10/2023 21:37

@TizerorFizz no, I'm not a martyr to my grandchildren. I'm 43 so I still work full time, and I also have hobbies, but I spend time with them when I can and I enjoy seeing them and I occasionally pick them up from school or babysit when I can.

I know my daughters respect me and appreciate me. I don't need gifts to prove it!

The fact that you expect gifts and equate that as respect is odd.

Plus you might find your feelings change if you get grandchildren. It's very different to being a mum.

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 21:44

@Eddyraisins Not sure I understand your question. Consumerism keeps shops anx retail businesses open. It keeps people employed. It keeps our companies in business. The and their employees pay tax. That’s good for the country. Hardly a great boost to the economy if we all stop buying! It’s a disaster in fact. Make the high street vibrant and spend within your personal
limits.

TheBeesKnee · 10/10/2023 21:44

I think if you are going to get into credit card debt over £45 you have far bigger issues going on in life.

Could you not just a few things you don't use or want on Vinted to raise Christmas funds?

uncomfortablydumb53 · 10/10/2023 21:46

Your Mum is acting like a child herself
She is placing her value on the gifts she expects!
I have adult DC's and I'd rather they didn't spend their money on me and most of my friends would feel the same
I'm sure you show your gratitude for her help anyway

Tourmalines · 10/10/2023 21:54

I highly doubt 45 quid would put you in debt . Surely you could have put a few quid aside every now and then the last few months . I bet you could have cut back on the takeaway coffee or the takeaway meal. Or some other unnecessary tack .It seems you had your mind set up already that you did not want to spend on her .

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/10/2023 22:08

@Tourmalines £45 could buy some selection boxes, some colouring or art bits, and a couple of £15 toys for the children.

Or £45 could buy the Christmas Dinner and desserts, plus some munchies.

Runnerinthenight · 10/10/2023 22:29

It's not about the gift is it!!

It's about making her feel like she's not important - yet you're expecting her to shell out for 3 children??

I'd love to know - and I did ask earlier - who is doing Christmas dinner??? Bet it's dear old mum (senior).

Cornishclio · 10/10/2023 22:30

I am 63 and a GP and do regular childcare. I would understand totally if my DDs couldn't afford Christmas presents for adults particularly at the moment with COL and mortgage increases. No way would I want them to go into debt. Surely adults can understand monetary gifts don't equate to love or appreciation for things they do for their adult DC. Christmas gift giving for adults has been scaled right back in our family thankfully.

Cornishclio · 10/10/2023 22:43

TizerorFizz · 10/10/2023 20:28

@VeterinaryCareAssistant I expect respect. As neither DDs are paupers they would get me and DH a present. They already appreciate what I do and have done for them over the years. So it’s unlikely to be a choice between GC or me. I don’t tell them what I want! They know me well enough to know. As for those saying CG come first! Are you just a martyr to them then? I wasn’t to DDs so not likely for GC. As a family we don’t do time and effort without respect in return. Respect at Christmas is a gift. A small one is fine.

I’m amazed how many grandparents (women) put up with being free childcare and would put up with no Christmas present. Self respect is important to me. All this “I didn’t ask mum but she does it anyway” is utter rubbish. Appreciate the help and reciprocate. Good manners really.

As you are not a GP though your DDs don't have children to buy for. In my book respect does not equate to gifts. People's ideas of paupers are different too. Even in this day and age people are having to make a choice between eating and heating the house and worse for young families as childcare is expensive and mortgage rates have gone through the roof. Are you really saying that you would expect them to prioritise giving you a gift over sorting out gifts for their children?

I think that is sad as spending time with my GC and DDs is more important than any trinket and I can quite easily buy gifts for myself.

itsnotmeitsu · 10/10/2023 22:46

I hate the idea of 'token' gifts, particularly when it involves chocolate, flowers, etc. It means you don't care, so you're offering a token. I'd rather have nothing. But I understand if people usually exchange gifts you'd want to let people know why you can't do that. If I was on the receiving end I'd far rather have a lovely card (perhaps home-made?); with something written in it, than chocolates, flowers, toiletries, picked up in a supermarket.

Tourmalines · 10/10/2023 22:48

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/10/2023 22:08

@Tourmalines £45 could buy some selection boxes, some colouring or art bits, and a couple of £15 toys for the children.

Or £45 could buy the Christmas Dinner and desserts, plus some munchies.

Where there is a will there is a way . She messaged her mother that she doesn’t want to buy “people” anything just for the “sake” of it . Charming thing to say . As I said , she had months to put a few quid aside . She obviously didn’t want too .

Toenailz · 10/10/2023 22:51

I was initially going to vote YANBU but having read the full original post, and subsequent updates, you're being a bit of a twat. 'I had told her that we only want gifts for the kids this year and to not buy for me or dh.'

Fucking hell. Why do you think you are entitled to tell her to get gifts for the kids this year, when you've told her you're doing fuck all for her? That's wide as fuck.

I know when you become a parent your child becomes your universe, but they don't become everyone elses. It doesn't mean they don't love the kids in the family, it just means they're not the centre of the actual universe.

Your kids should be your priority, where the situation calls for it. Buying a present for your mum isn't a situation that calls for it, you're just being mean. I don't understand people who, when they have kids, decide to fuck off everybody else, but still expect their children to get presents, it's selfish OP.

How thoughtful your mother is to sneak away your dirty washing and bring it back for you clean etc. I suspect she does a lot of thoughtful things. Not just for you, but for your kids too.

I had a conversation with my mother yesterday. She hasn't bothered her to visit me in the several years since I moved away. It's always been me. Now I have dogs I asked her if I could bring them in order that I can still visit her and she said no. Just because. Just because there would be dogs in the house for about 3 days. All this in the same conversation where I told her I was giving her some money to help her out (I'm far from rolling in it, we struggle hard at times). I wish my mother were a bit more like yours.

You sound like a cheeky fucker and a complete taker. Don't forget the people around you that aren't your kids, OP. You won't burn bridges over a christmas present, but just might with the overall underlying attitude that no one else matters.

Toenailz · 10/10/2023 22:59

Also think you've been thinking far too much of yourself and own situation to realise your mum told you that she doesn't have much money either, but would still buy you a gift, in addition to the kids.

You mention only your mum so I'm guessing she's on her own as well, whereas you're not and have DH.

I agree it's not about the gift at all, it's the 'me, I, my life/situation' attitude and not much thought given to anyone outside this.

DisquietintheRanks · 10/10/2023 23:01

Cornishclio · 10/10/2023 22:30

I am 63 and a GP and do regular childcare. I would understand totally if my DDs couldn't afford Christmas presents for adults particularly at the moment with COL and mortgage increases. No way would I want them to go into debt. Surely adults can understand monetary gifts don't equate to love or appreciation for things they do for their adult DC. Christmas gift giving for adults has been scaled right back in our family thankfully.

If my child told me they didn't want to buy me a Christmas present because it would drive them into debt I'd be quite seriously concerned about how they were going to afford a third child.

VeterinaryCareAssistant · 10/10/2023 23:05

@Toenailz you're not a grandparent either, are you?!

Cornishclio · 10/10/2023 23:06

@DisquietintheRanks

Presumably the unpaid maternity leave is because of the baby the OP had in the summer? No mention of a third child and the OP will go back to work eventually.