I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

Obviously if you are correct (we don’t know DH’s circumstances) there would need to be a compromise. It is hard for me to imagine a mum who wouldn’t be fine with a £20 gift rather than a £45 gift if money is tight.

But I think the child care provided over the summer holiday was substantial and
very gracefully offered - saying you want to build a relationship with DGCs doesn’t ordinarily mean 2 days of hard work every week! That was to make it easy for OP to accept the help. And the laundry fairy is a gift from the gods.

So one can justify spending more on OP’s mum, if necessary. £20 on her and £10 on the other parents adds £50 to the Christmas total. Unless you’ve been cutting back to the bone already, not much. Though I dislike the calculations, perhaps they are necessary this year.

I am not a gran and I agree the greater joy can be in the giving, but these women saying ‘I would do anything for my adult DC and I don’t need anything in return’ don’t have a balance that feels right to me.

Surely as DC become adults the goal is a somewhat reciprocal relationship, unless and until one party has further needs? Give them a kidney without a second thought, sure. But I know how I would feel if I wasn’t thanked. And I don’t mean perfunctorily.

Shes giving her token gifts-handmade stuff from the kids but the mum doesn't seem to want to appreciate that either. Yes its her mum but that doesnt give her the right to act like a spoiled brat just because this lady has told her that shes gifting her handmade stuff due to not affording her usual spend on her gifts. Her mum should appreciate whatever she gets. It is after all a gift and handmade stuff from the kids will still have had a lot of thought put into them

Is it just me or am I getting the impression that your mum doesn't really like your hubby very much? The fact she says shes does a lot for your family "including him" says to me that she maybe tolerates him purely because he's with you. I mean i could be wrong please correct me if this is the case.

tbh even if the mum is a mean old cow and no longer gives support - it's going to cost OP and DH a lot more in childcare and so on.

The investment in a gift seems worthwhile to me, especially if OP wants her DCs to have a relationship with granny going forward. Maybe DHs parents can step in. I wonder if they'd get a 50 quid gift, since it comes out of his salary?

so many questions 😀

Okay, I’ll amend that to ‘we’re not bothering with anyone but our own kids this year’ then. But these adults are still being asked to fork out on OPs family?.. it’s crass to blurt it out the way OP has on a text message and I can understand why her mum says she’s hurt by it, I’d never have done this to my own mum, even if I was broke I’d have spoken to her in person and explained the situation.

I think it’s hard to say if the mum is being unreasonable or if it’s a bigger issue in that she feels taken for granted and Christmas and birthdays are the one and only time that she feels appreciated? OP seems quite dismissive of her mums help, even though she says she’s a great mum, she says in her posts ‘she offers to help, I don’t ask for it’ which makes it seem that she doesn’t feel like she has to appreciate her mums help because she hasn’t ASKED her to help her?

whatever you want to do at Christmas, for whatever reason, you should treat your loved ones with more consideration then sending them a text message in October to say they won’t be getting a Xmas present off you this year.. but the kids want x,y & z!

I actually read that as OP is using the reason that SHE’S got no money to buy anyone gifts this year, and completely ignored the fact that DH is earning and they have family money still although not as much obviously.

I think the mum is saying that she helps out her DH as well (not just OP) so why would Xmas presents be OPs sole responsibility to buy?

You should have had a chat rather than sending a text message.
As a Grandmother I help my daughter with grandchild and am happy to do what I can . Yes I do offer ,rather than being asked and my daughter is very appreciative . Am not a martyr and like to make life easier when I can . It’s called being a Mum.
Am definitely not grabby greedy etc but a small thoughtful present is welcomed and I would feel a bit of a piss take if I was text in October ,to say not getting you a present but this is what the kids would like !

Your Mum sounds very useful indeed in what she does for you. She has saved you a fortune in childcare. She sneaks home your washing and brings it back all done, she puts herself out for you and your kids. £1 a week is all you would have had to set aside to get her a decent present (for the sake of it) but you eliminate her from the equation. Lousy carry on.

That's exactly what she said and her mother gave her the silent treatment then said that she was upset.

Don't blame her to be honest, she doesn't figure highly enough in the important people stakes to get a present even though she has done so much for them. her daughter who has gladly taken free childcare and help and accepted dinners being brought and clothes washed, dried and brought back cannot spare £1 a week to buy her mum a gift. Mortified for the OP.

she took a few days to formulate an answer. That isn't "the silent treatment"

The kids were going to make some clay bits for her and my dad, handprint mugs and baubles and the like. Really?
And it's only early October

Perfunctorily? You mean without a financial ‘give’? Frankly I wasnt brought up to expect gifts. My parents were working class and expectations werent encouraged. As comfortably off grandparents I want my kids to spend on their kids, not us. The balance is there for us when my kids thank us for all we do, I dont need financial proof!

She is giving her hand made gifts from the children

Handmade "bits", not gifts.

I’m sorry but if my daughter messaged me this I’d be utterly heartbroken. It’s not about the cost of the gift but the thought involved. You’re not telling me the kids couldn’t make a nice photo frame / packet of home made fudge ? How about taking her on a day out to a national trust place? Making some lavender packets for her wardrobe. I’m sure she doesn’t expect a Cartier watch , but especially if she is involved in helping with the children , a token is really important to many people. I also think encouraging your children to take gifts without caring to give anything in return ( no matter how small) is an appalling example to your kids.

I wasn’t thinking in terms of money but attitude, @solange. One can express heartfelt thanks in many ways

Has OP said she has only said a perfunctory thanks to her mum? My kids are really grateful and say so. Would much rather a cuddle and hug and warm thankyou from my kids than a gift.

@ Solange, my post on the topic was directed to the general topic of older mums of adults who feel that sacrificing for these DC and their DGC is a one way street. Often the DCs seem to feel the same way.

I am comfortable with my belief that unless and until one party needs extra care, our aim is to grow DC into adult humans with whom to have reciprocal, loving relationships. Of course it’s always ultimately about being parent and child but adults are not little kids. They can give back and get pleasure from that. Or they can be mature and say ‘Let’s not do adult presents this year’ instead of ‘we won’t be getting you anything this year’ , even knowing that most parents will give anyway. That statement is about the OP.

Yer husband's working as well and yer not buying yer ma anything? Tight or what?

What about making her a favourite cake, for Xnas. Take it round, be clear v tight budget but you love her to bits and appreciate all she does. Be clear u do not expect presents. If she is still upset be clear repeat and step back. Keep olive branch out but your focus is you and yours. BW

You are not being unreasonable !!

Blackmail pure and simple

a voice of reason!

This OP! @CRivers

My mum did this to me and it hurt so much. It was like saying “I can’t be bothered to even look for something personal for you”. I’m 50 and my mum ignoring me to prioritise the children stung bad. They are my children and grandchildren she was buying for but she’s not short of money. She just couldn’t be arsed with me anymore.

Buy your mum something small (financially) but really special just for her. Maybe a joma bracelet and make her a cake?