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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I've upset my mum but AIBU?

584 replies

CRivers · 10/10/2023 08:30

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

OP posts:
EstherGreenwood19 · 11/10/2023 18:42

Mate, she gave you life, literally. Get her a gift. It doesn’t have to be £££

Kimlolly · 11/10/2023 18:45

I never expect my grown up kids to buy me gifts as they all have children my one daughter is a single parent and my son is on his own in a rented place which is expensive and has his daughter every other weekend and so when they ask always say nothing I’m happy with a card and seeing them they do end up buying me something but would love having handmade gifts especially off the grandkids I also look after my grandchildren but do it to help them out and because I love seeing them your mom she be happy for that

nomadmummy · 11/10/2023 18:48

Surely you see how this could seem abrasive? I swear sometimes people seem so freaking entitled they don't stop to think about anyone else's perspective. If Christmas means a lot to your mum I'm sure you'd know. Why couldn't you approach her by phone or in person and say I know you love xmas but I'm really stressed about the financial situation....

And work it out? Geez. How hard it is to have manners?

H007 · 11/10/2023 18:51

I think it’s that “not buying gifts for the sake of it” comment that’s the hurtful one. I’d never buy my mum a present for the sake of it, I’d buy a present because I love her and to show I appreciate her.

I think as long as you are not expecting any gifts from your mum for you, DH or your children it’s fine to say you won’t be buying any for any one else.

HauntedPencil · 11/10/2023 18:56

Maybe it was a but blunt as you could have put something together cheaply for her like some homemade bits or a treat in another way - however giving you a list of stuff she wants and getting narky is a bit much.

Mrsmalelly · 11/10/2023 18:56

You should not have to get into debt to please your mum. I would be mad if one of my kids got into debt on my account, Christmas or not.

Snippit · 11/10/2023 19:00

What a mardy bum your mother is, how old is she, does she still believe in Santa Claus?

You’ve told her how it is with plenty of warning . Don’t feel guilty, she is the one with the problem, some people need to grow up.

Maze76 · 11/10/2023 19:01

Hmm.. I’m torn with this one… things said over text don’t translate that well. Have a chat with mum and explain your situation. Is it not possible to buy your parents a joint present from all of you.. some good finds on Amazon/ ebay that don’t cost the earth

Grrrrdarling · 11/10/2023 19:06

@CRivers YANBU…
Reiterate to your mum that you aren’t making this choice to be spiteful, leave people out or be tight. It is purely because this year money is beyond tight & you don’t have an extra £50 in the budget right now.
Also remind her that she will still be receiving a gift from the children but it will be handmade & made with love.

If she is struggling too, we all are, I would tell her that you would prefer she didn’t get you a gift because you don’t want her to over spend!
Also let her know that yourself & your partner are not even getting each-other gifts this year so she isn’t the only one missing out.

This year is going to be very hard for many especially if the cold weather warnings come true.

Redpaisley · 11/10/2023 19:14

CRivers · 10/10/2023 19:53

My mum doesn't provide childcare, I'm on maternity leave and constantly with the baby and other DC are school age. She's never provided regular childcare at all just the odd day here and there on rare occasions. She did come and stay every week for a couple of days during the 6 week holidays to be an extra pair of hands for me whilst dh was working long hours, which I really appreciated with the baby. It was however her idea and dressed up as she wants to see the kids anyway, not a request from me. She is a good mum and will sometimes sneak all my dirty laundry home and return washed and ironed, will drop off home cooked meals etc she's a star but none of it is asked for! Appreciated but not requested.

The kids were going to make some clay bits for her and my dad, handprint mugs and baubles and the like. They weren't going to have nothing. She was chatting about things she wanted and they were bigger things, perfumes, beauty products, Birkenstocks etc were her suggestions nothing was cheaper than £45 ish, which is normal for us but this year I just can't do it. I had told her that we only want gifts for the kids this year and to not buy for me or dh.

Still catching up on any other questions..

Saying you didnt ask for help for doing your laundry, ironing it or helping you out when your dh worked long hours is a reflection of lack of appreciation on your part. Your mum seems genuinely caring.

I think it is less about money and more about appreciation. You said generally, you can afford these gifts usually but this not year, also said you want to make a good Christmas for your kids. There are a lot of young parents who splurge buying so many presents for their kids. You come across as one of them. Maybe she showed you the list before knowing you are cutting gift budget this year.

If you cant even get a nice lipstick for £20 with a card then you should not ask her for any gifts for your kids, I am sure your parents are also impacted by cost of living crisis. Whatever support she has provided is also a present to you and your family.

You say you would never demand anything our of your kids you dont know how secure insecure you will with your children at her age. If you spend a lot of money on making a good Xmas for kids and cant get your mother one present( does not have to be a birkenstock or £5 chocolate), I can see why she is hurt. And i say that as a woman in her late 30s, not a woman with adult kids.

TeenLifeMum · 11/10/2023 19:21

I’d never do that to my mum. I have had unpaid parts of maternity and had twins which we hadn’t planned on obviously but we still managed gifts. Nothing massive - it was £20 but something to show we care and appreciate her. I wonder how many sacrifices she made for you over the years.

Hmm1234 · 11/10/2023 19:27

Wow her begging for presents at Christmas is crazy.

LaDamaDeElche · 11/10/2023 19:38

If you’re going to go nuts on the kids presents, like most people do, then you can afford to get her something to show your appreciation for everything she does for you and your family. Making it a good Xmas for the kids seems in this day and age to be code for loads of presents. Get one less thing for them and get your mum sonething.

Redpaisley · 11/10/2023 19:53

CRivers · 10/10/2023 19:55

She definitely isn't the type to appreciate a chocolate orange or a £5 plant 😂

Are you saying your mum is greedy or materialistic?

Mumofthreeteenagers · 11/10/2023 20:16

I would always buy my Mum a present. Or spend money on what she likes. I would cut back on wider family in preference for Mum, dh and children. It's not about using credit cards. It's about making sure those you love are catered for. Christmas is once a year. There was time to buy prior to non paid leave. I feel her pain.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 11/10/2023 20:20

She did come and stay every week for a couple of days during the 6 week holidays to be an extra pair of hands for me whilst dh was working long hours, which I really appreciated with the baby. It was however her idea and dressed up as she wants to see the kids anyway, not a request from me. She is a good mum and will sometimes sneak all my dirty laundry home and return washed and ironed, will drop off home cooked meals etc she's a star but none of it is asked for! Appreciated but not requested.

Wow, you sound as if you just don't see the value of all that she does for you. Or because you didn't specificlly ask her to do something, it means less.

She'll do your laundry for you! She came to stay two days every week during the holidays! She cooks meals for you!

No wonder she's hurt.

And your response it to say, I didn't ask her to do this stuff.

Just buy her a present ffs, she deserves a bit of appreciation.

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/10/2023 20:24

Echo the PP - if your Christmas plans are modest, then cutting back is fine and YANBU. But I have been in the situation with family where I was told there was so little money that they could only afford to get me one thing - a tee shirt which was 2 sizes too big for me (told they could not get my size because they did not have that on clearance). I was sat there while everyone else then opened hundreds of pounds worth of presents and the piles went on and on. It felt like a massive comment on how important I was to the family - despite the amount of things I was asked to do every week, like running kids around, baby sitting, picking up (and paying for bits and pieces). cant deny it really hurt. And that it really made me rethink how I saw things.

AFieldGuideToTrees · 11/10/2023 20:36

Atethehalloweenchocs · 11/10/2023 20:24

Echo the PP - if your Christmas plans are modest, then cutting back is fine and YANBU. But I have been in the situation with family where I was told there was so little money that they could only afford to get me one thing - a tee shirt which was 2 sizes too big for me (told they could not get my size because they did not have that on clearance). I was sat there while everyone else then opened hundreds of pounds worth of presents and the piles went on and on. It felt like a massive comment on how important I was to the family - despite the amount of things I was asked to do every week, like running kids around, baby sitting, picking up (and paying for bits and pieces). cant deny it really hurt. And that it really made me rethink how I saw things.

Oh that sounds awful, so ungrateful! Flowers

I really hope you massively cut back what you did, as I hope Op's mum will do, too.

Gingernan · 11/10/2023 20:45

It won't kill you to make an effort to get her something small and thoughtful. Most parents are not expecting anything expensive. What does she like, does she have hobbies? That kind of thing to show you take notice of her, not just what she does for the kids.

Ilovecleaning · 11/10/2023 20:49

Your mum feels left out because she probably expects to be treated as close family. If you’d said to her presents only for you, the kids and us 2, she would have been ok. Maybe she feels like an outsider now.

Sitchervice · 11/10/2023 20:50

When I couldn't afford gifts, I made family biscuits. I'd never expect anyone to get into debt to get a present for me.

I like opening things, but I'd be happy with a Cadburys chocolate bar in box with brown paper packaging and a bow. 🤣

Keeper11 · 11/10/2023 21:00

You say you would never want your kids to use a credit card to buy you a present, but as far as you have explained it, your mother isn’t asking for an expensive present. So the use of a credit card is completely irrelevant.
Only you know how much your mother is helping you and maybe is actually saving you money. It’s quite likely that your mother is spending her own money to help you, petrol, food for the kids, outings, activities etc. She may even be giving up her own social life to help you. You know the situation. If you think her contribution to your lifestyle is not worthy of a small gift, then YANBU. BUT if she is helping you out as much as she claims, then your refusal to show your appreciation with a small gift is disgraceful.

Gypsum5 · 11/10/2023 21:06

She was mentioning things she wants 🤔 I thought only kids did this. You haven’t upset her, she’s upset herself by being selfish & refusing to accept your situation. I’m not sure what part of this some of the posters on here don’t understand. Stick to your guns OP, & stop exchanging tat ever year.

Middleagedspreadisreal · 11/10/2023 21:07

If I was your Mum I'd be the one suggesting you didn't buy me anything, no matter how much I did for you, and to just concentrate on your children :(

Redwinestillfine · 11/10/2023 21:10

Read up about love languages op. May e gifts are hers. If so that's how she feels loved and the lack of a gift may be a bigger issue for her. I don't give a hoot. My love language is quality time but I would be offended if you had said you were too busy with the kids and couldn't see me etc