I've upset my mum but AIBU?

[CRivers]

I was chatting with my mum about Christmas and she was mentioning things she wants and I said "I hope you don't mind, will do some handmade bits from the kids but as I'm on my unpaid part of maternity leave now I won't be doing presents this year apart from for the kids, I've got to make it a good Christmas for them and I don't want to use credit cards to buy people things for the sake of it"

She read it and didn't reply for 3 days then said "I've got to say that is hurtful. I don't have much money either but would always get you a gift. I do a lot to help with you and the children and feel I should of been a priority, this year especially. You may be on unpaid maternity but my DH name earns and as said I do a lot for you and your family including him."

Yes dh earns but he is solely covering our mortgage, bills, car, fuel, general life, and all of the kids Christmas presents this year not to mention all the food etc. Things are very tight and we both agreed this year just do presents for the kids not each other and other people. Will get the kids to make bits as always but nothing purchased.

AIBU? I feel bad now but I would never want my kids to use credit cards to get me a Christmas present....

10weeks until bloody Christmas!!!! FFS! How much does your Mum mean to you at all? She's your Mum. Treat her as she should be treated. If you divide all that she has EVER done for you, and I mean EVER, and put a pound a day/week/month on her worth! Love her and make her feel loved. She's done that for you all your life x

I think you should get her small gift that doesn’t cost much just as a token of thanks, because it does sound like she helps you out.

What's that got to do with anything? We can have an opinion about how other people might feel about things - including how we imagine we might feel about it ourselves. I already know, because I know what kind of mother I am, that I wouldn't be any kind of martyr as a grandmother, acquesing to any kind of ill treatment or thoughtlessness for the sheer joy of being allowed to spend time with these deities.

She wants a ~£50 present.

The OP’s plan was not buy gifts for any adults this year (so that could be her parents, her partners presents and possibly other adult relatives too).

It all well and good to say “it’s only £50’ but, even if you’re just treating all the parents somewhat equally, that’s a couple of hundred pounds. Some people simply don’t have that to spare at the moment, not least if they’re down to one source of income.

The cost of living crisis isn’t exactly a secret either.

Maybe the OP could have worded her message a little but I think her mother is the unreasonable one here.

The OP has mentioned her dad and there’s no reason to think he parents are separated.

I think it’s difficult to buy a £50 present for OP’s DM only but exclude her dad and her DH’s parents.

Last year, 40% of parents elected to buy presents for their children only. It’s really common at the moment. Lots of people are really struggling.

https://inews.co.uk/news/consumer/christmas-2022-gifts-presents-parents-children-shoppers-cut-back-save-money-1898718

@Cornishclio OP has other dc. She’s mentioned other dc are at school. So at least three in total. Obviously the baby will be a stretch financially if there’s a no credit card rule. The op hasn’t said it’s a no adults present policy. It’s a no mum present policy. Bet the baby gets plenty though!

I wonder how much of the childcare during the six weeks holiday, washing/ironing and home cooked meals the dad was providing, before we start to worry about him feeling unappreciated.

I think the thing that I don't like about what OP has decided is the fact that she has just lumped her mum in with all the other random adult 'people' in her life when she's text her to say she won't be gifting her ANYTHING - no value placed on this BTW - just a blanket, we're not bothering with anyone but ourselves this year, but we still want you to buy gifts for our family.

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say 'we're really struggling this year and the gifts may not be the usual fare', but to flat out say we're not bothering with you is hurtful IMO.

She has said it’s a no adults present policy (its in the OP itself)…her and her DH aren’t even buying for each other.

To be clear, it isn’t ‘we're not bothering with anyone but ourselves this year’ because the OP and her DH aren’t bothering with themselves either, just the kids.

I guess I’m lucky that, even though I always have sufficient means, my family are always quick to suggest that I forego buying them presents if ever they think it might be a strain. I thought that would be a pretty normal sentiment in most families, especially right now, but I guess opinions vary.

My mum and I aren't doing anything this year. Times are hard for everyone, surely a nice card with thoughtful words would be thanks enough if that's actually her point?

I think she is childish and selfish and grabby.

Respect doesn’t come in the form of presents. You are very shallow if you think it does. Children should always come first at Christmas. I think when you have children you should do what you can for them and that doesn’t stop when they have children themselves. I only buy presents for people under 21.

What are your kids making?? By the time you bought ingredients or materials or whatever you probably would have enough for something small. I’d rather some bubble bath than pasta glued to a rock 🤣

I think it’s the wording of your message that’s the problem. “For the sake of it” - harsh.

Why is Christmas just about children? It’s not. It’s for everyone. Christmas is about everyone celebrating the birth of Jesus. It’s not just about children and presents for them. Everyone can celebrate by receiving a present from someone they love and who loves them. My DM is nearly 100. I would not dream of not including her at Christmas or not buying her a present because she’s over 21. She doesn’t need a lot but it’s an expression of love and gratitude. It’s not about cutting someone out due to age that you are close to. That’s not what Christmas is about.

not quite. The things she suggested cost about 45 quid.

At that point OP could have said "mum, what with ML and all it's a bit tight - we're doing home-made gifts this year" and then mum doesn't feel left out or underappreciated, and her expectations are managed.

I think OP was particularly harsh in her wording and to do it over text rather than f2f is crass, because OP knows it is.

So I'd just suggest all getting together for tea and a biscuit and a good chat about how things are going, how your mum is, how the kids are etc etc and build some bridges.

This

Presents don't have to be bought. You are very materialistic if you think that they do.

I also wonder about this, OP. I think it matters how much your mum feels you are balancing your budget on her back.

I don’t think presents have to be bought. Years ago, when my children were young, my sister bought all her presents at a jumble sale. They cost hardly anything. They were some of the best presents. I also value home made presents that my children made me and now my grandchildren give me.

She's your mum. And as she says - no matter how hard up she was, she'd always get you a gift. Sounds like she does a lot for you and your family and probably has put herself out, both personally and financially, for years. While it's not at all unreasonable to say you're cutting back on all non-essential Christmas spending and reducing the amount you spend on presents, it is unreasonable not to buy your mum something for Christmas - a small token is fine though, it doesn't have to be something she has mentioned. You can get something inexpensive (eg flowers, chocs, wine, a paperback) probably for well under a tenner. You won't have your mum forever - so be kind to her and appreciate her while you can.

I don't get the idea that money has to be spent to feel loved and respected. I grew up in a very low income area. Love and respect for many before the advertising started was including your parents for Christmas dinner, wider family on boxing day and then NY. It was someone popping in everyday and then the physical aspects being taken over when they became difficult. My parents turned up to relatives with spirits and everyone had a drink. I don't remember specific presents. I'm my DD's free childcare. I hate stuff though. I wouldn't ask my children to spend the amount that I would need them to to get something I want. But then again I'd also have to buy back, so adult presents just mean two people spending money and not really getting what they want and they've had to take the time to shop. People on here tend to not like anyone but we make time to meet up, do a panto, or a Christmas market.
It took weeks of arguing and back and forth to get my sister to accept it. She was the one who picked expensive stuff while gifting crap. Getting a supermarket present or a boots 3-4-2 doesn't scream individual modern woman.

Why are people still saying a £10 gift will do when the OP has made it clear that she wants a £45 minimum spend. It's cancel the cheque all over. People are also ignoring that it means £45 on Dad and then the other side. So it's £££s before you know it.

When my younger DC were strapped for cash, they bought me a small photo block of their family. I really loved it and it still has pride of place 😀

@Ponoka7 Didn't your huge amounts of booze cost anything? We prefer presents for a few close relatives to booze and don’t have lots of relatives anyway.

seriously? the conversation seemed to be more like a regular pre-Christmas chat (as many many people do) instigated by the mum, who probably always gives a few ideas because that way people don't get unwanted stuff.

And OP jumped in with the very abrupt "nobody matters but our DCs" message.

And if the mum was "insisting" on a minimum spend? OP is a grown up. She could say, to her own mum, "soz, ma, things are too tight for that you're getting a home-made gift this year"

You're not being unreasonable and your mum sounds quite ungrateful from what I've seen of your responses. She's throwing everything shes done for you-voluntarily not requested nor asked for-in your face all because she's not getting gifts she's hinted for out of you. Even after explaining why you're not spending seeing as your finances are different with the loss of your usual income. It doesn't matter that shes came to help or did she only help in the hope that she would get something out of it? Don't allow her to guilt trip you into spending above your means just to please her. Explain that you appreciate all she does for you but you refuse to go into debt just for the sake of buying lots of christmas gifts. Yes your other half earns an income but that's what keeps a roof over your heads and keeps you all provided with life's essentials. She should appreciate the handmade stuff as they're unique keepsakes that the kids made especially for her.