To want some flex from family on childcare

[poppyseeds99]

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

This with bells on.

At a cost to you?!
Oh I would totally demand the relative to refund you! Perhaps double for the inconvenience you poor thing.

I really, REALLY hope it's a reverse. Then, the relative can see that the people who actually comprehended the post advised the parents get a sitter for every week.

Meaning, sorry relative who is insisting on seeing child on her terms, not sure when you'll see the child because weekends are for parents and kids and though, the 9 p.m. p/u was a one-off, it could happen again. So, a sitter is needed. Heck, maybe the sitter will still stay until 9 p.m. and the parent's can grab a quick bite out after sport class, or a drink. Date night as it were.

If this is a reverse, don't worry relative, I'm sure you'll still be able to see the child on holidays or maybe the parents will let you spend time with her IF they have an emergency. But no worries if you can't, because now they have a sitter. Oops for you!😆😬

There is no irony, the relative wants to do the pick ups, but she wants to do them when it’s convenient for her. If it’s not convenient for OP, she has full right to say no and she doesn’t have to sacrifice her weekends either.

How is getting free family childcare at the weekend instead a sacrifice?

Sign me up!

Asking someone to have your child until 9pm so you can do a class is ridiculous you give up the right to do whatever you want when you have a child, sounds to me like you need to be the flexible one

It really doesn't matter if offends the relative. Said relative has no say in how you raise your child OR whether or not you do a sport class. Hire a sitter and go every week, so the sitter and your child get comfortable with each other. Do an early or late sport class, grab a bit or a drink and make it a date night. Be home at 9p.m. or whenever. That's the nice part about a sitter. They will be fine with 9 p.m. because that's the time period they are hired. It's a nice long term solution to what was a one-time problem and if the problem crops up again, you're covered because you have a sitter.

Tell relative that the night is now sewn up, but thanks for trying. When they want to see the child during the weekend, you calmly say, that's our family time. When they want to usurp the sitter, you say, cannot do that as it isn't fair to the sitter. When the relative says, but I insist on having time with the child, just smile and say, maybe some time, if he/she is ill and cannot go to care or if the sitter is ill, we'll give you call. And we'll always have Christmas.

IOW--who CARES if you offend the relative? Why do you care when they change their mind, refuse for a one-off and start moving the goalposts? The problems on her part (wanting to see your child on her terms) does not constitute adjustment on your part.

Because OP and her DH may have plans with their dc themselves or the DC may have activities.

If the relatives wants to be inflexible on week nights then why should OP be flexible on weekends?

OP needs to do what’s best for her dc not relative.

Sure - if it doesn't work for her, she shouldn't but she equally is cutting her nose off to spite her face if she does this as a flounce to serve her MIL right for not being willing to stay an extra few hours at very short notice.

It's a privilege to have grandparents who want to be actively involved with your children.

Yes halfway through the day I did have that brainwave... by then we'd made other arrangements but good idea for next time if this comes up again (sure it will). Thanks!

Thanks for the further replies, I appreciated the constructive ones. All sorted now x

Very odd view ....mum can you pick X up from school until 6pm once a week.....great love to special time child loves it and looks forward to it, mum it's getting too much can I do it once a fortnight? ....mum I've booked the gym so you must stay to 9 and do homework bedtime ...mum I can't it's too much for me .....we'll take a hike then mum and child can miss out and be upset because I want mum to suffer ....op actually said her child was upset because she had cancelled the normal 3 hours because mum refused the extra hours op demanded so she wasn't letting her do the normal....the mum didn't cancel what she had agreed to just the demanded extra late night hours....ie mum would do what was agreed for work but couldn't do the social evening bit.

I'm not sure what's best for DC is the ops priority

No child was harmed by having a late night once a fortnight or by being put to bed by their loving gran or aunty!
Parents are allowed to do some things for themselves.
And then are allowed to sometimes change a routine to accommodate it - maybe OP's child is totally fine with the occasional change. Not all kids need strict routine, some families are more 'go with the flow' types.

Must be another difference between the US and UK. It seems many look at it as a chore or KMA moment for watching a child relative.

I watched my DGC for any reason. Any time. It was covered. I made sure I was there for DGC meals, loved giving her a bath, loved reading, crawling around, playing "Go this way", singing DGC to sleep.

When DD and her NVDH split, I got to be with DGD during the day, or take her home with us for night or even two. As she got older, I was there every a.m. bright and early to help her get ready and take her to school. Then the reverse in the p.m. I was the luckiest person on earth.

It was always a privilege and never a chore. I was blessed beyond measure. And the time is fleeting. Blink and they're grown.

Every single one of my friends did the same as often and as much as they could. Some still do since they have multiple young DGC.

So no, I don't "get" the relative at all and see no reason why OP should do what said relative dictates as to what times and when. OP--Hire a sitter, a lot more stable and you can go to sport class every week, if you choose, without worry. Win-win.

But it's the drama and no need for it. Dh does the normal exercise class while relative does their normal shift with baby then dh returns home to take over baby routine while op works late and does the late exercise class. What 99% of parents would have done. Instead we have non-flexible parents wanting a joint late exercise class and an unsurprisingly reluctant relative.

THIS!!

Who could possibly argue with this?!

Are you still going to faciliate some time for child and relative if they were both upset at missing out? If not that feels like a punishment to relative for doing the 9pm or weekly cover.

Is there a gym with a crèche near you?
DH and I tend to exercise separately (so one has the kids while the other does a run/swim/class) but a gym with crèche can be very handy.

Is there a reason why your relative only wants to see your child in the evenings and not at the weekend for example?

I wonder if it's your MIL...

You and your husband could alternative going. Might be an idea. We have no help from relatives, and my husband ànd I take turns to go out so the other can babysit.

I saw that after I replied, so sorry! I forgot to refresh the page, so the last several pages didn't load until after I posted my first one and then I just didn't notice.

Again, sorry! 🤐😳😉

Don't give into yo her. It's not access on her terms only. Is she wants to see your child she can when it suits you. Don't be dictated to

Just wanted to say that I do agree with most comments about it being incredibly cheeky for parents to expect people to look after their children so they can exercise.
Not to start a war, but I find a lot of parents who exercise regularly feel it’s a total necessity and something they MUST do. It’s really not! It’s just a hobby, most parents give up their hobbies when their kids are young because any extra childcare or time away from their kids just isn’t feasible.
I also wonder why anyone would want to be at an exercise class/ gym at 9pm at night instead of getting home to their child that they haven’t seen all day.

@Sundownmemories

Without taking the OPS thread into account, that is the most ridiculous comment I’ve read on here about exercise.

My DP runs and goes to the gym, I do jogging and walking, if we didn’t we’d be miserable, overweight and unfit. (I still am those things but I’m working on it with the limited time we have as working parents).

Exercise isn’t a hobby, just like eating well and taking care of yourself isn’t a hobby.
Exercise makes us better parents and sets a good example to our child.

Actually offended by your comment.

.