To want some flex from family on childcare

[poppyseeds99]

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

Wow, it's one thing to have family help because you need to work, quite another for you to take advantage of them by taking a sports class when you should be settling your child to bed . Get a babysitter and pay the going rate like everybody else does

It doesn't cut down the time you are away from your child, if you take turns then your child isn't away from their parents at all.

Perhaps it’s the only time OP and her DH get together. Perhaps they suffer from mental health issues and the exercise helps to keep those issues in check? Perhaps both are overweight and have been advised to exercise by their doctor? There could be a whole host of reasons why they need to do their exercise class and why they need to do it together (perhaps they have a rubbish leisure centre that only do exercise classes on a Wednesday night for example).

I don’t think that OP is being unreasonable. I think that families are supposed to help each other out. That’s what they do in most places around the world. It’s just here everyone seems to be out for themselves.

Once be put the dramatic violin playing away, people can exercise all they want just use paid childcare to do it

Stop using people then complaining how hard done by you are for your own choices, own that it's simpler on everyone

100% this.

Why should OP give up weekend time for this relative if they can’t be flexible?

OP is happy to use a babysitter, the relative is demanding to do the pick up on their terms.

How? They have childcare full time and are happy to pay for a babysitter, so they will be sorted once they get that in place. this family member who apparently desperately wants to see their child, at specific times, and as long as they can cancel with short notice is the one here who has cut off their nose to spite their face.

Have you posted about this relative before?

I don’t think prioritising your health and fitness should come above your small child’s basic needs. You don’t need to go to the gym with your dh. You are an adult and can understand life has to be about compromise when children are involved. Going separately would have been the obvious solution and put your toddler’s needs first. Little children go to bed early so you already have evenings together.

I assume this is your mum? I think she feels you are taking the piss here by doing something fun rather than working late. It's happening with a friend I know, her parents don't want to do the childcare much now and want to dictate her life more. Personally I'd find alternative childcare but see when relative can see children when it suits me.

@Spaghettinetti I'd love to go to the gym but as a working, single parent, I can't fit it in. You need to make sacrifices so if op wants it, she has to get paid childcare or some sort of alternative. For me, I don't love the gym enough to pay someone to have my children while I go.

2 different things going on here:

• you need someone to look after your child whilst you do an exercise class. This needs to be a regular and reliable set up where you pay someone to do what you need. So get a paid babysitter for that.
• Relative wants to see your child. They can do this whenever suits you and them BUT letting them pick up your child to achieve this is NOT suitable, because you need someone who will pick her/him up EVERY week and your relative wants some flexibility (which is completely understandable). So they can visit or arrange to collect child sometimes, but you need to make other arrangements for school pick ups and moments that you need babysitting.

The irony of this comment!

You’re expecting a handover at 9pm so YOU can go to an exercise class? Madness!

You are in the wrong here.

Why don’t you join David Lloyd? That’s what I do - kids can join and attend classes of their own whilst you’re at the gym. Win win.

Where you went wrong was booking the later class without asking them first. That was really cheeky. Hope you realise that. It isn’t their fault you lost money. You should have asked first.

Glad you seem to have sorted something out.

Yeah I found the OP's later comment really bizarre too

thanks so much to all who suggested constructive ideas like going alternatively etc. These are in my arsenal now if things go awry again!!

For most parents going separately or alternatively isn't some wacky idea but the obvious way to do it.

I'm no mummy martyr - I went to the pub last night with my mate while DH put the kids to bed and we regularly get babysitters so that we can both go out, absolutely nothing wrong with time away from the kids in my book. I just don't understand why she thinks going together is less time away from their child!

I also think it's really odd that the OP thinks going together is so much the default option that even when something goes awry her first thought was to reschedule the class and ask her relative to stay later not just .. go separately. Her DP could even have kept the original booking!

YANBU because you are willing to hire a sitter for when you want the sports class. Yes, you should hire a sitter because the relative gets to choose when she babysits, whereas the sitter babysits when you want her.

Edited to add: This doesn't mean the relative gets to dictate terms that don't work for you, either. If the babysitting is too much for them, and it can be every week and that late, then they will have to see your DC when it works for you and them, not just them.

To those that posted nasty or judgmental comments - I think you let yourselves and perhaps the Mumsnet forum down.

hahahahaha

shame on you people! How could you let MN down like this!

you can’t possibly be a long time user of the forum or you’d know not to post such an entitled thread in AIBU

Well, that's what she is totally willing to do. But now relative will have to learn that she can't just spring up whenever she decides she'll pick the child up because it would not be fair to the babysitter to lose her wage. Because the relative "decides" a fortnight has gone by so now she'll see the child doesn't mean the world stops so she can. And then said relative wants to also say how long she'll have the child, when a babysitter is there to have the child until 9 p.m. or whenever.

OP does need to hire a sitter and the relative shot herself in the foot. Neither one gets to dictate the other person's terms and a sitter remedies that problem.

I agree. They have either not read the post or not understood the post. OP is totally willing to hire a sitter but relative wants to pick up child when she wants to and then dictate terms to parents. That will totally mess with the babysitter and would be unfair to her.

Sorry, it doesn't work like that, especially when the relative insists on spending time with the child. Relative is not the sun and the parents are not the earth, and they don't have to revolve around her "wants".

I think 9pm is very late to collect a child. I have a relative who Dh offered to help out a couple of times by babysitting whilst they ran errands. They then turned up at 9.15 pm both times as they decided to stay and chat to other people whilst out.

This left my own kids out of routine and me running organising things till 10:30pm at night. When DH offered again without asking me he got told by me once I found out i would not be babysitting as the child's parents were totally take advantage of us, it disrupts my night and he normally goes out and leaves me with an extra child to care for. 9pm is to late to ask anyone to babysit even if they offered unless it's an emergency.

This thread is such a great insight into the mindset of a cheeky fucker.