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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want some flex from family on childcare

260 replies

poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 08:27

We agreed with a relative that she would do pickups for my toddler at a new nursery one day a week. We had been using that evening to do a sports class each week. Relative announced 2 weeks ago that she would only pick up one day a fortnight (instead of each week) with very little notice or warning. This left me scrambling looking for cover with 12 hours notice last week. This week, I have a late work meeting that day so I've booked a sports class that's a bit later and asked if we could do a handover at 9pm (exceptionally). Relative went ballistic saying she is only doing pickup at 5 and then we have to come straight home from work. End result, we've cancelled the class and we're doing pickup. The thing is, relative insists they have to do the pickup anyway because they want time with our daughter - but only on their terms. AIBU to think about booking a babysitter who can just cover the hours we need?

OP posts:
jannier · 10/10/2023 21:15

Angryappendix · 10/10/2023 08:49

YANBU - book the baby sitter.

it’s awkward but when someone agrees to do childcare for you as a favour then you have to politely confirm that it can’t be cancelled unless illness or they go on holiday etc as you are relying on it, and if they’re not prepared to make that commitment then you will use other childcare.
It sounds like your relative just wants to spend time with you child and not provide regular committed child care.

My mum wanted to provide childcare for our child part time and I was so grateful but said that if she had any doubts she wouldn’t be able to commit we would make alternative arrangements.

The op had increased the hours to late in the evening and the care is for keep fit class nothing important

Danaeofathens · 10/10/2023 21:15

jellybeanathome · 10/10/2023 21:10

Goodness you've had a ride here OP! Glad you've sorted a solution! I just wanted to drop in to say that I think a lot of the comments on here have been overly harsh; people don’t know what sort of arrangement you had with the relative and what your relationship is with them normally.

On the surface, I think it's a bit crap of them to say they'd do pick up every week and then refuse with short notice - family shouldn't treat each other like that and you can be grateful to them but still expect a certain amount of consistency.

I think the 9pm thing was a bit cheeky, but then again it depends on your relationship. My mum wouldn't hesitate to agree to this as a one off favour, even on top of the pick up you've already described. I'd just order her a pizza to mine and she'd do DC's bedtime!

Anyway, I digress. Hopefully your new plan works and all is well going forward.

This.

Some of the replies on this are crazy - that OP is outrageous for wanting to do an exercise class once per week 🙄

Fummymummy · 10/10/2023 21:16

@Danaeofathens for some reason my reply thingy didn't work - my "exactly this!" Comment was on your reply 👍

jumpfh · 10/10/2023 21:18

If you want to reply to a specific poster, you have to go to the three dots top right of the message and hit 'quote' - reply just types a general reply at the bottom of the thread, as the last message on the thread (at the time).

keojam80 · 10/10/2023 21:19

I'm sorry it's totally unreasonable to expect your family member to keep your toddler until 9pm! What time does your toddler go to bed!?
Of course they want time with your toddler, on their terms. There's a big difference picking them up from nursery and staying for dinner than them doing the pick up, dinner and bedtime routine too, especially if they work also?
Can't you find an exercise class at a reasonable time or just go to one at the weekend?

Notwiththebullshizz · 10/10/2023 21:20

How old is the child to be staying up till past 9pm anyway? That's pretty late for a primary aged child if that's the case. Either way, you're taking the mick. In an emergency, absolutely, but for a fitness class.. 🙄😒🤔. Get a paid babysitter or dont do the class. I get you're entitled to something for yourself, but not something that inconveniences others because of this

jannier · 10/10/2023 21:20

thing47 · 10/10/2023 10:59

If you want free childcare, you have to fit in with them - not the other way around.

Agree with this @Zebedee55. But by the same token if said relative wants to see OP's DC, it has to be at a time which suits the parents. Relative doesn't get to dictate the times she sees someone else's child and if OP gets paid childcare then it's presumably not going to be at pickup time as relative demands wants.

So your saying it's okay to use granny then when its getting too much for them having the time doubled to almost a full working day the op should say well fuck you granny your not doing what I want so I'm throwing my toys? Isn't that blackmail?

jannier · 10/10/2023 21:21

Silvers11 · 10/10/2023 12:18

Sorry OP. You are confusing necessary childcare, because both parents work, with 'babysitting' needed because you want to do something which comes under the heading of 'leisure'

Seems from what you have said, that your relative is happy to do the 'work' bit - i.e. pick up from school which gives them and DC some time together but feels it is enough time of coping, without tacking on all the extra work needed if they are watching DC until 9pm or later.

Either get a babysitter in for the gym class - or you go at one time and your DP goes at a different time, so you don't need a babysitter at all

This

jannier · 10/10/2023 21:24

Hufflepods · 10/10/2023 19:12

Update: In the end, we did cancel the exercise class, at a cost to us, and our relative is upset as they haven't got to see our child - and our child is disappointed as she thought she was going to see her beloved relative.

So because your relative, probably DM or MIL wouldn’t put in a double shift until 9 you’ve thrown your dummy out of the pram and told them not to pick your daughter up at all if you can’t go to the exercise class, even though you needed to work later anyway!
Mature.

Sounds like it ...and upset her own child perfect

Anywherebuthere · 10/10/2023 21:30

You want them to keep your child until 9pm? Thats a big ask. 9pm in case of a genuine emergency is different to doing an exercise class.

And why do that to the child, 9pm is late. What time would they be going to bed?

Pay a proper babysitter to do the hours needed.

YouJustDoYou · 10/10/2023 21:32

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Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 21:32

jellybeanathome · 10/10/2023 21:10

Goodness you've had a ride here OP! Glad you've sorted a solution! I just wanted to drop in to say that I think a lot of the comments on here have been overly harsh; people don’t know what sort of arrangement you had with the relative and what your relationship is with them normally.

On the surface, I think it's a bit crap of them to say they'd do pick up every week and then refuse with short notice - family shouldn't treat each other like that and you can be grateful to them but still expect a certain amount of consistency.

I think the 9pm thing was a bit cheeky, but then again it depends on your relationship. My mum wouldn't hesitate to agree to this as a one off favour, even on top of the pick up you've already described. I'd just order her a pizza to mine and she'd do DC's bedtime!

Anyway, I digress. Hopefully your new plan works and all is well going forward.

Thank you Jellybean!! I feel a bit downtrodden by this thread but grateful to have had the benefit and spectrum of views, and thanks so much to all who suggested constructive ideas like going alternatively etc. These are in my arsenal now if things go awry again!!

Thanks to people I replied to or "thanked" - i will use the Quote button in future (I tried using "reply" but don't think that worked.) I'm an old timer on mumsnet but rarely post.

OP posts:
Dotcheck · 10/10/2023 21:36

Op
To reply to a specific post, click on the three dots in the post. If you touch the ‘Quote’ option, the post you are responding to will appear above your answer.

Also, it sounds like your mother in law thought you were taking the piss, hence the change in commitment from them.
Most people would be upset if they agreed to help out to accommodate work schedules only to learn it was for a leisure activity.

Original poster
poppyseeds99 · 10/10/2023 21:42

Fummymummy · 10/10/2023 21:13

I don't think you're unreasonable. I think you're actually amazing for prioritising your health and fitness, I honestly wish I had the opportunity to do the same. You have a relative who wanted to see DC, so arranged to do your class when she came, and she agreed to it weekly.
She was the one that then decided she didn't want to commit to that anymore and just wanted to do fortnightly, which I think is fine - maybe she felt it was too much after seeing how it went.
So then it's not unreasonable to get a babysitter so you can continue with your class - she will just have to come another time or see the child when babysitter is there and leave them with the sitter at the time she wants to go.

I don't agree it's normal to have regular help, plenty of people don't (including us) and if we did have, it would 100% be for us to work or for a school pick up rather than social or leisure. Once a fortnight would be a huge amount for us.
But, if you've got that available then absolutely, 100% use it and why on earth should you not use it for a class? I hate doing home workouts, the only thing I ever enjoyed pre kids was gym classes, with exercise I am a much better, less moody, more chilled out parent and a way better mum. That to me is worth more than the hour I've given up with my child. Keep doing what you're doing, I hope the new arrangement works out, and ignore the abuse.

I just think a lot of people struggle without help so anyone with an issue with free childcare gets inevitably flamed.

Thank you, I think that's right. Appreciate your replies and those of other mums here x

OP posts:
MrsMarzetti · 10/10/2023 21:46

You are one CF

ColleenDonaghy · 10/10/2023 21:54

Danaeofathens · 10/10/2023 21:12

That’s ridiculous- she shouldn’t go to one exercise class per week?! Of course it’s important for parents to practice self care when they can - it makes for better, more relaxed parents and they can then be role models for their children.

Going to an exercise class a week while spouse is at home with the kids - very normal.

Getting out together every single week away from DC and work - not something most couples can manage at this phase of life. Great if you can swing it but not typical.

Phoenixfire1988 · 10/10/2023 21:55

They're doing you a favour not the other way round your sports class isn't a necessity so pay someone to look after the child while you go then the relative can drop the child off at the normal time and babysitter can take over

Phoenixfire1988 · 10/10/2023 22:00

Wtf has that got to do with it she's acting entitled the relative isn't having the child so they can work it's so BOTH can go to an exercise class why can't they do what any normal parents would do and alternate! She has an absolute cheek

Codlingmoths · 10/10/2023 22:44

AhNowTed · 10/10/2023 18:52

Once you rely on family free childcare, there is little "flex".

And certainly not till 9PM, so you can do a hobby.

Honestly OP, this is ridiculous and frankly your lack of gratitude (to the point you need to ask a forum if your free family member is unreasonably limited their time)... I'd be off.

They pay for childcare full time for their child. This is extra and she has said multiple times they are happy to pay for a babysitter. The op is not being a taker.

GirlOfTudor · 10/10/2023 22:44

I feel that your relative already made an effort to communicate that they can't help as much as originally agreed. I'm sure it wasn't easy to come to that decision or to tell you that. That's probably why it was at such short notice.
You've accepted their decision and then pushed them to help more. I think that's disrespectful of what they've told you.
Also, looking after a toddler until 9pm for someone who's not their parent is a lot!! That's nursery pick up, some form of food, play and bedtime routine. Not only is that a lot of commitment for your relative, that's also a massive change for your toddler to be doing all of that in a place that's not home. When is your toddlers bedtime? I'm guessing before 9pm usually? Would the relative put your child to sleep at theirs, then you can collect them and wake them up, to only have to do another bedtime at yours?
This is a lot of fuss for a sports class and a little selfish on your behalf.
You mention 'we' alot in your post... so are you and your partner both working and both going to the sports class? Why do you have to go together? If you have no childcare you'll have to go separately or not at all.
There's a weird class of people on Mumsnet who think their family MUST help with the child they decided to have.

Millybob · 10/10/2023 23:05

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Chelsealocke · 10/10/2023 23:27

YANBU. I’ve been in a similar situation with MIL and paid childcare is the way to go. As PP said the change of plans and judgement wasn’t worth it for me. I think MIL was like that because she thought paid childcare was inadequate and I should be a stay at home mum.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2023 23:36

you will get little sympathy here op, many people here see going to the gym as a selfish, self indulgent waste of time, not something mothers can or should do.

LuckySantangelo35 · 10/10/2023 23:38

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@Millybob

its exercise not a social thing that the op wants family childcare for. Even if it was for a social thing that’s fine and doesn’t make op a bad parent who should have got a gerbil instead, ffs

AhNowTed · 10/10/2023 23:40

@Codlingmoths

You are right. Apologies to the OP.

It's a bit of babysitting, not childcare.

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