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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to move to the guest room

287 replies

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 00:16

Ok hear me out
DH snores. And I don’t mean some nights. I mean every night. Two minutes into sleeping and he’s snoring and every breath is a loud snore.

it has always bothered me but I have coped for years.

now I have noticed When DH is away I get at least 8 hours sleep. When he’s in bed i’m getting max 6 because i’m constantly being woken up. I think this is unfair to me so I have asked DH to sleep in the guest room permanently.

I don’t want anyone suggesting he sleep on his side, cut back alcohol, lose weight etc as he has done all that and nothing has worked He has refused to see the GP.

if you can provide a REAL solution then I will be open to hearing it please.

He thinks I should find a way to cope with it as it’s not his fault he snores. He has no problem falling and staying asleep amidst his thunder snores.

I am a light sleeper and constantly getting less sleep than I deserve.

I have used earmuffs, sleeping pills, etc but these are non sustainable. I’m really miserable about this and beginning to dread coming to bed at night. It’s affecting how I even feel towards DH as I think if roles were reversed I would seek a solution to the problem.

AIBU to ask him to move to the guest room permanently to enable me sleep?

OP posts:
StopStartStop · 10/10/2023 11:35

CherryMaDeara · 10/10/2023 08:37

It’s his problem actually, he’s the snorer who has so little respect for his wife he won’t get it treated.

Show quote history

Incorrect. He's sleeping, he's fine, it's no problem to him! His wife can't sleep. The sensible thing would be for her to move.

FeedMeSantiago · 10/10/2023 11:37

I had to wait over a year for my sleep apnoea diagnosis. Went to GP May 2022, had first sleep study in Jan/Feb 2023 I think, second in April 2023, diagnosis given in August when I saw a doctor about a mouth shield. Doctor deemed mouth shield unsuitable for me due to other medical conditions so am seeing a surgeon later this month.

If surgery deemed not suitable due to other medical conditions, I will be put on a waiting list for CPAP.

I think it all depends on where you're based and how many other patients they have at the same time.

RuthW · 10/10/2023 11:44

It's you that should move to the guest room.

TenderDandelions · 10/10/2023 11:47

Rorymyers · 10/10/2023 10:28

@WinterDeWinter my ears hurt from using ear plugs, no joke. Like they’re so sore in the morning I can barely use my earphones for music.

I know what you mean on that - if I use ear plugs, removing them in the morning is so, so painful! I can wear earphones fine, but to block out the noise completely you need those foam earplugs which make me feel like I've got a raging ear infection whenever I wear them.

YANBU though - if you have a second bed that would mean both of you get a decent night's sleep, why should it even be an issue?! When you (or he!) wake up in the morning, you can always go back to the other bed then.

DH and I sleep in separate beds (I took the spare room because the main bedroom has an en suite and he's the one that gets up for a wee in the night). We both sleep so much better without the other one snoring or duvet thieving.

We need to buy a new bed for the spare room and in the past I'd have just bought a cheaper bed as it wouldn't be used too often, but now I'm going to buy a proper king size pocket sprung mattress to make it a little haven in there for me!

SurprisedWithAHorse · 10/10/2023 11:51

sleepwouldbenice · 10/10/2023 11:34

Wow! How odd

Show quote history

No, pretty standard MRA whinging. You can also guarantee that a man bleating on about money like this doesn't have any. What's that line? "Stop complaining that women are gold diggers, you ain't got shit!"

Iknowthis1 · 10/10/2023 11:57

You're both sleep deprived. He's not getting quality sleep either. That's no way to live for either of you. He really needs a referral to a sleep clinic.

Move to the spare room.

Buy Boots own brand wax ear plugs. Cut them in half because they're too big/uncomfortable. Use the heat of your hands to soften them making it easier to mould them to the shape of your ear.

Pr1mr0se · 10/10/2023 11:58

Your husband is being unreasonable not wanting to go to the doctors or to sort this out.

VickyEadieofThigh · 10/10/2023 11:59

sleepwouldbenice · 10/10/2023 00:29

Why on earth would some suggest the OP moves to the spare room not the DH? Bizarre!

Because he's refusing.

billy1966 · 10/10/2023 12:04

Merryoldgoat · 10/10/2023 11:26

An embarrassingly short amount of time.

I went to the doctor who referred me after I completed a screening questionnaire and had an appointment at the hospital for a sleep study about 3 weeks later, then a month after that I had my CPAP appointment to get my machine.

The reason it was so quick was it was during covid and they said that it was a very low-touch intervention so they didn't really have to curtail operations and they were getting fewer referrals, but generally speaking, it's one of the quicker referrals generally at St George's which is where I'm seen.

Also, the screening questionnaire I was given by the doctor only had me down as 'moderate' and borderline for a referral but I was so tired she thought it best to refer. It turned out I was having over 35 episodes an hour which is actually severe and the CPAP has been lifechanging.

I am very overweight but I have ALWAYS snored badly, even at much much lower weights as I had massive tonsils (now removed) and a very high palate (that's still there).

Show quote history

My friends husband has one, absolutely life changing for him.

They have slept separately for years.

After investigation overnight, it turned out he was managing on about an hours sleep.

We saw him a couple of weeks after getting it and he looked a good 10 years younger, had enormous energy, his colour was much better and he was dropping weight so quickly because he had the energy for an hours walking and wasn't binging on sugar during the day for a boost.

3 years on he is 5 stone lighter and a very different man.

Life changing stuff.

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 12:21

Iknowthis1 · 10/10/2023 11:57

You're both sleep deprived. He's not getting quality sleep either. That's no way to live for either of you. He really needs a referral to a sleep clinic.

Move to the spare room.

Buy Boots own brand wax ear plugs. Cut them in half because they're too big/uncomfortable. Use the heat of your hands to soften them making it easier to mould them to the shape of your ear.

I tried them, they didn't work and they still hurt my ears.

Iwasafool · 10/10/2023 12:23

Pr1mr0se · 10/10/2023 11:58

Your husband is being unreasonable not wanting to go to the doctors or to sort this out.

I don't agree with forcing or being forced to see a doctor. I worked with someone who insisted her husband got his snoring sorted. He had surgery, cost quite a lot, he said it was very painful and she said although his snoring wasn't as loud he still snored. I'd really resent someone who tried to force me to get something like that done.

I suppose it would have solved the problem though as I'd have left someone who tried that so I'd never hear them or trouble them again.

musicforthesoul · 10/10/2023 12:46

One of you needs to move to the guest room, doesn't really matter who.

If you want to stay in the same room have you tried different types of ear plugs? The wax ones are a lot comfier as long as you warm them up properly before inserting them. I don't find them as good as the foam ones for noise cancelling though so it's a compromise.

I sympathise, I have a similar issue but we don't have a spare room. My DP does use the nose strips and is trying to lose weight which should hopefully improve things but I feel absolutely murderous sometimes when its impossible for me to sleep.

CaptainMyCaptain · 10/10/2023 12:49

SoupDragon · 10/10/2023 11:21

I'm a light sleeper and my husband makes other funny noises - like puffing - which keep me awake.

So the actual problem is that you are a light sleeper and him trying to fix the snoring won't actually solve anything..?

I'm not the one trying to force my husband to the doctor. I don't think he needs a CPAP machine it was part of a general conversation. He does make peculiar noises though. I have shared rooms/beds with many people and some have snored but I've never met anyone who makes the puffing noises he makes.

Pr1mr0se · 10/10/2023 13:00

Iwasafool - I wasn't suggesting she forced him at all.

Meeziemee · 10/10/2023 13:03

There is potentially a serious issue here - he could have undiagnosed obstructive sleep apnoea.

Please insist that he goes to a GP and requests a referral to a Sleep Clinic for assessment.

Untreated OSA can be a gateway to a whole long list of serious medical issues - increased risk of hypertension, increased risk of heart attack or stroke, daytime sleepiness that can make it hard to function at work or even drive, etc etc.

It's really important to rule this treatable condition out. It is treatable by wearing a CPAP mask every night.

Even if he doesn't have OSA, a Sleep Clinic should be able to diagnose and treat his snoring.

I left my OSA untreated for 10 years and in that time it went from mild (and not majorly impacting on my life) and severe to the point where it was causing problems at work.

Nannyjo1952 · 10/10/2023 13:17

Personally I'd move myself into the spare room and that's exactly what I did. If hubby don't like it then he will do something about his snoring. Why should you suffer because of his selfishness.

MumOfThreeChaos · 10/10/2023 13:20

Have you suggested GP age 40 MOT? My husband snores and I used the age 40 health check as something 'official' that would lure him into the GP. Turns out he has sleep apnea (hence horrific loud bursts of snoring. It was such a good move. Everyone is now better off with that diagnosis. He gets more sleep and using a CPAP means you don't get any snoring (except from me :-) ).

Perhaps try it and see if he's willing to go in for that. Hell get a full health check and if he mentions it, they'll check him for apnea too.

Eiramusa · 10/10/2023 13:21

I was the snorer and was feeling tired all the time. My sleep study showed that I quit breathing 42 times per hour and was never reaching REM sleep. I got fitted for a CPAP machine 5 years ago so never everyone sleeps better.
I am well rested, not snoring and my blood pressure went down.
See if your husband will read information on sleep apnea and how it can affect his life.

SDTGisAnEvilWolefGenius · 10/10/2023 13:23

HirplesWithHaggis · 10/10/2023 00:18

Why don't you use the spare room already? I bloody would be!

@HirplesWithHaggis is right, @Rorymyers - if I were you, I'd be decamping to the spare room - and spending some money to make it comfortable and cosy.

Sahmlike · 10/10/2023 13:24

I have similar issue. I have very young kids and I co-sleep with them now. Two under two. I discussed with my hubby by the time kids are ready to sleep themselves I'm planning to move back to our bedroom. But meanwhile I expect him to do something about it. Otherwise I made it very clear he has to take the spare room. I want the main room. 😅

DrNo007 · 10/10/2023 13:28

My husband and I have always slept separately. He snores, I cough and blow my nose so we are both annoying co-sleepers. Separate bedrooms is our recipe for a happy marriage. And yes we do get together for sex and cuddles.

teaandtoastwithmarmite · 10/10/2023 13:29

My DH moved to the spare room when we moved in this house 4 years ago. I feel bad he earns the most and is in the smallest room but it was his idea as we were having fights in the night over it

Deathbyfluffy · 10/10/2023 13:32

BabyFireflyx · 10/10/2023 01:54

I don't understand PP's saying that you should move to the spare room. It's your bedroom and your bed too, he is the problem. I'd kick the bastard down to the sofa.
I'd only be moving to the spare room myself if there was a double bed with all personal preferences conducive to having a good sleep. He is the problem and not willing to even try to solve it.
I guess in your situation if he's being such a twat, I'd kit out the spare room. Double bed, feather quilt and pillows, eyemask, weighted blanket as necessary and wax earplugs just in case. You deserve good sleep, every night. If he's being an insensitive twat then set yourself up in that room with every comfort you want. Get all the sleep you need. God help him if he wants sex Grin
I’m a bitch though so he'd get a fucking kick in the back while he's snoring away for being so fucking unreasonable.

Ah yes, violence is a great idea in what is already a tense situation! 😅

bunnymad01 · 10/10/2023 13:45

I had the same problem for years and tried every earplug out there. My partner could blow the roof off with his snoring. Then i found these - Hush 7 Pairs Plugz Silicone Earplugs - Pack of 7 amzn.eu/d/eOzG1ni . Obvs it's something you may have to buy then forever, but i found that if i split one in half, squashed it into a small ball, the pack of 7 would last much longer. That's not advice by the way.. Just what i did. It may not be an ideal solution but i do think moving to another room could impact the relationship so that was never an option for me.

Hope this helps 😊

Lawzy24 · 10/10/2023 13:46

Why should he move?? Your the one not sleeping because he keeps you awake. Move yourself to the spare room so you can sleep🤷

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